Tuesday's Trust - To Civilians of the Child-Loss Grief War: "Please Trust the Healing Process!"

Trust the Great Physician -

Child-Loss Grief is Like Massive Open-Heart Surgery

~Its Healing Takes Time!

Tuesday's Trust

A Word to "Civilians" of the Child-Loss Grief War:

"Please, Trust the Healing Process!"

Tommy and I had a "spiritual meltdown" last night...he with words, I with tears. And this was just after an "emotional meltdown" just several days before! Mourning our baby girl is so incredibly painful.

We are literally in a "Grief War." No one in the civilian world could possibly "get it," in terms of the massive devastation that child-loss grief wreaks on the parents.

In describing Child-Loss Grief (which in-and-of-itself leads to "Complicated Mourning" as the norm for its long-term healing process), Therese Rando, Ph.D. describes the multiple dimensions of such Complicated Mourning:

The Multi-Dimensions of Child-Loss Grief

Grief: reaction or response to loss; includes

• physical,
• social,
• emotional,
• intellectual, and
• spiritual dimensions.

Therese Rando, Complicated Mourning, p. 22.

Child-Loss Grief causes Complicated Mourning, which is like having

• Open-Body Surgery,
• Open-Soul-Surgery,
• Open-Heart Surgery,
• Open-Brain Surgery, and
• Open-Spirit Surgery,

all at the same time.

Warning:

It is messy.

It is painful.

It is long-term.

And it ain't pretty.

But when we are about to come out of "surgery" to go into the recovery room for our long-term recovery, it's like we have a bunch of "Civilians," (many of whom are even Christians) lining the hall shouting out pejoratively,

"Don't go in that Recovery Room -- Recover from what?!

"You have God! Don't go into Long-Term Recovery...!

"Since you have God, if you take 'time to Recover,' don't you know that will make God look bad?!"

To which I say,

Stand back Civilians! God is the Great Physician, and He knows what He is doing!

All I ask of Civilians out there is that you trust Him to do His work, in His way, and in His time.

And please have some respect for us who are enduring this long, hard, painful process...

Civilians simply have no idea of the massive healing process that needs to take place as we are allowed to do our deep mourning... When you encounter a Child-Loss Griever, Civilians, please don't forget that

Christ Himself said He came...

• to bind-up the broken-hearted,
• to comfort all who mourn, and
• provide for those who grieve...
• to bestow on us
• a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
• the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and
• a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

He says that we will be called

• oaks of righteousness,
• a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

All who see us will acknowledge that we are a people the Lord has blessed!

~paraphrase of Scriptures within Isaiah 61:1-9 which apply to us mourners

(See Luke 4:17-21 in which Jesus proclaims He has come to fulfill the above scriptures first prophesied in Isaiah 61:1-9.)

Just as God's oaks are not made in a day, a week, a month, or even in a year, neither will our God-given Complicated-Mourning-healing occur in that limited time-frame.

Think about it, Civilians!

You are cruel if you expect us to heal that fast, or if you put any time-frame on our healing process!

Just because our mourning entails a lengthy and painful process, these Civilians seem to align with "Job's friends" in the infamous story of Job...(See the book of Job in the Old Testament), being ever-quick to tell us we are doing it all wrong when they have never even been through such Trauma and Grief themselves!

It seems our mourning is threatening to Civilians. We are entering into a great, long mourning process. Just as Jesus was telling His disciples He was about to endure torturous suffering and death, Peter (one of His disciples) tried to sway Him from going to the cross. When Peter did this, Jesus said,

"Out of my sight Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

~Jesus, in Matthew 16:23

Civilians, you may be trying to relieve us of suffering, but in actuality, you are hindering our healing process! Have a heart of compassion and stand aside while God does His work in us. If you cannot be a kind, comforting friend, then I say to you,

Out of my way!

Do Not interfere with my Lord's work in my body, soul, heart, mind, and spirit!

It is hard enough work cooperating in conjunction with God's healing process. Do not make it worse for me by interfering with my recovery, whatever your motives might be!

You have not gone through the 'Grief War.' You have no idea what you are asking of us when you want a preemptive recovery.

Even the very learned physicians have a Hippocratic oath to guide them in their medical treatment of their patients that warns them,

FIRST, DO NO HARM!

We ask the same of you. Grief and mourning are hard enough in Child-Loss Grief. You have no idea. So Please back off. At the very least you can, like the doctors,

FIRST, DO NO HARM!

Then, back off from pressuring us, and pray for us!

Ask God to give you His strength to "Trust the process."

You can cause us secondary-traumatization by your insensitivities when we are so extremely vulnerable. Please be gracious and merciful, remembering there is so much you do not know about Child-Loss Grief!

And remember,

GOD is the Great Physician, not you! He will take care of us.

Trust Him to do His healing work in us, in His way, and in His time. Please!

Finally, please drop any judgmentalism, and love us as you hopefully love Jesus:

The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for Me."

~Jesus in Matthew 25:40

Jesus even said,

"Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted."

~Matthew 5:4

God heals us Grief-Warriors in body, soul, strength, spirit, heart, and mind...And this healing takes time!

So I ask of you,

Civilians, Please, Trust the Process!

Graphics thanks to http://www.fotosearch.com/clip-art/heart_ and http://www.picturesof.net/pages/090107-235894-200009.html

Thursday's Therapy - Ways We Grieve - Part One

Thursday's Therapy

Ways We Grieve

Part One

The following article is provided on the internet via the Health Library. It provides a summary of some of the many factors with which we are faced when we find ourselves dealing with sudden loss. Mr. Fridman presents Therese Rando's theory of how we grieve called "The Six R's." Rando's theory is just one view of the Ways We Grieve.

Unique Concerns When Grieving for a Sudden Loss

by Sherman M. Fridman, JD

The sudden loss of a loved one can be one of the most painful and difficult things to go through. But, the experts say, there is no one correct way to grieve.

Famed British historian Arnold Toynbee said,

"There are always two parties to a death, the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved...and in the apportionment of suffering, the survivor takes the brunt."

Any loss of a loved one is tragic and painful, but when death occurs from a sudden, unexpected cause such as an accident, natural disaster, suicide or murder, the reactions of the survivors in coping with their grief are more intense and varied than they may be following a death that occurs after a prolonged illness.

An unexpected loss brings with it factors that do not normally exist when death is anticipated. Not only must the survivors cope with feelings of grief, but they often have to cope with intrusion into their mourning by the media or with the vagaries and slowness of the criminal justice system. Other factors adding to the burden of an unexpected death are the lack of an opportunity to say goodbye or to plan for the financial future of the family left behind.

No Time to Prepare

Donald Mossman, PhD, director of graduate studies at Concordia College in Michigan and teacher of a college course on death and dying, identifies another factor, which is often overlooked by sudden loss survivors and their caregivers.

Regardless of the cause, a sudden death deprives the survivors of what Mossman calls anticipatory grief. This is the grief that begins when a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness. It helps prepare the survivor for the coming loss and reduces the intensity of the psychological reaction to the eventual death.

Violent Death

The mind has trouble comprehending sudden, violent death. Deaths involving violence or mutilation engender frightening feelings in the survivors, ranging from terror to anxiety to powerlessness, making them particularly traumatic.

Often the violence of the act resulting in death, arouses strong feelings of hostility in the mourner, causing severe internal conflict leading to guilt, shame, or depression.

Suicide

Family members of someone who has committed suicide also face special burdens. According to Judith M. Stillion, PhD, a professor of psychology at Western Carolina University, many family survivors of suicide have higher levels of guilt, shame, and anger than do survivors of sudden loss from other causes. Persons grieving a loss through suicide are often left with questions, such as why their loved ones killed themselves, and what, if anything, they might have done to prevent the suicide. These questions are often unanswerable and can prolong the process of grieving and coming to grips with the loss.

"Natural" Causes

Heart attacks and strokes are major causes of death in this country, and these deaths are often sudden and unexpected. The sudden loss of a loved one, even from these "natural" causes, can be as unexpected and devastating to the survivors as the death of a loved one from a murder or an accident.

Emotional Challenges

What most, if not all, survivors of sudden loss have in common are a series of emotional challenges, including:

Disruption of family functioning

Redefining of responsibilities and roles within the family

Challenges to the survivors' belief systems

Financial change

Public intrusion into private anguish

Lack of opportunity to say goodbye and resolve other unfinished business with the deceased

Hurt, often inadvertent, caused by the well-intentioned words and actions of other family members and friends

Therese Rando's "The Six Rs"

Therese A. Rando, PhD, is a Rhode Island psychologist specializing in loss and grief counseling. She has identified six mourning processes that survivors of any loss must go through in order to achieve a healthy accommodation of the loss.

However, Rando acknowledges that survivors of sudden loss often have a more difficult time with one or more of the processes, which she identifies as "the six Rs."

These (grief) processes are:

Recognize the loss—Acknowledge that the loss has occurred and understand it.

React to the separation—Survivors should allow themselves to experience the pain and give expression to their feelings of loss.

Recollect and re-experience the deceased and the relationship—However, the recollections should be realistic, both good and not so good.

Relinquish the old attachments of the deceased—This involves the attachments of the deceased, not the survivors' attachment to or feelings for the deceased. For example, just because the deceased's clothes have been donated to charity doesn't mean that all memories have been disposed of as well.

Readjust to move adaptively into the new world—Rando suggests that this be done through survivors adopting new ways of continuing on with their lives while not forgetting their old ones. The Hospice Foundation of America (HFA), says that survivors never fully detach their feelings for the deceased and that grieving should not be looked upon as a means of letting go of the person who has died.

Reinvest—Survivors need to reestablish close personal feelings with the living.

There Is No "Right" Way to Grieve

Survivors need to be patient with themselves. Mourning is an individual process that should be done at the survivor's pace, and not be dictated by friends or family.

Elizabeth K. Carll, PhD, a psychologist specializing in trauma, violence, and family relationships, believes that there is no "cookie cutter" approach to the grieving process.

The Hospice Foundation of America, as well as Dr. Carll, debunk the theory that we slowly and predictably recover from grief.

The HFA calls grief "an uneven process" with no time line.

Dr. Carll emphasizes that the circumstances of the loss as well as anniversary dates of the loss are significant for the survivors and should be acknowledged.

The HFA also says that grievers need opportunities to share their memories and grief. They are not best left alone and they do need support.

Don't tell survivors to take their mind off the loss or to keep busy.

Becoming Active Again

Dr. Carll recommends that survivors of sudden loss not dwell on the negativity of the event, but rather turn their response to the loss into a positive, active experience. She suggests that a survivor grieving over the loss of a loved one from an accident campaign for tougher safety regulations. The family of a murder victim could campaign for victim's rights. And a survivor could positively respond to a sudden loss caused by illness by becoming active in the fight against the disease.

No one experiences or copes with a loss in the same way, but when the loss is sudden and violent, the emotional and behavioral characteristics are intensified.

It is this intensity that must be focused upon so that normal reactions to the psychological trauma of sudden loss do not become the foundation of a dysfunctional lifestyle for the survivors.

******

(Thank you to http://bit.ly/6GzUIk for access to this article from Health Library.)

Picture: http://www.instantshift.com/2009/12/19/100-beautiful-examples-of-black-and-white-photography/

Article: http://bit.ly/6GzUIk