Wednesday's Woe - Is It Asking Too Much...?

Wednesday's Woe

Is It Asking Too Much...?

We are grieving over the loss of our child.

We are grieving over something we didn't ask for. Then is it too much to ask ~ for a little understanding?

A little understanding...from our families?

A little understanding...from our friends?

A little understanding...from our churches?

A little understanding...from our employers?

A little understanding...from our colleagues?

To better help you understand,

Do you not understand that the loss of my child broke my heart ~ forever until I see her again?

Do you not know that the trauma of losing my child...

damaged my brain?

affected my confidence?

impaired my memory?

made me accident-prone?

compromised my immune system?

Emotionally, I feel like I am walking around with no skin on.

Did you know that if I detect toxicity in another person, it will send me running in the opposite direction?

Did you know that when my phone rings, I cannot answer?

Did you know that when I am invited to a party, I cannot attend? I cannot even respond to tell you that I cannot attend.

Did you know that I cannot be around crowds?

Do you realize that I'm doing the best that I can with something I will never find peace with, this side of Heaven?

So please, is it too much to ask ~ for a little understanding?

Pictures, thanks to FotoSearch

Thursday's Therapy - 25 Major Behavioral Reactions After Your Child's Traumatic Death ~by Therese A. Rando, Part Five

Thursday's Therapy

25 Major Behavioral Reactions After

Your Child's Traumatic Death

~by Therese A. Rando, Part Five

As we discussed before, grief affects us on so many levels. I always knew Child-Loss would be tantamount to one's life being "over," but I had no idea how "over" it could be! At least in terms of how debilitating Child-Loss Grief can be, on so many levels, and so many dimensions of each level, I had no idea!

Three weeks ago, we talked about the psychological impact of the Child-Loss grief in which we find ourselves. Last week, we talked about its cognitive impact. This week, we will address our child's death's Behavioral impact on us child-loss grievers.

25 Major Reactions Behaviorally After Your Child's Traumatic Death:

1. Searching behavior to recover your lost child
2. Restlessness, hyperactivity, inability to rest or be calm, agitation, easily startled, "jumpy," foot/leg shaking, teeth grinding, finger drumming, being "on guard" with a heightened awareness of your surroundings
3. Hypervigilance
4. Social withdrawal or isolation
5. Disorganized activity, absent-minded behavior, erratic behavior
6. Hypomanic behavior
7. Searching for something to do
8. Increased intake of medicine and/or psychoactive substances (such as drugs, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, inhalants)
9. Loss of or changes in usual patterns of activity
10. Distractibility
11. I forgot what I was going to say...oh yeah, Crying and tearfulness
12. Anorexia or appetite disturbance leading to weight loss or gain
13. Sleep disturbance (too little, too much, interrupted)
14. Nightmares
15. Diminished self care
16. Tendency to sigh
17. Decreased effectiveness and productivity in Personal, Social, or Work situations
18. Avoidance of or clinging to people, places, situations, activities, stimuli, or things that remind you of the loved one, the death, events associated with it, and/or other painful reactions to the loss
19. Self-destructive behaviors (for example, accident-prone behavior or high-risk behavior such as fast driving, gambling, indiscriminate sexual activity)
20. Acting out, impulsive, addictive, immoderate, or compulsive behaviors (associated with such things as substance use, gambling, sexual activity, working, eating, shopping/spending money, exercising, procrastinating, internet use, risk-taking)
21. Increase or decrease in sexual activity
22. Change in lifestyle
23. Hiding grief for fear of driving others away
24. Dependency, clinging behavior, avoidance of being alone
25. And we would add: Regression to any old bad habits one once had. Though regression is likely to happen, one may need to aggressively attend to the problems to be sure they do not take hold. Just be aware your body is under more stress than usual, and it is easy to fall back into bad patterns.

~Rando, 2011 (In Press)

Image thanks to @Lilly Ann

Content from July 9 and 10 Lectures by Therese A. Rando in Chattanooga, Tennessee, Also to be published in 2011

Wednesday's Woe - More Mine-Fields and Grief Bombs ~by Tommy and Angie Prince

Wednesday's Woe

More Mine-Fields and Grief Bombs

~by Tommy and Angie Prince

We have a good friend (more like an angel dropped out of the sky because of the way he has continually helped us amidst our child-loss grief). This friend is also a child-loss griever.

He is a veteran of the Vietnam War. Despite fighting behind enemy lines, he made it home safely only to lose his baby brother and his brother's newly-wed bride to a drunk driver.

