Tuesday's Trust - Years and Years of Grieving... ~Angie and Tommy Prince

Tuesday's Trust

Years and Years of Grieving...

~Angie and Tommy Prince

Tommy and I were talking about the Bible the other day, and as we were talking about the story of Joseph being taken from his father and seemingly left for dead only to end up as second to the Pharaoh in Egypt, yet everything that is described about Joseph's father Jacob in thinking he had lost Joseph forever, described a man who had been grieving for years and years. He was so grieved that when Joseph's half-brothers asked their father if they could take Joseph's only full-blooded brother Benjamin with them to get grain from Egypt so they all wouldn't starve, Jacob refused and said if anything happened to this son, the only brother to his son he had lost, that he would surely be brought down to the grave in his grief. 

In walking through this story, Tommy heard me say the words, this father, after "years and years of grieving," and stopped me cold. He said, 

"Do you hear what you are saying?" 

And then we both exclaimed, Jacob, the man of God who fathered all the children that make up the twelve tribes of Israel, was certainly a godly man, and yet his grief over one of his twelve children had consumed him for years and years, and years! 

This icon of the Jewish and Christian faith, having had Abraham as his grandfather, and Isaac as his father, and then Jacob himself, God called "Israel"! Yet Jacob, the father of all the tribes of Israel, had been consumed with grief over his child for almost his entire lifetime. 

And these modern-day Christians think we are to be touched by fairy dust and zap, we should be OVER our grief? It is not going to happen… that is, until we see our child again… in Heaven. Jacob was bereaved his whole lifetime until he was rejoined with his son Joseph whom he thought he had lost forever. 

