What Did My Faith Lack?

I was reading a passage from a book today when I got triggered and wrote the following poem. The passage that triggered me was from Wayne Jacobsen’s book, He Loves Me: Learning to Live in the Father’s Affection:

Trust: it is so easy to talk about but so hard to put into
practice. Nothing is more theologically certain than that God is
faithful and trustworthy. But learning how to live in that trust
through the twists and turns of our lives is the most difficult
challenge we face.
It took God almost Abraham’s entire life to teach Abraham
the joy of trusting him. But he did it. Finally when the patriarch
was asked to give up his only son and heir, he trusted God’s plan
and God’s nature enough to set about the task . . . .

What Did My Faith Lack?


. . . But God, when You asked Abraham to give
Up Isaac, and he did . . . he got him back!
His child was spared; he was able to live!
I’m taken aback; what did my faith lack?

I gave my child to You, and yet she died!
Abraham’s feat’s known as an act of “faith,”
And yet my heart to You truly complied;
All I have left of my child . . . is a wraith!

Forgive my impudence; I don’t understand!
Please come alongside, take me by the hand.
For my faith, I feel I got . . . Your backhand,
And now I live in Death’s barren wasteland.

You are my Father; You want honesty;
Please help Your child; by faith I cannot see.


“But child, don’t you see? You must lean on Me.
Cry to Me your tears; I will help you see!
I am your Daddy through Death’s Dark Valley …
Put your hand in Mine; I will help you see.

“You must “see” My kingdom’s not of this world;
Your baby lives! I hold your baby girl!
Your baby lies in My arms, safely curled,
At peace, where the Serpent cannot unfurl.

“Faith is being sure of what you hope for,
Being certain of what you do not see
You know My heart toward this child you adore;
By faith, you must keep your eyes upon Me.

“You know My heart! I don’t destroy; I save!
‘Evil One’ kills. – To your child, Life I gave!
For her soul’s safety, My Son, His life gave;
She trusted Him, so her sins I forgave;
I don’t kill; I resurrect from the grave!

“You must ever keep your eyes upon Me—
Peter had to keep his eyes off the waves;
By faith he had to keep his eyes on Me;
So you must see Me, and not all the graves . . .
Life does not end there when a child knows Me;
I overcome all the waves and the graves!

Just as by faith, you gave your child to Me,
So by faith, please know: Your child rests in Me!”

*******************


Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
Then God said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.”
Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”
Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”
“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
Abraham answered, “God Himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.
When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it,. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”
Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place “The Lord will provide.” And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”
The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, “I swear by Myself,” declares the Lord, “that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through you offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed Me.”
Genesis 22:1-18 NIV

By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.” Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.
Hebrews 11:17-19 NIV

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
Psalm 23 KJV

Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, My servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now My kingdom is from another place.”
John 18:33 NIV

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1 NIV

(Jesus said,) The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.
John 10:10-11 NIV

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
John 3:16 KJV

Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies;”
John 11:25 NIV

During the fourth watch of the night, Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw Him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s You,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to You on the water.”
“Come,” He said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat and walked on the water to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” He said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped Him, saying, “Truly You are the Son of God.”
Matthew 14:25-33 NIV

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:2 NIV

He tends His flock like a Shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart . . . .
Isaiah 40:11 NIV


Written 4/15/09 - What Did My Faith Lack? - Angie Bennett Prince

The Mourning Shop

The Mourning Shop


Is there a shop to bring your mournings to?
If it were true, I would color it blue.
I would put it in mid-town, in clear sight,
For dark mournings, I would color it bright.
I would add windows, open and airy
Put a bench outside where folks could tarry.
I would build a room up in the attic
A quiet room to soothe any panic,
For one to ponder, pray, or contemplate,
Free from turmoil where one could concentrate.
I would provide a desk where one could write,
Write out their troubles of sorrow, or fright;
I would hang paintings of comforting blue,
To soothe the spirit with comforting hue.
I would have vases of flowers so bright,
Cheering each wounded heart with sweet respite.
I’d bring together grief’s compatriots
From Land of Mourning, “Leave lonely closets,
Release your spirit from darkness covert,
Come into God’s light of love and comfort!”


