Thursday's Therapy - Ahhh! The Illusions and Delusions of The Holiday Season! ~by Tommy and Angie Prince

Thursday's Therapy

Ahhh! The Illusions and Delusions

of The Holiday Season!

~by Tommy and Angie Prince

The trauma of losing a child takes away the defense mechanisms you used to have that helped to guard against acknowledging the truth, against seeing certain unwanted-stark-realities that were too ugly to fit into our "idealized," "magical" view of reality. For example, pre-child-loss, we might have been able to see, say, our families-of-origin as "one big happy family." Post-child-loss, we suddenly are hit with accommodating and assimilating a new reality, that of the death of our child, a reality we never, ever wanted to happen; then, suddenly, it seems we are hit with many other ugly doses of reality we never wanted to see but actually may have been always been present in some ways. So that the "one-big-happy-family" becomes exposed to see what's underneath ~ some exposed as truly loving, kind hearts, others exposed as well… quite the opposite to where we suddenly realize,

These people are not who we thought they were!!!

We begin to realize we have been deluding ourselves into thinking people were something they were not.

When suddenly hit with child-loss, you are also suddenly hit with any delusions or illusions that over the years, had sneaked into your world-view. When you are grieving and reduced to a shell of who you once were, you have few defenses ready, and little energy left for any additional fights against your war-torn system, so suddenly, you find you must be aware of any idealizing that has crept in, any illusions or delusions that could muddy the waters of a healthy existence in which you are in touch with Reality, not life-as-you-want-it-to be. You are suddenly caught up in a battle for survival, and you had better know where your "enemies" are… Enemies such as toxic, narcissistic people who are serving their own interests and have agendas for you that don't recognize nor respect your new limitations that come with your severe loss.

Instead of coming alongside us to comfort us, these kinds of people do not want to be inconvenienced, nor have their illusive world-view challenged, so instead of their comforting you, you may find they turn on you with a vengeance with demanded expectations that you dump your grief and get back into the "swing of things" -- pronto! As if you were a cold-hearted automaton with no depths of warm feelings for the years and years of love poured into your precious child.

H.e.a.r.t.l.e.s.s. These people have become heartless, and they want you to do the same. Unless of course you are directing your energies toward serving their interests -- then you are allowed to show a great deal of zeal and passion!

Illusion: a false idea or belief, a deceptive appearance or impression

Delusion: an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument

Illusions and Delusions paint a false view of reality, and we -- of all people -- know that we are forced to deal with reality, as ugly and as painful as it may be. To be given pipe dreams is a false-comfort we can have no tolerance for.

What are some of the Illusions and Delusions of the current holiday season?

• Ahhh! Christmas is here. This is a time that worldly possessions thrown into your life are going to be such a "comfort" to your soul!!!

• Santa Claus makes everything magical.

• Family-togetherness is always good, even magical! Family-togetherness (even when toxicity is interlaced) is supposed to suddenly turn "all-magical" on that one day of Christmas!

• Shop-till-you-drop is supposed to be evidence of your love for someone.

There are many more, but hopefully, you catch our drift… Perhaps you can comment and add some of your own observations of how we often try to fool ourselves during these holidays…

As child-loss grievers, we are suddenly fragile emotionally, and must protect our war-torn hearts, minds, souls, spirits, and bodies. So, for example, getting together with family members, (some of whom, since your child-loss, have been unkind at best, or downright cruel at worst) is supposedly a "magical" time, so you should suddenly drop everything and want to be a part of such a gathering. Therefore, family members may be insisting you delude yourself against the toxic realities you have unfortunately observed and experienced, and to which your heart has, of-necessity, opened your eyes to… You have some hard decisions to make that may upset the apple cart in some ways - but perhaps, in the long run, in ways that are actually good for everyone as no one needs to live under illusions and delusions. We hope that ~as Indiana Jones says~ you will "Choose wisely!"

So, may you have a wonderful "get-through" Christmas,

or better yet, spend the time wisely ~

Rest, Meditate, and Focus on the true meaning of the season -

- that Love came down for us at Christmas to bring Life to our souls, and to rescue our children from death and into the loving arms of our Savior for all eternity!

Picture: http://img2.timeinc.net/health/images/slides/11-tree-fire-400x400.jpg

Tuesday's Trust - My Mother's Present

Tuesday's Trust

My Mother's Present

Discovered from my sister the day after my precious mother's death

From my mother,

One child-loss griever to another,

"Angie, Take care of yourself darling!"

