Saturday's Sayings - How Do You Grieve Your Own Child? Dealing with the Presence of Your Absence...

Saturday's Sayings

How Do You Grieve Your Own Child?

Dealing with the Presence of Your Absence...

About his poem the author writes,

My daughter died at the age of twenty,

having succumbed to the temptation of drink and drugs.

In the eyes of the world she was an adult,

but to me she was still my precious little girl.

During that first year following her death,

I wrote almost forty poems,

which describe my attempt

at coming to terms with her loss

through the medium of poetry.

This is one of them:

How Do You Do?

How do you describe an empty heart

Or a mind that will not sleep?

How do you measure the depth of pain

Or the volume of tears that weep?

How do you find new direction

When life's compass has no reference points?

How do you energise listless limbs

With death's arthritic joints?

How do you see the future

Through a lens of opaque glass?

How do you reconcile her name

On a plaque of tarnished brass?

How do you rekindle interest

In a life that was complete?

How do you overcome loss and pain

And the desire for social retreat?

How do you explain to those you know

The pretence that you have to project?

How do you smile when expected to

But your facial muscles object?

How do you trust a God you once knew

Or the power of goodness and prayer?

How do you put your faith in his hands

When those hands threw the switch of despair?

How do you absorb the colours of Spring

Through eyes that see only black?

How do you control the endless pain

Of wishing she was back?

~Grieving Father, David T. Kerry

*****

A MOTHERS TEAR

I hear the wailing cry of a mother as she is told her child is gone.

I see the pain each and every hour since, as she tries to keep herself together to make the necessary arrangements.

I hear her sob all night long as she begs God to “please bring her child back to her.”

I hear her cry out “Why my child, why not me?” “Why does this have to happen to me?”

“What did I ever do to have to go through the rest of my life without my child?”

I heard her say that she “never fathomed that the depth of pain could ever be so deep.”

She says “it hurts too much to even breathe.”

She asked God “how can I keep going on when I no longer exist inside?”

I hear her say to herself “I can’t go on, the pain is to strong.”

I see her die a little more every day since then.

I know inside me that she is but a shell of herself and she will never be whole again.

I hear her say “I can not go on, please God, please take me too.”

Her love is so strong, she longs to be joined with her child.

She loves this child enough to want to go away,

but I beg you, dear mother;

“PLEASE, LOVE ME ENOUGH TO STAY.”

~Grieving Mother, Maria Munoz

*****

‎"Place me as a seal upon your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its ardor endures to the grave.
It burns with blazing flame,
a raging fire.
Torrents of rain cannot quench love;
nor floods sweep it away.

~Song of Solomon 8:6-7

~Contributed by Grieving Mother, Trudy A. Hess

*****

Someone is Missing...

from our dinner table,

from our home.

Someone is missing from holiday celebrations,

from family vacation

and everywhere in between.

Someone is missing from our lives.

We will miss him throughout eternity

and our family will never be complete.

Someone is missing,yet we go on,

Our lives are touched by him.

Changed forever by his brief existence.

His memory we will keep alive.

He lives only in our heart and minds,

We are blessed by his life,

Our love for him forever strong,

Even though....

Someone will always be...MISSING ♥

~Grieving mother, Jill Compton

*****

Opening Grief as a Gift

Grief is laughing with your family

and wishing for the absent one to make the circle complete.

Grief is crying in your car at stoplights.

Some days grief makes you brutally honest;

other days, grief muzzles you.

Grief reconstructs your heart.

Grief is sadness, hope, smiles and... tears –

rolled tightly like a snowball.

Grief makes you search past the stars and the moon for Heaven.

Grief strips you of everything you were pretending to be.

Grief gives you new priorities.

Grief opens hidden treasures from deep within your soul.

Grief allows you to empathize more deeply with others who ache.

Grief makes you unapologetically bold.

Grief is a daily companion, best dealt with by admitting you do walk with it, even after all these years.

Grief is the price of love;

grief is a gift.

A gift .

a gift that you don't want ,

a gift that you want to regift or give back,

a gift I don't want....

~Alice Wisler, via The Compassionate Friends

*****

Do not judge the Grieving Mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works,

she IS but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here,

but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

~Author Unknown

*****

I will no longer hide my pain, even when you want me too.

I will no longer smile & pretend nothing is bothering me just to make you more comfortable.