Painting: “The Blue Shop” by William John Leech, 1917

Poem written in response to poetry cues: blue, bright, bring, and to Leech's painting of "The Blue Shop" as noted on the blog, Simply Snickers: http://simplysnickers.blogspot.com/2009/04/poetry-prompt-through-sunday-april-12.html


Written 4/14/09 - The Mourning Shop - Angie Bennett Prince

What Happened to My Baby Girl?!

What Happened to My Baby Girl?!

Who were you really?

Yes, it sounds silly—

I knew you so well;

Now I’m living hell.

How can I go on—

One God gave on loan

Is no longer here;

I can’t change the gear;

I can’t move forward;

I can’t go toward

Life—I live in death,

Dying each life’s breath,

Missing one I love

Though she’s gone above,

My heart’s gone to hell

Since the day you fell . . . .

Where were you headed

Restless, pathetic—

Why did you so cling

To the sick’ning thing

That drained life away,

Making color gray,

Making happy sad,

Making honest bad,

S-t-e-a-l-i-n-g you from me,

Killing my baby!

See how I am stuck

In the mire and muck?

So lost . . . grieving you,

And then wondering who . . .

Who you really were—

I didn’t know . . . her—

The one friends describe

As one who’d imbibe,

Treating people mean,

Manipulating,

Lying through your teeth.

M-a-r-i-j-u-a-n-a leaf

Controlled ev’ry move,

All moves to behoove

Smoking that next joint . . .

But what was the point—

To escape your life . . .

Into darkness rife?

They say you looked “hard,”

Cuts me like a shard;

My baby was soft

With no hacking cough.

She smelled like a rose,

No stench to the nose,

No cigarette stench

Where noses would pinch

To refresh the air.

But you didn’t care;

You just wanted more . . . .

Our LOVE you’d ignore;

It got in your way

Of having your way:

Party, sleep, repeat:

Destruction replete.

Well, you got your wish,

And I got anguish.

So you were destroyed,

And I face the void,

Wond’ring what happened,

Living life, saddened . . .

Where’d my baby go . . .

That – I’ll never know!

So I’m left to die

Broken heart inside,

Witnessing your death

Before . . . your last breath!

What happened to you

. . . Before . . . death took you?

My sweet baby’s gone,

Stolen by a clone

That people describe

Without you inside . . . .

THAT must be the child

Who’s tender and mild,

God resurrected

When death infected

Out-of-control-child

Who stole you, went wild.

So THAT’S where you are!

Perched upon a star,

Talking with Mommy—

No more a zombie!

You have your TRUE soul;

God has made you whole!

That’s why I feel blessed

And my heart caressed

When we two commune,

Our hearts back in tune!

My baby is here;

Her spirit is near . . . .

No more bound by chains,

Now your heart regains

The soul God gave you

When He made you new.

Now I can rejoice;

I hear your REAL voice!

Though my baby’s “gone,”

She’s no more a clone!

Though death’s a fact,

My baby is back!

Bless-ed be Your name;

You all pow’r reclaim.

Buried in the tomb

You’ve changed to a womb

That begets the child

Satan had beguiled.

Now she is restored

As our prayers implored!

It’s like Jesus said,

Before He was dead . . .

“Wheat must fall and die

To reap its real life!

So each man must die

To reap his true life!”

Baby, though you died,

In Him you abide!

Now freed from all sin,

True freedom you win.

You live though you died!

In peace, I'll abide;

God's love comes beside . . .

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life. 1 Timothy 6:17- 19


Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” John 12:23-25


Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies . . . ."


Written 4/9/09 - What Happened to My Baby Girl?! - Angie Bennett Prince

Losing You Before I Lost You

Crystal Tears, originally uploaded by Co®tex™.

Losing You Before I Lost You …

Baby, did you know before you had t’ go…
I was losing you before I lost you?
I bottomed out today; I got so low,
My body crashed before my spirit knew
How badly I hurt, rashly missing you.

