Wednesday's Woe - My Fears in the Dead of Night

Wednesday's Woe

What Do I Do With

My Fears in the Dead of Night?

If You can clothe my child in a robe of light,

You can care for me in the dead of night...

Of all Your creation, we hold Your passion;

Your heart, Your fire, in us You did fashion!

Heart to heart, Fire to fire, speak to me Lord;

Your pow'r o'ercomes the Fowler's evil hoard—

Your children made from Your image will take

Your hand in ours; Your child You'll n'er forsake...

Give us Your faith, Your vision~sustenance—

E'er does Your passionate Love hover on us!

Poem - What Do I Do With My Fears in the Dead of Night? - Angie Bennett Prince - 12/2/09

Tuesday’s Trust - Trust the Process

Tuesday’s Trust

Trust the Process

Trust the process.

I often have said to clients in my psychotherapy practice as they face the arduous task of walking through their traumatic memories with me, "Trust the process." I know from years of experience in guiding others through such memories before them, that with active commitment and work, ever fighting the tendency toward resistance, clients will reach the other side to a state of pain. They will feel a sense of resolution, joy, freedom, better understanding, and healing. They will feel freed up to be more of the persons they were created to be. They will feel whole, integrated, and centered, finding themselves to be more resourceful when facing any of life’s new challenges.

Now…what about me??!

As I walk through the third year of grief after the sudden loss of my 19-year-old daughter in 2006, as I continue to undergo this long arduous task of grief, do I “trust the process”?

Now, it is I. I am the one walking into the unknown darkness of grief with no idea of how to navigate except to feel my feelings, tell my story, and walk through every facet of grief as it presents itself with as much patience, nurturance, and self-protection from any interfering-toxins as possible. But this time, I don't know what lies on the other side of such devastating pain...

This time, I have no idea what the exit from deep grief will look like, what the exit strategy will be, nor the length of time it will take to get to at least a semblance of healthy functioning.

I can see I am getting stronger in many ways as I go through; I do feel the loving hand of my Heavenly Father throughout; I do see a degree of better functioning.

So, simply seeing there is progress along the way will have to be enough as I daily navigate, learning baby-step by baby-step to “Trust the Process” –but this time, “Trust the Process of Grief.”

What about you?

Where are you in your walk through grief?

Are you learning to ‘Trust the Process of Grief”?

Can we "trust the process of grief”?

Can we "Trust the Process of Grief" will lead to peace at some time in our lifetime?

******

I hope you never allow anybody to give you Valium at the time of such a crisis, as it will cheat you out of the chance to experience all your feelings, cry out all your pain, shed all your tears, so that you can live again, not only for your own sake, but for the sake of your family and all others whose lives you can touch!

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross On Children and Death

Failure to mourn impairs a life. Most people's problems with mourning are not caused by compounded losses; their problems are caused by other people's desires to get mourning over with. Family, friends, and medical staff want accommodation of the loss as quickly as possible. Only through mourning can we find a life on the other side of loss. We need to grieve losses and find people who will accept that grieving. To grieve well is to value what you have lost.

~Arthur Frank At the Will of the Body

Whether in painting, poetry, performance, music, dance, or life, there is an intelligence working in every situation. This force is the primary carrier of creation. If we trust it and follow its natural movement, it will astound us with its ability to find a way through problems--and even make creative use of our mistakes and failures. There is a magic to this process that cannot be controlled by the ego. Somehow it always finds the way to the place where you need to be, and a destination you never could have known in advance. When everything seems as if it is hopeless and going nowhere . . . "trust the process."

~Shaun McNiff, TRUST THE PROCESS: An Artist's Guide to Letting Go

“.....every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper.”

~Henri Nouwen

“When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope.”

~Henri Nouwen

******

With God’s help, may we “trust the process of grief”, finding every pain being “transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope.”

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

~Psalms 30:5b

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me...

~Psalm 23:4a

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Redeemer

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Redeemer

This song, Redeemer, by Nicole C. Mullen was a favorite of Merry Katherine’s. She loved to belt it out, singing along with her stereo in the privacy of her bedroom. And how it ministered to her mommy’s heart as we played the song at her funeral. At the end of the song in the version Nicole sang “in Merry Katherine’s bedroom” and played at her funeral, Nicole sang,

“I know He’s alive; I talked with Him this morning,”

I could literally see Merry Katherine in Heaven, talking with Jesus face-to-face that morning of her funeral, and it brought life to me in my darkest hour…

Redeemer

Nicole C. Mullen

Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?

