Wednesday's Woe - Life's Nightmare

Wednesday's Woe

Life's Nightmare

I had a dream of you last night:

You were little, vulnerable,

Choosing friends who'd cause me great fright.

Attempts to keep you safe, doubtful:

I chewed them out, gave an earful

that they don't dare bring you harm...

But it was so hard to guard you~

Mommy's not a "good-luck charm."

Feelings stirred, reminiscent to

Feelings then...I felt I was there

when you were here with me and life

was much the same~Hard to bear~

Trying to protect, causing strife,

But all efforts were t' guard your life...

In th' nightmare, fears at my heart would tear,

Yet angst, knowing you'd end up there...

There on that ground that took your life...

(The diff'rence between life, nightmare--

Having this sense you'd end up there...)

Tell me baby, how's Mommy t' bear

Real life? ~It stabs me like a knife:

Asleep (or) Awake, I'm swamped w'th...

Life's Nightmare.

Poem - Life's Nightmare - Angie Bennett Prince - 12/12/10

Tuesday's Trust - Loss

Tuesday's Trust

Loss

Love

is so rare, any such handful of ash

holds the whole world's weight.

~Mary Karr

******

The following poem, written by Mary Karr, with change of adjectives and gender could describe my own experience...

ENTERING THE KINGDOM

~Mary Karr

As the boy's bones lengthened,

and his head and heart enlarged,

his mother one day failed

to see herself in him.

He was a man then, radiating

the innate loneliness of men.

His expression was ever after

beyond her. When near sleep

his features eased towards childhood,

it was brief.

She could only squeeze

his broad shoulder. What could

she teach him

of loss, who now inflicted it

by entering the kingdom

of his own will?

******

...When is it late enough to write about our loss, in a way that can be redemptive? Perhaps, like Milosz...

Late Ripeness

Not soon, as late as the approach of my ninetieth year

I felt a door opening in me and I entered

the clarity of early morning.

One after another my former lives were departing

like ships together with their sorrow.

And the countries, cities, gardens, the bays of seas

assigned to my brush came closer,

ready now to be described better than before.

I was not separated from people, grief and pity joined us.

We forget—I kept saying—that we are all children of

the King...

~Czeslaw Milosz

Quote, Mary Karr, from poem, "A Tapestry Figure Escapes for Occupancy in the Real World, Which Includes the Death of Her Mother," Mary Karr, Sinners Welcome, p. 43

Poem, "Entering the Kingdom," Mary Karr, Sinners Welcome, p. 32

Poem, a portion of the poem, "Late Ripeness," by Czeslaw Milosz, as quoted by Mary Karr in Sinners Welcome, p. 93

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Only Hope

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Only Hope

For your Monday's Mourning Ministry, I found this wonderful song again, this time on video. The story behind the song I have already shared in a post here on my blog on February 24th of this year. (If you want to read the entire post, I have noted it at the bottom of this post.) But today I really wanted you to know the story behind the song so that you would know just how special the song is for me. It means so much to me, I hope you will indulge me to repeat excerpts of the post here! I hope you will enjoy the song too!

******

Merry Katherine gave me another Valentines Day present this year. I stumbled across a C.D. she had made. She knows my heart, and she knows just what I need to calm a large part of this aching mother’s heart.

One of my big fears for her before she was killed on 8/2/06 (besides the obvious safety issue of a child with her high-energy, high-risk behavior) was that she would wander so far away from God in her acting-out that, without realizing it, her heart would harden more and more until she wouldn’t turn back to Him. (Her heart was already icing up somewhat toward us, her parents; she seemed to be living so many lies that I think she was starting to believe some of them.) Sin itself is destructive and alienating; it blinds you to God’s truth that could save you from its ultimate destruction. I could see her heart getting more and more hardened, and she was becoming more and more brazen in pursuing what she wanted despite its destructiveness.

So when she was killed in the midst of her estrangement, as a mother my next biggest question was, "Where is she now? Is she okay?" which means,

Is she in Heaven with God?

There are many questions rolling around in my mind of course—you go over and over the “what if’s” and the “why’s” all the time, but the “safety and security of her soul now” has been the most agonizing question for me.

So finding this cd on the 10th of February was a delight for me, to see where her heart was with God—she hadn’t totally tuned Him out; she was struggling with needing Him, yet not obeying Him, while still recognizing His provision for her . . . which she recognized was her “Only Hope.”

As soon as I heard this song, I knew she had wanted me to find this C.D., and how precious that it was in time for Valentines Day-- (Just like she managed to do last year! But that story will be for another time!)

What a sweet Valentines gift for her mommy!

A gift that met me in the crux of my heart's cry for her.

An answer to her mommy's prayer...

Here are the lyrics of "Only Hope," just one of the songs that was on Merry Katherine's home-made C.D. that showed this grieving mother what was really in her heart toward her sweet Savior and Shepherd:

My Only Hope

Caedmon’s Call

(Found 2/10/09 on a cd Merry Katherine had made for herself)

Depth of mercy, can there be

Mercy still reserved for me?

Can, my God, Your wrath forbear—

Me, the chief of sinners, spare?

It's my only hope,

You're my only hope!

It's my only hope of Heaven—

At the cross forgiven!

I have long withstood Your grace,

Long provoked you to Your face,

Would not harken to Your calls,

Grieved You by a thousand falls,

It's my only hope,

You're my only hope!

It's my only hope of Heaven—

At the cross forgiven!

There for me the Savior stands,

Shows his wounds and spreads His hands,

Face to face before the Son

And like Isaiah I'm undone . . .

Depth of mercy, vast and free,

So much deeper than the sea,

God of love, You heard my cry,

Now into Your open arms I fly!

It's my only hope,

You're my only hope!

It's my only hope of Heaven—

At the cross forgiven!

Jesus was her "Only Hope" of Heaven (just as He is my only hope of Heaven). With Him in her heart and crying out such songs to Him, I know my precious baby is now safely nestled in her Heavenly Father’s arms where I’ll someday see her again. Thank You, Lord Jesus, for such a precious Valentines Day gift, sweeter than anyone could ever give to me!

Exerpts from my blog post of February 24, 2009

Merry Katherine’s Valentines Day Present For Me, 2009