I had to watch you disappear before
My very eyes; Satan tangled with you,
Trying to destroy; it hurt me to th’ core.
Th’ day you met mar’juana is th’ day I’d rue.
Oh, how I hurt, drastically missing you!

You couldn’t hear my pleas, tuned out my cries.
The Enemy lured you with his delight;
He destroyed you before my very eyes.
You were so blind, you could not see the light.
And now, baby girl, I’m left missing you!

You abandoned the little girl I knew,
Foll’wing so hard after th’ drug- induced thrill.
A naïve teen, you barely had a clue;
I knew, for you, it’d be a poisonous pill.
Hurting, baby girl, I’m left missing you.

I can’t decide which is worse . . . losing you
Before . . . trying to stop the disaster,
But nothing we tried was getting through t’ you;
You wouldn’t stop, or . . . losing you after . . . .
Either way, we lose; we’re left missing you.

Losing you before—was terrifying—
We knew the implications of your choice
As you chose acts that were death-defying;
But you couldn’t hear . . . like we had no voice.
So we were left, helplessly missing you.

Losing you after—was life-shattering—
You lost your life, and so we too were killed.
Our souls take a beating, our hearts take a battering;
You were killed, so our hearts, ripped-open, spilled.
And now we’re left, lifelessly missing you.

Th’ only hope we have—we’ll see you again;
Satan killed your body; God saved your soul.
God paved a way for you; His saving plan
Made you whole, so we will hold you again!
Till that day, we’re left, sadly missing you.

Written 4/5/2009 - Losing You Before I Lost You - Angie Bennett Prince

Heavenly "Facebook" with My Child

. . . (My) soul . . . resumed talk with my loved one: I asked her questions, and she answered; she questioned me in return, and I answered . . . .

Love goes far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance . . . .

(N)othing (not even death) could touch the strength of my love, my thoughts, and the image of my beloved . . . . I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by (the) knowledge (of her death) to the contemplation of her image, and that my mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying.

Set me as a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death.*

--Viktor E. Frankl, while trying to cope in a concentration camp, not knowing whether his beloved wife was dead or alive.
Man's Search for Meaning
* Song of Solomon 8:6a

* * * * * * * * * *

Indeed, devastating grief is ultimately resolved this way. By experiencing the presence of the lost loved one inside of us, and sensing the way they are carried within our hearts, keeping us company, continuing to advise, inspire, and find unique value in us, we manage.

We still "have" them. We see their faces, hear their words, smile at their foibles, hold conversations with them, laugh with them, scold them, and embrace them still. In an absolute and immutable way, they still exist.

Eventually the comfort of the image takes over for the flesh-and-blood reality. We slowly trade anguish for sweet sorrow, draw nourishment from the inner companion, and transcend the loss, thanks to the gentle resourcefulness of the imaginal realm. This is the historical reason why imagery is a powerful tool that all of us know well. We leaned on it from our baby days (playing peekaboo with our mommies, we learn they are still there even though we temporarily cannot see them). It gets us through and allows us to tolerate separation and loss.

Imagery is the blankie all of us adults get to carry around--on the inside.
(Such) imagery works so well to heal the effects of (grief's) trauma.

Belleruth Naparstek,
Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The above quotes are part of my follow-up to my letter to Digger in his comment on my first post, dated February 2, 2009:

"Parents Losing a Teenager to Death - A Glimpse of Grief After Two and a Half Years"

Grieving Mother/Therapist, Angie Bennett Prince said... in response to Digger's comment . . .

"I also find I weep the hardest when I hear good gospel music, and it's like a cleansing deep in my soul." Digger

Dear Digger,

I agree! I don't know what it is about music (and particularly gospel music) that short-circuits the left brain and heads right for the right brain (and most likely, the soul), but it really does!

The book Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal by Belleruth Naparstek reveals that the most current research in the field of psychology finds that "right-brain" activity (emotional/sensory functions of perception, sensation, emotion, movement) is the most important factor in healing trauma in a person! Staying too much in the "left-brain" (cognitive functions of thinking, analyzing, verbalizing and synthesizing) early on in one's attempts at healing can actually impede healing of trauma, (but can be very helpful in conjunction with right-brain activity after the right-brain activity has been established first).