And who taught the ocean you can only come this far?

And who showed the moon where to hide till evening?

Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

(chorus)

Well I know my redeemer lives!

I know my Redeemer lives!

All of creation testifies;

This life within me cries

I know my Redeemer lives!

The very same God that spins things in orbit

He runs to the weary, the worn, and the weak,

And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken,

They conquered death to bring me victory!

(chorus)

Now I know my Redeemer lives!

See, I know my Redeemer lives!

So let all creation testify,

Let this life within me cry,

I know my Redeemer– (Guess what y’all)

He lives to take away my shame; (O TY Jesus!)

He lives forever I'll proclaim

That the payment for my sin

Was the precious life he gave—

But now He's alive and

There's an empty grave!

And I know my Redeemer lives!

(You see I know my Redeemer lives!)

I know my Redeemer lives!

(I know that I know,

I know that I know; I know that I know…)

I know my Redeemer lives!

I know my Redeemer lives!

(See I know that My Redeemer lives

And because He lives I can face tomorrow!)

He lives! He lives!

(O thank You Jesus!

You see the tomb is empty, y’all!

He lives! Can I get a witness that He lives?

He walks and talks; He moves and breathes—

He really lives!

So, we gotta tell everybody,

He lives…

(He lives!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!)

******

The last verse of the version played at Merry Katherine’s funeral:

And I know my Redeemer lives

I know my Redeemer lives

Let all creation testify

Let this life within me cry

I know my Redeemer

I know my Redeemer lives

I know my Redeemer lives

I know my Redeemer lives

Because He lives I can face tomorrow

He lives! He lives!

I spoke with Him this morning!

He lives! He lives!

The tomb is empty!

{See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p4G2GbPYQA for this version.}

And because He lives, and He lives in her, I have the promise that my baby lives too...

But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit, who lives in you.

Romans 8:10-11

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies;

John 11:25

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cwoXr27XGY

Little Lamb, Who Saved Thee?

Little Lamb, Who Saved Thee?

Today, I discovered that John Piper had included William Blake's wonderful poem, "Little Lamb, Who Made Thee?" in today's blog post:

Little Lamb, Who Made Thee?

November 29, 2009 | By: John Piper | Category: Commentary

William Blake was born yesterday, 1757. One of his most famous poems is one of my favorites. It’s a good launch into Advent.

Little Lamb, who made thee?

Dost thou know who made thee?

Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,

By the stream and o’er the mead;

Gave thee clothing of delight,

Softest clothing, woolly, bright;

Gave thee such a tender voice,

Making all the vales rejoice?

Little Lamb, who made thee?

Dost thou know who made thee?





Little Lamb, I’ll tell thee,

Little Lamb, I'll tell thee. 



He is called by thy name, 


For He calls Himself a Lamb. 


He is meek, and He is mild;


He became a little child. 


I a child, and thou a lamb, 


We are called by His name.

Little Lamb, God bless thee!

Little Lamb, God bless thee!

******

In John Piper's comments, I wrote the following:

Thank you for reminding us of William Blake's wonderful poem; it is one of my favorites. 3 years ago, I lost my 19-year-old daughter; ever since, my Lord has led me to process through the immense grief by writing poetry. After discovering William Blake's poem, I wrote a sequel to it. I would love to share it with you and your readers:

Little Lamb, Who Saved Thee?

Little Lamb, who saved thee?

Dost thou know who saved thee?

Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,

By His living waters lead,

Gave thee clothing of bright white!

To sing His love ‘nd bring delight,

Gave to thee Sweet Spirit’s voice—

Heaven’s angels all rejoice!

Little Lamb, who saved thee?

Dost thou know who saved thee?

Little lamb, I’ll tell thee.

Little lamb, I’ll tell thee.

‘Twas Love Himself who saved thee!

Love’s own Lamb saved little lamb:

God sent down His only Son,

Th’ cruel cross to die upon,

T’ save your soul from Satan’s wrath;

O what Love our dear God hath!

Little lamb, God loves thee!

Little lamb, God loves thee!

Poem - Little Lamb, Who Saved Thee? - Angie Bennett Prince - 7/31/08, revised 11/29/09

Friday's Faith - Merry Katherine’s “Talk” with Me Thanksgiving Day!

