Tuesday's Trust - "In God We Trust" - Oh Really?!

Tuesday's Trust

"In God We Trust" - Oh Really?!

Do You Trust in God...or a Belief System?

*****

God is always calling on us to do the impossible.

God through the angel Gabriel called on Mary to do what, in the world's eyes, is impossible. And instead of saying, "I can't," she replied immediately,

"Be it unto me according to Thy word."

...If Jesus of Nazareth was God become truly man for us, as I believe He was,

then we should be able...even to accept the Father's answer to our prayers when it is not the answer that we hope for, when it is No.

Jesus begged in anguish that He be spared the bitter cup and then humbly added,

"...but not as I will, Father; as You will...."

~Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water

*****

Typically, after the death of a child, our assumptive belief system is shattered. That's what's wrong–it is only a belief system.

We unknowingly turn a relationship with Jesus into a belief system....

One grieving mother said,

"I brought my kids to church. I thought I was a child of God, and I would be protected...."

Did God tell you that? That, if you have God in your heart, that you and your children would always be protected? Or is that what you were taught? Or is that what you assumed?

Remember:

You are not going to be comforted by a belief system.

You are not going to be changed by a belief system.

What happens to your faith when life "happens" and doesn't "fit" with what you've been told or with what you've assumed about your belief system?

What happens when we find we've developed faulty assumptive beliefs along the way that are messing with our faith when we need it the most???

*****

I was scared for my child. I was worried about my child. I loved my child. I was afraid for my child, that as she continued to act out, she would get more and more hardened to the Lord and wouldn't be able to see the error of her ways. Or even worse, that she might not ever return to Him. I was also afraid for my child's safety, that she could get raped, that she could get killed...

Two weeks before my child was killed, I went to God in grief and agony... As I was asking Him to please keep her safe and yet help her to "hit bottom" so that she would know she needed help. I was praying for strength to "Let go and let God," because I knew my tendency would be to grab her back up if times got any harder, and I knew the process of hitting bottom was very important to her growth and healing. I even said to God,

"I know things could get very, very ugly before they get better, and I don't want to interfere with Your work in her life."

Suddenly God began speaking to my heart. He asked me,

Do you know that I love you?

Yes!

Do you trust Me?

Y-e-e-es

Do you know that I love Merry Katherine?

Yes!

Will you trust Me with Merry Katherine?

Hesitantly, I said, Y--e--e--e--s

Then He asked the hardest question of me…

Will you give her to me?

More hesitantly, and clutching "her" close to my heart, I reasoned to myself,

"You know He loves her, even more than you love her. You know you can trust Him. You know you need to get out of the way to 'Let go, and let God'"...

So slowly, I pulled my clutching hands away from my heart and lifted "her" up to God, and said,

Y--e--e--e--e--e--e-s,

not quite knowing what He might do, or what He might let her go through to get her attention. But I truly knew He loved her and would take care of her and would walk her through her horrible situation.

(My assumptive belief too was that her safety here (on earth) was as important to God as it was to me: "Let her hurt enough to hit bottom, but not get really hurt...")

We talked... God and I talked. God remained loving, kind, helpful, but also true to His nature in what He already knew He needed to do to work in her heart. It was a relationship we had, a loving relationship with the Living God who is separate from me so I didn't know what all might happen, or what He might have to do,

but I knew He loved her, and I knew I could trust Him with her.

But it was a relationship I was sharing with God, and He with me.

It was not just a set of spiritual beliefs...

*****

We can pervert God and turn Him into an object we think we can use at our disposal.

I have seen in my private practice in counseling, men who do that to their wives, turn them into an object–it doesn't work out so well for them. If a woman feels she has got to "put out" to keep her man happy, she has now been turned into a tool. But God didn't design her to be a tool. He designed her as a sacred being with a sacred capacity of responsiveness... –When that sacred capacity is violated: forced, or even manipulated to "put out" against her will, it perverts the very LOVE that God designed us for and so such manipulation and violation is the very recipe for d.i.s.a.s.t.e.r.

So too, we can wittingly or unwittingly turn God into an object, a tool for our own purposes, and that too is a recipe for disaster. God did not call you unto Himself for you to get easy formulas you can bank on. He says, "You cannot do this without ME, a continual dependence on Me– Yes, His Word says–

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

~Philippians 4:13 (NASB)

(Not just, "I can do all things." (making one powerful), but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (dependence on the All-Powerful).

And,

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,

I will fear no evil,

FOR THOU ART WITH ME...

THY ROD (guidance), and

THY STAFF (pulling me back from dangerous paths),

THEY COMFORT ME.

~Psalm 23:4

*****

Madeleine L'Engle said,

During the question-and-answer period after a lecture, a young woman said to me,

'I read A Wrinkle in Time (L'Engle's book) when I was eight or nine.