Stay tuned, I will try to write about this phenomenon in a post on my blog soon as I think it is vital for us grievers to understand some of the most effective pathways to comfort and healing for our broken hearts!

Thank you for sharing what helps you express your grief, and the resulting "cleansing" of your soul that your weeping produces!

May God bless you and continue to comfort you in your grief,

Angie
April 1, 2009 11:59 AM

* * * * * * * * * *

From time to time, I find real treasures of books in my line of psychological counseling work; this book is one of those. It ushers in the latest research into the most effective counseling procedures to help the grieving person.

If you have a therapist, you might want to make sure they know of the late-breaking, revolutionary ways of approaching the traumatized in their healing work as the usual "talk-therapy" of the average therapist is not the most therapeutic first-mode of treatment to utilize; not only is "talk-therapy" not indicated initially in therapy with a griever; talk-therapy-only in the initial stages of therapy can actually be harmful to the traumatized griever. Attention to the right (emotive, creative) brain is critical for creating a base of safety to your emotionally-traumatized being before trying to process the left (analytical, verbal) brain to continue the healing process of integrating your severe loss and all its implications into who you are today.

May the One who someday will wipe away all the tears of His lambs, continue to comfort you in your grief,

Angie

The Sundress with Flowers Blue-As-the-Sky

The Sundress with Flowers Blue-As-the-Sky

I ran across your dress today—the one . . .
The one you wore to your graduation luncheon
The church threw for your class of 2005,
The sundress with flowers, white-and-bright-blue.

. . . Such a sweet function—why’d my heart nose-dive?

Then we took pictures of the fam’ and you;
When Daddy took the shots, I thought to myself,
“Don’t you know you should be in them—
they might
Be the last pics of our fam’ly” to put on the shelf. . . .

“Where’d that thought come from?”
I noted with fright.

I ran across your dress today—the one . . .
The one you loved. . . found next to your body. . .

Undone,
I hold the dress next to my heart—
clutch it and cry;
Tire tracks . . . now run across . . .
those flowers blue-as-the-sky.

The dress brings me comfort—I don’t know why;
Perhaps it lets me hold you on the day you had to die. . . .

I ran across your dress today—the one—
The sundress with flowers blue-as-the-sky;
I’ve never seen you in a prettier one . . .


Though now you wear the Son's dress to fly through His-blue-sky!

Written 3/19/09 - The Sundress with Flowers Blue-As-the-Sky - Angie Bennett Prince
http://freefoto.ca/photos/flower/blue-flowers/flower144.jpg.html?g2_imageViewsIndex=1

Tsunami of Grief - When Will the Grief Ever Stop?

Tsunami of Grief - When Will the Grief Ever Stop?

written May 4, 2008 by Angie Bennett Prince, 21 months after Merry Katherine's death

Just as sudden displacements such as earthquakes and landslides produce high energy waves of short duration that can devastate coastal regions, so my child's death has caused a landslide in this mother's heart, soul, and spirit of seismic proportions, spawning tidal waves that come crashing down on me, sometimes at tsunami force, causing near-devastation.  

Once her tumultuous journey as an acting-out teen "experimenting" with drugs hit my life like a boulder being thrown into a once-placid pond, causing ripples and waves of differing proportions, oft-times disconcerting, other times painful, and many times terrorizing.  

But Merry Katherine's Death has been tantamount to causing a virtual earthquake or landslide in the grounds of my heart, provoking seismic waves of tsunami proportions to come coursing down upon my being, effectively wiping out any semblance of life as I once knew it.

Yes, now I am in a period of "recovery," yet still I am devastated.  I am not sure how much "life" is left in the topography of my soul--that remains to be seen.  And I realize that what "life" does survive may cause my life to take on a whole different form. 

Just as Indonesia is still Indonesia after the recent tsunami, its topography changed completely with many aspects of its former "life" being snuffed out--sometimes temporarily, other times completely.  The same concept applies to me, the Grief-struck.  Just as Indonesia is still Indonesia after the tsunami hit, though life there may look very different now, so too "I" am still "I" and yet "I" have changed.  Not "if" I have changed is to be determined, but "how" I have changed remains the unanswered question.  

