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Wednesday's Woe
I'm in a Fight against Grief, and I'm Wearing Glass Armor:
A Brother's Grief
~by Nathan Prince
I asked my son tonight what he meant a few nights ago when he said he was so wounded, and that he was afraid he might shatter. I wasn't sure if he was alluding to grief over his sister, or problems he ran into in graduate school, or attempts at getting a job in a strained economy.
Here is his answer:
I have found that the 3 1/2-year mark has been the hardest for me in my grief --
The pain is not as fresh as at first, but the Void is greater.
Death is no longer something shocking or hard to grasp. It's a full reality, and (I'm) not having to cry over it, but
Feeling the Voided Emptiness I have found makes grief harder than ever.
And yet the pain is so perpetual --there is always a sadness there that has not gone away-- I know it will never truly end.
And because the pain is not as fresh, there's "nothing" to cry over.
And with no tears, there's no healing.
And with no tears, I forget how much I'm hurting.
From the unawareness of the pain, I no longer manage the pain ~ the pain manages me.
I walk around mad and upset, and I don't know why. I find myself crying over anything or any one who is precious to me like she was. I forget that it is Grief that I am reacting to. It always lurks beneath the surface.
I have always said if you don't cry, Grief is going to control you. It eats away at you on the inside.
As a result, I feel like the slightest prick of pain could shatter this very fragile heart. I isolate myself from the world because I know I'm made of glass now and the world has handfuls of rocks it's just dying to throw. And now I'm walking around with a target on my chest. I feel like if someone were to throw a rock, I would just shatter.
Picture: http://www.thedailygreen.com/weird-weather/winter-photo-flipbook-50120808
2 comments:
Dear Nathan Prince,
"a brother's grief" sounds so much like "a father's grief" in our case. I don't understand my husband's grief in the death of our daughter...but your description just hit home. He is volitile. He can't talk about anything to do with the situation, yet it is so obvious that it plauges his every thought...his every experience. I can't imagine NOT being able to release that pent up frustration on a daily basis. But somehow he supresses. A ticking time bomb....I think. But maybe not, what do I know. I do know that he...and you are suffering in a way that is indescribeable. God bless you through this trying time. Love and constant prayers.
Hi Traci.
Thank you for your comment. God is good, even when we are not. He has been so faithful to me in these "trying times" as you so accurately described them, that I can barely understand how it is that He still loves me this much. That I can rebel and become agitated at God for so long, but then He tells me He holds none of it against me? Cannot imagine or fathom that amount of love! It is only by God's grace that He has given me a knowledge of the truth, so I can only count myself blessed that I found His love when He knew I needed it (and it alone) the most.
I do not want to say I know or have known suffering as great as your husband's. I cannot imagine, and will cry just thinking over my parents' loss of their child. It has to be the worst...leaving an incompletion where there shouldn't be...but it's always there. Like I said, I am not one to say what it is like, but if the pain is much more than losing my lifelong best friend, I pray with all my heart God protects me from that kind of hurt. So I will pray for your husband, especially. (May I ask, what is his name?)
And again, thank you for reading/commenting on my story, it means a lot to hear that we can impact those who are going through the same trials. I pray God comforts you in your loss beyond what you can imagine. He gives peace that goes beyond understanding, and a comfort that is unlike any other.
Today God helped me find a job and I feel like a new man. But it is all by God's grace. It started first when He first drew me to Himself causing me to cry out to Him in desperation (He always moves the biggest mountains after my "crying out to Him" prayers...and oh what mountains He can move!).
The God who has drawn me, and has shown me His abounding love, has the same abounding love for your husband, and can draw him to Himself, as he is a Father's dearly loved child. I can only pray that God moves mountains in your husband's life, as He has, and will continue to move them in mine.
Love in Christ,
Nathan
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