'I didn't understand it, but I knew what it was about.'"

Madeleine goes on to say,

"As long as we know what it's about, then we can have the courage to go wherever we are asked to go, even if we fear that the road may take us through danger and pain."

So when He allows my child to be taken (in what I would consider) "before her time," and I cannot understand the sense of this...will I trust Him?

*****

My...grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me.

~Jeremiah 8:18

So in my grief ~ and yes, human that I am, I must progress through every nuance of grief, every question, every doubt, every fear, every agony, every hurt, every longing for her, every what-if / if-only, every traumatized reliving of her violent ending, every traumatized reliving of her self-destructive choices that led up to her violent dying, every angst, every tear ~ pouring all of these out before myself and before my Lord, I am not surprised that He doesn't answer every question in one fell-swoop. But rather, He comes to me to be with me in my grief and to challenge some of my faulty pre-suppositions, and to draw my heart back to Himself to rest in Him...

Because HE is the CENTER. HE is LOVE, HE is the COMFORTER, HE is the GREAT PHYSICIAN, and MORE THAN ANYTHING HE is the GREAT "I AM."

In His presence, in His love, in His shelter, I am secure, I am comforted, I can rest.

It is relational~a person-to-Person relationship that includes intimate interaction all grounded in Love. A system of beliefs is not relational. A system of beliefs will not comfort. A system of beliefs is not alive, organic, dynamic. A system of beliefs, if not placed before our Father for correction, reproof based upon His living Word can hold us captive and floundering in our grief. A relationship with God is about Love, and Love heals.

*****

As the child said to Madeleine L'Engle, in essence,

"I don't understand it, but I know what it's about."

I too say to my God,

"I don't understand it, but I know what it's about."

And as Mary said, and I would add to her statement...

"As long as we know what it's about, then we can have the courage to go wherever we are asked to go, even if we fear that the road may take us through danger and pain..."

...And terrible loss...

pictures thanks to photobucket.com

Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water

Wednesday's Woe - In the Arms of an Angel

I can't seem to get this song out of my mind after listening to it a few days ago; it is haunting and moving. As it so moved me in my grief, may it touch your grieving heart as well...

Angel

~Sarah McLachlan


Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance,
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction-
Oh...beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty, oh
And weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight...


In the arms of the angel,
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie


You're in the arms of the angel--
May you find some comfort here...


So tired of the straight line,
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back--
And the storm keeps on twisting,
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference,
Escape one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness,
Oh...this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees


In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here


From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here.


You're In the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2fyWJ8YQDU&feature=related

Thursday’s Therapy - Resilience - Why Can't We Grievers "Get On" With Life?

Thursday's Therapy

Resilience

"You need rest, sunshine, and lots of hugs from Daddy."

All the very things I need, but for which, I am not taking enough time out!

Thursday’s Therapy

Resilience -

Why Can't We Grievers "Get On" with Life?

The Incoherence of Intense Distress

of the Violent Death of our Child

The death and violent dying of an emotionally valued person is an external and indirect threat. It is rare that we were at risk of our own violent dying. Instead, the distress is provoked by the persistent memory of the vulnerability of the person as s/he was being killed. Because of the caring connection, the external event of violent dying is transformed into an internalized memory of the killing.

We have two major stresses going on in the violent loss of our child:

1) Death creates irreversible loss of our child which causes Separation Distress. Such sudden and unforeseen loss of our child through death, a complete separation creates a longing and searching for reunion with our lost child to relieve our grief and distress.

2) The violent death creates an additional Trauma Distress to the way our child died. Our central nervous system is programmed to process the trauma of violent dying before the more complex reprocessing of the (above) emotional connection with the deceased. We will struggle with numbness and shock, avoidance, and reenactment fantasies.

Many parents will suffer -- for years -- persistent thoughts of reenactment (playing over and over in our minds the possible violent death of our child), remorse (feeling guilty or responsible that we could not stop their death), retaliation (a cold rage and strong desire for revenge for the killing of our child), and overprotection (going into high alert to prevent what-feels-like the impending imminent loss of other family members after we so helplessly have lost this child).

The author calls this phenomenon of some or all of these thoughts swirling through our system "possession."

(I wonder if he uses this term to show that traumatic grief in-a-way "possesses" you so that it takes on a life of its on...?)

The problem with "possession" is that it interferes with our reengagement to living as the death feels like a "right-now" experience despite the passage of time.

The author does stipulate that all of these raging thought processes are

"a rudimentary accompaniment to the processing of the dying memory and should not be interpreted as abnormal."

Yet he goes on to say...

However, when possessive fantasies of violent dying do not spontaneously diminish, the teller becomes a helpless witness or subject within the awareness (of all these devastating thoughts and feelings), having lost governance of himself or herself.