Friday's Faith

Merry Katherine’s

“Talk” with Me

Thanksgiving Day!

From my journal on Thanksgiving Day:

11/26/09 First time in 30 years (or maybe ever in my life), Tommy and I have spent Thanksgiving alone. Amidst our grief, we needed it and we loved it. And it has been just what we needed—no demands—just rest, relax, and recreate! …And grieve, and cry, and create!

******

Then, as I began my prayer to God, Merry Katherine was there (in my spirit)… responding to my words, and so I responded back… As you may notice, I cry and cry throughout this dialogue with my precious child…

******

I miss her Lord.

I’m right here, Mommy.

As I read Romans 8, I am crying over the tender mercies of God toward you. He did things for you that you could not do for yourself. He did things for you I could not do for you either…

I know Mommy. He’s a good God, and I didn’t deserve any of it.

I know precious. Neither do I. He is a good God. He even loves us “in spite” of ourselves. He is so merciful.

Baby, I felt so helpless with you. I couldn’t stop you from your self-destructive path, and it was killing me.

I know Mommy. I couldn’t stop me either. But God did.

He kept you from running too far, didn’t He baby? (More tears) He did for you what I couldn’t. I am so thankful He is such a big God and wise God and loving God. He helped us to allow you to hit bottom, then He wooed you back to Himself. I can never thank Him enough for that. (More tears)

It’s all good now Mommy.

That’s hard for me to climb into because I can’t see any of it! I get stuck in the tragic ending and in all our efforts that were so ineffective to stop you… (More tears)

But Mommy, God calls you to live by faith—to believe in what you can’t see.

That’s why I need to steep myself in Scripture to remind myself of what IS true even though I can’t see it all yet…

Mommy, tell me what He did for me. Write it down to encourage you and to help others too.

You’re right. I know God gets frustrated when we don’t “see” things by faith, and then we miss out on such a blessing. I am tempted to pull away from Scripture, and just want you back here (still want to have my way)—and then I get stuck there.

Faith is not easy Mommy, but you’ve gotta have it or you’re not gonna make it. You’re staying steeped in the sad.

But it IS sad. Four years ago today, you were sitting in my lap at Aunt Dianne’s for Thanksgiving…

I know Mommy and that was sweet, but can you remember too how miserable I was? I had just gotten kicked out of Lee University!

I do remember that. I guess I’ve got to stay steeped in reality and into God’s will and purposes. I know He’s got things He wants me to do in this world, and I’m still so stuck in all my sadness. –You’ve always been such a realist. Thank you for bringing me back to the realities of God’s truth and of your present peace that is such a stark contrast to your struggles here. I guess on this Thanksgiving Day, I need to stay plugged in to the real and the ultimate reality of all that God has done for you, and IS doing for you, and ever praise and thank Him for that.

‘Atta girl, Mommy! You can do it. I’m pulling for you, and God will give you the strength.

I love you baby and miss you so!

I love you too Mommy, and just remember I’m always right here with you!

(More tears) Thank you baby, for your sweet reminders. Happy Thanksgiving, Baby.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mommy! Tell Daddy ‘Hey,’ and I love him!

I will Baby Girl! (More tears) He’s not doing so well either—he misses you terribly and wants to hug you again! Please pray for him.

Tell Daddy I’m pulling for him, and I pray for him ev-ver-day!

******

(Ev-ver-day was an inside joke she and her Daddy had! When Tommy visited her kindergarten class for lunch one day, he sat by a little boy named Jackson who was a best friend to Merry Katherine. Jackson looked up at her daddy and said, “Did you know Merry Katherine ‘body-slams’ me on the playground?!” Tommy of course said, “No!” And Jackson replied –the now infamous quote we always say— “Yup, ev-ver-day!”

(You must remember, Merry Katherine has two older brothers, so she had to be pretty tough to survive her childhood!)

******

So, at Merry Katherine’s request, I want to share with you the things I found in Romans 8 yesterday that reminded me of all the many things God has done for Merry Katherine, and many of the things He is going to do for her…

From Romans 8:

Ø Therefore, there is now no condemnation for Merry Katherine who is in Christ Jesus because

Ø through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set her free from the law of sin and death.

Ø For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did for Merry Katherine by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.

Ø And so He condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in her (and in us) …

Ø Her mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.

