Thursday, December 6, 2012

Wednesday's Woe - Avoiding the Blues While Playing the Blues... ~Tommy Prince

Wednesday's Woe

Avoiding the Blues While Playing the Blues...

~Tommy Prince

I find myself being guarded about tonight. I am in a new band and am having a great time playing with all professionals. In our blues band, we have two guitar players, a bass player, a keyboard player, and myself, the drummer; all of us are very experienced in club playing. I want to be excited about our first gig tonight, but… 

There is a guardedness about approaching things toward which I used to have such an ease.  

It's as though I've lost that comfort of knowing what to expect in situations, and even what to expect out of my own body and emotions. 

For example, tonight I go to play in a club for the first time in three years. The last time I played in a club, it was a disaster ~ That night turned out to be a night of horror, When I glanced outside the club's large window, I was triggered like crazy in seeing Merry Katherine everywhere. Inside the club, I looked around and saw Merry Katherine everywhere. I saw her sitting at tables. I saw her laughing with the crowds. I saw her on the sidewalk outside walking by the club. I saw her in line across the street, waiting to get into another club. Every teenager was my teenager. She was everywhere.

Then amidst being triggered, I was trying to somehow finish playing out the required sets so that I could go home and figure out what the hell just happened that I go and get traumatized over something that was supposed to be so enjoyable.

 Looking back, what I didn't know then… as we were just entering into our third year of grief...

THAT third year was to be the worst year of all for me of these six years of grief... 

So, will tonight be any different?


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