Friday's Faith - Life Out of Control as Grief Takes Its Toll...

Friday's Faith

Life Out of Control as Grief Takes Its Toll...

It's been a week of lack of sleep

Amazing what grief does to you...

I find I laugh and then I weep...

And though exhausted, I cannot sleep.

Help me Lord to lean on You

When all within spins out of control.

You're the only One who can get me through

As Child-Loss Grief takes its toll.

All I ask at this point in my life

Is hold my hand and glorify Thy name.

Fatigue, Confusion, Darkness rife—

I'm finding the Grief Monster is not tame.

I awaken at all hours of the night,

My spirit restless, I don't know why.

My baby girl gone, out of sight—

My spirit groans with many a sigh.

What does a "new normal" mean?

Nothing in my life seems in any way "normal."

The way Grief molests seems obscene;

Chaos and sadness seem interminable...

Isn't it bad enough to lose a child,

Only to find you're being destroyed too, all the while?

Spinning out of control in Th' Sea of Grief,

Wond'ring which way to turn for grief's relief—

Engorged, cresting waves behind threaten, loom

To throw me under to e'en deeper gloom.....

Lord, may Your tender Spirit hover

On this broken token of a grieving mother...

*****

But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,

the One who got you started, Israel:

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.

I've called your name. You're mine.

When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.

When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.

When you're between a rock and a hard place,

it won't be a dead end—

Because I am God, your personal God,

The Holy of Israel, your Savior.

I paid a huge price for you:

all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!

That's how much you mean to me!

That's how much I love you!

I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,

trade the creation just for you.

~Isaiah 43:1-4 The Message

Poem - Life Out of Control as Grief Takes Its Toll... - Angie Bennett Prince - 9/2/10

Picture - http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/12/the_year_2008_in_photographs_p.html

Thursday's Therapy Writing About Grief? Closure, Schmozure!

Thursday's Therapy

Writing About Grief? Closure, Schmozure!

~Tommy and Angie Prince

Many therapists today often have it wrong about this notion of "saying 'Goodbye'" to a loved one, portraying that such an exercise could be helpful in that it would bring "closure" to the bereaved. Closure can't be packaged and wrapped up for the bereaved! Closure is something you do to a closet door (or to a therapist's mouth)! It is not something that can be attained, grabbed, or fulfilled by a bereaved parent! How can you wrap up the tiniest of memories that pop up in one's head at any given time of the day, the week, the month, or the year?

Some therapists would even argue that continuing to struggle with grief is because the griever hasn't adequately "said 'Goodbye'" to their loved one. Some suggest writing a letter to one's bereaved as a therapeutic intervention to provide such "closure."

But current research does not back up such a theory...

"Research so far has shown little evidence that written disclosure facilitates recovery from bereavement."

~(2009) Researchers* (highlights mine)

So, why is there even so much concern for "resolving" one's grief over a loved one?

Why is there so much concern that we "recover" from bereavement anyway?

In medicine, the dictionary says "resolve" means "to cause a symptom to disperse, subside, or heal."

Why does a therapist want to "resolve" someone's grief...like grief is a toxic symptom whose extinction would result in a "healthy" person?

I probably made that mistake (in my pre-Child-Loss days) when clients talked about their loved ones years after their loss and teared up while talking about them. I think I concluded,

"Oh, they didn't effectively grieve this years ago, so perhaps I can help them to get this grief out."

For me today, now that I am a grieving mother, I see that someone who might try to "bring closure" to my grief over my baby, essentially trying to "stop" my grief, is cruel!

Expecting "closure" for my grief would definitely be doing more harm than good to my aching soul. I do not think my grief will ever completely resolve this side of heaven; there will always be a longing for my baby until I see her again, until I can once again hold her in my arms.

All my intentions as a therapist (pre-Child-loss) for helping clients to "get their grief out" were not bad. I do think getting the grief out, meaning to get their grief expressed, was very good for them. But thankfully, I did not push the expectations on them that NOW, this grief should be done, over, caput.

However I probably did naively think that now they would be "much further along in their grief process." Maybe. Maybe not. But the expressing of the grief was still good. And I am so very glad that I did not push for a "successful conclusion" to the grief.

Though writing will not bring "closure" to our life-time grief process, I do think writing can be a comfort for us grievers. Our job as grievers is unfortunately that we must learn to "accept the unacceptable," or as Dr. Therese Rando, grief expert, says,

"We must continually bump up against the reality of their absence to begin to learn that they are not coming back."