Ø (Since) Christ is in Merry Katherine, her body is dead because of sin, yet her spirit is alive because of righteousness.

Ø And (since) the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in her, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to her mortal body through His Spirit, who lives in her.

Ø …For Merry Katherine did not receive a spirit that makes her a slave again to fear, but she received the Spirit of daughter-ship.

Ø And by Him she cries, “Abba, Father.” (“Daddy!”) The Spirit Himself testifies with her spirit that she is God’s child.

Ø Now (since) Merry Katherine is His child, then she is His heir—an heir of God and a co-heir of Christ, (since) indeed she shared in His sufferings in order that she may also share in His glory.

Ø …(Her past and my) present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in her and in us…

Ø …Merry Katherine will be liberated from creation’s bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

Ø …She who has the first-fruits of the Spirit groaned inwardly as she waited eagerly for her adoption as daughter, the redemption of her body. For in this hope, she was saved. But hope that’s seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what she already has? But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently.

Ø …In the same way, the Spirit helped Merry Katherine in her weakness. She did not know what she should pray, but the Spirit Himself interceded for her with groans that words cannot express.

Ø And He who searched her heart knew the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit interceded for her in accordance with God’s will.

Ø And we know that in ALL THINGS God worked for the good of Merry Katherine who loved Him;

Ø She had been called according to His purpose.

Ø For, Merry Katherine whom God foreknew (knew before the beginning of time, before He created her), He also predestined (chose before the beginning of time itself), to be conformed to the likeness of His Son that He might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

Ø And those (like Merry Katherine) He predestined, He also called;

Ø Those (like Merry Katherine) He called, He also justified (made them as just and holy as Jesus Christ their Savior);

Ø Those (like Merry Katherine) He justified, He also glorified (brought them into Eternal Glory to share in Christ’s glory).

Ø What then shall we say in response to this? If God is for Merry Katherine who can be against her?

Ø He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for her and all of us—how will He not also, along with (giving to her and to us) His own Son, graciously give her (and us) all things?

Ø Who will bring any charge against Merry Katherine whom God Himself has chosen? It is God who justifies.

Ø Who is he who condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and also interceded for her (as He does for us).

Ø Who (could) separate Merry Katherine from the love of Christ? (Could) trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …No!

Ø In all these things she was more than conqueror through Him who loves her.

Ø For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation (was nor) will be able to separate Merry Katherine (or us) from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

******

And I say to God's words, Amen and Amen. So be it!

Thank You, Lord, for Your wonders to my child and to me and to all Your children! And thank You for a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!

May God bless and keep each one of you close to His heart, for He loves you just as much as He does Merry Katherine, indeed, just as much as He loves His own Son!

Blessed Thanksgiving - Thankful for the Thorns

May you have a

Blessed Thanksgiving!

******

“Show me that I have climbed

closer to You along the path of pain.”

Thankful for the Thorns

Sent to me by Jayne Raines Newton, leader of The Compassionate Friends of Atlanta:

Jane says, "This is an amazing story that really hits home. I had tears running down my face as I was reading it. It is so very true!!!!"

~shared by Tony Cincocco





Thanksgiving Classic:

Thankful For The Thorns



Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy. This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss.



Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come on her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.



"Had she lost a child? She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"



"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk.



"I.... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.



"For Thanksgiving?" Sandra nodded. Do you want the beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"



"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said,

"I have the perfect arrangement for you."



Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara... let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.



"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk.



Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again." She said, as she gently tapped her chest.



Sandra stammered, "That lady just left with, uh.... she left with no flowers!"



"That's right, said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special'. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."



"Oh, come on! You can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.



"Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do, today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery."



"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel."



"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.



"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I NEVER questioned Him why those GOOD things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, "WHY? WHY Me?!" It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith!

I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort!

You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."



Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about the thought that her friend had tried to tell her.

"I guess the truth is, I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."



Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.



"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?"



"No... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem. The Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"



"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too... fresh."



"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."



Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.



"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."



"Thank you. What do I owe you?"



"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."



It read:

"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.

I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.

Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns.

Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain.

Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."





Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author Unknown

Thursday's Therapy - Telling Your Story

Thursday's Therapy

Telling Your Story

from

A TCF Speech – 8 Things I’ve Learned About the Grief of a Grieving Parent

Part Three of Eight

Jayne Raines Newton of The Atlanta Compassionate Friends mailed me this wonderfully therapeutic speech two weeks ago, and I'd like to pass it along to you!

