Saturday's Sayings
Paralyzed in Time
in Child-Loss Grief and Trauma
"I have lived in the shadow of loss — the kind of loss that can paralyze a life, forever.
I have grieved like a professional mourner — with every waking moment, draining every ounce of life-force.
I have died — without leaving my body. I came back — and now it’s your turn.
I have learned to remember my past — without living in it...."
~Grieving Mothers
*****
"It is frequently said that the grief of a Grieving Mother is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. The grief caused by their child's death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting.....children are not supposed to die. These parents are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, Grieving parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died. Grieving parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child...."
~Grieving Mothers
******
-
- Time plays games on the mind of a heart that has been broken.
- (for Samuel Oct. 20, 1977-Sept. 29, 1998)
-
- a spit in the ocean of time
-
- was it just yesterday that i saw you last
- you were smiling, your blue eyes bright
- when was it, i can't remember
- maybe in a dream last night
-
- i don't know where time does go
- somewhere beyond the sun
- away away on the wind it flies
- then another day is done
-
- i don't want to think too very hard
- for it brings me to my knees
- so many years to miss you
- oh god please help me please
-
- sometimes the pain feels so very new
- as though time has just stood still
- and i look so hard to see you
- but know i never will
-
- but just the same your spirit lives
- in the wind, the moon and the stars
- you may fly by me and touch my cheek
- and soften my heart of scars
-
- the cord of love still ties us
- firstborn child of mine
- and as the years pass between us
- i know, it is just a spit in the ocean of time
*****
-
-
- Dear Mom,
I know this is a rough time for you. So I will be as gentle as I can be.
.
First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in me. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only.
.
Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work on their timetable. Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently & yearn for my return. Do this with courage & my blessings.
.
Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me & renewing your commitments to life. It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours & even days not thinking about me. I know that you'll never forget. Loosening me & grabbing hold of a new meaning is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.
.
Be with people who accept you as you are.
.
Mention my name out loud, & if they don't make a hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship. If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything that you could have done for me & didn't, I forgive you, as my Lord does.
.
Resentment does not abide here, only love. You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I'm still yours & you are still my Mom.
.
Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you. I know how you feel inside. To be included as your child honors me. Read, even though your tears anoint the page.
.
There is an immense library here & I have a card. In Henri Nowens' (sic) "Out of Solitude" he writes, "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair & confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief & bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, & face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
.
Mom, I don't know where you are spiritually now, but rest assured that our God is not gone. The still small voice you hear in your heart is His voice. The warmth that sometimes enfolds you is Him. The tears that tremble just beneath your heartbeat is Him. He is in you, as I am. I want you to know that I am okay.
.
I have sent you messages to ease your pain, they come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices & visions & sometimes through your friends & even strangers who volunteer as angels.
.
Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic :) You will get what you need & it may be simply an internal peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.
.
Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, & if they have done their work, are an inspiration & a beacon of hope whose pain lessened dramatically & one more wisdom before I close. There are still funny happenings in our world. It delights me to no end when I hear your spontaneous, uncontrolled laughter. That, too, will come in due time. Today, I light a candle for you. Joined with your candle, let their light shine above the darkness.
.
Affectionately,
Your Loving Angel child.
Anthony xoxo
~Anthony Shallo-Gloria Mejia Drobney
*****
Honor, Express, Learn and Practice or better known as H • E • L • P™
Honor your emotions and feelings. Acknowledging and validating them is the first step towards awareness. They are real and you are normal. Remember emotions and feelings ebb and flow.
Express and experience your emotions, feelings and thoughts. It is a rollercoaster ride with many twists and turns. Expressing eases the pain and begins the process of healing. Crying, journaling, writing, listening to music, art, talking to someone, support groups are some ways that you can express and experience your emotions.
Learn how to raise your awareness, to cope and take responsibility and action for healing yourself.
Practice awareness, coping strategies, action and positive thoughts to create new possibilities in your life. Be patient grief has no timeline.
~Bonni Rubinstein
*****
"Don't"
~written by Joanetta Hendel:
Don't tell me that you understand,
Don't tell me that you know...
Don't tell me that I will surely survive,
How I will surely grow...
Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed...
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest...
Don't come at me with answers,
That can only come from me...
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free...