We are put in the awful position of having to adapt to a harsh reality. But instead of "recovering" from grief, we are continually in a process of "integrating that harsh reality" into the fiber of our life today or else we couldn't cope with day-to-day life at all. The big key is we are having to "adapt" - we are NOT forcing ourselves to "recover" by "expecting our grief 'symptoms' to disperse, subside, or heal." So if our writing about our grief is helping us to express our grief, get in touch with our grief, and adapt our "new normal" lives to our unwanted loss, then the writing can be helpful. However, if we are seeking "closure" to our child-loss grief through writing, it's not going to happen.

The researchers' results did show some positive results to grievers writing out their grief as the results "showed that writing decreased feelings of emotional loneliness and increased positive mood, in part through its effect on rumination."

But in analyzing the results of their research, the researchers also readily concluded that regarding "written disclosure" of one's grief, such "writing DID NOT affect grief or depressive symptoms."

Longing for our child will continue, and that is normal. Don't let a therapist tell you that such grief or longing is unhealthy! Grief over our precious child will continue at varying levels for the rest of our lives.

Writing about our grief? Yes.

Expecting "closure"? No.

Picture thanks to photobucket.com

Current Research (2009) in Grief Therapy: http://bit.ly/bKTuHt ~

The efficacy of a brief internet-based self-help intervention for the bereaved,

* 2009 Researchers: Karolijne van der Houwen, Henk Schut, Jan van den Bout, Margaret Stroebe and Wolfgang Stroebe

Wednesday's Woe - The Great Grief Brings The Great Battle

Wednesday's Woe

The Great Grief Brings The Great Battle

I am blown away by the pain of another

Grieving Mother.

Pain interred, pain incurred,

Pain endured, pain insured,

becomes pain inured.

Facing death all day long,

not just death, death of our child,

our precious one.

How do we deal with pain 24/7/365,

year in year out,

not just pain,

the worst pain...

A pain that is "flesh-eating," as it

eats at your heart, always gnawing,

ever tearing, breaking, wrenching,

until it feels you must have no heart left,

except that... it is...

for it still hurts.

Its flesh cannot be destroyed

because this parent's heart ever loves,

even when the child isn't here to love,

it goes on loving.

And yet the pain continues to

masticate, crunch, grip, rip, tear,

no matter how masticated, pulverized,

decimated, ripped, torn, beaten, shorn,

the heart will not stop,

the heart will not give up the loving...

No matter the pain, no matter the hurt,

no matter the pulverization,

no matter the debilitation,

no matter the exhaustion,

no matter the brokenness,

no matter the dysfunctional life,

no matter others' expectations,

no matter...

Love goes on, the heart keeps loving.

Yet the pain is unrelenting...

until it has to stop...

but not here...never here...

not until...

Heaven...

when the Great Physician says,

"Stop.

There will be no more death,

or dying, or grief, or tears...or pain."

And on that final day,

the heart will know,

Love Wins.

*****

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

“Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

He who was seated on the throne said,

“I am making everything new!”

Then He said,

“Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

He said to me:

“It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children..."

~Revelation 21:1-7 (capitalizations mine)

Picture - Thanks to http://HoangNguyen.cgsociety.org/gallery/464305/

Poem - The Great Grief Brings The Great Battle - Angie Bennett Prince - 9/17/10

Scripture from New International Version, 2010

Tuesday's Trust - Living in a "House of Mourning" ~Tommy and Angie Prince

Tuesday's Trust

Living in a "House of Mourning"

~Tommy and Angie Prince

Everything the world is about is the push to "recover," hurry up and "get through" the grief and trauma of your loss. The world looks at the "good life" as

• being prosperous,
• having an abundance of possessions,
• seeking pleasure,
• pursuing happiness, and
• seeking self-sufficiency...

Then, you read along in Ecclesiastes, and God turns everything upside down.

"Let Me Grieve!" was my poem in last week's Friday's Faith. When I read scripture, God says this mourning is beneficial, not detrimental as many would have me think. So, for those of us in grief, if you are looking for meaning in your time of grief, read Ecclesiastes 7:1-4.

It's not that we want to be in the "house of mourning"; we didn't want to be in the "house of mourning." We didn't ask to be in the "house of mourning," but we were visited by a horrendous loss~the loss of our 19-year-old daughter in a car crash, and NOW -- now, we are residents in a "house of mourning."

And the strange thing is, Ecclesiastes says being in this "house of mourning" is a good thing, and that "sorrow" is better than "laughter"! So should we hurry up and get over this good thing? We don't know. We are just grieving our loss, attempting to manage our trauma, and learning to trust our God at a much deeper level... And somehow He comes alongside, ministers to us, and reminds us of what is most important about life. For that, we do count ourselves blessed.

A good name is better than fine perfume,

and the day of death better than the day of birth.

It is better to go to a house of mourning

than to go to a house of feasting.

Sorrow is better than laughter,

because a sad face is good for the heart.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,

but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

~Ecclesiastes 7:1-4

Pictures thanks to Fotosearch.com