Think about it! God leaves these stories in His Word for our edification. No one needs to apologize for their life-long grief. Life-long grief is just what happens when we lose our child...

~~~

Scriptures Revealing Jacob's Deep Grief:

~Genesis 42

3 Then ten of Joseph’s brothers went down to buy grain from Egypt. 4 But Jacob did not send Benjamin, Joseph’s brother, with the others, because he was afraid that harm might come to him. 5 So Israel’s sons were among those who went to buy grain, for there was famine in the land of Canaan also.

….

29 When they came to their father Jacob in the land of Canaan, they told him all that had happened to them. They said, 30 “The man who is lord over the land spoke harshly to us and treated us as though we were spying on the land. 31 But we said to him, ‘We are honest men; we are not spies. 32 We were twelve brothers, sons of one father. One is no more, and the youngest is now with our father in Canaan.’

33 “Then the man who is lord over the land said to us, ‘This is how I will know whether you are honest men: Leave one of your brothers here with me, and take food for your starving households and go. 34 But bring your youngest brother to me so I will know that you are not spies but honest men. Then I will give your brother back to you, and you can trade in the land.’ ”

35 As they were emptying their sacks, there in each man’s sack was his pouch of silver! When they and their father saw the money pouches, they were frightened. 36 Their father Jacob said to them, “You have deprived me of my children. Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more, and now you want to take Benjamin. Everything is against me!”

37  But Then Reuben said to his father, "You may put both of my sons to death if I do not bring him back to you. Entrust him to my care, and I will bring him back."

38 But Jacob said, “My son will not go down there with you; his brother is dead and he is the only one left. If harm comes to him on the journey you are taking, you will bring my gray head down to the grave in sorrow.”

~Genesis 43

{After their grain had run out, and they were afraid they then would starve, Jacob remitted from his stance…}

13 Take your brother also and go back to the man at once. 14 And may God Almighty grant you mercy before the man so that he will let your other brother and Benjamin come back with you. As for me, if I am bereaved, I am bereaved.

~Genesis 44

19 My lord asked his servants, ‘Do you have a father or a brother?’ 20 And we answered, ‘We have an aged father, and there is a young son born to him in his old age. His brother is dead, and he is the only one of his mother’s sons left, and his father loves him.’

….

25 “Then our father said, ‘Go back and buy a little more food.’ 26 But we said, ‘We cannot go down. Only if our youngest brother is with us will we go. We cannot see the man’s face unless our youngest brother is with us.’

27 “Your servant my father said to us, ‘You know that my wife bore me two sons. 28 One of them went away from me, and I said, “He has surely been torn to pieces.” And I have not seen him since. 29 If you take this one from me too and harm comes to him, you will bring my gray head down to the grave in misery.’

30 “So now, if the boy is not with us when I go back to your servant my father, and if my father, whose life is closely bound up with the boy’s life, 31 sees that the boy isn’t there, he will die. Your servants will bring the gray head of our father down to the grave in sorrow. 32 Your servant guaranteed the boy’s safety to my father. I said, ‘If I do not bring him back to you, I will bear the blame before you, my father, all my life!’

33 “Now then, please let your servant remain here as my lord’s slave in place of the boy, and let the boy return with his brothers. 34 How can I go back to my father if the boy is not with me? No! Do not let me see the misery that would come on my father.”

~Genesis 45

…

25 So they went up out of Egypt and came to their father Jacob in the land of Canaan. 26 They told him, “Joseph is still alive! In fact, he is ruler of all Egypt.” Jacob was stunned; he did not believe them. 27 But when they told him everything Joseph had said to them, and when he saw the carts Joseph had sent to carry him back, the spirit of their father Jacob revived. 28 And Israel said, “I’m convinced! My son Joseph is still alive. I will go and see him before I die.”

~Genesis 46

...

 29 Joseph had his chariot made ready and went to Goshen to meet his father Israel. As soon as Joseph appeared before him, he threw his arms around his father and wept for a long time.

30 Israel said to Joseph, “Now I am ready to die, since I have seen for myself that you are still alive.”

~Genesis 48

11 Israel said to Joseph, “I never expected to see your face again, and now God has allowed me to see your children too.”

Pictures, thanks to ~Angel Graphic Corner and ~SafeHaven For Widowed

Tuesday's Trust - Who Can You Trust?

~via Grieving Mother, Jill Compton

Tuesday's Trust 

Who Can You Trust?

Who knew a world-wide-web would be conducive to one-on-one intimacy? About a year into my grief, I heard Elizabeth Edwards say that the key to her surviving the loss of her child was her online friends; and I remember thinking to myself, 

"Here this woman's husband is running for the presidency of the United States and she couldn't find any friends around her to support her in her grief????"

Little did I know, it doesn't matter how many friends and family you have around you, none but the child-loss grievers will have a clue how to help you, (at least after the first week, maybe even up to the first month, and possibly for the first year). Now I find that I too am like Elizabeth Edwards:

I have more of a sense of these sisters-of-the-heart who have lost a child being my "family" than my own sisters and family and friends who just don't "get it." I should say, they do not, cannot, and will not "get it," and therefore they are no longer safe people for me.

Sisters, family, and friends want me back as I "was," and I cannot deliver! As much as I would love to, I cannot return to a world-as-it-once-was as that world did not have to deal with my Having Lost My Baby!!! Acceptance of the unacceptable now has to be a part of my healing, and that makes all the difference in the world in my life now.

~via "Silly Stupid Statuses & Stuff 24/7"

So, I find myself, too, like Elizabeth Edwards, seeking refuge through the internet to have my daily devastating pain touched by other grieving mothers who know, r-e-a-l-l-y  k-n-o-w, the depths of my pain.

It seems I can trust interacting with other grieving mothers via the internet more than I can anywhere else. 

~via Grieving Mother, Jill Compton

Even going to Compassionate Friends meetings, it seems I cannot manage my traumatization level as well, being up-close-and-personal to everyone-in-the-room's pain once-a-month as I can navigating through what I can and can't handle on any given day on the internet. My grief seems to need daily comfort but also a wide variety of support. Any one group of people may not be where I am in my grief, but it seems on the internet, I can safely run across that specific comfort that I may need at the time. If I need affirmations, I know where to go. If I need music to help penetrate the depths of my pain, I know where to go. If I need interpersonal connection, I know where to find it. If I cannot handle the depths of someone else's pain on any given day, I know I can go back on another day and reach out to them, and they to me.

The rain falls merciless from the sky, 

is it because my angel cries?

