Saturday's Sayings - A Grief Shared - Phase II ~by Lynda Boucugnani-Whitehead

Saturday's Sayings

A Grief Shared - Phase II

~by Lynda Boucugnani-Whitehead

I found a follow-up to Lynda Boucugnani-Whitehead's "A Grief Shared" in the TCF, Atlanta newsletter, so I thought I'd share it with you all. Her original writing was a very popular one before with you, my blog readers, so I hope you enjoy her follow up that she says comes 15 years later! Enjoy!

A Grief Shared – Phase II

By Lynda Boucugnani-Whitehead

TCF Atlanta, Georgia, September 2011

Written on the 15th anniversary of her daughter Maria- Victoria Boucugnani’s angel date – September 13, 2011.

Smile, though your heart is aching...

It has been 15 years. No – it is not possible – it couldn‟t be – it was yesterday or at the most a couple of years ago.

A few years after my daughter, Maria-Victoria died, I wrote an article entitled “A Grief Shared” in which I was trying to let professionals and others know what is helpful and what is not for those of us who have lost a child. Now at 15 years, I thought it might be time to revisit “A Grief Shared” from the perspective of someone further down the path.

It is harder to write this than the first one. I don't know why, other than perhaps the accumulation of years of grief and “missingness” have eroded my stamina.

But I still want to write it. Remember, it is just one person‟s perspective; maybe some things will resonate with others, maybe not.

Time – time goes by so quickly.

Everything is in terms of before and after.

The before is the refuge where smiles can come from. Those treasured little glimpses of the way we were. When I feel them, I am truly happy.

But most of life is lived in the after.

Smile, even though it’s breaking...

The first few years in the after were survival boot camp. You don't really know if you can survive – you can't imagine it – you're not sure you want to. You make your decision – you plow through the after. It's not dark – but it's very cloudy – a thick fog – obscuring the future you don't want to see anyway. If you are lucky enough to have friends and support, you are able to travel a little steadier. In the early months of the after, you cannot imagine ever laughing again. You will find that after you are able to do so, you have reached a very important milepost.

When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by...

“You‟ll get by” is a good phrase for those of us who have experienced this loss. For a long time that is about all you are hoping to do–“get by.”

I had–and still have–an overwhelming fear of literally being suffocated by my own grief and sad-shock; that it will utterly take everything out of me and leave me with nothingness.

Sad – shock is the combination of the realization that this has really happened, followed by the overwhelming sadness that accompanies that realization.

You learn these little tricks to keep this monster at bay. I will allow myself to sink into the abyss for only a very short period of time and then rapidly climb out – or I take a detour – consciously – if I‟m getting too close to the edge.

What has helped me the most – and is a very personal thing that I seldom share with others – is the way I keep my daughter present with me every day

(although I know she probably has better, more important things to do).

Maria- Victoria's presence permeates my home. There are pictures everywhere.

I can talk to her, tell her I love her and have framed notes from her telling me she loves me too.

We refer to the guest bedroom in our house as Maria-Victoria's room, since when we moved about a year after the accident, we decorated it the way she had wanted in our old home. With every trip we take we are accompanied by Patrick, her stuffed dog, so that she always sees the sights with us. I wear an angel pin every day whenever I leave the house so she is with me. I have done this for 15 years.

Over the years I've had awesome, incredible spiritual experiences that have assured me and my soul that my daughter is still my daughter, that her spirit, her consciousness survives.

It is so hard to try to explain this to people. It is incredibly important to me – such a part of who I am, that I can't bear to listen to the naysayers or, worse, those who outright chastise me for believing in such things as a scientist.

Yes, I am a scientist and I have devoted a lot of time and research to the scientific study of survival of consciousness. Not to mention that I've experienced wondrous things. We who have reluctantly joined the group of bereaved parents, Compassionate Friends, probably know more about this than anyone on the planet.

If you smile through your fear and sorrow...

You do learn to laugh and smile again.

You are a changed person – after all, you live in the after.

With all this elapsed time, how do I describe what it feels like? The one thing that stands out the most is that I have no fear of death. This has continued from the earlier – after years. I‟m not in a hurry – I still want to enjoy life, try to have fun, do meaningful work, make a difference and treasure my family – but I‟m not afraid to die. This is very freeing and has allowed me to chart my own path. As I said in my earlier article, death is the door to where my daughter is. I view it as a great adventure with the ultimate joy of reuniting with Maria- Victoria.

