Thursday's Therapy - "If It Isn't Meant to 'Cure' Grief, What Good is Therapy?" via Huffington Post

Thursday's Therapy

"If It Isn't Meant to 'Cure' Grief,

What Good is Therapy?"

via Huffington Post,

~Megan Devine, 

Grief Advocate/

Counselor

Posted: 04/03/2014 4:05 pm EDT Updated: 04/03/2014 4:59 pm EDT

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If It Isn't Meant to "Cure" Grief, 

.........What Good is Grief Therapy?

~by Megan Devine, Grief Advocate/Counselor

There's a lot of sketchy stuff going on in the world under the guise of "grief therapy." Sixty-day cures, 30-minute solutions. Diagnostic labels that show how "unwell" you are, and medications to fix that for you.

Therapeutic approaches to grief run the gamut of wise and beautiful stewardship to diagnostic medical lecturing.

I'm a therapist.

I've been a therapist for well over 10 years and was in related social and education services for the decade before that.

In my work as a clinician, I had to give people diagnoses. That is the way that therapists and other professionals get paid: We give a diagnosis that the insurance companies have decided they will reimburse for care.

Choosing a diagnosis, at its root, is a checklist and a process of elimination or inclusion. If I give you a diagnosis, it tells any other people you might be working with that you share at least some of the same challenges that other people with the same diagnosis do.

At its best, a diagnosis gives your team relevant information without you having to go through the same questions over and over again.

"At its best," however, is rarely how it's used or seen.

Even before I became widowed, I never was much for pathology: that medical-izing of normal human experience. I gave my clients the least stigmatizing diagnosis I could while still accurately conveying their struggles.

I couldn't see someone as being deeply flawed just because they were in pain. I refused to treat anyone as though what they were feeling was inherently wrong.

After becoming widowed, I found myself way too many times on the receiving end of that medical view, being told that who I was, and how I was, was wrong.

As though my intense, deep grief were pathological and corrupt: a sign of an unwell mind.

I didn't just get it from the people around me -- the friends, family members, and casual acquaintances. Some of the most corrective and judgmental people were other therapists. Some had even been my colleagues. One I had even looked to as a decent teacher in his field.

The overwhelming response from both the pros and the casual observer was that since I was in pain, I was clearly doing it wrong.

Seeing a therapist is tricky business -- so many (even some good ones) subscribe to that over-arching belief that grief needs to be corrected somehow, that it needs to be pushed through.

If you're on this grief path, no doubt you have heard a zillion and one suggestions about how you can do your grief better. You've been encouraged to get out of it fast, to go back to "normal" life.

But there is a different way to approach grief.

Many, many years ago, in what seems like an entirely different life, I was studying herbal medicine. The subject for one class was herbs for immune disorders. What the instructor taught that day has stuck with me now for over 20 years.

She said that many clinicians approach an immune disorder with herbs to stimulate and push the immune system, trying to get it to work harder and faster. That approach is misguided, she said. When you have a condition like this, your immune system is already working as hard as it possibly can.

Trying to make it work harder is only going to fail.

The herbalist taught that what was needed in this situation were herbs to come in underneath the immune system, herbs to walk up beside it and support it. The most useful medicines are the ones that don't push, but give the system roots. Nourish it. Help it continue to do what it is trying to do.

The system isn't working wrong, it's working as hard as it can.

Grief has your heart working as hard as it can.

When you are in pain, you don't need to be fixed. You don't need to be labeled as broken, your feelings shoved into codified lists. You don't need to be pushed to get better fast.

What you need are those things -- those people, those places, those words -- that come up underneath you and give you roots. You need those things that nourish you, that help you do the work your heart already knows how to do. The work it is already doing.

A good therapist is a wonderful thing: They know that there is nothing about you that's wrong. They know their role is to listen and validate, to come up alongside you and provide support.

They bolster your roots; they lend you stability.

