Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Wednesday's Woe - Denial After 6 Years?! ~Tommy and Angie Prince

Every day since you've been gone, there's such an isolating loneliness and an aching so deep inside; it's a feeling that fills my head, my heart, my eyes and my ears, a feeling that steals away the joy, leaving only the torment of my tears. And every day when this feeling comes, the power and intensity is like a thousand drums pounding in my heart tearing me apart.

My heart and I will never get used to your being gone.

Wednesday's Woe

Denial After 6 Years?!

~Tommy and Angie Prince

To deal with the reality of what happened to our child, we could not function with such reality "in our face" all the time. As psychoanalyst Otto Rank describes, it is neurotic to not face our live's truths, but it is also neurotic to face our harsh truths at all times. We do need to process the death of our child into our brains, our psyches, our bodies, our souls, etc. But we also need to take some breaks from such harsh reality at times to give our poor systems a breather. We have to face death and yet live at the same time, so it becomes a living nightmare.

We talk about life's rhythms. One thing that can stop our life's rhythm in its tracks is to momentarily "set aside" your child's death by becoming busy with life, then happen to glance at a picture of her you haven't seen in a long time ~ a flash of normalcy at some other time in your life comes face to face with the harsh reality of her death. What???! NOOO!!!! That couldn't have happened to my baby, not that!!! Not in her young life!!! The very striking picture of her screams out "Beautiful Life in All its Normalcy." But, No!!! You're "Chutes and Laddered" back down to 'Start" in a second's time. Square One. Day One of your grief. And the pain comes tumbling down over your heart like a freight train to where you wonder if you will survive...

Tuesday's Trust - God Enters and Companions Our Suffering… and A Poem About Her Suffering...

Tuesday's Trust

God Enters and Companions Our Suffering…


A Poem About Her Suffering...

Suffering is a huge, unavoidable element in the human condition. To be human is to suffer. No one gets an exemption. It comes as no surprise then to find that our Holy Scriptures, immersed as they are in the human condition, provide extensive witness to suffering…

Lamentations, written out of the exile experience, provides the community of faith with a form and vocabulary for dealing with loss and pain…

Neither explaining nor offering a program for the elimination of suffering, Lamentations keeps company with the extensive biblical witness that gives dignity to suffering by insisting that God enters our suffering and is companion to our suffering.

"She cries herself to sleep at night,
tears soaking her pillow.
No one's left among her lovers to sit and hold her hand.
Her friends have all dumped her."

~from Lamentations 1

~Introduction to Lamentations, found in one version of The Message by Eugene Peterson, page 1474,
Verse from Lamentations 1, page 1475.


And later that night, rather in the wee hours of this morning, I wrote a poem, along with many, many tears to lament her suffering…

Poem: On Grappling with her Suffering that Night…

Her fall was astounding;
there was none to comfort her.

~Lamentations 1:9b

What?! On the night that you fell,
That fatal night (once Satan was through),
But before he sounded Death's knell,
There was none there to comfort you?!

Years spent with us, wiping your tears,
Feeling your pain, crying with you,
But in that bleak night's terrorizing fears,
No mommy or daddy there to comfort you?

How can this be? It's just not right:
We were not there to comfort your fright.
And then our God enters my plight…

But I trust God was there,
Holding you close, caressing your hair;
My baby girl, your Father was there!

He took you Home; He rescued you;
He held you close that whole night through;
He wiped your tears, poured out His love…

Ev'n as He does now for us… since you went Above.
Where would we go? What would we do?
If we did not know our God did rescue you?

Held in God's arms, sleep well now my child;
Since He holds us too, we'll join you in a while
When all tears shall cease underneath God's sweet smile…

Poem - On Grappling With Her Suffering that Night - Angie Bennett Prince - 08/27/2012, 2:00 a.m.

“Christ was in agony in prayer, Luke 22:44. Many when they pray are rather in lethargy, than in an agony. When they are about the world they are all fire; when they are at prayer, they are all ice.”