I am a more “take it or leave it” kind of person now.

I guess those of us who have traveled this journey have a clearer vision of what's important and what is not.

I don‟t need to convince anybody of anything. I've become more tolerant and less tolerant. More tolerant of different points of view but less tolerant of narrow-mindedness, silliness or arrogance.

Smile and maybe tomorrow...

I do fall into the chasm of “what might have been.” Usually it's when I'm feeling sorry for myself and missing the love my daughter could be physically giving me at this time and the additional grandchildren who would be a part of my life. I miss the best friend I know she would have been. That hurts – so I don‟t stay there that long.

I miss most her adorable face, her big eyes looking straight into mine, the feel of her skin on my hands, her tenderness, our bond. Thinking of her and visualizing her – that helps.

If I was asked,

“What do you think is the biggest misconception of people who do not live in the "after" have about those who do?”

I would say this,

“They cannot understand how we live with this so present in our lives every day even after 15 years.”

As I said before, 15 years is impossible.

You live every day with both the joy of having had your child with you for a time and the grief of not having your child.

I truly believe that most people think we have “moved on” or something like that. Nope – that doesn't happen.

Every day in the after we feel for our child.

Fifteen years is 5,475 days. I can't put into words what 5,475 days has done to my body and mind. It has definitely caused erosion, a deep canyon.

My soul, however, is enhanced, open and full.

You‟ll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile.

Our continuing journey is to make life worthwhile, without the physical presence of our child. Defining “worthwhile‟ is up to the individual person.

I feel that if you have something to believe in, if hope is a big part of your life, if you are able to honor your child and find meaning in your contribution to this Earth, you have a worthwhile life.

So smile through your tears and sorrow, dare to laugh, dare to dream, and let your child’s love embrace you.

(Highlights, mine)

Lynda's daughter, Maria- Victoria Boucugnani

Lynda's story, lovingly "lifted" from TCF, Atlanta newsletter

Friday's Faith - For This is the New You

Friday's Faith

For This is the New You

Even Jesus didn't hang out with those who hated Him. He had the discernment to know who was who. He sought out the broken, the open, the humble, the seeking. He told His disciples to do the same thing. He openly scorned the merely religious that had no love in their hearts, for they did not reflect the Heavenly Father*, and so He told them - even though they thought they would one day enter into the kingdom of Heaven, they would ultimately risk hearing, "I never knew you."**

He instructed His disciples to go out to the people, and whoever receives you, pour out your blessing, and whoever rejects you, wipe the dust off your feet and move on.

It seems there will be many people we love but who are unable to love us, and worse, even unable to just respect us.

At the end of His life, Jesus cried out over His people as He looked out over Jerusalem, "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how I longed to gather you under my wing as a mother hen gathers her chicks, but you would not have it." He openly cried out His angst over their hardness of heart, and so will we, but we do not have to "hang" with these people who are blatantly disrespectful, hurtful, clueless, sanctimonious, and judging.

He only turned Himself over to them once, though highly reluctant to, and sweating drops of blood over it, but it was only because His Father wanted Him to, and He knew there was no other way to carry out His Father's will to pay for our sins that we may be His and come to live with Him some day.

After our child's death, we are not the same. We are different.

Jesus was different than what the people expected. Jesus came and showed a whole new way. He did and said things that drove the merely religious people berserk. He knew what was important and carried out the spirit of the law versus the letter of the law which He instructed them, kills, and was only a shadow pointing to the true realities in Heaven.

We have been touched in a way that we know what is important. Jesus knew what was important; Everything He did was out of love. We have suffered, and we know the path of the suffering and have a heart for them. Our hearts go out to one another's out of love. So did Jesus' heart. He came to bind up the broken-hearted. He still binds the hearts of the brokenhearted, for He ever binds our hearts, and calls us unto Him to hide in the safety of His love, under His wing (the same wing the merely-religious rejected).

Thank You Lord for Your tender mercies. Hide us in the shadow of Your wing and heal our battered and broken hearts. Thank You that You tell us we are blessed even though... and especially so... we cry.

"Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted."

~Matthew 5:4

*"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them."

