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Monday’s Mourning Ministry
Be Still My Soul
January, 2005. I was at a choir retreat in the mountains with my church choir. We began the retreat by sharing snacks in the dining room of the retreat center…
The college pastor and his wife were sitting next to me and my husband Tommy, along with another dear couple from our choir.
The college pastor penetrated my thin shell that must have been guarding my heart by asking about Merry Katherine as he had recently seen her doing her community service at a homeless shelter’s store.
He knew something must be going on because that is where the teenagers often go when they are serving their community-service part of their agreements with the juvenile court judge along with a three-month probation in lieu of any jail time for a misdemeanor.
Though the timing was very poor as our time was way too limited to get into such a heavy, heart-wrenching subject, I went ahead and answered his question about what had been going on
– that the summer before, Merry Katherine and two of her friends were caught at an office complex parking lot participating in underage drinking.
He very inappropriately had casually broached such a heart-wrenching subject, not privately, and not in a safe place where we could share our hearts, have prayer, and receive ministerial comfort.
Once he got his intended information, he ineptly handled the information and said it was time for him to leave, yet all four dear people did agree they would pray for her.
Unbeknownst to them in the midst of his callous treatment of the disclosure, my heart was essentially sliced wide open with the blood pouring out, and for the rest of the weekend, I could not stop the flow.
My heart was in the pit of my stomach, and I could not lift it out. Meanwhile, a client called me on my cell phone with suicidal intentions... All of this was just too much, and I was devastated.
******
I went to the regularly scheduled choir practice as this was the weekend in which we would learn and begin to memorize all the music for our spring concert.
Normally, singing music to God would lift my spirits and give me hope for whatever might be going on in my life. But I could not get my heart off the floor.
The minister of music had us break up into small groups to share our hearts and pray for one another, so I shared with two other ladies my heart-break; one of these dear ladies shared that her son was also in college and was rejecting any of his beliefs in God and was delving into other cultish religions. As horrible as I felt, the thought crossed my mind that this was an even worse fate, for at least my baby girl knew and loved her Lord. But still, my heart was flattened...even as we prayed.
After the prayer, God (through the minister of music) introduced the following song. It was the only song we as a choir were going to sing a cappella (singing without instruments), so it was a very powerful experience. The version of the song we were singing only included the first verse of the performance below. As you read and hear the words sung, you will hear what the Lord was trying to tell me.
Be still, my soul! the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every way, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul! Thy best, thy dearest Friend
Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.
I felt clearly that God was warning that a major change was coming and that I would need to prepare to “bear my cross of grief or pain”… but to remember that “in every change, He faithful would remain,” and also that “through thorny ways, (He) leads to a joyful end.”
As you might imagine, this message did not lighten my heavy heart, but confirmed it. The entire weekend was a heavy-hearted experience for me. I am usually a very upbeat, positive person, very confident that my God of love would always be with me. So this darkened time was very unusual for me.
As I found out later, my husband, my son Nathan (who was also her best friend), and I, all three, had a dark foreboding about her acting out and where it could lead.
Each of us strongly felt it would have NO good ending… but try as we might, nothing we could do would head it off….
We each also felt, in our own way, that God had used several signs to forewarn us of the evil about to decimate our lives…
and that of our baby girl’s life…
******
And, tonight, I hear the next two verses, and cry even more as I for the first time hear and read the words
Be still, my soul! when dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the Vale of Tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
******
Be Still My Soul
Libera
Be still my soul! The Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul! thy best, thy Heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul! when dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the Vale of Tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still my soul! the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul! the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul! when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last.