Good therapy isn't a cure for what's wrong. And that makes all the difference in the world.

How about you? Have you found a therapist who truly listens and supports you in your grief? 

Megan Devine is writer, grief advocate, and clinical counselor. She is the author of the audio program When Everything is Not Okay: Practical Tools to Help You Stay in Your Heart & Not Lose Your Mind. You can find this and other resources on her website, www.refugeingrief.com.

Thank you to Huffington Post, and to Megan Devine for use of her article. 

Thank you to the artists, Moussin Irjan and David Agenjo, for the use of their amazing paintings here on my blog post.

Grief Therapy Post, from Huffington Post:
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/grief-therapy_b_5077196.html

Grief Pictures: 
1st: via Visual Poetry  Kansas Wright on Pinterest - Saatchi Online Artist: Moussin Irjan; Oil, 2012, Painting "What warms the soul?"
2nd: via Artistic Appeals  Kelli Kayy - Saatchi Online Artist: David Agenjo; Acrylic, 2012, Painting "Bejin"

Wednesday's Woe - Trauma Mama

Wednesday's Woe

Trauma Mama

Tommy and I were discussing over coffee this morning a new book we've both been reading, The Truth about Grief by journalist Ruth Davis Konigsberg (2011). The book covers general grief, not the grief specific to child-loss. (Konigsberg only dedicates three pages of her 245-page book to child-loss grief.)

It is not until the very end of her book, in the Afterword, that Konigsberg shows the help one griever, a widow, finally got for her grief when she decided to get help with her trauma. A year after her husband's death, the widow was suffering from recurring violent nightmares and insomnia, so she went to a psychologist who specialized in trauma. Weekly psychotherapy sessions combined with massage, acupuncture and exercise, she says, were what led her "back to relatively normal behavior."

Tommy and I then began talking about the trauma specific to Child-Loss Grief. We mentioned the violence that our children experience before death, but that we parents seem to carry with us after their death, when suddenly I felt the trauma wrapping its fingers around my heart with its icy chill. My head dropped, my hand shot up to prop my forehead. Tommy jumped up to run to the kitchen where he retrieved cranberry juice and a pastry for me. It has become a familiar scenario to him, that he is able to quickly read my body language that signals

~~T-R-A-U-M-A~~ which for me typically includes hypoglycemia.

Trauma is the aspect of Child-Loss grief that catches us grievers off-guard. We expect the depressive and debilitating sadness connected with losing our children, but who knew Trauma would come along with the package?

Not only does the trauma surprise us child-loss grievers, but many professionals miss its tell-tale signals as well.

Even Konigsberg, the journalist/author almost missed it (although she did mention trauma briefly in association with the debriefing of the families of the 9/11 victims), with trauma only making its appearance in the griever's necessary healing process at the tail end of her whole book about grief (at least she did catch on by then!)

Trauma in Grief is very real, and oh what a bear it is...

It is now hours later, and I am still feeling trauma's aftermath... My heart feels locked up it's so tight. My body is exhausted like I've just run a marathon. I am craving sleep.

Who knew child-loss grief would turn me into what we now call, a "Trauma Mama"?! As if missing my baby is not enough to deal with, now why don't we add terrorizing trauma to the mix. And people wonder why we can't just "move on" with our lives...!

Okay, I think it's time for my nap now...

Thursday's Therapy - Writing and Grief - The Healing Power of the Pen ~by Alice J. Wisler

Thursday's Therapy

Writing and Grief

The Healing Power of the Pen

~by Alice J. Wisler

She? She lost her innocence,

And I? I lost my life.

She? She lost her life,

And I? I lost my innocence.

~Angie Bennett Prince 4/22/10

It's revealing that the titles of Fraser's and Want's books and Hendy's film all end in interrogation marks. The genre of grief memoir is by definition questioning: trying to come to terms with what happened and whether anything else might have been done.