~Thomas Watson

Picture, thanks to Daily Scripture e-cards
Quote, from Heartlight's Quotemeal

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Jesus Whispers Peace ~George Beverly Shea and Cliff Barrows / Portrait: 'Prince of Peace' ~Akiane

Akiane's view of the "Prince of Peace" ~
painted when she was only 9 years old

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Jesus Whispers Peace

~George Beverly Shea and Cliff Barrows
at a Billy Graham Crusade

There is a name to me so dear,
Like sweetest music to my ear,
For when my heart is troubled, filled with fear,
Jesus whispers peace.

When grief seems more than I can bear
My soul weighed down with heavy care
And I am sorely tempted to despair
Jesus whispers peace.

O that the world might hear Him speak
The word of comfort that men seek
To all the lowly and to the meek,
Jesus whispers peace.

The most important thing in this world is faith, because without faith, you cannot communicate with God.


Portrait: "Prince of Peace," painted by 9-year-old Akiane (pronounced Ah-key-ah-nuh)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Saturday's Sayings - Grief... Is About Loving Our Child

Saturday's Sayings

Grief... Is About Loving Our Child

Please allow me to grieve...in my own time, in my own way.


Tragedy does not come knocking on your door three days in advance to let you know when to expect him. So that you will know to be waiting on him. He comes within the very blink of an eye. In an instant; and he is never gentle about it.

Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies. Grief is the weight in the chest, the churning in the gut, the physical pain in your heart and soul, and the unspeakable thoughts and feelings.

Mourning is the outward expression of grief. Mourning is crying, journaling, creating artwork, talking to others about the death, telling the story, speaking the unspeakable.

Everyone grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.

Time does NOT heal all wounds. This is not a wound....it is an amputation. "Loose an arm or a leg, and let me know how long it takes for it to grow back!" It won't!! TIME only allows you the space needed to get used to living WITHOUT. It does not heal.

~thanks to Grieving Mother, Jill Compton


The stronger the love the deeper the grief
Our life here is oh so brief.
Your heart aches for just a touch
Anything of his, just to clutch.
His body is gone, but not his soul
That is the part that keeps you whole.
I wish your pain I could release
So you could know a moment's peace.
But know we all, send our love your way
To help you through another day.

~Scott Moreland


Dear You,
You say that I should be over this by now. 

How can that be it has only been four month(s) and three days that they officially declared him gone. You were not there when it happened, you did not find him. He did not leave you when you were only steps way and did not know. I should have know(n) I am his Mom. You are not the one that panicked trying to get him dressed to take him to the hospital, looking for a mirror to see if he was breathing, all the time knowing that it was really bad. You didn’t lay your head on his chest praying to hear his heart beat. You are not the one that didn’t call 911 for almost 10 minutes because you thought that he was breathing and his heart was beating and it wasn’t. You were not there.

You say I should be over this by now. 

You are not the one who birthed him, had him grow in your body. You are not the one who nursed him, held him for the first time. You are not the one.

You say I should be over this by now. 

You are not the one, who only wanted to have everyone leave when he was in the coma, just so you could read him the book he talked about. You are not the one who knew he was gone, and pleaded with him to go back into his body. You are not the one he said, “No, Mama it’s too cool here.” to.

You say I should be over this by now. 
You were not the one who heard, if his condition doesn’t change we will be declaring him dead in 6 hours. You were not the one who they asked to donate his organ. You were not the one they called saying that you couldn’t so now not even a little piece of him survived. 

You say I should be over this by now. 

You were not the one that went back to the hospital when they disconnected him. You did not crawl into that hospital bed with your head to his chest until his heart stopped beating. You were not there. You were not the one who held him until it was over. You were not the one to cover his face with the sheet after it was all over. You were not the one who could not see that and snatched it back down to look at him one more time. 

You were not there.


~contributed by Grieving Mothers


You can try to hide me
You can pretend that you're okay
You can push away your friends and family
It will only make me STAY

Alcohol and drugs won't help either
It'll create a false relief. Tomorrow I will be here...
Stronger beyond belief

The only way is to go through me


Don't try to figure out a grieving family;
It's impossible unless you are one,
"Just love us";
No one will ever know
The loss we live with everyday!