The thunder echoes my broken heart,

wishing my baby (were) in my arms.

The flood of grief is sometimes (too) deep,

my faith in peace is hard to keep.

The darkness (envelops) my soul,

without her I am not whole.

Clouds surround me everyday,

keeping the light from the sun away. 

I need the warmth on my skin, 

to feel human again.

~Vandy Gibson

~via "Grieving Mothers"

Reaching out via the internet seems to minimize the risk of secondary trauma. I seek refuge there because it is safe whereas reaching out to family or friends, wittingly or unwittingly, they often slip and say a caustic word that sends me plummeting and bringing further injury to my heart and our relationship.

There is no complete healing this side of Heaven, but there is a learning to navigate through my pain by attaining the proper support I need on any given day as I work through the many dimensions of my grief.

Who knew you could be the most intimate on such a "public highway" as the internet to touch the depths of one's pain?!

~via Grieving Father, Tom Zuba

Friday's Faith - The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead: "The Most Unselfish Love" ~Søren Kierkegaard, Part Two

"If we are to love the men we see, then we are also to love those whom we have seen but see no more because death took them away.... 

"(O)ne must remember the dead; 

weep softly, but grieve long."

Friday's Faith

The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead

"The Most Unselfish Love"

~Søren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855)

Part Two

"Beloved, let us love one another.

1 John 4:7a (NASB)

Excerpt from 

Works of Love

~Søren Kierkegaard

(translated by Howard and Edna Hong)

{Remember, Kierkegaard himself recommends you read his work aloud for best understanding of it!)

The work of love in remembering one who is dead is a work of the MOST UNSELFISH love.

If one wants to make sure that love is completely unselfish, he eliminates every possibility of repayment. But precisely this is eliminated in the relationship to one who is dead. If love nevertheless remains, it is in truth unselfish.

Repayment in connection with love can be quite varied. For that matter one can have outright profit and reward, and this is indeed the persistently common way, the "pagan" way, "to love those who can make repayment." According to this view the repayment is heterogeneous, something different from the love itself. But there is also a repayment for love which is homogeneous with love:  requited love. And there is still so much good in the majority of men that as a rule they will regard this repayment, repayment in the form of gratitude, of thankfulness, of devotion, in short, of requited love, as the most significant, although in another sense they will perhaps not admit that it is repayment and therefore consider that one cannot call love selfish insofar as it seeks this repayment.

---But in no sense do the dead make repayment.

In this respect there is a similarity between lovingly remembering one who is dead and parents' love for children. The parents love their children almost before they exist and long before they become conscious, therefore as non-beings. But one dead is also a non-being. And the two greatest benefactions are these:  to give life to a human being and to remember one dead; yet the first act of love has repayment. If there is no hope at all for parents, no prospect at all of ever having joy in their children and reward for their love---yes, there are still many fathers and mothers who would nevertheless do everything for children:  but there are also many mothers and fathers whose love would grow cold. It is not our intention hereby directly to declare such a father or mother to be unloving; no, but their love is nevertheless so weak or self-love so strong that they need this joyous hope, this encouraging prospect. And with this hope, this prospect, everything would be right again. The parents would say to each other:  "Our little child certainly has a long time ahead of him; there are many years; but in all this time we still have joy in him, and above all, we have the hope that at sometime he will reward our love, will in repayment make our old age happy, if he does nothing else."

The dead, however, make no repayment. One who remembers lovingly can perhaps also say:  "A long life lies before me, dedicated to remembering, but the prospect first and last is the same; in a certain sense there is no threat at all in the prospect, for there simply is no prospect." O, in a certain sense, it is so hopeless; it is such a thankless job, as the farmer says, such a disheartening occupation to remember one who is dead! For one who is dead does not grow and thrive toward the future as does the child: one who is dead merely crumbles away more and more into certain ruin. One who is dead does not give joy to the rememberer as the child gives joy to its mother, does not give him joy as the child gives her joy when to her question about whom he loves most, he answers, "Mother"; one who is dead loves no one most, for he seems to love no one at all. 

O, it is so dejecting that he remains quiet that is way down there in the grave while the longing after him grows, so dejecting that there is no change conceivable except the change of dissolution, more and more! 

True, he is not difficult as the child can be at times; he does not cause sleepless nights, at least not by being difficult---for, remarkably enough, the good child does not cause sleepless nights, and yet the one who is dead causes the more sleepless nights the better he was. 

O, but as far as the most difficult child is concerned there are still the hope and prospect of repayment of love:  but one dead makes no payment at all. Whether you are sleepless and expectant on his account or you completely forget him seems to be completely a matter of indifference to him. 

If, therefore, you wish to test for yourself whether you love disinterestedly, note sometimes how you relate yourself to one who is dead. Much love, doubtless most, would upon closer examination certainly show itself to be self-love. But the situation is this, in the love-relationship among the living there is still the hope, the prospect, of love as repayment, at least the repayment of reciprocated love, and generally repayment is made. But this hope, this prospect, together with the fact that repayment is made, makes a man unable to see with clarity what is love and what is self-love, because one cannot see with clarity whether repayment is expected and in what sense. In relationship to one who is dead. however, the observation is easy. 

O, if one were accustomed truly to love unselfishly, one would certainly remember the dead differently from the way one usually does after the first period, frequently rather brief, in which one loves the dead inordinately enough with cries and clamour.

The work of love in remembering one who is dead is a work of the freest (free-est) love.

To be continued...

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers
NASB = New American Standard Bible

Friday's Faith - The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead: "The Most Unselfish Love" ~Søren Kierkegaard, Part One

"If we are to love the men we see, then we are also to love those whom we have seen but see no more because death took them away.... 

"(O)ne must remember the dead; 

weep softly, but grieve long."

Friday's Faith

The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead:

"The Most Unselfish Love"

~Søren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855)

Part One

"Beloved, let us love one another."

1 John 4:7a (NASB)

~~~

In this hardened world we live in, even many Christians can be so ignorant as to say to us child-loss grievers, 

"Are you still grieving your child? Doesn't it make a difference for you that you have God?!" 

A good friend of ours, who is a Christian, actually said those words to Tommy and me, just one year after Merry Katherine's death. Thus, it is so refreshing to hear a brilliant man such as Danish philosopher, theologian, poet, social critic, and religious author, Søren Kierkegaard "get it" when he says quite the opposite in one of his premier writings, Works of Love. So, in the next several weeks, I would love to share with you some of the gold mine of his works by sharing large excerpts from his chapter nine entitled, "The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead."

It is important for us to know why this God-dedicated man could "get it" when so many Christians around us seem so maddeningly clueless: 

"Five of Kierkegaard's seven children died before he did."

~Wikipedia.org

~~~

Kierkegaard wrote about the love of God working intimately in the lives of individuals as opposed to the group-think we often see in today's church. In The Philosophy of Religion, Otto Pfleiderer wrote about Kierkegaard: "

"Hence (Kierkegaard's) passionate polemic against ecclesiastical Christianity, which he says has fallen away from Christ by coming to a peaceful understanding with the world and conforming itself to the world's life."

He went on to say,

"Kierkegaard can only find true Christianity in entire renunciation of the world, in the following of Christ in lowliness and suffering especially when met by hatred and persecution on the part of the world."

A note to the reader: Kierkegaard himself recommended that those who read his words, read them aloud: "I beg you to read aloud, if possible." This has been very helpful to me in being able to better understand their meaning.

~~~

From Works of Love:

(translated by Howard and Edna Hong)

Kierkegaard prefaces his book, Works of Love, with a prayer to the very God of Love. Here is an excerpt from his prayer: 

"How could love be rightly discussed if You were forgotten, O God of Love, source of all love in heaven and on earth, You who spared nothing but gave all in love, You who are love, so that one who loves is what he is only by being in You! How could love properly be discussed if You were forgotten, You who made manifest what love is, You, our Saviour and Redeemer, who gave Yourself to save all! How could love be rightly discussed if You were forgotten, O Spirit of Love, You who take nothing for Your own but remind us of that sacrifice of love, remind the believer to love as he is loved, and his neighbour as himself! O Eternal Love, You who are everywhere present and never without witness wherever you are called upon, be not without witness in what is said here about love or about the works of love."

~~~

In chapter 9 of his book, Works of Love, Kierkegaard first challenges us to go to the graveyard, "in order there to get a look at life":

"See, out here is the place to think about life, to get an overview with the help of this brief summary which abbreviates all the complicated extensiveness of relationships. How, then, in a piece on love could I leave unused this occasion for making a test of what love essentially is? In truth, if you really want to make sure about love in yourself or in another person, then note how he relates himself to one who is dead....

"...(W)hen one relates himself to one who is dead, in this relationship there is only one, for one dead is nothing actual. No one, absolutely no one, can make himself nobody as one dead can, for he is nobody; consequently there can be no talk here about irregularities in observations; here the living becomes revealed; here he must show himself exactly as he is, because one who is dead---yes, he is a clever fellow---has withdrawn himself completely; he has not the slightest influence, either disturbing or helping, on the living person who relates himself to him. One who is dead is not an actual object; he is only the occasion which continually reveals what resides in the one living who relates himself to him....

"But we do have duties toward the dead. 

"If we are to love the men we see, then we are also to love those whom we have seen but see no more because death took them away....

"...(O)ne must remember the dead; weep softly, but grieve long."

"How long cannot be decided in advance, because no one remembering can with certainty know how long he will be separated from the dead. But he who in love remembers one dead can make his own ~ some words from the psalm of David in which there is also discussion of remembering:

"If I forget thee, let my right hand forget its cunning; let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember thee, if I do not prefer thee above my chief joy..."

~Psalm 137:5-6 (KJV)

"Therefore, among the works of love, let us not forget this, let us not forget to consider

"THE WORK OF LOVE REMEMBERING ONE WHO IS DEAD.

"The work of love in remembering one who is dead is a work of the MOST UNSELFISH love."

...to be continued

Picture, thanks to "Grieving Mothers"
More about Søren Kierkegaard: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard
Scriptures: NASB = New American Standard Bible, KJV = King James Version

Saturday's Sayings - The "new Normal," Part Three

Saturday's Sayings

The "new Normal," 

Part Three

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All graphics, thanks to Death of a Loved one; Quotes, Poems, and Resources's Photos 

Saturday's Sayings - The "new Normal," Part One

Saturday's Sayings

The "new Normal," 

Part One

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~All graphics and quotes within are thanks to, "Death of a Loved One ~ Quotes, Poems, and Resources"

Wednesday's Woe - "If you could only imagine....."

Wednesday's Woe

"If you could only imagine....."

The following is written by a father who lost his son:

If you could only imagine.....

You say it's time for me to "move on" in my grief. Perhaps you're right or perhaps you just don't realize what you're asking. So, why don't you try this little exercise and maybe it will help you get a better perspective on what I am going through. To make this really hit home for you it should be practiced for at least 24 hours. The longer the better; but, we do not have that long, so we will do it for 10 minutes. Don't blow this off as a stupid idea. It works along the same lines as blindfolding yourself to experience being without sight. 

First of all, think about your child. 

I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world that your beloved child died. Whatever age or stage of development, whether he or she lives with you or not, just imagine you won't ever see that child on earth again. 

Let me explain to you the reality…try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing his/her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child.... never hearing them say "I love you"…nothing - just silence, emptiness.....

Now imagine never seeing your child's smile, never seeing him upset or happy, never watching him sleep…missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7. 

You smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at his pictures and can only cry - what happened, why? 

You have never felt longing like this in your life! Longing to hear his voice, to see his face again,…and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix this. 

Now, imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. Every thing you loved now hurts like hell… For example: music. I used to be a band director. Music was a big part of my life. Now it's hard for me to listen to it It sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open, especially rap music......my son loved rap music. Almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child. I am not unique in that pain - if you lost a child you would know. That is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example! 

Now imagine calling all your family and friends to tell them your child died. 

Next; go to a funeral home and discuss caskets or cremation, headstone, burial plots, etc. Pick out a favorite outfit for your child to be buried in and the flowers that lay at the alter. Sit down and write out the obituary for the newspaper, pick out the music to be played at their memorial and picking out pictures of them to put around the funeral home. 

Get in his closet of his room and hold onto his clothes that he wore and cry until there are no more tears. 

Then repeat this until you think you're losing your mind and your gut is wrenching. 

If you made it through that part you are ready for the next step. As good parents, we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. this we cannot fix, we cannot make it better. So; on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helplessness..out of control hopelessness…and this is universal. Every parent that truly loves their child will feel this. 

Are you starting to imagine now how it feels? Just think you are doing this exercise for only 10 minutes, imagine... really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 - day after day, month after month, year after year and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to; memories of your child play over and over in your mind. Your child when he was a baby, a laughing happy little boy, a handsome young teen, a wonderful young man/ woman and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child's life…but; that is a fear you have. You fear that as time passes, you will start to forget…so now, please add FEAR to the list of emotions. 

This is what it really feels like. A part of you has died.... don't just read the words, FEEL them - DIED...... gone forever… a real, beautiful, living part of you has died… and you are still living. Left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!! 

During all of this remember, the world hasn't stopped. If you have a job, you will have to return to it. The power company and everyone else still wants their payment each month. 

You may have doctor's bills, ambulance bills, and attorney fees if an accident was involved. 

If your child died at the hands of another, there will be a trial and publicity. 

If you were blessed to have other children; you will have to deal with their grief as well as your own. They will still have homework, tests, reports, projects and the class bully. 

You feel the loss with every thought, every emotion. The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life. 

Even with your other children...you still love your other children just as much as always, but, as hard as it is... even they hurt you now... because when you see them... you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died.... not being with their siblings. It doesn't fit. There is a piece missing. Your whole life doesn't fit anymore. Everything that felt right, now feels wrong and of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control..... MISSING....… 

Next comes the "firsts". First birthday without them. First anniversary of death and at first, you count the days, weeks, and months since they passed. Your first Christmas without them, etc. When everyone is singing tra-la-la and jingle bells.... you won't be. Your heart will be too heavy. The hurt will be so intense you will marvel that you can get out of bed each morning. 

Every morning when you take your other children to school you'll be reminded that you AREN'T taking one too. 

You'll see their friends going on with their lives and it will cut you to the quick. 

When they all graduate from kindergarten, middle school, high school..... your child won't. 

When you start getting wedding invitations in the mail for these other children, you'll be reminded again of your loss. 

Don't forget that when you go shopping; you'll see things that you wanted to buy for your deceased child and many times you will still buy them anyway. 

You'll see places the two of you USED to go and sometimes sit in the parking lot and remember that special day. 

At home when you prepare a favorite meal of the child who is gone; it won't taste the same to you. 

The pictures, cards they made for you or sent you, the toys and other possessions of your child.... will be both harmful.... and helpful. They are a link to the past, a way to remember more about what you've lost and (had) at the same time; they are a link to the past and a way to remember more about what you've lost. 

Remember....... That family portrait you were always so proud of? Well, it will take on a whole new meaning now. 

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell.... that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss. 

With other losses, you grieve and you are of course sad, but, when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist... gone just like that..... gone no warning, JUST GONE. 

And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are - are Gone!!! 

That is why when parents who have lost children hear.. 

"I want the old you back," 

"It's been a year (a month, 6 months-whatever), don't you feel better yet?," 

"You are doing this to yourself," 

"You're making it harder on yourself," 

"Grief can become a selfish thing you know"

...we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive. 

No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves, we are just trying to hold on. 

So....were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? Even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain. I would not wish this on anyone....but did you get a sense of how life-changing it is? Imagine you feeling this way 24/7; not even getting a moments relief from it! 

Now, go on and put in your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music.....go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch him smile, smell the scent that you know is them and please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding onto this. I know that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven't lost a beloved child of yours...... you haven't got a clue.

When you hear these words "the presence of his absence is everywhere".... will you finally understand? 

Didn't mean to ask too much of you. Believe it or not. I could write dozens of other things for you to imagine. Fortunately for you, it's only an exercise. But I live it every day. IF you have had the guts to stick it out to here.....remember; this was just a little exercise. I don't think you will be so quick to utter those words now. 

Not if you really did imagine. 

~by Alan Carnahan, grieving father

~via Carol Whisenant Rowe, grieving mother

Tuesday's Trust - Trusting God to Give Me Discernment in Dealing with Toxic People

Tuesday's Trust

Trusting God to Give Me

Discernment

in Dealing with Toxic People

External validation about the reality of a traumatic experience in a safe and supportive context is a vital aspect of preventing and treating posttraumatic stress. However, the creation of such a context for recovery can become very complicated when the psychological needs of victims and the needs of their social network conflict.

~van der Kolk

When family members are too immature emotionally to deal with the devastation of a family member's child-loss, they may start to feel guilty that of all times that a person would most need them, they cannot be there for that family member in pain at all due to their own emotional deficits. But since they are emotionally immature, they also can't "contain" such difficult feelings of guilt and grapple with them as a healthy person would, so what do they do? They TURN on the victim, deciding to scapegoat them and blame them for their own devastation and loss thinking they must surely have done something to bring all this demise upon themselves! (As if we child-loss grievers have ANYTHING to do with this horrific devastation that has been dropped in our laps!!!)

Traumas provoke emotional reactions in proportion to the degree of threat and horror accompanying them. One way of dealing with these intense emotions is to look for scapegoats who can be held responsible for the tragic event. Family members and other sources of social support can be so horrified at being reminded of the fact that they, too, can be struck by tragedies beyond their control that they start shunning the victims and blame them for what has happened--a phenomenon that has been called "the second injury."

Many trauma survivors' testimonies indicate that not being supported by the people they counted on, and being blamed for bringing horrendous experiences upon themselves, have left deeper scars than the original trauma itself.

~Lifton

