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Wednesday's Woe
More Mine-Fields and Grief Bombs
~by Tommy and Angie Prince
We have a good friend (more like an angel dropped out of the sky because of the way he has continually helped us amidst our child-loss grief). This friend is also a child-loss griever.
He is a veteran of the Vietnam War. Despite fighting behind enemy lines, he made it home safely only to lose his baby brother and his brother's newly-wed bride to a drunk driver.
This sudden and violent loss of such a close loved one ripped him up and essentially dredged up all the war traumas and losses to a debilitating degree affecting his ability to cope and to maintain close family relationships.
Then just six years ago, our friend lost his only son to cancer...
When Tommy talked to him just yesterday, our friend exclaimed,
"Everyday life triggers me with memories of my son.
Even watching television triggers me...
And I'm (at a stage where) I'm just remembering the good times!"
*****
Tommy:
Because of the cortisol stress hormone of chid-loss grief, a simple thing like somebody pulling out in front of me sets me off.
I find myself going into a momentary rage where I end up just dog-cussing the person.
And I then engage in a little self-talk to calm myself down by saying,
"Boy, you really have the love of Jesus in your heart today!"
But I remember it was someone else's extreme carelessness and recklessness that killed Merry Katherine...
And this person's extreme carelessness came close to causing him to crash into the front of my truck, and I came out with all these expletives...
It becomes a situation, whether inside or outside of your home, the world is not a safe place.
*****
Angie:
Last night I needed a good night's sleep as I had clients today, but after just four hours of sleep, I awaken, wide-awake, from a nightmare in which Tommy is chastising me for doing everything wrong during many of our years of marriage...It was totally out of character for him to yell at me, or "gunny sack" me with years of back-logged grievances he's never discussed with me, and I was trying so hard to make sense of all he was saying, all-the-while just being undone that I had inadvertently hurt him. Like I said, I KNEW this was totally out of character for him, but the dream/nightmare was so REAL, and I felt like a complete failure.
So I abruptly awaken, and I realize the absurdity of my dream... and yet, it seems so real.
My own psyche is attacking me!
Even in my conscious, awakened state, I find myself being extremely hard on myself, almost petrified that I might inadvertently hurt someone to the degree that I find myself hurting over my baby girl.
(I don't think that is possible, short of their going through what I am going through, but this fear is not rational. I KNOW it is neurotic, but it almost paralyzes me at times.) This second-guessing myself, in itself feels debilitating, re-traumatizing myself! So, to get a double dose of it in my sleep was mind-boggling.
Nobody ever told me there would be "Cortisol Attacks" in my child-loss grief!
What is happening? WHY am I turning on myself?
Is It Because I Couldn't Stop My Baby Girl From Sure Destruction?
I have no other explanation than that.
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