Sometimes, when one person is missing,
the whole world feels depopulated.



Love is divine..never-ending, 
always forming, 
grows intensively, and 
surrounds us.

Pictures and Quotes, thanks to Grieving Mother~Jill Compton, "Death of a Loved One," and "Grieving Mothers"

Friday's Faith - The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead: "The Most Unselfish Love" ~Søren Kierkegaard, Part Two

"If we are to love the men we see, then we are also to love those whom we have seen but see no more because death took them away.... 

"(O)ne must remember the dead; 
weep softly, but grieve long."

Friday's Faith

The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead

"The Most Unselfish Love"

~Søren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855)

Part Two

"Beloved, let us love one another.

1 John 4:7a (NASB)

Excerpt from 
Works of Love
~Søren Kierkegaard

(translated by Howard and Edna Hong)

{Remember, Kierkegaard himself recommends you read his work aloud for best understanding of it!)

The work of love in remembering one who is dead is a work of the MOST UNSELFISH love.

If one wants to make sure that love is completely unselfish, he eliminates every possibility of repayment. But precisely this is eliminated in the relationship to one who is dead. If love nevertheless remains, it is in truth unselfish.

Repayment in connection with love can be quite varied. For that matter one can have outright profit and reward, and this is indeed the persistently common way, the "pagan" way, "to love those who can make repayment." According to this view the repayment is heterogeneous, something different from the love itself. But there is also a repayment for love which is homogeneous with love:  requited love. And there is still so much good in the majority of men that as a rule they will regard this repayment, repayment in the form of gratitude, of thankfulness, of devotion, in short, of requited love, as the most significant, although in another sense they will perhaps not admit that it is repayment and therefore consider that one cannot call love selfish insofar as it seeks this repayment.

---But in no sense do the dead make repayment.

In this respect there is a similarity between lovingly remembering one who is dead and parents' love for children. The parents love their children almost before they exist and long before they become conscious, therefore as non-beings. But one dead is also a non-being. And the two greatest benefactions are these:  to give life to a human being and to remember one dead; yet the first act of love has repayment. If there is no hope at all for parents, no prospect at all of ever having joy in their children and reward for their love---yes, there are still many fathers and mothers who would nevertheless do everything for children:  but there are also many mothers and fathers whose love would grow cold. It is not our intention hereby directly to declare such a father or mother to be unloving; no, but their love is nevertheless so weak or self-love so strong that they need this joyous hope, this encouraging prospect. And with this hope, this prospect, everything would be right again. The parents would say to each other:  "Our little child certainly has a long time ahead of him; there are many years; but in all this time we still have joy in him, and above all, we have the hope that at sometime he will reward our love, will in repayment make our old age happy, if he does nothing else."

The dead, however, make no repayment. One who remembers lovingly can perhaps also say:  "A long life lies before me, dedicated to remembering, but the prospect first and last is the same; in a certain sense there is no threat at all in the prospect, for there simply is no prospect." O, in a certain sense, it is so hopeless; it is such a thankless job, as the farmer says, such a disheartening occupation to remember one who is dead! For one who is dead does not grow and thrive toward the future as does the child: one who is dead merely crumbles away more and more into certain ruin. One who is dead does not give joy to the rememberer as the child gives joy to its mother, does not give him joy as the child gives her joy when to her question about whom he loves most, he answers, "Mother"; one who is dead loves no one most, for he seems to love no one at all. 

O, it is so dejecting that he remains quiet that is way down there in the grave while the longing after him grows, so dejecting that there is no change conceivable except the change of dissolution, more and more! 

True, he is not difficult as the child can be at times; he does not cause sleepless nights, at least not by being difficult---for, remarkably enough, the good child does not cause sleepless nights, and yet the one who is dead causes the more sleepless nights the better he was. 

O, but as far as the most difficult child is concerned there are still the hope and prospect of repayment of love:  but one dead makes no payment at all. Whether you are sleepless and expectant on his account or you completely forget him seems to be completely a matter of indifference to him. 