~~~

The ability to tolerate the plight of victims is, in part, a function of how well people have dealt w/their own misfortunes.

~van der Kolk

Here's a clue. I have always known certain family members have not faced the hurts from childhood. And because of that, I have known they often become their own worst enemies. But they can't tolerate my plight because they cannot have love and mercy and comfort on their own poor hurt selves. As one family member says, "We just take it" when there are hurtful things going on, in my opinion being so cruel to themselves in that way. And they think they do "just take it" ("it" being rage, emotional abuse, or disrespect) in order to "love." That's not love; that's cowardice and not trusting that the other parties involved can take the hurt, facing up to their own hurtful behavior, in order for relationships to heal. And yet certain family members just keep taking the pain and not speaking up, so the others don't even know they are causing any pain.

When they've confronted the reality of their own hurt and suffering and accepted their own pain, this translates into tolerance, even compassion for others.

~van der Kolk

There is no tolerance. There is no compassion. There is anger that I still think I have needs when these certain family members think I should be "done" by now.

When people deny the impact of their own personal trauma, pretend it wasn't so bad, and make excuses for their abusers, they're likely to identify with the aggressors...

~van der Kolk

Oh yes! These family members indeed have become aggressive and cruel. They can't even see their behavior as abusive. Or if at times, they catch themselves being cruel, they decide that's what I deserve anyway. Unbelievable, until I stop to see -- they made excuses for their abusers, -- they've white-washed it away, -- and now they identify with the aggressors. They have become the aggressors. It is really quite pitiful, so out of necessity,

I must simply avoid them, and pray for them. It truly hurts me that they are callous toward their own hurt hearts and souls, and yet in their doing so, they are becoming hard. And I cannot be around hard.

(These folks steeped in such denial) treat others with the same harshness with which they treat the wounded parts of themselves.

~van der Kolk

Yes, I have seen that ~ when they hurt me deeply, I see they have that same harsh attitude toward their own woundedness too. And so, how will it ever heal for them? It won't at this rate. So they just keep running...building bigger houses, buying newer cars, and going on exotic trips, but none of these things fill that gaping hole inside. No matter how big, how new, nor how exotic.