She called out into the air within my sister's presence.

After Mother's death, my sister gave me this, the best of all presents...

These words of a loving mother's nurturance who "gets" a mother's pain

When God allows th' mother to go through th' storms of Child-Loss Rain.

As the psalmist said to God,

"Many gasp in alarm when they see me,

but You take me in stride."

It seems the only ones who "get it," and can "take me in stride,"

Are a loving God and a loving mother who both,

In such deep child-loss grief, too, once, sorely did abide.

~Scripture from Psalm 71

Picture: Mother and I

Poem - My Mother's Present - Angie Bennett Prince - 1/10/2011

Thursday's Therapy - Surviving the Death of Your Child ~by Carol A. Ranney

Thursday's Therapy

Surviving the Death of Your Child

~by Carol A. Ranney

Family Grief and Bereavement 101:

How Can I Survive the Death of My Child?

~Carol A. Ranney, Family Grief & Bereavement Examiner

• The death of a child is one of life’s most heart-wrenching experiences. There is a sense of wrongness—parents are not supposed to survive their children. When a child dies, beyond the incredibly painful loss of one’s child, the losses unfold and extend into the future… all the firsts, the graduations, the career, the marriage, grandchildren…so much that was consciously or subconsciously anticipated, gone in an instant.
• The initial phases of experiencing such a close loss, shock, panic, denial, carry us through those first terrible days and weeks. We function in a daze, planning the funeral, arranging the burial, ordering the tombstone…things we had given no thought to and had not in our wildest imagination thought we would ever have to do for our child.
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• Almost as soon as the funeral and burial are over, people go back to their lives, the world continues on, friends begin to talk about their everyday plans and activities, and no one seems to realize that for you, life has stopped.

• Nothing exists for you but your grief, your loss, the emptiness and silence in your home and heart.
• Grief can be denied, but sooner or later, it must be confronted and even embraced.
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• Be gentle with yourself—mourning is some of the hardest work you will ever do.
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• Live one day at a time, and try to think in terms of the next 24 hours, not the next 24 days or years. Don’t try to accomplish too much in one day—pick the most important task and just concentrate on that. Keep a list of things that need to be done: cook dinner, mow the lawn, return library books, and when someone asks what they can do, or tells you to call them if you need anything, pick an item off the list and ask them to do it, then cross it off the list.
• Keep a journal. You will be surprised how much relief you will find through writing down your thoughts, questions, memories, fears, letters to your child, or anything else that comes to mind each day. Grief makes you feel as if time is standing still, and that nothing is changing. It seems as if you have always been in pain, and always will be in pain. By looking back in your journal now and then, you will be able to see that you are making progress on the journey of grief, that you are not in the same place you were a month or six months ago.
• Join a support group to find the strength and support you need to go on day by day, and as time goes by, you will be able to give back to new parents some of the support you have received from parents further down the grief road. When you are ready, supporting another newly bereaved parent is one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself.
• Plan for difficult days—holidays, birthdays, the death anniversary, the expected date when your child would have been born, or other days of special significance. Anxiety about an upcoming day can be somewhat relieved by deciding on something of significance to spend your time on. It may be as traditional as taking flowers to the cemetery and weeding or cleaning the headstone, or as individual as going to see your child’s favorite movie.
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• Make open-ended plans that you can change, if necessary, at the last moment.

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• And remember, even the worst day lasts only 24 hours.
• Think about how you might reinvest the love, time and care that belonged to your child when he or she was alive. You are your child’s legacy—what you do with your life from now on will reflect the person you have become because of the life, and death, of your child. As you progress in mourning your child, think of ways you might honor his or her memory and all you learned from your child. MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), POMC (Parents of Murdered Children), and The Compassionate Friends, among many other organizations, were started by bereaved parents. There are many ways, both big and small, to make a difference for one or many in memory of your child.
• Surviving the death of your child is a long journey made in small steps. There is no way to rush it or to detour around it.
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• The pain of grief is the price we pay for the love we have shared. It is a privilege given only to those who have known great love. Embrace it, and learn from it all your child has to teach you.

Thursday's Therapy- 6 Tips for Managing Your Stress Hormones

Thursday's Therapy

6 Tips for Managing Your Stress Hormones

PTSD Professional Perspective:

6 Tips for Managing Your Stress Hormones

by Fred Krazeise

This is a reprint from Fred Krazeise’s blog, Empowered and Fit. In this article he breaks down a piece in Prevention Magazine that details how cortisol affects us, and how we can affect it back! Oh, the power we hold….