If, therefore, you wish to test for yourself whether you love disinterestedly, note sometimes how you relate yourself to one who is dead. Much love, doubtless most, would upon closer examination certainly show itself to be self-love. But the situation is this, in the love-relationship among the living there is still the hope, the prospect, of love as repayment, at least the repayment of reciprocated love, and generally repayment is made. But this hope, this prospect, together with the fact that repayment is made, makes a man unable to see with clarity what is love and what is self-love, because one cannot see with clarity whether repayment is expected and in what sense. In relationship to one who is dead. however, the observation is easy. 

O, if one were accustomed truly to love unselfishly, one would certainly remember the dead differently from the way one usually does after the first period, frequently rather brief, in which one loves the dead inordinately enough with cries and clamour.

The work of love in remembering one who is dead is a work of the freest (free-est) love.

To be continued...

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers
NASB = New American Standard Bible

Friday, August 24, 2012

Thursday's Therapy - The Disruption of Life's Rhythm

Grief requires us to re learn the world by putting our lives back together after the loss, and by coming to terms with the pain and anguish that accompany the devastation caused by it in our lives. Over time we move from being our pain, being totally absorbed in it, to having our pain where there is a residual pain and sadness in our hearts.

Thursday's Therapy

The Disruption of Life's Rhythm

~Tommy and Angie Prince

Six years into our Child-Loss Grief, we are still discovering what we can and cannot handle. 

One of the things that has been disrupted this past month is Our Life's Rhythm. We can be derailed so easily, and the energy we have to expend to regroup, and recover the rhythm, to some degree is almost more than we can garner. Through being triggered, becoming hypervigilant, not being able to get a good night's sleep for days in a row, developing digestive disturbances, to having strained relationships in the family, there's a compromised state that renders us even weaker than we were, to where it is a real fight to find a Life Rhythm, especially with the sadness that's always there, with the Child-Loss trauma that's always there, the devastation that's always there in our whole soul, our whole being, and our whole outlook on life. 

With hypervigilance, our body has been compromised with a lack of sleep, and triggered by the realized awareness of our close friends' or relatives' reactions to our very real Child-Loss changes due to the impact of our grief and trauma. It is like a mirror being held up to our already-grieved selves of the picture of "life as it once was" that these loved ones are still expecting us to align with, though we have told them time after time after time, we cannot. Of course we would love to have this "life as it once was" back because it included our baby girl and therefore our world of normalcy! But to hold this "mirror of our normal past" up in our face now as an expectation they have of us amidst the thick of our grief, feels like an added "cruel joke." Now, we know we are disappointing not only our selves, but our other beloved companions through our grief. This knowledge of disappointment is a further load to our already grief-burdened backs.

We recognize the critical role now that "flexibility" plays in our lives of coping with our heavy grief. We have a new appreciation for folks' flexibility when it is there for us. The people that can be flexible with us, being willing to lay their expectations down and work with us amidst one of our steep waves of grief pounding us down, are the absolute jewels. Others, with their rigid expectations of us, send alarms through our systems. Their inflexibility becomes disruptive to our already fragile Rhythm.

Then with our systems so compromised, here come the raw memories, the delayed, unworked grief that has been awaiting our notice. Yet we are so vulnerable, to now face these loaded unworked grief pieces now throws us into a raw-grief state that triggers our PTSD. Now cortisol roils through our system to where we don't know what is a true crisis and what may just feel like a crisis in our grief-stricken state. Real or not, our bodies don't seem to know the difference and the visceral reactions to those unworked pieces of our child's death throw us into our Fight-Flight-Freeze-or Dissociate mode. And that is not a pretty sight.

Six years into our Child-Loss Grief, yet this month, we feel we are barely hanging on...

1st picture and Quote: via grieving mother, Jill C. and ~Wings of Hope-Living Forward
2nd picture, thanks to ~Lessons Learned In Life's Photos
3rd picture, thanks to GodVine's Photos

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Wednesday's Woe - Missing My Mom and My Daughter

Wednesday's Woe

Missing My Mom and My Daughter

Today has been such a sad day for me, missing both my mother and my daughter. 