~Mark Lawson, Writing a Way Through Grief

− Grief changes you. No matter how purposeful you are or become it impacts you in ways you can never work out. One of the reasons I started writing again was because I suddenly needed a voice to record the things that were happening, and people couldn't necessarily handle what I had to say.

Even I, a few years on, cannot fully appreciate the state of mind I was in when I wrote. It's just something that happens.

The brain has its bleeding and it must flow somewhere.

~Comment to Lawson's article by "disordered"

Spiritual equanimity is so finely worked that all wild, wounding, or awesome events fire the brain but briefly.

~Robert Dash, Notes from Madoo

My groaning has worn me out. At night my bed and pillow are soaked with tears.

~Psalm 6:6

Pain can be exhausting. Feelings of sorrow, depression, grief, and fear can eat away at us internally to the point that we feel our bodies will waste away. We lose strength. We forfeit any sense of balance and control over our emotions. We’re reduced to groaning, powerless, grief-stricken creatures.

Emotions are very fragile things. When you’re working through old hurts or new struggles, your emotions can help you deal with them in a healthy way. Stuffing them, pretending you don’t feel grief or fear, won’t help at all. In fact, it will hurt you in the long run.

~Peter Wallace, What the Psalmist Is Saying to You Today

Keep a journal. You will be surprised how much relief you will find through writing down your thoughts, questions, memories, fears, letters to your child, or anything else that comes to mind each day.

~Carol A. Ranney, Family Grief & Bereavement Examiner

*****

Often our child-loss grief, even as complicated and traumatic as it may be, is not always grief that needs to go through therapy, especially if that therapist is not extremely understanding of grief, even more especially if that therapist is not seasoned, with a few tragedies of his or her own under their belt.

As you read the following quote from a study of grievers (some of whom had bad experiences in going through therapy with their grief), you will see why I as a psychotherapist am somewhat protective of my fellow child-loss grievers. This dynamic that exists of the possibility that therapy, if poorly done, can also add to our grief also prompts me to find self-help ways that we can utilize to better process our grief on our own. Today's article is one of those self-help ways to enable our grief to flow out in as healthy a way as possible. As I have said to my clients,

Grief cannot be cured, but it does need to flow, and we CAN receive comfort in the process of our grieving. There is a lot to be said for that!

~Angie

...(D)iagnostic decisions ought to be conservative in the circumstances of bereavement to avoid interference in a normal human process and iatrogenic complications with the associated introduction of professional interventions and their accompanying side effects. [Belitsky & Jacobs, 1986, p. 280]

~from Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy by J. William Worden

*****

Writing through the heartache of losing a child is some of the best therapy I have found on this journey.

~Alice J. Wisler

*****

The Healing Power of the Pen

~by Alice J. Wisler

(Grieving Mother and Writing Workshop Leader)

The first year after a death of a child is like having the (worst) noise possible running through your head each day and night. There is no way to turn the horrendous sounds off because there is no off button.

I wrote through that noise. I wrote from the heavy bag of emotions bereaved parents must carry—anger, guilt, sorrow and confusion, all the "what ifs" and "how comes" and "whys."

I wrote of longing for a blond-haired boy with blue eyes (whose) laughter brightened hospital rooms. A quiet spot under weeping willows at a local park is where I carried my pen, journal and pain. As I wrote over the course of many months, I was, although I didn’t realize it at the time, providing therapy for myself.

Some days when the weather did not permit a trip to the park and my body and mind harbored excruciating pain, I shut myself in a room, away from my other children and husband. I’d grab my journal and let the experiences of the day and my feelings freely emerge onto each white page. Grammar didn’t matter, penmanship went out the window. These aren’t a concern when you are writing to survive.

Writing the heartache, complete and honest, is a way of healing.

Our cry is, "Help me with this pain!"

We find ourselves lamenting as King David did in Psalm 13:2, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?"

David wrote many of his psalms starting with anger and agony and gradually, ending with hope.