He went on to say,

"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of Heaven, but only he who does the will of My Father who is in Heaven."

**

Jesus speaking,

"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from Me, you evildoers!'"

When Jesus sent His disciples out to share His message with them, He instructed His disciples,

"Whatever town or village you enter, search for some worthy person there and stay at his house until you leave. As you enter the home, give it your greeting. If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you. If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town. I tell you the truth, it will be more bearable for Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than for that town."

~Matthew 10:11-15

He went on, letting them know He knew the evil they were up against:

"I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. But be on your guard against men; they will hand you over to the local councils and flog you in their synagogues."

~Matthew 10:16-17

He went on to instruct them how to handle the nay-sayers and those who would harass them:

"When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another."

~Matthew 10:23a

When He saw the crowds, He had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.

Matthew 9:36

At that time Jesus said,

"I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because You have hidden these things (the secret spiritual things of God) from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was Your good pleasure."

~Matthew 11:25-26

Then He kindly spoke to people like us that are weary and burdened down...

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

~Matthew 11:28-30

Now, watch how Jesus went about doing what He was called to do, but those around Him were always telling Him He was doing it wrong, yet Jesus followed the spirit of the law and was not bound by the conventions men thought He should be bound to:

In Matthew 12:

"At that time Jesus went through the grain fields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry and began to pick some heads of grain and eat them. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to Him, "Look! Your disciples are doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath."

He answered, "Haven't you read what David did when he and his companions were hungry? He entered the house of God, and he and his companions ate the consecrated bread--which was not lawful for them to do, but only for the priests. Or haven't you read in the Law that on the Sabbath the priests in the temple desecrate the day and yet are innocent? I tell you that One greater than the temple is here. If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent. For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath."

~Matthew 12:1-8

Later, after Jesus healed on the Sabbath, the legalistic Pharisees became outraged! The Scriptures reveal that after Jesus healed on the Sabbath, "the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus."

~Matthew 12:14

And what did Jesus do? Did He hang with these men who had no respect for Him? No!

"Aware of this, Jesus withdrew from that place."

~Matthew 12:15

But even for these men who were a part of His chosen people, He had great love. In His last days, this was the cry from His heart:

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, ow often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!"

~ Jesus, crying out in Luke 13:34

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.... He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge...

~Psalm 91:1-2,4a

Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings from the wicked who assail me...

~Psalm 17:8

In Luke 4, Jesus quotes the Scripture from Isaiah 61:1-3, saying for this very reason, He came:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on Me,

because the Lord has anointed Me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent Me to bind up

the brokenhearted

too proclaim freedom for the captives

and release for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn

and provide for those who grieve in Zion--

to bestow on the a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of

righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of His

splendor."

Thank you to grieving mother, Melody Hill, for sharing today's picture with me.

Thursday's Therapy - Tend and Befriend: How Women Grieve

Thursday's Therapy

Tend and Befriend:

How Women Grieve

I have noticed that many of us this week in the grief groups in which I am involved have been seemingly "stuck" in unresolvable issues with close friends and even family members.

I haven't quite figured out yet why our secondary wounds cause us so much grief since our loss of our child far outweighs any other kind of loss or grief, but somehow they do!

At the moment, the greatest guess I have is that social support is such a basic element in the repertoire of our tools for healing or at least for soothing our deep grief.

So when you notice that the exact opposite is too often coming your way,

• social meanness,
• social harassment,
• social callousness,
• social expectations of the impossible for your moving on from your grief,
• a social piety of sorts for the conventional "wisdom" of how grief should be done (seems right to them, but is so wrong for us Child-Loss grievers),
• social discrimination that we pick up on of people judging us and deciding we are "belaboring" our grief instead of moving on from it as they think should be done, etc.,

you begin to catch a glimpse at how dismal are our options for social support in this deep, deep grief that no-one-but-another-child-loss-griever seems to understand!

But when the social milieu is loving and supportive of us, it has amazing qualities for our potential healing. And even though it is often difficult to be a part of grief groups in that I cry many tears for others' pain, the love and understanding that is there is remarkably comforting. Even my tears for others somehow seems to help my own grief for my child to be released!

Notice the findings of the following excerpts from a summary of a recent UCLA study done on how women deal with stress as opposed to men!

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more.

Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women. It's a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research---most of it on men---upside down. Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible, explains Laura Cousin Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study's authors. It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers.

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just fight or flight; In fact, says Dr. Klein, it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in men, says Dr. Klein, because testosterone---which men produce in high levels when they're under stress---seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen, she adds, seems to enhance it….

It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the "tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. There's no doubt, says Dr. Klein, that friends are helping us live longer.

In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%.

Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses' Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight.

And that's not all. When the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all (Huh? No, not the biggest! Child-Loss has got to be the BIGGEST stressor of all!) those women who had a close friend and confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were not always so fortunate. Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That's a question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D., co-author of Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls' and Women's Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998). The following paragraph is, in my opinion, very, very true and something all women should be aware of and NOT put our female friends on the back burners.

…That's really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women. It's a very healing experience.

~From "UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women: An alternative to fight or flight as summarized by Gale Berkowitz, 2002

~Comment, mine

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung, R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. Behaviorial Responses to Stress: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight" Psychol Rev, 107(3):41-429. (Full text of article in PDF format)

Geary DC, Flinn MV. Sex differences in behavioral and hormonal response to social threat: commentary on Taylor et al. Psychol Rev 2002 Oct;109(4):745-50; discussion 751-3

Cousino Klein L, Corwin EJ. Seeing the unexpected: how sex differences in stress responses may provide a new perspective on the manifestation of psychiatric disorders. Curr Psychiatry Rep. 2002 Dec;4(6):441-8.

Paintings ~by Megan Kingery, artist, from her gallery - http://megankingery.homestead.com/gallery2.html

Study Article: UCLA Researchers Identify Key Biobehavioral Pattern Used By Women To Manage Stress (Science Daily (May 22, 2000)

Article cited: UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women: An alternative to fight or flight 2002, Gale Berkowitz

Wednesday's Woe - Secondary Wounds

Wednesday's Woe

Secondary Wounds

Losing you was more than I could bear.

It seems, when your life stopped, so did mine.

Five years out, I cannot pay death's fare;

It's hard to work when my heart does pine.

It's almost all I can do to cope;

All my energy is called to bear

T' carry grief's burden 'nd hold onto hope ~

Seems harder than anyone's fair share!

But when loved ones pile on with their vice,

Tis th' straw of th' proverbial camel's back ~

Of all folks, they should know t' be nice;

When they are not, they deserve a smack!

My grief may be too hard for them t' bear;

I'm thankful for special ones who can,

But th' least they can do for me is C-A-R-E,

And on their own vices, call a ban!

Secondary wounds weigh heavier at times:

Loving you brings tears, makes it hard to see,

But loved one's vice piled on, downright blinds ~

Grieving you, I expect; their attacks blind-side me.

Have mercy you who are called to love ~

Do you not know you'll answer to th' One above?!

~Angie

When I read a friend's poem of the same theme, I was struck by how much of a "pushover" I still may be. My poem seems so tame next to hers. She graciously gave me permission to share her version with you! Thank you Vickie!

For Everyone Who Knew The Old Me

Don't tell me you understand

Just lend me a shoulder or a hand.

Don't judge me if you do not know

how I feel to lose my son.

If you have nothing nice to say

You are right Just stay away.

The old me is gone

and NO you don't know

Leave us alone

if you can't be kind.

None of us are the same

You should be ashamed

You think all the possibilities through

of what you can say

when I finally get to talk to you.

Life goes on you say so well......

I pray you are never stuck in this hell.

Parents are gone

uncles and aunts

and you want to compare

what we don't share.

Because you asked a friend

you say

well funny that friend

is yours, not mine.

If you don't understand

it is fine.

I pray you don't have to walk in my shoes.

So maybe you're right to leave me alone

You say I'm So sensitive

Walk in my shoes for one hour one day

and then I will listen to what you have to say.

Thanks for the thoughts , the cards, the words

you couldn't even do that

it was too hard.

I just want you to know

the pushover I was

is gone for good.

For those of you who knew the old me.

~Vickie Warrington Davis

Picture, thanks to FotoSearch

Poem - Secondary Wounds - Angie Bennett Prince - 10/3/2011

Poem, For Everyone Who Knew the Old Me, is by Vickie Warrington Davis