My mother, also a child-loss mom, having lost my oldest brother to cancer when he was only 38 years old, was so adept at understanding my painful grief over Merry Katherine. I was so blessed to have her live to the age of 97 years old, able to live in her own home (the home I grew up in), sleeping in her own bed until her death. We had such sweet times together on my visits home, whether we were crying together over grief, or laughing together over one another's antics, it was all so precious. And to be able to be nurtured by her so sweetly even as I was getting the privilege of nurturing her creates such warm places in my heart even today.

Just a few months before her death, on one visit home, she taught me a prayer I had never heard in all my years with her. In and out of her dementia, one night she just rattled off this beautifully sweet prayer that just captures the gentle love of Jesus for us, His tender lambs. I was stunned to hear her so articulately remembering every word of this very poignant prayer. 

When I later looked it up on the internet, I saw that it was a very old Methodist prayer and realized she was just a little girl when she first learned this prayer she had kept in her heart for a lifetime. One internet site showed that between the years of 1893 and 1923, there was a song with the words of this prayer that was found in 2 % of the hymnals in those days! (My grandmother, "MaMa" was 6 years old when the prayer first appeared in hymnals; she was born in 1887---100 years before Merry Katherine was born. MaMa lived long enough to see Merry Katherine, then died just four months later. My mother was born in 1913, so the prayer/song was available in hymnals for the first ten years of her life!) Evidently, Mother's special prayer was included in a collection of songs prepared especially for the primary and infant departments of the Sunday School, starting in 1893.

And in all my years with her, to think I had never even heard her speak of this wonderful little prayer! I am the youngest of six children; evidently she taught it to the first four children, then taught my brother and me a completely different prayer in our early days of childhood. She took great joy in teaching it to me in her latter days (at the age of 97!), repeating it word for word until I got it down accurately on paper. It was amazing to me. 

When she first said the prayer, her helper and I were holding hands with her as we prayed, and when I heard the words, I cried. (Her words could be understood in two ways, the way she had been taught it as a child, but also as words that would be looking to God's Ultimate Morning Light where she would soon be headed, and I, of course, was wanting to hold onto her here for as long as I could, so the tears just poured.) Here is the prayer that she said that night, and you will see it again, incorporated into the prayers I wrote early this morning...

Jesus, Gentle Shepherd, hear me;
Bless Thy little lamb tonight.
Thro' the darkness be Thou near me;
Keep me safe till morning light.

Thinking of Mother...

Jesus, Gentle Shepherd, hear me;
Bless Thy little lamb tonight.
Thro' the darkness be Thou near me;
Keep me safe till morning light.

Treasured moments with Mom I had,
Treasured moments kept out the bad...
Now my Father, she's in Your arms,
Kept safe in You with no alarms.
Will You both hold me in Your arms?
World's greatest Love, all Darkness disarms.

Thinking of Merry Katherine...

6 years now, you've been with Jesus;
Can you tell me what that's like?
Here on earth, we know He's with us,
Replacing Darkness with His Light.

6 years now, you've been with Love,
No sin nor sadness hanging on;
Lightness surrounds like clouds above,
Yielding peace like Heaven's Dawn.

I too long to be with Jesus,
Held in His arms, He gently greets us...
All is sweet, our sadness gone...

Jesus, Gentle Shepherd, hear me;
Bless Thy little lamb tonight.
Thro' the darkness be Thou near me;
Keep me safe till morning light.

Jesus, Gentle Shepherd, hear me:
Hold my little lamb tonight.
In my heart please keep her near me;
Hold us close till Morning's Light!

Thinking of Mother, Merry Katherine, and me...

Jesus, Gentle Shepherd, hear me:
Bless Thy little lambs tonight...
Thro' the darkness be Thou near us;
Keep us close till Morning's Light!

Artwork: Jesus and the lamb, thanks to Katherine Brown, artist
3 Poems - Thinking of Mother, Merry Katherine, and Me - Angie Bennett Prince - 8/21/2012

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Tuesday's Trust - How Much We Suffer... ~Tommy and Angie Prince

Tuesday's Trust

How Much We Suffer...

~Tommy and Angie Prince

How many of us have really been taught that life would include such harsh reality?

But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel; for I will show him how much he must suffer for My name’s sake.”

~Acts 9:15-16 (highlights, mine)

When they had preached the gospel to that city and had made many disciples, they returned..., strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God.

~Acts 14:21-22 (highlights, mine)

Pictures, thanks to Grieving Mother Jill C., and Barbara of Grieving Mothers

Monday, August 20, 2012

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Stay Strong ~Newsboys

Monday's Mourning Ministry

Stay Strong


You're in the moment now
A bitter root
A wandering eye and then 
The ties that bind start wearing thin, thin

You're in the moment now
When all you've been blessed with
Is not enough
Here's where the ground gets loose
Here's where the devils call your bluff

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
You've gotta stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

We've seen the tragic flaws
The tortured souls
The saints with feet of clay
Here's where sin becomes cliche'

We've come through wilderness and watched 
The cloud by day 
The burning sky into dawn
Have you forgotten who you are?
Did you forget whose trip you're on?

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
We've gotta stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Get up, there's further to go
Get up, there's more to be done
Get up, this witness is sure
Get up, this race can be won
This race can be won

We've gotta stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
Our Father's dawn will light our day, our day
Come on and stay strong
His grip is sure
And His patience still endures
There'll be no letting go today, no way

Come on, and stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Video: http://youtu.be/9m96MtNlMz8

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Saturday's Sayings - A Heart Without Its Beat...

Saturday's Sayings

A Heart Without Its Beat...


Without you, I am like the stars without the moon, the ocean without its shore,
A heart without its beat, a boat without an oar.
I miss the sweetness of your voice, the smile on your face,
The warmth of your hearty laugh, the comfort of your embrace.
You were the colors of my rainbow, you were the dawning of the morn,
You were the setting of the sun, my heart, my soul, my everything,
My song now left unsung. 

God wipes away my tears, He walks me through my pain,
He wraps his love around me, when my soul cries out your name.
My sweet child, you are still the colors of my rainbow,
The dawning of the morn, the setting of the sun,
My heart, my soul, my everything, my child and loved one.
The joy you brought to everyone, the way you lived and loved is the song,
That plays within my heart, no longer left unsung.

~Author Unknown
~Contributed by Grieving Mother, Melody Hill



~Artwork: "vulnerable" by George Clausen

I can't describe -- there are no words to describe, not in my lexicon, anyway -- the extent of the pain and sadness one experiences in the aftermath of the death of a child.

~Thanks to Grieving Mother Adina, from http://todayfortalya.blogspot.fr/



There are many emotions we are hit with in life,
Grief is the hardest, filled with heart wrenching strife.
Nobody knows the worst grief, unless they lose a child,
To never hear their voice again, never see their sweet, sweet smile.
There is no hurt like it, there is no pain like a Mother's grief,
Knowing their child will never again come home, it's beyond anyone's belief.
Some people will say with stone conviction, I know just how you feel,
This is just their ignorance speaking, though for them, this isn't real.
They can't know the horrors we have seen, or the pain that fills our hearts and souls.
They can't even imagine the nightmares we have, none of this can they know.
They will say, "Get over it, Get past, Get on with your life",
They don't understand when they utter these remarks, they're only twisting the knife,
That has been thrust deep into our breaking hearts, the second we were told,
Our child isn't here anymore, they are now trodding on streets of gold.
Grief, an emotion so deep, it can't be explained, some will never understand,
The ones that still have all their children close, will never comprehend.
Our minds race at all times, memories rushing through our brains so fast,
Of happy times, of loving times, of the times we saw them last.
Grief fills our hearts, what could we have done, what ifs, hows, and whys,
We will never understand, or receive answers to our questions...we just cry,
We sit at their graves for hours, praying for just a little sign,
Wanting to know their spirit is with us, that they haven't left us behind.
We dream of them still here with us, and wake up so relieved,
For just a few minutes, we thought they were here, it's a nightmare we so want to believe.
But, then we look around and see their picture's surrounding us everywhere,
And reality hits, we know it's all real, it's truly the burden we now bear.
Every day we pray this will get easier, but it never does and never will,
We're trapped in our memories and we want everyone to remember them still.
Life goes on for all except for us, memories for others will fade and grow dim,
They won't remember everything as we do, our heart has been taken with them.
We wonder how others lives can go on; ours is stuck forever longing for our child.
Never forgetting them for one second....every move, every word, every hug, every smile.
But, life must go on for others, and we must try our best to understand,
Though they also loved our Angel, they can't forever hold our hand.
Going on with their lives doesn't mean they didn't care, just can't shed the tears,
But they haven't forgotten completely, they will dwell on these memories for years.
But, for us Moms, it's different, we will never forget our precious child and their fate.
That is why we build these memorial sites to preserve all their special dates.
One day we will all be together again, and websites and dates will cease to be,
Because in Heaven we will dwell with our loved one, this time for all eternity.