Writing can do that for us. We enter into our devastation, get a good grip on what our struggles are and something about seeing them on paper causes us to realize the pain is not only within us anymore. It is shared, even if only on a sheet of notebook paper. It is documented and the more we write, the better we are able to understand and deal with our intense sorrow.

Some people think only the creative types write, when in reality, writing through the pain is available to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child. "I don’t have time," many say. "What will I write?" others wonder. The blank page scares some because they think they have to fill it with something profound.

But just writing a memory of your child or a few lines about how you felt after he died is a notable start. If we think of writing as a private endeavor and an effective tool, not a paper to be graded by a high school English teacher, we will conquer many of the doubts about our ability. In time, we will see that writing helps us become better in tune with our feelings and thoughts. It clarifies our lives and gives us understanding.

Other reasons to take the time to write are:

• To experience personal growth.

• To leave a legacy or a keepsake so that there will be recordings of what and who our child was.

• To demonstrate a way of cherishing our child.

• To feel a connection to our child as we remember the things we shared here on earth.

We also are honoring our grief, our pain and what has happened to us. We are validating its existence. As studies have shown, writing is healthy for our minds and bodies.

Professor James Pennebaker claims that writing actually helps the physical body when the writer is able to open up, by sharing deep feelings on paper over a period of time. In his study, half a group of students at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, wrote their heartfelt thoughts and feelings about a stressful event from their lives; the other half wrote about superficial topics. Each group wrote for twenty minutes a day, for four consecutive days.

Before writing and immediately after writing, blood pressure and heart rates were tested and a galvanic skin response was done. Six weeks later, the students had their blood tested again.

The group that had written about trivial topics showed no sign of changes. But the group that had poured their pain onto paper, claimed writing had actually calmed them. Their skin was drier after writing and both heart rate and blood pressure had decreased. Their blood work even showed an increase in lymphocytes, the white blood cells that work to keep the immune system healthy.

Writing through the heartache of losing a child is some of the best therapy I have found on this journey.

I didn’t know how helpful it was. I just knew I needed to organize any thoughts and get them out on paper. Now, four years since my four-year-old son Daniel’s death, I see that when all the evidence is presented, there is no reason not to write. It causes dim skies to light up when not only the pain, but also the love and cherished memories, are recorded.

~ Alice J. Wisler

(Published in the Durham Herald-Sun in April, 2002)

Picture: http://bit.ly/d2oVtT

Poem - Aftermath - Angie B. Prince - 4/22/10

Lawson: http://bit.ly/d7W0BY

Commenter to Lawson: http://bit.ly/9mVXPg

Alice J. Wisler's blog: http://www.writingtheheartache.blogspot.com/

Wisler's article: http://bit.ly/avtKUb

Thursday's Therapy - Ways We Grieve - Part Two

Thursday's Therapy

Ways We Grieve

Part Two

The National Cancer Institute describes the grief process with different terminology in their article, Bereavement, Loss, and Grief. Below are some excerpts from this article.

Bereavement, Loss, and Grief

Phases of grief 



The process of bereavement may be described as having 4 phases:

· Shock and numbness: Family members find it difficult to believe the death; they feel stunned and numb.

· Yearning and searching: Survivors experience separation anxiety and cannot accept the reality of the loss. They try to find and bring back the lost person and feel ongoing frustration and disappointment when this is not possible.

· Disorganization and despair: Family members feel depressed and find it difficult to plan for the future. They are easily distracted and have difficulty concentrating and focusing.

· Reorganization

Treatment for grief 



Most of the support that people receive after a loss comes from friends and family. Doctors and nurses may also be a source of support. For people who experience difficulty in coping with their loss, grief counseling or grief therapy may be necessary.

Grief counseling helps mourners with normal grief reactions work through the tasks of grieving. Grief counseling can be provided by professionally trained people, or in self-help groups where bereaved people help other bereaved people. All of these services may be available in individual or group settings.