But body searches are still being conducted in my heart, soul and spirit to see what life has survived and can remain.   It leaves me questioning who I am now, what I am capable of doing with the amount of damage I have sustained, and what does God want to do with all of this ravaged soul?  At times I wonder, can anything be done with such a ravaged soul?  But mostly, I believe that "we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us," yet I have no idea what form my life will take at this point.  

So I ask, "When will my Grief stop?"  

At this point, it looks like I am healing some under God's wing (with lots of quiet and alone time with Him), as God faithfully continues to work in my body, soul and spirit as I open my heart up to Him.  Don't get me wrong; healing is almost a full-time-job, a daily (if not minute-by-minute) process, often painful and grueling, but God meets me there and touches my pain in a way that comforts me deeply; His comfort often leaves me sobbing and praising Him at the same time!  

But the Grief?  I think the Grief remains until I reach the soothing, still waters of Heaven's shores where my Heavenly Father Himself will embrace me and will wipe all tears from my eyes.

35 Who shall ever separate us from Christ's love?  Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation?  Or calamity and distress?  Or persecution or hunger or destitution or peril or sword?  36 Even as it is written, "For Thy sake we are put to death all the day long; we are regarded and counted as sheep for the slaughter."  37 Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us.  38 For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, 39 Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  

                                             Romans 8:35-39 (Amplified)  

3 Then I heard a mighty voice from the throne and I perceived its distinct words, saying, "See!  The abode of God is with men, and He will live (encamp, tent) among them; and they shall be His people, and God shall personally be with them and be their God.  

4 God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, 

for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away.  

Revelation 21:3-4 (Amplified)

Merry Katherine's Valentines Day Present for Me, 2009

Continued from my 2/24/09 Post:  Today I found the song to play for you of Merry Katherine's gift from Heaven to comfort her mommy's grief -- she knows my heart; she knows my fears.  I found this c.d. on 2/10/09 that she had made for herself which included this song:  "Only Hope" by Caedmon's Call; its words reassured this mommy's heart that she knew and reveled in the saving grace of our Lord for herself.  I think she wanted me to find it just in time for Valentines Day!  Thank You, God for Your tender mercies!  Thank You for showing me her trust was firmly planted in You.  Thank You that she is now safe in her Savior's arms.  

I miss you, Merry Katherine, and I love you with all my heart.  Thank you for this precious Valentines Day Present!  Hug Jesus for me; thank Him for me for saving your precious soul, for holding you, and for hugging you for me!  And Happy Valentines Day to you too, my precious baby girl!

"Only Hope"

Caedmon's Call

Found on 2/10/09 on a c.d. she had made for herself!

Depth of mercy, can there be

Mercy still reserved for me?

Can, my god, Your wrath forbear--

Me, the chief of sinners, spare?

It's my only hope,

You're my only hope!

It's my only hope of Heaven--

At the cross forgiven!

I have long withstood Your grace,

Long provoked you to Your face,

Would not hearken to Your calls,

Grieved You by a thousand falls,

It's my only hope,

You're my only hope!

It's my only hope of Heaven--

At the cross forgiven!

There for me the Savior stands, 

Shows His wounds and spreads His hands,

Face to face before the Son, 

And like Isaiah, I'm undone . . . 

Depth of mercy vast and free,

So much deeper than the sea,

God of love, You heard my cry,

Now into Your open arms I fly!

It's my only hope,

You're my only hope!

It's my only hope of Heaven--

At the cross forgiven!

Minefield of Grief Bombs and "Functional Grievers"

Merry Katherine Prince

(By Tommy Prince)

Journal

2/26/09, Thursday, 2 a.m.

We're in Athens, Georgia (Angie's hometown, staying with my in-laws) helping my handicapped brother-in-law Rick who is in the Intensive Care Unit trying to recover from Aspiration Pneumonia; the family is each taking shifts so someone can be with him 24/7; Angie and I have the midnight till 5 a.m. shifts.