~Author Unknown
~Contributed by Grieving Mother, Melody Hill


~Contributed by Barbara at "Grieving Mothers"


I had my own notion of grief,
I thought it was the sad time 
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it 
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning that there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather,you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish 
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

~Contributed by Grieving Mother, Jill Compton, and Barbara at "Grieving Mothers"


~Message to my child

~Contributed by Barbara at "Grieving Mothers


~Message from my child

~Contributed by Grieving Mothers, and Facebook.com/LiteACandle

Friday's Faith - The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead: "The Most Unselfish Love" ~Søren Kierkegaard, Part One

"If we are to love the men we see, then we are also to love those whom we have seen but see no more because death took them away.... 

"(O)ne must remember the dead; 
weep softly, but grieve long."

Friday's Faith

The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead:

"The Most Unselfish Love"

~Søren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855)

Part One

"Beloved, let us love one another."

1 John 4:7a (NASB)


In this hardened world we live in, even many Christians can be so ignorant as to say to us child-loss grievers, 

"Are you still grieving your child? Doesn't it make a difference for you that you have God?!" 

A good friend of ours, who is a Christian, actually said those words to Tommy and me, just one year after Merry Katherine's death. Thus, it is so refreshing to hear a brilliant man such as Danish philosopher, theologian, poet, social critic, and religious author, Søren Kierkegaard "get it" when he says quite the opposite in one of his premier writings, Works of Love. So, in the next several weeks, I would love to share with you some of the gold mine of his works by sharing large excerpts from his chapter nine entitled, "The Work of Love in Remembering One Dead."

It is important for us to know why this God-dedicated man could "get it" when so many Christians around us seem so maddeningly clueless: 
"Five of Kierkegaard's seven children died before he did."


Kierkegaard wrote about the love of God working intimately in the lives of individuals as opposed to the group-think we often see in today's church. In The Philosophy of Religion, Otto Pfleiderer wrote about Kierkegaard: "

"Hence (Kierkegaard's) passionate polemic against ecclesiastical Christianity, which he says has fallen away from Christ by coming to a peaceful understanding with the world and conforming itself to the world's life."

He went on to say,

"Kierkegaard can only find true Christianity in entire renunciation of the world, in the following of Christ in lowliness and suffering especially when met by hatred and persecution on the part of the world."

A note to the reader: Kierkegaard himself recommended that those who read his words, read them aloud: "I beg you to read aloud, if possible." This has been very helpful to me in being able to better understand their meaning.