The goals of Grief Counseling include:

· Helping the bereaved to accept the loss by helping him or her to talk about the loss.

· Helping the bereaved to identify and express feelings related to the loss (for example, anger, guilt, anxiety, helplessness, and sadness).

· Helping the bereaved to live without the person who died and to make decisions alone.

· Helping the bereaved to separate emotionally from the person who died and to begin new relationships.

· Providing support and time to focus on grieving at important times such as birthdays and anniversaries.

· Describing normal grieving and the differences in grieving among individuals.

· Providing continuous support.

· Helping the bereaved to understand his or her methods of coping.

· Identifying coping problems the bereaved may have and making recommendations for professional grief therapy.

Grief therapy is used with people who have more serious grief reactions. The goal of grief therapy is to identify and solve problems the mourner may have in separating from the person who died. When separation difficulties occur, they may appear as physical or behavior problems, delayed or extreme mourning, conflicted or extended grief, or unexpected mourning (although this is seldom present with cancer deaths).

Grief therapy may be available as individual or group therapy. A contract is set up with the individual that establishes the time limit of the therapy, the fees, the goals, and the focus of the therapy.

In grief therapy, the mourner talks about the deceased and tries to recognize whether he or she is experiencing an expected amount of emotion about the death. Grief therapy may allow the mourner to see that anger, guilt, or other negative or uncomfortable feelings can exist at the same time as more positive feelings about the person who died.

Human beings tend to make strong bonds of affection or attachment with others. When these bonds are broken, as in death, a strong emotional reaction occurs. After a loss occurs, a person must accomplish certain tasks to complete the process of grief. These basic tasks of mourning include accepting that the loss happened, living with and feeling the physical and emotional pain of grief, adjusting to life without the loved one, and emotionally separating from the loved one and going on with life without him or her. It is important that these tasks are completed before mourning can end.

In Grief Therapy,

6 tasks may be used to help a mourner work through grief:

· Develop the ability to experience, express, and adjust to painful grief-related changes.

· Find effective ways to cope with painful changes.

· Establish a continuing relationship with the person who died.

· Stay healthy and keep functioning.

· Re-establish relationships and understand that others may have difficulty empathizing with the grief they experience.

· Develop a healthy image of oneself and the world.

Complications in grief may come about due to uncompleted grief from earlier losses. The grief for these earlier losses must be managed in order to handle the current grief. Grief therapy includes dealing with the blockages to the mourning process, identifying unfinished business with the deceased, and identifying other losses that result from the death. The bereaved is helped to see that the loss is final and to picture life after the grief period.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief reactions require more complex therapies than uncomplicated grief reactions. Adjustment disorders (especially depressed and anxious mood or disturbed emotions and behavior), major depression, substance abuse, and even post-traumatic stress disorder are some of the common problems of complicated bereavement. Complicated grief is identified by the extended length of time of the symptoms, the interference caused by the symptoms, or by the intensity of the symptoms (for example, intense suicidal thoughts or acts).

Complicated or unresolved grief may appear as a complete absence of grief and mourning, an ongoing inability to experience normal grief reactions, delayed grief, conflicted grief, or chronic grief.

Factors that contribute to the chance that one may experience Complicated Grief include

the suddenness of the death,

the gender of the person in mourning, and

the relationship to the deceased (for example, an intense, extremely close, or very contradictory relationship).

Grief reactions that turn into major depression should be treated with both drug and psychological therapy. One who avoids any reminders of the person who died, who constantly thinks or dreams about the person who died, and who gets scared and panics easily at any reminders of the person who died may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Substance abuse may occur, frequently in an attempt to avoid painful feelings about the loss and symptoms (such as sleeplessness), and can also be treated with drugs and psychological therapy.



This information has been provided with the kind permission of the National Cancer Institute (www.nci.nih.gov/cancerinfo/)

Full article may be found at http://bit.ly/7MxVM1