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Monday's Mourning Ministry
The Voice that Knows
~by Tommy Prince
~
Harder to Breathe
~Maroon 5
A child-loss neighbor of ours lost her husband. Another neighbor, himself a widower as of one and a half years ago, dropped by our house asking if we could deliver some food over to Mary, now a new widow as of a couple of days, for him as she was not home when he tried to go by there himself.
~ What do you usually say to such a request?
What does your heart say before your body has a chance to speak to you:
~ ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? YOU CAN'T DO THAT?!
So I said, "Sure!"
Then I start having second thoughts, regrets, "How am I gonna pull this off?" Later in the day, I look across the yard and down the street to her house. There are eight cars in her yard, so I know the whole family is there... I decide to go ahead and fulfill my now-promised favor.
Before I can leave the house, Angie asks me to make myself more presentable ("Button up your outer shirt so your yard-working shirt beneath doesn't show."), and "Oh, by the way, tell Mary we would be glad to stay at her house for her when they go to the funeral on Monday." (I don't think she had time to listen to her heart either...)
All I can think about on the way over to Mary's house is,
"I hope I can drop this off at the front door without anybody seeing me, and hopefully somebody will trip over the food when they go out to one of their cars."
So now I am walking through the yards, and I see that... Oh no! The front door is wide open with only the fully-glass-storm-door closed, and I can see everybody inside. So,
"O great, now I'm gonna have to knock..."
So now my body is saying to me,
"Hand it off, and run!"
(That's the next best thing to leaving it on the front porch -- Hand it off, and retreat!)
The problem with that was the daughter who answered the door was just beside herself with joy that I had brought something, and as I am leaning backwards (to get away), she is taking me by the arm just insisting that I come see her mother... But once inside, I have to go through five introductions before I even get to Mary (as Mary has five surviving children home for their daddy's funeral).
Now I had just been bombarded with people, lots of noise and activity, and I am trying to discern who are the kids, and who are the in-laws, when I see ahead of me this little body of my neighbor's sitting at the dining room table with her back to me. I walk over to Mary. She and I say our icebreaking comments~ ("Hey! Long time no see!" she says, and we only live two doors away.... Her kids are our age, so she's in her eighties.)
Then I hear her voice, the sweetest voice, and this sweet face looking up at me saying,
"So, it's been four years for you?"
(Feet, don't fail me now! Get me out of here!)
It was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard from anyone in a couple of years. It reminded me of Angie's mother, how sweet she was when she would talk about Merry Katherine. It was just a different voice from any other voice ~
It was the voice of one who had experienced child loss, unlike the voice anyone else has.
They get it when no one else does.
I had already been triggered (back to the days after Merry Katherine's death) just by taking food over there... It was all I could do to function. I just turned around and walked out, saying it was nice to meet everyone.
...I came home, sat on my patio swing, and bawled my eyes out.
*****
This is the song that most describes how I am feeling these days.
Bad thing is, it was also one of Merry Katherine's favorite songs that she liked to play full tilt on her stereo...
Harder To Breathe
~Maroon 5
How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle
You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
The Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to funkin' tread the ground that I'm walking on
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control
Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
is there anyone out there cuz its gettin harder and harder to breathe
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