Fred holds a Master’s degree in Education from Chapman University and a BA from University of Maryland. He is an active member of the American Massage Therapy Association (AMTA).

When I meet with clients for the first time, one of the questions I ask is ‘How much stress do you have in your life?’ Often, a client will respond by saying she doesn’t suffer from stress at all. And I usually respond by saying, ‘Oh, really?’

We usually don’t realize how stress affects us, because our body does a good job of adapting to pressures put on it. And I think in our society (certainly here in the Washington, DC, metro area), we are often encouraged to wear stress like a badge of honor. We carry our Blackberry’s with us at all times, we don’t take vacation or time off, we work long hours, we don’t get enough sleep, and in these difficult economic times, many people are putting off seeing their doctors or otherwise caring for themselves. These factors and many more contribute to the rise of the “stress hormone”, cortisol.

No don’t get me wrong, a little stress can be a good thing. Cortisol is produced by your adrenal system and it helps to regulate your blood pressure and immune system. It can help you increase your level of energy as well as improve your ability to fight off infection. According to an article published in the February edition of Prevention Magazine, just a little bit of cortisol can:

- Boost your sex drive by improving your mood and sexual arousal

- Ease pain by helping to release other pain reducing hormone systems

- Improve memory,when moderate levels of cortisol exist

However, chronically high levels of this otherwise helpful hormone can cause all sorts of problems ranging from insomnia, a depressed immune system, and even weight gain. According to Shawn Talbot, PhD, author of The Cortisol Connection, “When cortisol spikes, it tells the body to eat something with a lot of calories - a great survival tactic if you need energy to flee a predator but not if you’re fretting over how to pay bills.”

The Prevention Magazine article goes on to site several ways you can invoke “the relaxation response,” a natural antitode to the flight-or-fight mode that cortisol stimulates:

• Meditation - Reduces Cortisol by 20%

People who meditate regularly reduce cortisol levels by an average of 20 percent, in addition to reducing their blood pressure levels.

• Sleep - Reduces Cortisol by as Much as 50%

Getting a full 8-hours of sleep every night helps your body recover from the stress of your day. If you can’t get the full 8-hours, try to find time for a nap the day after you fall short of the mark.

• Drink Black Tea - Reduces Cortisol by 47%

Scientists aren’t sure how this works exactly, but they think that naturally occuring flavinoids and polyphenols may be responsible for the calming effect of tea.

• Find a Funny Pal and Hang out with Her (or Him)! - Reduces Cortisol by 39%

What’s the old adage? Laughter is the best medicine. Well, it turns out that is actually true!

• Get a Massage - Reduces Cortisol by 31%

This is one of my favorites, of course! Research shows that there is a lasting, cumulative affect by receiving regular bodywork. Massage therapy helps release other hormones such as dopamine and seratonin, which help reduce the effects of stress.

• Do Something Spiritual - Reduces Cortisol by 25%

Similar to meditating, studies have shown that people who attend regular religious services reported lower cortisol production.

It is nice to see that there can be some relief from the cortisol influx into our systems during our deep distress. May you find comfort and hope this week, and rest for your weary body, soul, mind, heart, and spirit!

http://bit.ly/9lX6AN

Thursday's Therapy - (From 8 Things Learned about Grief of a Grieving Parent) Five -Exercise

Thursday's Therapy

Exercise

from

A TCF Speech – 8 Things I’ve Learned About the Grief of a Grieving Parent

Part Five of Eight

Sunday, July 6, 2003 - TCF National Conference

Closing Speech by Charlie Walton

Part Five

5. EXERCISE.

Number five is something that gets really mixed reactions when I say it to people. When you are grieving, I think there is no such thing as "too much physical exercise." I am not a doctor, and I am not advocating that folks with weak hearts become rock climbers, but my experience and my observation has been that... when it comes to clearing your mind... there is nothing quite so therapeutic as soaking your clothes with your own sweat.

I am not saying that exercise takes away the pain of grief. I am saying that, after you rake leaves until you drop, or drag your weary body around the block, or pump that stationary bicycle that's gathering dust in the garage, and after you have a quick shower and towel dry, and then sit down to rest, that's when your mind can get a clear fix on which parts of the hurting were emotional... and which were just from sitting too many hours, popping too many pain pills, drinking too many relaxers, or eating too many servings of tuna casserole just because somebody stuck another plate in front of you.