Identification with the aggressor makes it possible (for those in denial) to bypass empathy for themselves and secondarily for others.

~van der Kolk

Yes. And so to them, I do not exist, not as a vulnerable human being anyway who needs tenderness and compassion.. Or if I do, it seems it is only for them to berate, chastise, control, manipulate, and pull power plays on. Things people do when they're in high school. Surely not in your more "mature" years. But they do. It seems they can only relate to me through manipulations, criticisms, and many other power plays.

Thank You Father. You have exposed the underbelly of the ugly disease. At the very least, I know better how to pray for them...

Picture, thanks to Google Images

Friday's Faith - In Child-Loss Grief... "Should I Falter in My Own Faith..."

Friday's Faith

In Child-Loss Grief... 

"Should I Falter in My Own Faith..."

Dear Friend,

Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time. 

Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. 

Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care. 

Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give. 

Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of Johnny with me. I need to hear them. 

Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds. 

Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words. 

Please don't push me to do things I'm not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery. 

Please don't stop calling me. You might think you're respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment. Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm a different person. 

Please accept me for who I am today. 

Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. 

In return for your loving support I promise that, after I've worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend-because I have learned from the best.

~By "Grieving Mothers," Barbara Karrer

Picture, thanks to "Nancy Atkinson-Heyman's Photos"

Thursday's Therapy - ReConceiving Preconceived Notions About Grief ~Thomas M. Ellis

Thursday's Therapy

ReConceiving Preconceived Notions About Grief

~Thomas M. Ellis

Thomas M. Ellis is a therapist, clinical supervisor, and executive director of the Center for Grief, Loss, and Transition based in Saint Paul, Minnesota:

Death, loss, and grief are realities of life. But few of us feel comfortable openly conversing about these critical life experiences.

Talking about such realities (as Death, Loss, and Grief) is taboo in our society, and many preconceptions shape basic understandings of how the grief process should work.

Many generations of families, cultural traditions, religious and spiritual beliefs, gender expectations, literature, media interpretations, and other influences have given birth to the perceptions we share.

You almost certainly approach the grieving process with some preconceived notions that may inhibit your healing process.

Understanding what you bring to your grief and what may get in the way of your healing may be helpful. Use the following list to help you discover what grief might mean to you and your family.

ReConceptions of Commonly Preconceived Ideas:

• Grief is not about stages you go through and ultimately graduate from. Rather it is a dynamic process of ups and downs, fluctuating with painful and peaceful moments, hours, days, and weeks.

• Grief is not something you get over. Instead it is an experience you must go through directly, taking in all the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that you encounter along the way.

• Grief is not time-limited, nor does time heal all wounds. A common misconception is that you grieve for one year and on the anniversary of the loss you will return to "normal." This concept promotes a sense of failure and concern. In reality, grief demands the time it needs. Healing requires active participation in grieving.

• Everyone does not experience grief in the same manner everyone else does. Grief is unique to each individual and experience. Give yourself permission to be free of others' expectations, and grant that freedom to others to explore and heal in ways that are real to them. Comparing and judging the losses and grieving processes of others is divisive, unproductive.

• Grief cannot be avoided. It waits for you and eventually demands your attention. Approaching grief is often scary, and you may fear that it will upset you and others around you. But the pain is already there, and nothing can make it worse. Denial will not relieve the present anxiety--expression will. The open expression of grief is a challenge in our modern society.

• Children and adults do not experience and express grief in the same ways. Children tend to grieve in small doses, followed by periods of play and distraction. They do not always have the information and words to express themselves. But yes, they are grieving.

• Grief may isolate you from family and friends. Keeping it private and personal doesn't make it go away.

• At times, people who are grieving may feel like having fun or laughing. You may need this. Fear of being judged or of piling on more guilt may prevent this. It's okay to take breaks from the exhausting work of grief.

~Thomas M. Ellis

This Thing Called Grief: New Understandings of Loss

Pictures, thanks to Grieving Mothers, and Remembering Homicide Victims