Thursday's Therapy - A Call to Lament - Part Three ~Nicholas Wolterstorff ~Blessed Thanksgiving

Thursday's Therapy

A Call to Lament

Part Three

~Nicholas Wolterstorff

Have a Blessed Thanksgiving!

If God Is Good and Sovereign, Why Lament?

Praise and lament --- two components of the Christian life. There are more, of course, many more. Repentance, for example. But at least these two: praise and lament.

Or is that true? Are both of these really parts of the Christian life? No one doubts that praise of God is part of the Christian life. There may be times in our lives when we find it difficult to praise God, yet no believer doubts that praise is a component within the well-formed Christian life. But what about lament? 

No doubt most Christians, if asked, would say that lament is part of the well-formed Christian life. We all know that there are laments in the Psalms; we all sing them, or participate in their reading. So it would not feel right to say, flat out, that lament has no place in the Christian life. 

But it's open to question whether we all really believe it. The "victorious living" mentality currently sweeping through American Christianity has no place for lament. Likewise the megachurches have no place for it. Lament does not market well.

If one goes beyond the words and looks at contemporary American Christianity as it actually exists---looks at how it lives its life and expresses its faith---one comes to the conclusion that most of it does not believe that lament is part of the Christian life. This is in spite of what it may think is the catechetically correct answer to give if directly asked whether it is. 

What is lament?

We must start by considering what lament is. I shall take the biblical laments, particularly the laments of the psalms, as my paradigms. Psalm 22 is a particularly good example, since all the basic elements are there: some of the other lament psalms are truncated. 

The lament, at its heart, is giving voice to the suffering that accompanies deep loss, whatever that loss may be. Lament is not about suffering. Lament is not concerning suffering. Lament does not count the stages and try to identify the stage in which one finds oneself.  

Lament is the bringing to speech of suffering, the languaging of suffering, the voicing of suffering. Behind lament are tears over loss. Lament goes beyond the tears to voicing the suffering. To voice suffering, one must name it---identify it. 

Sometimes that is difficult, even impossible. The memories are repressed so that the suffering is screened from view. Or one is aware of it, in a way; but naming it, identifying it for what it is, would be too painful, too embarrassing. So, one resists. Then one cannot lament. One suffers without being able to lament. Lament is an achievement. 

One must not only name one's suffering if one is to voice it; one must also own it. Instead of disowning it one has to admit it as part of who one is---a part of one's narrative identity. If someone asks, "Tell me who you are," one says, maybe not immediately but eventually,

"I am someone who went through a painful divorce,"

"I am someone who suffered the loss of a child,"

"I am someone who was fired after twenty years of faithful work." 

To disown one's suffering is to try to delete it from one's narrative or prevent it from ever becoming a part---to try to forget it, put it behind one, get on with things. Lament, in requiring that one voice one's suffering, requires that one not only name it but own it. Owning one's suffering is often difficult: it is painful or embarrassing to incorporate one's suffering into one's life story. 

………Listen now to the psalmist:

………But I am a worm and no man;

………….scorned by men and despised by the people.

………All who see me mock at me, 

………….they make mouths at me, they wag their heads;

………He committed his cause to the Lord; let him deliver him,

………….let him rescue him, for he delights in him!"

(Psalm 22:6-8,  RSV)

………I am poured out like water, 

………….and all my bones are out of joint;

………my heart is like wax,

………….it is melted within my breast;

………my strength is dried up like a potsherd,

………….and my tongue cleaves to my jaw;

………….thou dost lay me in the dust of death.

………Yea, dogs are round about me;

………….a company of evil doers encircle me;

………….they have pierced my hands and feet---

………I can count all my bones---

………….they stare and gloat over me;

………they divide my garments among them,

………….and for my raiment they cast lots.

(Psalm 22:14-18 , RSV)

Lament is more, though, than the voicing of suffering. The mere voicing of one's suffering is complaint, not lament. Lament is a cry to God. This presupposes, of course, that lament is the action of a believer. 

This cry to God has two main components, interconnected, with sometimes the one more prominent, sometimes the other. First, lament is the cry to God for deliverance: "Deliver me O God, from this suffering." Listen again to the psalmist:

………But thou, O LORD, be not far off!

