Profound Nightmare

Profound Nightmare

 

To bed at 2, up at 3:47 . . .

Dreamed of her—it was another nightmare:

I thought she was here, not up in Heaven,

And yet I could not find her anywhere.  

I dreamed it was some kind of holiday,

A special day I was to share with her.  

I couldn’t find her; there was not a way . . .

Of which date, or which place, I was not sure!

. . . So I was going to get to see her,

Could not find her—I was letting her down!

Frenetically seeking, kept missing her . . .

Rules I was following would run aground.  

. . . A superficial world I was hanging

Onto, the rules of which I could not change:

It seemed my head, I was “banging, banging”—

The pathway I was on was way too strange.

(What could the moral of my nightmare be?)

She was somewhere, but on a different plane.

My clichéd rules were just frustrating me;

Holding onto them were just bringing pain.

I was living in a make-believe world,

Its rules could not help me find m’ baby girl.

Perhaps she wasn’t the only one stuck;

We were both trapped in lives kicking up muck!

In her life here, she was with me, but lies

Were what was keeping me away from her.

Now she’s away—in Heaven; I realize

My make-believe “dreams” distance me from her.

But I could not seem to drop rigid rules;

I knew I was using all the wrong tools.

When she was here, she was “bound” to have her way;

My make-believe dreams trap me the same way.

Why can’t I stop my magical thinking,

That if she were here, my life would be “syncing.”

Letting her go would mean trusting that God

Would bring her closer by (her) leaving this sod.

This world—is not all there is, I must trust!

We get our real life by turning to dust?!

Letting her go brings her closer to me?!

Holding what was distances her from me?!

God, may You have mercy to set me free—

“My” kingdom on earth is not good for me;

I must let go of all idol worship,

Even if it means “perfect life” worship!

Lord, You know I’m stuck in all the wrong rules;

The only way “out” is to use Your tools.

The only release is to follow You—

Lord, refresh my heart with Your morning dew . . .

Create a clean heart, right spirit renew!

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.  

Psalm 51:10 KJV  (one of her favorite verses)

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Written 4/21/09 – Profound Nightmare – Angie Bennett Prince  

Tsunami of Grief - When Will the Grief Ever Stop?

Tsunami of Grief - When Will the Grief Ever Stop?

written May 4, 2008 by Angie Bennett Prince, 21 months after Merry Katherine's death

Just as sudden displacements such as earthquakes and landslides produce high energy waves of short duration that can devastate coastal regions, so my child's death has caused a landslide in this mother's heart, soul, and spirit of seismic proportions, spawning tidal waves that come crashing down on me, sometimes at tsunami force, causing near-devastation.  

Once her tumultuous journey as an acting-out teen "experimenting" with drugs hit my life like a boulder being thrown into a once-placid pond, causing ripples and waves of differing proportions, oft-times disconcerting, other times painful, and many times terrorizing.  

But Merry Katherine's Death has been tantamount to causing a virtual earthquake or landslide in the grounds of my heart, provoking seismic waves of tsunami proportions to come coursing down upon my being, effectively wiping out any semblance of life as I once knew it.

Yes, now I am in a period of "recovery," yet still I am devastated.  I am not sure how much "life" is left in the topography of my soul--that remains to be seen.  And I realize that what "life" does survive may cause my life to take on a whole different form. 

Just as Indonesia is still Indonesia after the recent tsunami, its topography changed completely with many aspects of its former "life" being snuffed out--sometimes temporarily, other times completely.  The same concept applies to me, the Grief-struck.  Just as Indonesia is still Indonesia after the tsunami hit, though life there may look very different now, so too "I" am still "I" and yet "I" have changed.  Not "if" I have changed is to be determined, but "how" I have changed remains the unanswered question.  

But body searches are still being conducted in my heart, soul and spirit to see what life has survived and can remain.   It leaves me questioning who I am now, what I am capable of doing with the amount of damage I have sustained, and what does God want to do with all of this ravaged soul?  At times I wonder, can anything be done with such a ravaged soul?  But mostly, I believe that "we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us," yet I have no idea what form my life will take at this point.  

So I ask, "When will my Grief stop?"  

At this point, it looks like I am healing some under God's wing (with lots of quiet and alone time with Him), as God faithfully continues to work in my body, soul and spirit as I open my heart up to Him.  Don't get me wrong; healing is almost a full-time-job, a daily (if not minute-by-minute) process, often painful and grueling, but God meets me there and touches my pain in a way that comforts me deeply; His comfort often leaves me sobbing and praising Him at the same time!  

But the Grief?  I think the Grief remains until I reach the soothing, still waters of Heaven's shores where my Heavenly Father Himself will embrace me and will wipe all tears from my eyes.

35 Who shall ever separate us from Christ's love?  Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation?  Or calamity and distress?  Or persecution or hunger or destitution or peril or sword?  36 Even as it is written, "For Thy sake we are put to death all the day long; we are regarded and counted as sheep for the slaughter."  37 Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us.  38 For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, 39 Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  

                                             Romans 8:35-39 (Amplified)  

3 Then I heard a mighty voice from the throne and I perceived its distinct words, saying, "See!  The abode of God is with men, and He will live (encamp, tent) among them; and they shall be His people, and God shall personally be with them and be their God.  

4 God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, 

for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away.  

Revelation 21:3-4 (Amplified)

Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Grief

My brother Rick is in the hospital tonight with pneumonia. Since I was a child, we had to be sure to get him right to the hospital if there was a chance he had pneumonia. You see, my brother is handicapped--he can't walk; he's never been able to walk, so he is in a wheelchair. Being in a wheelchair over all those years, (he is 58), Rick's muscles have gotten weaker and weaker, so contracting pneumonia can be extremely serious when he doesn't have the muscle-power to cough enough to clear his lung congestion.

By this evening after intravenous antibiotics, Rick is doing better, but isn't out of the woods yet (he's still in Intensive Care). He reflected back over the day with my sisters who have been with him since 8:00 this a.m. that he thought for awhile there he really wasn't gonna make it. No wonder my sisters had called me (I'm five hours away), tearful and frightened this morning. Tommy and I prayed intensely for him all day. I'm so thankful God heard and is answering all our prayers!

Having lost my daughter, I find myself getting traumatized when anything bad happens to someone I love. The possibility of losing them has become all-too-real to me. So my body and emotions fast-forward ahead to the worst possibility, and I'm there, fearful and grieving the worst.

Even though I'm a therapist, I forget that Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome can happen right along with grief. When I get triggered (like if one of my sons forgets to call me when going away, and I hit near-panic over the possibilities), knowledge doesn't seem to phase my emotions. Even though I might know intellectually that the odds are great he just forgot to call, my body and emotions are already traumatized, and there's not much I can do to undo them at that point.

Grief can be so complex and complicated. It is almost impossible to help someone else to understand all the intricacies involved with grief where one thing affects another, affects another, and so on. (I can't even understand complicated grief, and I'm living it!) Some days, I can hardly function when the grief has been intense; okay, I'll admit . . . at some level, that pain is always fairly debilitating; for it not to be debilitating is the exception.

That's one reason I'm so glad I can write during this time--doing something productive when just about everything else is "high" on the dysfunctional scale. Thank You, God, for Your creative juices to be flowing through me when I'm out for the count for much else.

But wait, isn't that how You always said it would be? 

"My grace is sufficient for you; for My power is made perfect when your power runs out."  2 Corinthians 12:9a

Move in and through me, Lord; I guess I am primed and ready for Your power to flow!