Sunday, July 6, 2003 - TCF National Conference

Conference Closing Speech by Charlie Walton

Part Three

3. TELLING YOUR STORY

A third thing I have learned over the years is that grieving people need to tell their stories more times than their friends or family members are going to be willing to hear those stories.

That is perhaps the greatest value of The Compassionate Friends, a group of people who are not only willing to hear your story again and again but will sincerely cry with you the twentieth time you tell that story just as they cried the first time you told it.

These are people who understand, people who listen intently, people who will even help you tell your story. I don't know if you have noticed it but, if you are sitting in a circle telling what happened to you, those who have heard the story lots of times will actually jump in and add a detail you might be leaving out. If there is a first-timer in the circle, the veterans may add explanations and clarifications for them.

It has become their story too. They have suffered your loss. They repeatedly provide the exact response you expected from the whole world. Do you remember your outrage at the world for continuing as though nothing had happened? Do you remember the urge to scream,

"How can you go on like this? Don't you realize that my world has ended?"

So, I praise The Compassionate Friends. a group that meets a vital and normal need, the need for someone to listen with sincere interest as we tell and re-tell our stories again and again.

On the other hand, knowing that we need to tell our stories so many times should help us be a little more understanding toward friends and relatives who are reluctant to hear our stories again and again.

They don't know that each re-telling is helping to heal.

They don't know that each re-telling is therapy.

All they know is that you keep repeating things that make them hurt and they worry that you might be stuck in that story forever.

People who have not been where you have been have no concept of how long grief takes.

They think it should end in some "respectably short time" after the funeral.

Kay and I still have some understanding, supportive friends who will come to us as December 15th approaches and say,

"I remember that it was about this time of year that Tim and Don died, and I want you to know that I am praying for your comfort, and I want you to know that those two guys are very much remembered and missed."

These are wonderful friends who have learned... sometimes with a little training from us... that

"Grief takes longer than one year."

Thank you again to Charlie Walton, and to Jayne Raines Newton who shared this speech with me, both of The Atlanta Compassionate Friends.

Stay tuned next week for Point Four of Charlie's speech!

Wednesday's Woe - What is Normal Now?

Wednesday's Woe

What is Normal Now?

from http://missingevan.blogspot.com/2009/09/what-is-normal.html

What Is Normal?

(A) mom in (the) SUDC online support group posted this. It is so true in the lives of all of us who have lost our precious children...

What is normal now?

NORMAL is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's day and Easter.

NORMAL is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see the casket, and all the crying people.

NORMAL is feeling like you can't sit through another minute without screaming because you just don't like to sit through church anymore. And yet at the same time feeling like you have more faith in God than you ever had before.

NORMAL is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.

NORMAL is not sleeping because a thousand "what ifs" go through your head constantly.

NORMAL is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have some "noise" because the silence is deafening.

NORMAL is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday common event and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of normal conversation.

NORMAL is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honour your child's memory and their birthday and surviving those days. And trying to find a balloon or flag that fits the occasion, "Happy Birthday"? Not really!

NORMAL is a new friendship with another bereaved parent and meeting over coffee and talking and crying together over your children and worrying together over the surviving children.

NORMAL is being too tired to care if you paid your bills, cleaned your house, did the laundry or if there is food in the house.

NORMAL is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have 4 or 5 children because you will never see this person again, and is it worth explaining that one of them has passed away. And yet, when you say 4 children to avoid the problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your child.

NORMAL is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think you are "NORMAL".

"What is Normal Now" quoted in http://missingevan.blogspot.com/2009/09/what-is-normal.html

Picture: Quiet Sadness http://picasaweb.google.com/

Tuesday’s Trust - Is God Always Good?

Tuesday’s Trust

Is God Always Good?

Words from Corrie Ten Boom, Holocaust survivor:

Often I have heard people say,

"How good God is! We prayed that it would not rain for our church picnic, and look at the lovely weather!"

Yes, God is good when He sends good weather.

But God was also good when He allowed my sister, Betsie, to starve to death before my eyes in a German concentration camp.

I remember one occasion when I was very discouraged there. Everything around us was dark, and there was darkness in my heart.

I remember telling Betsie that I thought God had forgotten us.

"No, Corrie," said Betsie, "He has not forgotten us. Remember His Word:

‘For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him.’"