I got out a little today to go by Rick's business and talk to (our nephew) Curt and observe the goings on.  While I was there (Curt's wife) Michelle brought their daughter (our six-year-old grand-niece) Meredith by to visit her daddy.  

When she came in, she walked over and gave me a hug and put her arms around my neck.  I came close to losing it right there in front of everyone.  I quickly suppressed the urge to cry.  I quickly turned the conversation back to the business . . . .

Last night during my nap before going to the hospital (at midnight), I dreamed about Merry Katherine and that she was little, and (that) Nathan had hurt her in the Bennetts' basement. 

She came running to me and I grabbed her up and held her.  She said she was okay, kissed me on my eye, which smudged my glasses, told me she loved me and ran off to play.  When I woke up at 10 p.m.,

 

I sat on the edge of the bed and had a prolonged gut-busting cry that gave me a whomping headache.

As I mentioned earlier, (my 6-year-old grand-niece) Meredith had come up and hugged me (today); that (hug) set off my emotional insides that took me totally by surprise.  Every time I dream about Merry Katherine, I have always been hugging her and don't want to let go.  

When that little Meredith hugged me, she was the first little girl to do that in over 2 1/2 years.  I found myself wanting to grab her up and hold her forever just like in my dreams of Merry Katherine, which always mess with me for several days.  

I found myself immediately taking my hands off her as though she was on fire and I was going to get badly burned.  I used all my energy to suppress the intense hurt that was boiling inside me.

The lava flow of pain surfaced after the nap and dream.  The rest of the night and today, I have felt out-of-it.

Journal

March 6, Friday, 6:30 a.m. (back home in Tennessee)

I didn't sleep as much today as yesterday but feel pretty rested.  (We'll see.)  

I am astounded at how much deep hurt and intense sorrow I carry around inside of me.  

I don't have an awareness of it until something like what happened in GA suddenly throws me into an uncontrollable, deep, long, crying spell.  

(Having intense grief inside) is something like being an epileptic; you don't really know when the next debilitating episode will hit.  Like an epileptic, you do have some awareness of what kinds of things or situations might trigger an episode that will resemble a "throw-down" in wrestling.  These are the very things and situations you stay away from.

As a "functional griever,"* over time I have learned some of what to avoid.  

Tragically, I will always be tiptoeing through a minefield of grief bombs.  -->     

Now I'm beginning to see why fatigue and exhaustion (have) become such a prevalent aspect of daily life.-->        

These external minefields can easily set off the internal hurt and sorrow.  -->        

This (struggle to avoid emotional minefields) in turn requires tension.-->

 

This (tension) itself is tiring enough; -->     

   

Add the internal turmoil of dealing with losing your baby girl, -->    

  

And you have one wasted son-of-a-gun. 

*(Functional griever" is a term Angie and I have given ourselves that describes our life--yes, we can get up every day and somewhat function, but most of our energies have to be dedicated to processing our manifold grief, so we just call ourselves "functional grievers.")

What Was Lost, in Darkness Found

What was lost, in darkness found.
(By Nathan Prince)

The worst of all realities had come: I no longer had my dear companion by my side. My closest friend, one who had helped shape me into the man that I am, was gone. Our lives now utterly and completely separated, Merry Katherine, the sister I knew would always be there, had died. The many roles she had in my heart that used to be so precious to me had now formed gaping holes. I lost the baby sister I cherished; the young woman I lovingly watched over; the sidekick in whom I delighted; the soul I had dearly bonded with; I would never know any of them again.

As you can probably gather, we were close, and pretty inseparable growing up. We actually referred to each other as our other half most of the time. Her death had indeed left me with a feeling of incompletion. I had to suddenly accept that of all the people in this world, it would be her presence that my life would now be missing. I do not know what it would be like to lose the mother who had given me life and love. Or my father who had inspired me to be courageous and a humble servant of the Lord. Or my brother who had brought me constant laughter and camaraderie. No, of all people, this was the single most capable person that “got me.” Merry and I shared a lifelong commitment of intimacy and partnership.

