Wednesday's Woe - The Train Wreck of Our Grief

Wednesday's Woe

The Train Wreck of Our Grief

I dreamed this morning of my little girl, about 4-years-old in the dream, on vacation with us, wanting to wear her princess gown to play with her friends... 

But as I was unpacking it for her to wear, she ran out onto the hotel's patio, and jumped over, holding onto the railing. 

As I stiffened my body bracing it against the railing for strength, I carefully yet fearfully reached over to hopefully pull her up to safety, 

but...

she let go... 

and fell the long distance to the ground. 

As my heart was panicking that she would be hurt, I awakened...

Does the terror ever stop...?

I know the ever trying to save continues...

As our lives seem ever to be in limbo after losing our child, I thought this morning... 

It seems when I lost you, I not only lost you,

I lost me too...

...For I still seem to live in Limbo-Land.

And yet...

Charles Spurgeon captures the devastation of our loss amidst the tender love of our Lord so well in his quote. It seems that despite the worst that has happened, somehow God intervenes as only His Love can do...

“I bear my witness that the worst days I have ever had have turned out to be my best days. And when God has seemed most cruel to me He has then been most kind. If there is anything in this world for which I would bless him more than for anything else it is for pain and affliction. I am sure that in these things the richest tenderest love has been manifested to me. Our Father's wagons rumble most heavily when they are bringing us the richest freight of the bullion of his grace. Love letters from heaven are often sent in black-edged envelopes. The cloud that is black with horror is big with mercy. Fear not the storm. It brings healing in its wings and when Jesus is with you in the vessel the tempest only hastens the ship to its desired haven.” 

― Charles H. Spurgeon

And his following quote rings so true...

“The Lord's mercy often rides to the door of our hearts on the black horse of affliction. Jesus uses the whole range of our experiences to wean us from earth and woo us to Heaven.”

― Charles H. Spurgeon, All of Grace

Quotes from Charles H. Spurgeon, thanks to GoodReads.com

Wednesday's Woe - Terrorized

Wednesday's Woe

Terrorized

I dreamed I fell into a trap door--into subterranean terrors.

~Hoyt Hickman

Last night, I was talking to Tommy about a detail of Merry Katherine's death. This detail had been described to me by phone about six months after the crash by the Assistant Chief of Police of Fort Payne, Alabama. The Assistant Chief had helped to handle the horrific crash site the night Merry Katherine was killed. I could have sworn I had told Tommy all the details I had learned, but the mind can only absorb so much...

As soon as I said the words last night, I saw Tommy's face crash in upon itself. Stunned, I realized he did not know this particular fact that had so many painful implications.

I said, "You didn't know this, did you?"

He nodded his head in acknowledgement even as the tears pooled in his eyes.

I said, "I'm sorry."

Almost 3 1/2 years later, and a new discovery of one of the horrific details of our baby's death is made. We have said many times over the months and years since her death, and we said it again last night,

"We are still being terrorized..."

Death is a horrible thing. To have it happen to your cherished baby girl whom you've spent her whole life hovering over, nurturing, and protecting is absolutely one of the most devastating terrors a person can feel.

Now, 3 1/2 years later, we continue to say,

We are still being

Terrorized...

photo: http://www.fotosearch.com/photos-images/terror.html

Quote from Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman.