Tuesday's Trust - Who Can You Trust?

~via Grieving Mother, Jill Compton

Tuesday's Trust 

Who Can You Trust?

Who knew a world-wide-web would be conducive to one-on-one intimacy? About a year into my grief, I heard Elizabeth Edwards say that the key to her surviving the loss of her child was her online friends; and I remember thinking to myself, 

"Here this woman's husband is running for the presidency of the United States and she couldn't find any friends around her to support her in her grief????"

Little did I know, it doesn't matter how many friends and family you have around you, none but the child-loss grievers will have a clue how to help you, (at least after the first week, maybe even up to the first month, and possibly for the first year). Now I find that I too am like Elizabeth Edwards:

I have more of a sense of these sisters-of-the-heart who have lost a child being my "family" than my own sisters and family and friends who just don't "get it." I should say, they do not, cannot, and will not "get it," and therefore they are no longer safe people for me.

Sisters, family, and friends want me back as I "was," and I cannot deliver! As much as I would love to, I cannot return to a world-as-it-once-was as that world did not have to deal with my Having Lost My Baby!!! Acceptance of the unacceptable now has to be a part of my healing, and that makes all the difference in the world in my life now.

~via "Silly Stupid Statuses & Stuff 24/7"

So, I find myself, too, like Elizabeth Edwards, seeking refuge through the internet to have my daily devastating pain touched by other grieving mothers who know, r-e-a-l-l-y  k-n-o-w, the depths of my pain.

It seems I can trust interacting with other grieving mothers via the internet more than I can anywhere else. 

~via Grieving Mother, Jill Compton

Even going to Compassionate Friends meetings, it seems I cannot manage my traumatization level as well, being up-close-and-personal to everyone-in-the-room's pain once-a-month as I can navigating through what I can and can't handle on any given day on the internet. My grief seems to need daily comfort but also a wide variety of support. Any one group of people may not be where I am in my grief, but it seems on the internet, I can safely run across that specific comfort that I may need at the time. If I need affirmations, I know where to go. If I need music to help penetrate the depths of my pain, I know where to go. If I need interpersonal connection, I know where to find it. If I cannot handle the depths of someone else's pain on any given day, I know I can go back on another day and reach out to them, and they to me.

The rain falls merciless from the sky, 

is it because my angel cries?

The thunder echoes my broken heart,

wishing my baby (were) in my arms.

The flood of grief is sometimes (too) deep,

my faith in peace is hard to keep.

The darkness (envelops) my soul,

without her I am not whole.

Clouds surround me everyday,

keeping the light from the sun away. 

I need the warmth on my skin, 

to feel human again.

~Vandy Gibson

~via "Grieving Mothers"

Reaching out via the internet seems to minimize the risk of secondary trauma. I seek refuge there because it is safe whereas reaching out to family or friends, wittingly or unwittingly, they often slip and say a caustic word that sends me plummeting and bringing further injury to my heart and our relationship.

There is no complete healing this side of Heaven, but there is a learning to navigate through my pain by attaining the proper support I need on any given day as I work through the many dimensions of my grief.

Who knew you could be the most intimate on such a "public highway" as the internet to touch the depths of one's pain?!

~via Grieving Father, Tom Zuba