………….O my help, hasten to my aid!

………Deliver my soul from the sword,

………….my life from the power of the dog!

………Save me from the mouth of the lion.

(Psalm 22:19-21a, RSV)

Second, lament is the cry to God of "Why?" "Why, O God, is this happening? I don't understand it. Where are you, O God? I cannot discern your hand in this darkness." 

………My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

………….Why are you so far from helping me, from the words

………….of my groaning?

………O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer;

………….and by night, but find no rest.

(Psalm 22:1-2, NRSV)

………Rouse yourself! Why do you sleep, O LORD? 

………….Awake! Do not cast us off forever!

………Why do you hide your face?

………….Why do you forget our affliction and oppression?

………For we sink down to the dust;

………….our bodies cling to the ground.

………Rise up, come to our help.

………….Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love.

(Psalm 44:23-26, NRSV)

Loss, deep loss, is the shattering of meaning. The shattering of meaning at one point in one's life has rippling consequences throughout one's life; one's life as a whole threatens to lose its sense.  

For the believer, the meaning of life is tied up with her experience and understanding of God. Now, suddenly, there is a rip in her whole fabric of meaning. So the believer cries to God---who else to cry to?---not only for deliverance from suffering but also deliverance from the threat of meaninglessness.  

"Why, O God? Why is this happening? What sense does this make? We thought you were good, powerful, and knowledgeable. We thought we understood your ways. But of this, we can make no sense. Why is this happening? Where are you, O God? Why are you absent?"

………In the full-fledged lament there is one more component: a yet. The yet is an expression of the endurance of faith, or somewhat more precisely, the yet is a praise-full accounting of God's actions in the past---an accounting, thus, of the grounds of faith. Yet I will praise You. Sometimes the yet is not only retrospective but prospective. Not only have I praised you for what have been  the signs of your goodness; I will again praise you again for the goodness you will again show. 

………Yet you are holy, 

………….enthroned on the praises of Israel.

………In you our ancestors trusted; 

………….they trusted, and you delivered them.

………To you they cried, and were saved;

………….in you they trusted, and were not put to shame.

………Yet it was you who took me from the womb;

………….you kept me safe on my mother's breast.

………On you was I cast from my birth,

………….and since my mother bore me you have been my God.

………Do not be far from me,

………….for trouble is near

………….and there is no one to help.

(Psalm 22:3-5, 9-11 NRSV)

Thursday's Therapy - Blessed Thanksgiving! Balancing "The Grief You Have and The Gift You Had"…

Thursday's Therapy

Blessed Thanksgiving!

The Grief and The Gift

When your child dies, the immensity of still being alive strikes at your core. Your focus shifts back and forth between

the grief you have and the gift you had.

~Writer and Grieving-Father, Linton Weeks

We are so thankful that we were blessed to have nineteen wonderful years with our precious daughter who entered this world in an adventurous streak with never a dull moment left behind. She has changed us in so many beautiful ways that will last us for an eternity. She challenged us in ways that forced us to stretch higher and grow deeper. She encouraged us with wisdom that was beyond her years. And she demonstrated a love for others and a servant's heart before those she loved that both ministered to our parent-hearts and stirred these hearts to take greater risks for love.

Our Grief and Trauma over the loss of our precious Merry Katherine have been an absolute bear for us to grapple with over these past five years. Even as trained psychotherapists, we have been blown away by the toll that such loss takes on a child-loss parent's life. We can attest that very few professionals in the helping field are up-to-speed in helping you with your child-loss grief and trauma in their therapist's office because WE ARE trained therapists, and we are still learning by leaps and bounds what is called for in this arduous journey of grief and we know that we have tons more to learn still.

But we are so thankful for all that we are learning about how the mind, body, emotions, soul, and spirit bear up under the grief and trauma of Child-Loss. We are learning "as fast as we can" what we can do for ourselves to facilitate our own healing amidst our painful journey. As counselors and coaches, we also wanted to share the gift of our child by sharing-as-we-learn about some of these healthy ways to grieve our child with other child-loss parents who, like us, also are devastated by the excruciating loss of their own child.