This sudden and violent loss of such a close loved one ripped him up and essentially dredged up all the war traumas and losses to a debilitating degree affecting his ability to cope and to maintain close family relationships.

Then just six years ago, our friend lost his only son to cancer...

When Tommy talked to him just yesterday, our friend exclaimed,

"Everyday life triggers me with memories of my son.

Even watching television triggers me...

And I'm (at a stage where) I'm just remembering the good times!"

*****

Tommy:

Because of the cortisol stress hormone of chid-loss grief, a simple thing like somebody pulling out in front of me sets me off.

I find myself going into a momentary rage where I end up just dog-cussing the person.

And I then engage in a little self-talk to calm myself down by saying,

"Boy, you really have the love of Jesus in your heart today!"

But I remember it was someone else's extreme carelessness and recklessness that killed Merry Katherine...

And this person's extreme carelessness came close to causing him to crash into the front of my truck, and I came out with all these expletives...

It becomes a situation, whether inside or outside of your home, the world is not a safe place.

*****

Angie:

Last night I needed a good night's sleep as I had clients today, but after just four hours of sleep, I awaken, wide-awake, from a nightmare in which Tommy is chastising me for doing everything wrong during many of our years of marriage...It was totally out of character for him to yell at me, or "gunny sack" me with years of back-logged grievances he's never discussed with me, and I was trying so hard to make sense of all he was saying, all-the-while just being undone that I had inadvertently hurt him. Like I said, I KNEW this was totally out of character for him, but the dream/nightmare was so REAL, and I felt like a complete failure.

So I abruptly awaken, and I realize the absurdity of my dream... and yet, it seems so real.

My own psyche is attacking me!

Even in my conscious, awakened state, I find myself being extremely hard on myself, almost petrified that I might inadvertently hurt someone to the degree that I find myself hurting over my baby girl.

(I don't think that is possible, short of their going through what I am going through, but this fear is not rational. I KNOW it is neurotic, but it almost paralyzes me at times.) This second-guessing myself, in itself feels debilitating, re-traumatizing myself! So, to get a double dose of it in my sleep was mind-boggling.

Nobody ever told me there would be "Cortisol Attacks" in my child-loss grief!

What is happening? WHY am I turning on myself?

Is It Because I Couldn't Stop My Baby Girl From Sure Destruction?

I have no other explanation than that.

http://www.gizmag.com/microwave-land-mine-detection-system/15463/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demining

http://www.airlandsea.info/2008/10/german-mine-detectors-wip.html

Wednesday's Woe - Spent

Wednesday's Woe

Spent

We are wiped out. Like my dog Prissy, I am spent.

It is July. Anniversary date, plus. Our child was gone from our house for most of June and the whole month of July, then was killed on August 2nd. So June and July, we are reliving the trauma of "losing her" before we lost her.

As August approaches, we are reliving the trauma of the sudden, violent, and mutilating death of our only daughter. Our cortisol (stress hormone) is running rampant. Current stressors are moving in on us...emotional meltdowns, spiritual meltdowns, family dilemmas such as my mother's threatening physical condition —

My care-taking abilities are almost non-existent, but people need me...

While I'm having these meltdowns, one brother comes close to having a heart attack and has had to have stents put around his heart. I cannot contact him.

My handicapped brother texts me; I cannot even respond.

My sisters call me, "We need you to come to Georgia to take care of Mother." I am not even sure I can take care of me, much less my precious ailing mother, so I cannot call them back right away.

My client calls with a situation very close to this nightmare we are living, and I cannot return her call.

"But it's been almost four years..." some would say...

Thank goodness last weekend, at the Grief and Trauma Conference, I heard the psychologist-specialist in Grief and Trauma say that

Child-Loss grief is intense for the first 5 to 7 years...

and then our grief still will go on for a life-time, but not at as intense a level...

But the general public does not know this...

But my family does not know this...

But my clients do not know this...

I only know it because I am living it, but until I heard the Trauma expert, I sort of thought I must be a little crazy, or that something must be wrong with me that child-loss is so debilitating to me. Little did I know

Debilitating Complicated Mourning that spans many years is the norm for my Child-Loss Grief.

Will someone please tell this to the world?

Picture~mine

Thursday’s Therapy - Help! I'm being bullied.

Thursday’s Therapy

Help! I’m being bullied.

When we are in the throes of grief and trauma, it is so easy for us to be victimized. We are raw; we are vulnerable. Our defenses have been ravaged. Our world has crashed. Our hearts are broken. Life as we knew it has ended. A precious one, near and dear to our hearts has been taken.

We cannot “recover”; the loss was out of our control. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other—but much more slowly than ever before. We do not know who we are now. We are trying to find our way. Our spiritual foundation, upon which rests all of our life’s meaning, has been disheveled, contorted, messed with. The most sacred to us as parents—our child’s life—has been destroyed, decimated, demolished. Our perception of the most sacred to our spiritual soul—our God—has been tampered with at the very time we need His image to be most intact.

Enter, the bully. Always looking for a target—“who can I destroy today to feed the ravaging monster inside me so I can feel alive again, vital, superior, on top? And who is the easiest victim? The shot down, the weak, the fumbling, the confused, the grieving. Easy target. Easy conquest. Easy notch on my belt for the day.”

And, being pre-occupied with grief, distracted, almost paralyzed, we grieving parents often unwittingly step right into the trap set for us. After falling into the bully’s trap, it is time to regroup. It is time to reassess the people we have allowed into our vulnerable world. I have characterized our griever’s dilemma as,

“It’s like we grievers of child-loss are

walking around with no skin on,

yet what is exposed is deeper than that—

it’s our raw heart.”

We must protect our hearts from toxicity and from toxic people to avoid further complications!

Some recommended books for dealing with bullies and protecting our vulnerable world by maintaining healthy boundaries, only allowing "safe" people in, are:

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1996).

Who’s Pushing Your Buttons: Handling the Difficult People in Your Life by John Townsend. Brentwood, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2004.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1991.

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier. Harper, 1998.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. Bantam, 2002.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans. Adams Media, 2003.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Berkley Trade, 2003.

Picture: http://bit.ly/giMNM

Wednesday's Woe - Grief and Trauma Overwhelms

Grief & trauma overwhelms & energy is often depleted~

Keeping a head above the water can be a struggle...

~Danielle Helms

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Please click the link below, and watch the video.
(If you are not already my Facebook Friend, I would love to have you join me!)

Get some tissues; you may cry - I did...all the way through it! So touching and precious.

http://www.facebook.com/p.php?i=1276806040&k=Z4BZQ5Q2Q5TFWBMIQBY4Y5PQVQJAX22E&oid=1256075279362

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Grief Is Like Despair, Sucking Our World of All Its Air

(Jesus) will reply,

"Whatever you did not do for one of the least of these,

you did not do for Me."

Matthew 25:45

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”

Charles Dickens

Help me Lord to faithful be

To open the eyes of the blind, to help them see—

Oppress-ed souls bowed down with grief

Blinded by pain, burdened down with hurt, finding no relief—

Father, Grief is like despair,

sucking our world of all its air,

It’s so hard to breathe:

Gloom so heavy sits upon our souls—we cannot function with no reprieve.

Come Lord Jesus, send Your compassion raining down,

Refreshing our soul, soothing our frown.

Draw closer into Your bosom our grieving, bleeding hearts—

To breathe in the comfort Your sweet Love imparts;

Seal the many gaping holes of our Death-ravaged hearts,

Pierced through repeatedly with Satan’s poison-laced darts.

Anxiety overtakes us in Death’s dark wake

As we see visions of violence our loved ones did partake

On the night of their death-watch, their bodies were left—

Bereft . . .

As their precious bodies, their spirits were forced to

Forsake.

Our bodies too are restless—from so many nightmares we awake

As we’ve been thrown into the harsh realities of this sin-riddled world

That ravaged and destroyed our precious boy or girl—

Our souls are sent reeling, pulled under into Death’s down-sucking eddy

Where no relief seems possible as our souls sink

Further

And

Further

Under

Grief’s

Drowning

Lead.

Folks say—But life goes on. . .

But we say—Oh yeah? How?

As our souls drop deeper and drift out farther

Sucked out into Death’s deep, darkened water

As if trapped in a runaway, sinking ship,

Our souls clutched in its death-hold grip

In Grief’s cold, stark bow,

Dragged further and further from shore, our anchor finds no bottom now.

Lord, we’ll go completely under unless Your Spirit rescues us—now.

Save us

in the clutch

of Your Death-defying,

Life-restoring

Spirit—

Come, Lord Jesus, some way, somehow,

..Save us.............................................................Now.

.........From......................................................Lord

.................... Sorrow’s...........................Please

.............................Seemingly Bottomless Waters

http://twitpic.com/ebsxy Picture by Danielle Helms, Fellow Grieving Mother and Friend

Poem - Grief Is Like Despair, Sucking Our World of All Its Air - Written 7/15/08 - Angie Bennett Prince