Thursday's Therapy - ReConceiving Preconceived Notions About Grief ~Thomas M. Ellis

Thursday's Therapy

ReConceiving Preconceived Notions About Grief

~Thomas M. Ellis

Thomas M. Ellis is a therapist, clinical supervisor, and executive director of the Center for Grief, Loss, and Transition based in Saint Paul, Minnesota:

Death, loss, and grief are realities of life. But few of us feel comfortable openly conversing about these critical life experiences.

Talking about such realities (as Death, Loss, and Grief) is taboo in our society, and many preconceptions shape basic understandings of how the grief process should work.

Many generations of families, cultural traditions, religious and spiritual beliefs, gender expectations, literature, media interpretations, and other influences have given birth to the perceptions we share.

You almost certainly approach the grieving process with some preconceived notions that may inhibit your healing process.

Understanding what you bring to your grief and what may get in the way of your healing may be helpful. Use the following list to help you discover what grief might mean to you and your family.

ReConceptions of Commonly Preconceived Ideas:

• Grief is not about stages you go through and ultimately graduate from. Rather it is a dynamic process of ups and downs, fluctuating with painful and peaceful moments, hours, days, and weeks.

• Grief is not something you get over. Instead it is an experience you must go through directly, taking in all the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that you encounter along the way.

• Grief is not time-limited, nor does time heal all wounds. A common misconception is that you grieve for one year and on the anniversary of the loss you will return to "normal." This concept promotes a sense of failure and concern. In reality, grief demands the time it needs. Healing requires active participation in grieving.

• Everyone does not experience grief in the same manner everyone else does. Grief is unique to each individual and experience. Give yourself permission to be free of others' expectations, and grant that freedom to others to explore and heal in ways that are real to them. Comparing and judging the losses and grieving processes of others is divisive, unproductive.

• Grief cannot be avoided. It waits for you and eventually demands your attention. Approaching grief is often scary, and you may fear that it will upset you and others around you. But the pain is already there, and nothing can make it worse. Denial will not relieve the present anxiety--expression will. The open expression of grief is a challenge in our modern society.

• Children and adults do not experience and express grief in the same ways. Children tend to grieve in small doses, followed by periods of play and distraction. They do not always have the information and words to express themselves. But yes, they are grieving.

• Grief may isolate you from family and friends. Keeping it private and personal doesn't make it go away.

• At times, people who are grieving may feel like having fun or laughing. You may need this. Fear of being judged or of piling on more guilt may prevent this. It's okay to take breaks from the exhausting work of grief.

~Thomas M. Ellis

This Thing Called Grief: New Understandings of Loss

Pictures, thanks to Grieving Mothers, and Remembering Homicide Victims

Tuesday's Trust - Jesus Suffered to the End

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."

~ C.S. Lewis

Tuesday's Trust

Jesus Suffered to the End

Jesus suffered to the end;

Why would not I?

Why would not I?

Closer than a brother, this Friend,

Ever close by,

Ever close by.

He calls us to do the same,

Suffering too,

Suffering too.

For He calls us by His name,

Love as I do,

Love as I do.

His Father too lost a child,

Heav'ns deepest grief,

Heav'ns deepest grief.

He says our way will not be mild,

A Father's grief

Becomes my grief.

Says others will not understand,

But He is here,

And He draws near.

A man of sorrows, th' Son of Man,

He sheds a tear,

And says, "Don't fear."

After the suff'ring of His soul,

He sees Life's Light:

God makes it right.

And then He'll make our hearts whole,

Destroy Death's Night,

HE IS Life's Light!

HE IS Life's Light!

*****

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with sufffering...

~Isaiah 53:3a

After the suffering of His soul, He will see the light of life, and be satisfied...

~Isaiah 53:11a

When Jesus spoke again to the people, He said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

~John 8:12

"The One who sent Me is with Me; He has not left me alone..."

~John 8:29a

"If you love Me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever-- the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept Him, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. But you know Him, for He lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see Me anymore, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live...

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid...

"I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in My name. This is My command: Love each other."

~John 14:15-19,27; 15:15b-17

*****

As I footnoted on Friday, October 2, 2010, Friday's Faith: In Grief, We Groan even as God Groans...:

Jesus' Suffering:

Isaiah 63:9 (NIV)

In all their distress He too was distressed, and the angel of His presence saved them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them; He lifted them up and carried them all the days of old.

Isaiah 53:3 (NIV)

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces He was despised, and we held Him in low esteem.

Matthew 23:37 (NIV)

Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.

Matthew 26:38 (NIV)

Then He said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with Me."

Mark 14:33 (NIV)

He took Peter, James and John along with Him, and He began to be deeply distressed and troubled.

Luke 14:27,33 (NIV)

And whoever does not carry their cross and follow Me cannot be My disciple... In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be My disciples.

Luke 9:23-24 (NIV)

Then He said to them all: "Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will save it.

Luke 6:20-22 (NIV)

Looking at His disciples, He said:

"Blessed are you who are poor,

for yours is the kingdom of God.

Blessed are you who hunger now,

for you will be satisfied.

Blessed are you who weep now,

for you will laugh.