Corrie concludes,

There is an ocean of God's love available - there is plenty for everyone. May God grant you never to doubt that victorious love - whatever the circumstances.

******

11 For (God’s) unfailing love toward those who fear Him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
 12 He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.
 13 The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
 14 For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust.


15 Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
 16 The wind blows, and we are gone—as though we had never been here.
 17 But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear Him.
 His salvation extends to the children’s children
 18 of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey His commandments!

~Psalm 103:11-18 NLT

Corrie Ten Boom thanks to Corrie Ten Boom Museum

NLT = New Living Translation of The Holy Bible

Picture: Question mark on stained glass: http://www.fotosearch.com/IDX076/is297rm-00000007-001/

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Only Hope

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Only Hope

For your Monday's Mourning Ministry, I found this wonderful song again, this time on video. The story behind the song I have already shared in a post here on my blog on February 24th of this year. (If you want to read the entire post, I have noted it at the bottom of this post.) But today I really wanted you to know the story behind the song so that you would know just how special the song is for me. It means so much to me, I hope you will indulge me to repeat excerpts of the post here! I hope you will enjoy the song too!

******

Merry Katherine gave me another Valentines Day present this year. I stumbled across a C.D. she had made. She knows my heart, and she knows just what I need to calm a large part of this aching mother’s heart.

One of my big fears for her before she was killed on 8/2/06 (besides the obvious safety issue of a child with her high-energy, high-risk behavior) was that she would wander so far away from God in her acting-out that, without realizing it, her heart would harden more and more until she wouldn’t turn back to Him. (Her heart was already icing up somewhat toward us, her parents; she seemed to be living so many lies that I think she was starting to believe some of them.) Sin itself is destructive and alienating; it blinds you to God’s truth that could save you from its ultimate destruction. I could see her heart getting more and more hardened, and she was becoming more and more brazen in pursuing what she wanted despite its destructiveness.

So when she was killed in the midst of her estrangement, as a mother my next biggest question was, "Where is she now? Is she okay?" which means,

Is she in Heaven with God?

There are many questions rolling around in my mind of course—you go over and over the “what if’s” and the “why’s” all the time, but the “safety and security of her soul now” has been the most agonizing question for me.

So finding this cd on the 10th of February was a delight for me, to see where her heart was with God—she hadn’t totally tuned Him out; she was struggling with needing Him, yet not obeying Him, while still recognizing His provision for her . . . which she recognized was her “Only Hope.”

As soon as I heard this song, I knew she had wanted me to find this C.D., and how precious that it was in time for Valentines Day-- (Just like she managed to do last year! But that story will be for another time!)

What a sweet Valentines gift for her mommy!

A gift that met me in the crux of my heart's cry for her.

An answer to her mommy's prayer...

Here are the lyrics of "Only Hope," just one of the songs that was on Merry Katherine's home-made C.D. that showed this grieving mother what was really in her heart toward her sweet Savior and Shepherd:

My Only Hope

Caedmon’s Call

(Found 2/10/09 on a cd Merry Katherine had made for herself)

Depth of mercy, can there be

Mercy still reserved for me?

Can, my God, Your wrath forbear—

Me, the chief of sinners, spare?

It's my only hope,

You're my only hope!

It's my only hope of Heaven—

At the cross forgiven!

I have long withstood Your grace,

Long provoked you to Your face,

Would not harken to Your calls,

Grieved You by a thousand falls,

It's my only hope,

You're my only hope!

It's my only hope of Heaven—

At the cross forgiven!

There for me the Savior stands,

Shows his wounds and spreads His hands,

Face to face before the Son

And like Isaiah I'm undone . . .

Depth of mercy, vast and free,

So much deeper than the sea,

God of love, You heard my cry,

Now into Your open arms I fly!

It's my only hope,

You're my only hope!

It's my only hope of Heaven—

At the cross forgiven!

Jesus was her "Only Hope" of Heaven (just as He is my only hope of Heaven). With Him in her heart and crying out such songs to Him, I know my precious baby is now safely nestled in her Heavenly Father’s arms where I’ll someday see her again. Thank You, Lord Jesus, for such a precious Valentines Day gift, sweeter than anyone could ever give to me!

Exerpts from my blog post of February 24, 2009

Merry Katherine’s Valentines Day Present For Me, 2009