Don't stand in pious judgment,
Of the bonds that I must untie...
Don't tell me how to suffer,
And don't tell me how to cry...
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see...
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally...
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share...
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care"...
~contributed by The Compassionate Friends/USA
Comments to "Don't":
~20 yrs later, and this still holds true~
(~KG)
~THERE IS NO TIME FOR US. IT FOREVER UNTIL WE ARE HOME WITH OUR CHILD~ (~L.S.)
~Hugs to all!!! I'm going to read this at my next parent's grief group..I will be sure to give the author credit. Everyone's grief is their own. No one can tell us how, or why, or when or if it's going to end. We are all now different people, whose worlds have changed, and will never be the same again.~
(~TG)
~ I was going to post this as my status but then saw that I had put it in a "note" on my wall back in February, the 3 year anniversary of my daughter's murder. It still holds true today as we continually have people tell us how we should be coping with (her) death. If I were brave enough, I would tattoo this on my forehead to that others would stop and read it before speaking.~
(~SGC)
~So very true. My 30 year old son, Matt, has been gone almost 5 years, and my emotions are still raw. I still can hardly get through many days. Most people don't understand, and really, they can't understand. No one understands unless they live this nightmare....~
(~SD)
~I really like this and can identify... This poem by Joanetta Hendel reflects the desperation that is also a part of grief in social (sic) relating to others, so I do understand.~
(~GS)
~This is what I needed for today and everyday after. I wish all of my "friends" could read this so when I cry I can stop hearing "it's going to be ok" when it is not.~
(~NDW)
~This poem pretty much says it all for the surreal, raw emotions we have to endure for a lifetime!!~
(~J.W.)
~ I totally agree, for me and I'm sure many of you feel the same way when I say that the worst thing imaginable has taken place with the death of a child, nothing, and I mean nothing comes close. From here on out everything else will just pale in comparison. ~
(~GRM)
~ I lost both sons four months apart. Don't tell me time will heal me....~
(~KWY)
~My best friend kept telingl me "don't feel guilty" "don't be sad, remember the good things." "Your daughter wouldn't want you to feel this way" I love my friend dearly, I finally had to say to her. "I love you, and pray to God, that you never feel what I feel. Because, only then will you know and understand what I feel, and I never want you to know this intense pain. "She looked me and said "I now get it, I will never know unless I walk in your shoes." I wish more people would have gotten it, I became resentful of all of those well meaning words. I talked less and less of my daughter, my true feelings. It deeply effected many relationships with friends and family.~
(~KWB)
~Just the right words. I have isolated myself due to the fact he people just don't understand me now.~
(~FBS)
~time never heels (sic) ~
(~JLG)
~Truer words were never spoken. We have two children in Heaven and we know... ~
(~BW)
~I have been going through this lately with people who stand judgement with what I "should" be doing or not doing. People who aren't going through this have absolutely NO understanding of what it is like.....their kids are fine and here....they still get their "tomorrows"...all I have left of my angel are yesterdays and they really hurt!! I just want people to just be here for me with no lectures, no talking behind my back; just hold my hand or give me a hug. It's that simple.~
(~CD)
~It's been 20 months since I lost my 18 yr old son. People go on with their own lives and forget that it's not that easy for a grieving parent. I sometimes feel they forget that I'm still so sad. I try to put a smile on face to make them feel comfortable. I just wished that they would just hug me and say ,"I know you are still so sad and that I love you".~
(~SBC)
~Oh how I feel every word of this. Thank you for posting it. Making it step by step stumble by stumble ♥~
(~CPR)
~It is something that no one really understands unless they have been there....an emptiness you carry with you always.~
(~DA)
~A heart wrenching description of how it feels to when our children pass away before we do. Life as we knew it will NEVER be the same but hopefully all of us make it through it.~
(~DSS)
~Wonderful poem that gives words to our feelings of loneliness in our grief.~
(~FN)
~"Beautiful, but so few are willing to accept us as we are."
- Almost 12 years since my beautiful baby boy... died, my grief is different, yet I am not, nor have I been accepted in my "new normal" To the PEOPLE in my life, get a clue I will NEVER be who I was... NEVER!!! Just as I was never the same after he was born... so why would I be or even why should I be the same after his death...~
- (~BHZ)
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