It is unfortunate that our modern conveniences have stolen away from us the physical exertions that used to be part of death. I was in a small town in Honduras when a beloved woman of the village died of cancer. It gave me a chance to see how things used to occur in our country a hundred years ago. Some of that lady's relatives had to swing a pick and shovel to dig a grave. Othrs had to borrow a truck to go buy a casket from the local wood craftsman. Lots of activities had to be done in a hurry since embalming was not an option there. The funeral service was late that night. Many people stayed all night at the house. The burial was the next morning. There was physical work to be accomplished, work that helped people get physically tired, to feel like they were helping, to pay tribute to the life that had ended. I think we lost a lot when the backhoes and funeral directors started doing everything for us.

Another thing that strenuous exercise will do is get you so physically tired that your body will finally take you to sleep, even while your mind is still feeling that you ought to observe an all night vigil.

Sleep is as important as exercise. Neither one is easy during grief, but you can make your reluctant body exercise, and that can make your reluctant mind sleep.

Sometimes it's important to trick yourself to get started. Some days, when I really don't feel like going to the gym, I tell myself, "Okay, look, I'll just go in and do a few really easy things, just a little physical activity, maybe walk around the track a couple of times." But, once I am there and doing a few easy things, the blood starts to circulate and the joints start to warm up, and before long, I am having a good workout.

I know you feel lousy. I know you can't get a full breath, and your heart hurts, but trick yourself into exercising and see if it doesn't help.

One thing I would add to that: I have found that exercises I do alone work better during times of grief. I don't want the complications of dealing with other people during grief. So, I would recommend leaving off tennis... and golf, and any other activity where you have a weapon in your hand when there is pain in your heart.

You don't need a social experience. You just need to move the large muscles of your body until you sweat... until you sweat a lot, and get so physically tired that it becomes very clear where your body ends, and your grief begins.

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Harriet Hodgson who lost her own daughter shares with us in an ezine article, “Regular Exercise May Help You Cope with Grief”:

I had been on a walking program for years. After my daughter was killed in a car crash and my father-in-law succumbed to pneumonia I walked occasionally. Then my brother died and my walking program came to a halt. This was too bad, because exercise has many benefits.

Mayo Clinic describes these benefits in a Web site article, "Depression and Anxiety: Exercise Eases Symptoms." According to Mayo, exercise boosts confidence, distracts from anxiety and depression, gets you out and about, and helps you cope. Exercise is also beneficial to mental health. "A growing volume of research shows that exercise can also help improve symptoms of certain medical conditions such as depression and anxiety," the article says. Even short exercise spurts -- just 10-15 minutes -- can improve your mood.

Hodgson goes on to share

Grief expert Therese A. Rando talks about exercise in her book, How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. Rando thinks exercise helps to reduce the aggressive feelings associated with grief.

Harriet B. Braiker, PhD, author of Getting Up When You're Feeling Down, sees a relationship between physical and psychological fitness. We need to schedule activities for both, she says, but should not over-schedule our time. "On the other hand, don't be so easy on yourself that you revert to old habits . . . "

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New Leaf Resources shares

Take Care of Yourself.

Have compassion and take care of yourself. Eat properly. Get enough rest. Exercise. Grief causes tremendous stress on your body. It affects even the strongest immune system. You may catch more colds, experience headaches or muscle aches. Taking care of yourself is more important now than ever before. You might try some deep breathing exercises or relaxation techniques. You can find relaxation tapes at a library or book store.

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Mayo Clinic encourages healthy habits amidst grief as well:

Coping with grief and loss tip: Take care of yourself

When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. (As we discussed last week!) Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.

Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

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Even as we grieve the terrible loss of each precious child, may we learn to take better care of ourselves…

I forget to exercise. I forget to take my vitamins. And I definitely struggle with getting a good night’s sleep…

But after three months of required physical therapy to rehabilitate after breaking several bones...I am left feeling stronger, better rested, and more encouraged as I walk through my grief.

Together may we encourage one another not only to grieve out our grief, but daily to love and care for ourselves better as well,

Harriet Hodgson: http://bit.ly/4JLEHW

New Leaf Resources: http://bit.ly/4VfBzp

Mayo Clinic: http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm