Thursday's Therapy
Ahhh! The Illusions and Delusions
of The Holiday Season!
~by Tommy and Angie Prince
The trauma of losing a child takes away the defense mechanisms you used to have that helped to guard against acknowledging the truth, against seeing certain unwanted-stark-realities that were too ugly to fit into our "idealized," "magical" view of reality. For example, pre-child-loss, we might have been able to see, say, our families-of-origin as "one big happy family." Post-child-loss, we suddenly are hit with accommodating and assimilating a new reality, that of the death of our child, a reality we never, ever wanted to happen; then, suddenly, it seems we are hit with many other ugly doses of reality we never wanted to see but actually may have been always been present in some ways. So that the "one-big-happy-family" becomes exposed to see what's underneath ~ some exposed as truly loving, kind hearts, others exposed as well… quite the opposite to where we suddenly realize,
These people are not who we thought they were!!!
We begin to realize we have been deluding ourselves into thinking people were something they were not.
When suddenly hit with child-loss, you are also suddenly hit with any delusions or illusions that over the years, had sneaked into your world-view. When you are grieving and reduced to a shell of who you once were, you have few defenses ready, and little energy left for any additional fights against your war-torn system, so suddenly, you find you must be aware of any idealizing that has crept in, any illusions or delusions that could muddy the waters of a healthy existence in which you are in touch with Reality, not life-as-you-want-it-to be. You are suddenly caught up in a battle for survival, and you had better know where your "enemies" are… Enemies such as toxic, narcissistic people who are serving their own interests and have agendas for you that don't recognize nor respect your new limitations that come with your severe loss.
Instead of coming alongside us to comfort us, these kinds of people do not want to be inconvenienced, nor have their illusive world-view challenged, so instead of their comforting you, you may find they turn on you with a vengeance with demanded expectations that you dump your grief and get back into the "swing of things" -- pronto! As if you were a cold-hearted automaton with no depths of warm feelings for the years and years of love poured into your precious child.
H.e.a.r.t.l.e.s.s. These people have become heartless, and they want you to do the same. Unless of course you are directing your energies toward serving their interests -- then you are allowed to show a great deal of zeal and passion!
Illusion: a false idea or belief, a deceptive appearance or impression
Delusion: an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument
Illusions and Delusions paint a false view of reality, and we -- of all people -- know that we are forced to deal with reality, as ugly and as painful as it may be. To be given pipe dreams is a false-comfort we can have no tolerance for.
What are some of the Illusions and Delusions of the current holiday season?
- Ahhh! Christmas is here. This is a time that worldly possessions thrown into your life are going to be such a "comfort" to your soul!!!
- Santa Claus makes everything magical.
- Family-togetherness is always good, even magical! Family-togetherness (even when toxicity is interlaced) is supposed to suddenly turn "all-magical" on that one day of Christmas!
- Shop-till-you-drop is supposed to be evidence of your love for someone.
There are many more, but hopefully, you catch our drift… Perhaps you can comment and add some of your own observations of how we often try to fool ourselves during these holidays…
As child-loss grievers, we are suddenly fragile emotionally, and must protect our war-torn hearts, minds, souls, spirits, and bodies. So, for example, getting together with family members, (some of whom, since your child-loss, have been unkind at best, or downright cruel at worst) is supposedly a "magical" time, so you should suddenly drop everything and want to be a part of such a gathering. Therefore, family members may be insisting you delude yourself against the toxic realities you have unfortunately observed and experienced, and to which your heart has, of-necessity, opened your eyes to… You have some hard decisions to make that may upset the apple cart in some ways - but perhaps, in the long run, in ways that are actually good for everyone as no one needs to live under illusions and delusions. We hope that ~as Indiana Jones says~ you will "Choose wisely!"
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