Blessed are you when people hate you,

when they exclude you and insult you

and reject your name as evil,

because of the Son of Man.

Mark 8:34-37 (NIV)

Then He called the crowd to Him along with His disciples and said:

"Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?

John 11:35 (NIV)

Jesus wept.

John 12:27 (NIV)

"Now My soul is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save Me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.

Our Suffering:

Romans 8:18-28 (NIV)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the One who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Matthew 5:3-12 (NIV)

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers

for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

Matthew 10:16-25 (NIV)

"I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Be on your guard; you will be handed over to the local councils and be flogged in the synagogues. On My account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

"Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. You will be hated by everyone because of Me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another. Truly I tell you, you will not finish going through the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes.

"The student is not above the teacher, nor a servant above his master. It is enough for students to be like their teachers, and servants like their masters. If the head of the house has been called Beelzebul, how much more the members of his household!"

Matthew 16:24-25 (NIV)

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will find it.

Matthew 20:23,26-28 (NIV)

Jesus said to them,

"You will indeed drink from My cup, but to sit at My right or left is not for Me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by My Father...

"Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave-- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many."

Matthew 24:9 (NIV)

"Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of Me."

John 12:23-26 (NIV)

Jesus replied,

"The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves Me must follow Me; and where I am, My servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves Me.

John 15:18-21 (NIV)

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated Me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chose you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted Me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed My teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of My name, for they do not know the One who sent Me."

John 16:1-4,20-22,33

"All this I have told you so that you will not fall away. They will put you out of the synagogue; in fact, the time is coming when anyone who kills you will think they are offering a service to God. They will do such things because they have not know the Father or Me. I have told you this, so that when their time comes you will remember that I warned you about them. I did not tell you this from the beginning because I was with you...

"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy...

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!

John 17:13-18 (NIV)

"I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have he full measure of My joy within them. I have given them Your Word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that You take them out of the world but that You protect them from the Evil One. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth: Your Word is truth. As You sent Me into the world, I have sent them into the world.

Picture, thanks to FotoSearch

Poem - Jesus Suffered to the End - Angie Bennett Prince - 8/22/2011

Scriptures shown in the New International Version of the Holy Bible

Wednesday's Woe- I'm in a fight against grief, and I'm wearing Glass Armor: A Brother's Grief

Wednesday's Woe

I'm in a Fight against Grief, and I'm Wearing Glass Armor:

A Brother's Grief

~by Nathan Prince

I asked my son tonight what he meant a few nights ago when he said he was so wounded, and that he was afraid he might shatter. I wasn't sure if he was alluding to grief over his sister, or problems he ran into in graduate school, or attempts at getting a job in a strained economy.

Here is his answer:

I have found that the 3 1/2-year mark has been the hardest for me in my grief --

The pain is not as fresh as at first, but the Void is greater.

Death is no longer something shocking or hard to grasp. It's a full reality, and (I'm) not having to cry over it, but

Feeling the Voided Emptiness I have found makes grief harder than ever.

And yet the pain is so perpetual --there is always a sadness there that has not gone away-- I know it will never truly end.

And because the pain is not as fresh, there's "nothing" to cry over.

And with no tears, there's no healing.

And with no tears, I forget how much I'm hurting.

From the unawareness of the pain, I no longer manage the pain ~ the pain manages me.

I walk around mad and upset, and I don't know why. I find myself crying over anything or any one who is precious to me like she was. I forget that it is Grief that I am reacting to. It always lurks beneath the surface.

I have always said if you don't cry, Grief is going to control you. It eats away at you on the inside.

As a result, I feel like the slightest prick of pain could shatter this very fragile heart. I isolate myself from the world because I know I'm made of glass now and the world has handfuls of rocks it's just dying to throw. And now I'm walking around with a target on my chest. I feel like if someone were to throw a rock, I would just shatter.

Picture: http://www.thedailygreen.com/weird-weather/winter-photo-flipbook-50120808

Friday's Faith - Child-Loss Grief is For the Long Haul

Friday's Faith

Child-Loss Grief is For the Long Haul

It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

(T)here is no more ridiculous custom than the one that makes you express sympathy once and for all on a given day to a person whose sorrow will endure as long as his life. Such grief, felt in such a way, is always "present," it is never too late to talk about it, never repetitious to mention it again.

~Marcel Proust

(Referring to Proust's quote,)

This is a delicate point. Some people feel that to bring up an "old" grief is to reawaken a wound that has perhaps ceased to hurt—or at least to hurt as much.

Perhaps it depends on the severity of the loss.

Where the loss seems lifelong and inappropriate—as in the death of a child—the grief is never "over."

It will be at a different stage, but it is still there, and as parents, we may indeed be grateful that "after all this time" someone is mindful of a grief that, for us, never goes away.

I know that my husband and I were grateful on the several occasions when, a long time after our daughter's death, we encountered friends who had heard of our loss but had not seen us, and they took the occasion to express their sympathy.

I expect that most of us would rather people risk offering too much than adopt some false constraint and leave us wondering whether they know or care.

Yes, I may cry when you speak of it, but I'm still glad for your support.

~Martha Whitmore Hickman, Healing After Loss

Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief ~Martha Whitmore Hickman