Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Tuesday's Trust - To Civilians of the Child-Loss Grief War: "Please Trust the Healing Process!"

Trust the Great Physician -

Child-Loss Grief is Like Massive Open-Heart Surgery

~Its Healing Takes Time!

Tuesday's Trust

A Word to "Civilians" of the Child-Loss Grief War:

"Please, Trust the Healing Process!"

Tommy and I had a "spiritual meltdown" last night...he with words, I with tears. And this was just after an "emotional meltdown" just several days before! Mourning our baby girl is so incredibly painful.

We are literally in a "Grief War." No one in the civilian world could possibly "get it," in terms of the massive devastation that child-loss grief wreaks on the parents.

In describing Child-Loss Grief (which in-and-of-itself leads to "Complicated Mourning" as the norm for its long-term healing process), Therese Rando, Ph.D. describes the multiple dimensions of such Complicated Mourning:

The Multi-Dimensions of Child-Loss Grief

Grief: reaction or response to loss; includes

  • physical,
  • social,
  • emotional,
  • intellectual, and
  • spiritual dimensions.

Therese Rando, Complicated Mourning, p. 22.

Child-Loss Grief causes Complicated Mourning, which is like having

  • Open-Body Surgery,
  • Open-Soul-Surgery,
  • Open-Heart Surgery,
  • Open-Brain Surgery, and
  • Open-Spirit Surgery,

all at the same time.


It is messy.

It is painful.

It is long-term.

And it ain't pretty.

But when we are about to come out of "surgery" to go into the recovery room for our long-term recovery, it's like we have a bunch of "Civilians," (many of whom are even Christians) lining the hall shouting out pejoratively,

"Don't go in that Recovery Room -- Recover from what?!

"You have God! Don't go into Long-Term Recovery...!

"Since you have God, if you take 'time to Recover,' don't you know that will make God look bad?!"

To which I say,

Stand back Civilians! God is the Great Physician, and He knows what He is doing!

All I ask of Civilians out there is that you trust Him to do His work, in His way, and in His time.

And please have some respect for us who are enduring this long, hard, painful process...

Civilians simply have no idea of the massive healing process that needs to take place as we are allowed to do our deep mourning... When you encounter a Child-Loss Griever, Civilians, please don't forget that

Christ Himself said He came...

  • to bind-up the broken-hearted,
  • to comfort all who mourn, and
  • provide for those who grieve...
  • to bestow on us
    • a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
    • the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and
    • a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

He says that we will be called

  • oaks of righteousness,
  • a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

All who see us will acknowledge that we are a people the Lord has blessed!

~paraphrase of Scriptures within Isaiah 61:1-9 which apply to us mourners

(See Luke 4:17-21 in which Jesus proclaims He has come to fulfill the above scriptures first prophesied in Isaiah 61:1-9.)

Just as God's oaks are not made in a day, a week, a month, or even in a year, neither will our God-given Complicated-Mourning-healing occur in that limited time-frame.

Think about it, Civilians!

You are cruel if you expect us to heal that fast, or if you put any time-frame on our healing process!

Just because our mourning entails a lengthy and painful process, these Civilians seem to align with "Job's friends" in the infamous story of Job...(See the book of Job in the Old Testament), being ever-quick to tell us we are doing it all wrong when they have never even been through such Trauma and Grief themselves!

It seems our mourning is threatening to Civilians. We are entering into a great, long mourning process. Just as Jesus was telling His disciples He was about to endure torturous suffering and death, Peter (one of His disciples) tried to sway Him from going to the cross. When Peter did this, Jesus said,

"Out of my sight Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

~Jesus, in Matthew 16:23

Civilians, you may be trying to relieve us of suffering, but in actuality, you are hindering our healing process! Have a heart of compassion and stand aside while God does His work in us. If you cannot be a kind, comforting friend, then I say to you,

Out of my way!
Do Not interfere with my Lord's work in my body, soul, heart, mind, and spirit!
It is hard enough work cooperating in conjunction with God's healing process. Do not make it worse for me by interfering with my recovery, whatever your motives might be!
You have not gone through the 'Grief War.' You have no idea what you are asking of us when you want a preemptive recovery.

Even the very learned physicians have a Hippocratic oath to guide them in their medical treatment of their patients that warns them,


We ask the same of you. Grief and mourning are hard enough in Child-Loss Grief. You have no idea. So Please back off. At the very least you can, like the doctors,


Then, back off from pressuring us, and pray for us!

Ask God to give you His strength to "Trust the process."

You can cause us secondary-traumatization by your insensitivities when we are so extremely vulnerable. Please be gracious and merciful, remembering there is so much you do not know about Child-Loss Grief!

And remember,

GOD is the Great Physician, not you! He will take care of us.

Trust Him to do His healing work in us, in His way, and in His time. Please!

Finally, please drop any judgmentalism, and love us as you hopefully love Jesus:

The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for Me."

~Jesus in Matthew 25:40

Jesus even said,

"Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted."

~Matthew 5:4

God heals us Grief-Warriors in body, soul, strength, spirit, heart, and mind...And this healing takes time!

So I ask of you,

Civilians, Please, Trust the Process!

Graphics thanks to http://www.fotosearch.com/clip-art/heart_ and http://www.picturesof.net/pages/090107-235894-200009.html


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