Profound Nightmare

Profound Nightmare

 

To bed at 2, up at 3:47 . . .

Dreamed of her—it was another nightmare:

I thought she was here, not up in Heaven,

And yet I could not find her anywhere.  

I dreamed it was some kind of holiday,

A special day I was to share with her.  

I couldn’t find her; there was not a way . . .

Of which date, or which place, I was not sure!

. . . So I was going to get to see her,

Could not find her—I was letting her down!

Frenetically seeking, kept missing her . . .

Rules I was following would run aground.  

. . . A superficial world I was hanging

Onto, the rules of which I could not change:

It seemed my head, I was “banging, banging”—

The pathway I was on was way too strange.

(What could the moral of my nightmare be?)

She was somewhere, but on a different plane.

My clichéd rules were just frustrating me;

Holding onto them were just bringing pain.

I was living in a make-believe world,

Its rules could not help me find m’ baby girl.

Perhaps she wasn’t the only one stuck;

We were both trapped in lives kicking up muck!

In her life here, she was with me, but lies

Were what was keeping me away from her.

Now she’s away—in Heaven; I realize

My make-believe “dreams” distance me from her.

But I could not seem to drop rigid rules;

I knew I was using all the wrong tools.

When she was here, she was “bound” to have her way;

My make-believe dreams trap me the same way.

Why can’t I stop my magical thinking,

That if she were here, my life would be “syncing.”

Letting her go would mean trusting that God

Would bring her closer by (her) leaving this sod.

This world—is not all there is, I must trust!

We get our real life by turning to dust?!

Letting her go brings her closer to me?!

Holding what was distances her from me?!

God, may You have mercy to set me free—

“My” kingdom on earth is not good for me;

I must let go of all idol worship,

Even if it means “perfect life” worship!

Lord, You know I’m stuck in all the wrong rules;

The only way “out” is to use Your tools.

The only release is to follow You—

Lord, refresh my heart with Your morning dew . . .

Create a clean heart, right spirit renew!

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.  

Psalm 51:10 KJV  (one of her favorite verses)

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Written 4/21/09 – Profound Nightmare – Angie Bennett Prince