Hopefully next week, we will pursue these above "possessions" (+ an added "possession" of "reuniting" we will discuss later):

• Reenactment of the dying itself, with the teller only a helpless witness
• Remorse, "I should have prevented this from happening"
• Retaliation, "Someone else needs to pay for what happened."
• Overprotection, "I will not allow this to happen (to anyone I love) again.
• Reuniting, "I will do whatever it takes to find and reestablish my idealized attachment to my child, or I will remain inconsolable."

Again, the author admits that processing each of these dynamics at some level is needed and is normal to the grief process,

but if and when we become consumed by any one of them, it then leads to prolonged problems for our "reengagement to life."

^

|

|

{I'm afraid I'm there... At least it feels like it!}

*******

But before we can effectively resolve any of the above issues, the psychiatrist Rynearson highly recognizes what we in the trauma-field understand is the first call-for-action, and that is to establish an emotional "safety zone" for oneself.

To give you an analogy to better climb into the need for this, it is a lot like what I experienced in physical therapy this year when I broke three bones in my pelvic girdle (which the orthopedic surgeon said was, in essence, like me being split in two, right down the middle!).

Each time I went to physical therapy, they made sure I was working on strengthening my body - yet always from a certain comfort-zone - to ensure healthy recovery. Always checking for the level of pain I was feeling from Zero to Ten in pain from zero being no pain to speak of up to ten being unbearable pain. They really didn't want me to get much over a "2" or "3" so that my body would endure the stress to build strength but not so much stress that it would do more harm than good.

So a certain zone of safety and comfort is important, even while stressing our systems for the needed growth to process through to healthiness.

To Restore Resilience

Before developing your restorative retelling of your child’s death, it is important for your healing that you to know how to “return to safety," essentially to know how to “float” amidst the storm of grief. Retelling your child’s story is very important to your healing process, but it can be triggering and possibly overwhelming if you do not pace yourself in the process. Thus it is important to learn how to achieve a calm base for a sense of “safety.” The following are pathways to that sense of safety.

Pacification (Self-Calming/Soothing) - Physical actions that encourage relaxation. Pacification is essential as a basis for limiting the primal experience of disintegrating terror. (Again, we don't want too much emotional pain, though pushing through some emotional pain is healthy and strengthening in the long fun. The old saying, "No pain, no gain" is essentially true!)

It is important to learn how to achieve both an ability to process both the traumatic loss and its incumbent memories and all of the myriad emotions that such loss and memories stir up within you. But it is equally important to learn how to effectively distance from the traumatic effects of grief at times so that you can have sweet reprieve from such deep grief. Thus it is important to learn how to be able to "float" above the riptide of your child-loss trauma, or even the seemingly-endless emotional agony that goes with it.

Consider what kinds of things soothe your senses and begin to help yourself by practicing these things:

· Deep-breathing,

· Meditation,

· Relaxing in the warm waters of a bath or spa,

· Basking in the sunshine,

· Painting or artwork,

· Watching a funny show or movie,

· Loosening up muscle groups,

· Creative writing,

· Sitting outside and watching nature,

· Guided imagery...for example, imagining God holding you and comforting you as you lay your head down on your pillow to drift off to sleep.

Partition (Separateness/Self-discrimination) It is essential in establishing a limitation or boundary between the experiential worlds of "me" and "not-me." Also, it is important that we develop a separateness from the violent trauma so that we do not as Rynearson says, “disintegrate with (our child) in their dying story.”

Perspective (Self-transcendence) It is essential to allow time to penetrate our experience so that we can begin to anticipate change. In this way, time will bring change by the parent's transcending and prevailing in a restorative scheme and procedure (Rynearson will define at least one such procedure for us {hopefully to come in a later post}).

Keeping the Overall Picture, which includes not only the traumatic ending but also the positives of pondering the sweet times of the days my child was here with me, all of which help me to maintain a more constructive focus. To get to some of these positives, you may want to answer the following questions for yourself.

Tell about your child as s/he was, living with you...

(...Since there is more to my child than just her death.)

Look at pictures of your child as s/he was happy, smiling…

(Recalling these happy times keeps the mind from settling in on violent scenes that were only a part of your child's life.)

How would your child feel about your asking for help?

(It is helpful to engage the image or essence of your deceased child as a supportive ally in processing through the grief story. When I hear from my precious daughter, it is usually very affirming!)

What would s/he say that you need now?

...I can just hear Merry Katherine telling me,

"You need rest, sunshine, and lots of hugs from Daddy."

{All the very things I need, but for which, I'm not taking enough time out!}

And on that note, and at this late hour, I think I WILL go and rest now! And now that we know some of the ways in which we can get centered again in the midst of our deep grief, next week I hope to examine some of the areas (Rynearson calls "possessions") in which we get "stuck" in our grief...

Paraphrased and quoted from Edward K. Rynearson's book, Retelling Violent Death