Tommy and I would love for you to share with us and our blog readers some of the ways in which you have been able, in the words of writer and grieving father Linton Weeks, "to grieve your child and gift our world" by "creating meaning from mourning" in your precious child's memory. Please feel free to write a comment to share with us!

What are some ways you are "creating meaning from mourning" in your deep child-loss grief?

We join together with you this Thanksgiving Day in counting our blessings...

which includes celebrating the life of our precious child even as we continue to grieve her...

Thanksgiving graphic, thanks to http://www.profilebrand.com/graphics/

Quote, via writer and grieving father Linton Weeks in his N.P.R. article, "Deep Grief: Creating Meaning from Mourning"

Blessed Thanksgiving - Under Your Wings / "The Prayer" ~Celtic Woman

Blessed Thanksgiving

Under Your Wings

~

"The Prayer" ~Celtic Woman

Under Your Wings...

My child who rests under Your wings,

Lifts her voice to You and sings ~

God who longs to gather us near,

Hold us close, and catch each tear ~

Surrounded by Your love each day,

We walk in peace midst grief's way.

May we too rest under Your wings

Like Your fragile bird who sings

Despite the cold, amidst the storm,

Knowing You're there to keep him warm.

Keep our hearts at rest in Thee.

Within grief's glow, Your face we'll see,

E'en as our child looks up at Thee...

*****

"The Prayer"

~Celtic Woman

I pray You'll be our eyes

And watch us where we go--

And help us to be wise

In times when we don't know...

Let this be our prayer

As we go our way:

Lead us to a place,

Guide us with Your grace,

To a place where we'll be safe.

I pray we'll find Your light

And hold it in our hearts;

When stars go out each night,

Remind us where You are.

Let this be our prayer

When shadows fill our day:

Lead us to a place,

Guide us with Your grace,

Give us faith so we'll be safe.

(Interlude)

We ask that life be kind

And watch us from above;

We hope each soul will find

Another soul to love...

Let this be our prayer:

Just like every child

Needs to find a place

Guide us with Your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe.

Need to find a place,

Guide us with Your grace,

Give us faith so we'll be safe.

*****

He who dwells in the shelter

of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of

the Almighty...

He will cover you with His

feathers,

and under His wings you

will find refuge...

~Psalm 91:1,4a

I call on You, O God, for

You will answer me;

give ear to me and hear

my prayer.

Show the wonder of Your

great love,

You who save by Your right

hand

those who take refuge in

You from their foes.

Keep me as the apple of

Your eye;

hide me in the shadow of

Your wings...

~Psalm 17:6-8

How priceless is Your

unfailing love!

Both high and low among

men

find refuge in the shadow

of Your wings.

They feast on the abundance

of Your house;

You give them drink from

Your river of delights.

For with You is the fountain

of life;

in Your light we see

light.

~Psalm 36:7-9

Have mercy on me, O God,

have mercy on me,

for in You my soul takes

refuge.

I will take refuge in the

shadow of Your wings

until the disaster has

passed.

I cry out to God Most High,

to God, who fulfills His

purpose for me.

He sends from heaven and

saves me...

~Psalm 57:1-3a

Hear my cry, O God;

listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I

call to You,

I call as my heart grows

faint;

lead me to the rock that is

higher than I.

For You have been my

refuge,

a strong tower against the

foe.

I long to dwell in Your tent

forever

and take refuge in the

shelter of Your wings.

Selah.

~Psalm 61:1-4

O God, You are my God,

earnestly I seek You;

my soul thirsts for You,

my body longs for You,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen You in the

sanctuary

and beheld Your power

and Your glory.

Because Your love is better

than life,

my lips will glorify You.

I will praise You as long as I

live,

and in Your name I will lift

up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as

with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth

will praise You.

On my bed I remember You;

I think of You through the

watches of the night.

Because You are my help,

I sing in the shadow of

Your wings.

I stay close to You;

Your right hand upholds

me.

~Psalm 63:1-8

Picture: http://angelos-gabriyel.xanga.com/687367996/rest-in-the-shadow-of-his-wings/

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQ928V55S5U&feature=rec-LGOUT-real_rev-rn-1r-2-HM

Poem - Under Your Wings - Angie Bennett Prince - 11/22/10

All scriptures are from the New International Version of the Holy Bible