I think (the) majority of the pain was the timing of it all. Both of us being in college, we had regained our solidarity. This was the time in our lives when we most needed each other and we could really appreciate having the other to count on. Her troubled romantic life and my lack of a romantic life gave us the solace in knowing the other would be there for us. Through thick and thin, we trusted it. In depression or elation, we relied on it. In quarrels or harmony, we understood it. Both of us knew deep down that neither of us would ever leave the other’s side.

Neither of us would lose the hope we shared when we were little: “You’ll always be my best friend no matter what.” It was a pact that we were confident nothing in this world could break…but we never considered it could be broken without either of us deciding it to…or so suddenly.

As much grief that I experienced in the next 2 years would provide me with a lingering feeling of betrayal that I had no say in losing my best friend. I had zero say in the matter. Oddly, I did not blame God for it. I did not really blame Satan (as much as he is the root of all deaths). It felt kind of like the feeling when you lose the one object you hold most precious to your heart. Whatever that thing is, you greatly value it in your heart. When it goes missing you feel almost incomplete without it, and losing it devastates you to the core. Depending on what that thing is, the amount of sorrow that follows varies from situation to situation, but we have all had it happen. You don’t have anything else to do but accept that it’s gone. You don’t look at God to blame that it went missing, it just did. No matter who is to blame for losing it, it just hurts, and that’s all that matters to you.

. . . This was how it was after her death, when I had to start from scratch in my perspective on life itself. I began to view life in an eternal sense, simply because I had to. Peace only came when looking at things eternally. Temporarily, her death was certainly tragic, but eternally it was majestic. My sister was now in the presence of the King. How could I stay in a state of sorrow when the one I looked out for the most was now in the loving arms of her Creator? The one that loved her the most had welcomed her home, and I accepted my new life out of the trust that she now had a new, perfect life.

When we both were at Lee (University), I used to cry when we would worship in the same room because I knew that she was rekindling her relationship with the One who wanted her most. I felt at peace knowing she and I were worshiping the God that had blessed us with each other and that we were sharing in the joy that comes from being in His presence. The world would assume that it would only logically follow that with her absence, my worshiping God without her would feel incomplete or lacking. Illogically, the next time I worshiped the Lord, it was even more emotional. I was worshiping the One she was now with, and I felt her with me more than ever before in the presence of our Father. It was as if there was now an overflow of joy like never before knowing that she now worships as a way of life as I do it with a conscious effort. More tears had never fallen out of my eyes when one day, during worship in chapel, I was standing, hands raised toward heaven, singing along with all the angels, and I could feel her hand in mine as we truly worshiped God in awe of Him in all His glory.

I now see (from) her death. . . a gift from a loving God. Do I think (God) caused (her death) to happen? I don’t believe so. Did He just let it happen? I think He has more control than that. . . . He mourned with me over it . . . . I had never felt the Lord like I did when I was at the depths of suffering in, (grappling) with the loss of my truest friend I had in this world. That is when God came down to me; He took that hole that she left, and not only filled it, but replaced it with a perfect friendship with Himself.

I understand my heavenly Father as love. I felt His love more powerfully at 21 than many people ever get to. . . . I miss (Merry Katherine) and the closeness we had with all my heart. But it was with losing her that God was able to make Himself all in all in my life when I had to start from scratch. On August 2nd, 2006, I lost my best friend, but I gained a Savior I had never known before. I had known a lot about who He is, but I had not known Him as He is. He is not a God that loves us from atop the clouds, but a God that stoops down low, comes into our deepest places, lifts our eyes, picks us up, wipes away our tears, and holds us…as long as we’d like, and covers us all over with the comfort and peace that surpasses understanding. That my friends, is the love that I could never have known before she left . . . and it’s a priceless gift that I would wish (for) all of you. Let God bring you out of tragedy and into His arms. He loves you, and He waits for you.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing. ----Romans 15:13 (KJV)

I love each and every one of you. . . . (A)s much as we need love, I pray for all of you to find it in the only Person that can love you infinitely and unconditionally.

(Written by Nathan Prince for Facebook Friends, highlights mine)
Yesterday at 7:26am (Feb. 27, 2009)