From Works of Love:
(translated by Howard and Edna Hong)

Kierkegaard prefaces his book, Works of Love, with a prayer to the very God of Love. Here is an excerpt from his prayer: 

"How could love be rightly discussed if You were forgotten, O God of Love, source of all love in heaven and on earth, You who spared nothing but gave all in love, You who are love, so that one who loves is what he is only by being in You! How could love properly be discussed if You were forgotten, You who made manifest what love is, You, our Saviour and Redeemer, who gave Yourself to save all! How could love be rightly discussed if You were forgotten, O Spirit of Love, You who take nothing for Your own but remind us of that sacrifice of love, remind the believer to love as he is loved, and his neighbour as himself! O Eternal Love, You who are everywhere present and never without witness wherever you are called upon, be not without witness in what is said here about love or about the works of love."


In chapter 9 of his book, Works of Love, Kierkegaard first challenges us to go to the graveyard, "in order there to get a look at life":

"See, out here is the place to think about life, to get an overview with the help of this brief summary which abbreviates all the complicated extensiveness of relationships. How, then, in a piece on love could I leave unused this occasion for making a test of what love essentially is? In truth, if you really want to make sure about love in yourself or in another person, then note how he relates himself to one who is dead....

"...(W)hen one relates himself to one who is dead, in this relationship there is only one, for one dead is nothing actual. No one, absolutely no one, can make himself nobody as one dead can, for he is nobody; consequently there can be no talk here about irregularities in observations; here the living becomes revealed; here he must show himself exactly as he is, because one who is dead---yes, he is a clever fellow---has withdrawn himself completely; he has not the slightest influence, either disturbing or helping, on the living person who relates himself to him. One who is dead is not an actual object; he is only the occasion which continually reveals what resides in the one living who relates himself to him....

"But we do have duties toward the dead. 

"If we are to love the men we see, then we are also to love those whom we have seen but see no more because death took them away....

"...(O)ne must remember the dead; weep softly, but grieve long."

"How long cannot be decided in advance, because no one remembering can with certainty know how long he will be separated from the dead. But he who in love remembers one dead can make his own ~ some words from the psalm of David in which there is also discussion of remembering:

"If I forget thee, let my right hand forget its cunning; let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember thee, if I do not prefer thee above my chief joy..."
~Psalm 137:5-6 (KJV)

"Therefore, among the works of love, let us not forget this, let us not forget to consider


"The work of love in remembering one who is dead is a work of the MOST UNSELFISH love."

...to be continued

Picture, thanks to "Grieving Mothers"
More about Søren Kierkegaard: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard
Scriptures: NASB = New American Standard Bible, KJV = King James Version

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Thursday's Therapy - "The Manner of Death is Homicide" ~Rebecca Carney

~ A father's grief

Thursday's Therapy

"The Manner of Death is Homicide"

~Rebecca Carney

Homicide. The coroner for the Colorado massacre, Dr. Michael Doberson, said, “The manner of death is homicide.”

People out for a fun evening of entertainment are the victims of homicide. Random killing. Homicide. So senseless. Heartbreaking.

As we, as a nation, grapple with the concept of a monster who lived in our midst and meticulously planned the death of others and as we grieve for those who lost their lives or had loved ones die in the massacre in Colorado on Friday, I think it’s important to remember something. There are grieving people behind the media circus. There are family units behind the photos of the victims. Their lives will never be the same.

Each of those people represent a family unit – and extended family and friends – who have lost a child, a brother, a friend, a classmate, a spouse. Their lives have forever been changed by the actions of another. These families have a long road ahead of them, one no one would walk by choice. Each of them, as individual people and family units, needs all of the love, caring, and support that those around them can possibly give. It’s my heart’s prayer that each of them is surrounded with love, care and support for as long as he or she needs it.

They are going to need it.

As huge as this cumulative tragedy is for the Colorado communities and our nation as a whole, this loss touches the lives of those family members in a very personal, individual way – ways which are unique to each of them. Each of those victims listed in the media reports represents a family and individuals who are grieving a horrendous loss. Each of those families has to go through the process of burying their loved one – purchasing a grave site and a casket, choosing clothes for their loved one to wear, planning a funeral or memorial service.

For more, see

~thanks to Grieving Mother, Rebecca Carney

© Rebecca R. Carney and Grief: One Woman's Perspective (onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com), 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Rebecca R. Carney and Grief: One Woman's Perspective (onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com), with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.