I will no longer pretend like my son never existed, because you think I should be "back to normal."

I will no longer be who I was before so please don't expect it, this is my new normal.

I will no longer hide the tears because you don't understand.

I will no longer dishonor my son by never saying his name.

I will no longer apologize for my tears.

I will never "get over this".

Things I will do...

I will get through this with love & care from those around me.

I will always have a part of me missing.

I will get stronger & I will honor my child by keeping him alive in my heart.

I will forgive you when you say stupid, & hurtful things I will realize that it is your ignorance of the pain.

I will be here if God forbid this pain ever visits you & I will never ask that you hide your pain, your loss, your grief.

I will honor my son's memory by living through this, in spite of people who think I am being melodramatic, self seeking, depressing to be around.

I have known Moms/Dads who could not handle the pain of loss & took their own lives, I ask that you realize that this pain needs to be acknowledged by me & those who love me & I refuse to allow you to take away what helps me deal with this & helps me to wake up every day for the rest of my life without my son.

Because by not sharing my pain & not acknowledging the hole in my life means it didn't matter & that hole matters to me & it should matter to you.

I understand you have no idea what I feel and will not hate you but I also will not accept that your feelings are more important than my going on.

If you don't like that I cry, that I am different than before & you cower or roll your eyes when I need to say my son's name then I will also understand that you are no longer a big part of my life, when your child has a birthday party 5 years from now & I don't show I will expect you to excuse me & acknowledge my right to hurt & instead of being selfish & offended I expect you to love me any way & if you can't then please move on because this is who I am now ~ my son will always be in my heart & on my mind.

I understand that you think "that is all I think about" but before he was gone I was like you, thinking he will always be here, I had more important things to do. Sure there were times I didn't kiss him before he left the house, or times on the phone I missed saying I love you just like you do now, but I have also realized when I lost my son all of those opportunities are gone, so while you go ahead with your life with your children remember you could never just forget they existed so I will not either.

My life, my son, means more to me than your selfish feelings so I will not pretend that you care about me while you avoid my sons memory or my pain ~ they are always in my heart.

ALWAYS a part of me!

~Grieving Mother, Joseph's Mom

*****

I never thought I could go on living when you died, but ~ I did.

I never thought I would survive after burying you, but ~ I did.

I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months, but ~ I did.

I never thought I would be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but ~ I did.

I never thought I would let myself love my new grandchild, but ~ I did.

I never thought tomorrow would be different, but ~ it was.

I never thought I would stop crying for you, but ~ I have.

I never thought that I would ever sing again, but ~ I have.

I never thought the pain would "soften," but ~ it has.

I never thought I would care if the sun shone again, but ~ I do.

I never thought I would be able to entertain again, but ~ I have.

I never thought I would be able to control my grief, but ~ I can.

I never thought I could function without medication again, but ~ I can.

I never thought I'd smile again, but ~ I do.

I never thought I would laugh out loud again, but ~ I do.

I never thought I would look forward to tomorrow, but ~ I do.

I never thought I'd reconcile your death, but ~ I have.

I never thought I would be able to create that "new normal," but ~ I have.

I never thought I'd want to go on living after you died, but ~ I do.

Always missing you,

always loving you,

and thinking of you daily,

with a smile on my face ~

and tears in my heart.

~Author Unknown

*****

How Well Are You Doing with Your Grief?

"If I were doing well with my grief,

I would be over in the corner

curled up in a fetal position crying,

not standing here acting like no one has died."

~Doug Manning, in The Gift of Significance: Walking People Through a Loss

*****

We are doing well with our grief when we are grieving.

Somehow we have it backwards.

We think people are doing well when they aren't crying.

Grief is a process of walking through some painful periods

toward learning to cope again.

We do not walk this path without pain and tears.

When we are in the most pain,

we are making the most progress.

When the pain is less,

we are coasting and resting up for the next steps.

People need to grieve.

Grief is not an enemy to be avoided;

it is a healing path to be walked.

~from HOPE Line Newsletter, August 2002, www.hopeforbereaved.com

*****

I have found in the years that have passed

that I am most vulnerable

at times of remembrance.

The word "anniversary"

no longer holds a promise of celebration.

Instead, holidays and birthdays,

family gatherings and otherwise joyous occasions

contain an undertow of sorrow.

If I get caught up in it,

I quickly get pulled under

and wind up gasping for breath.

It is ironic that

the presence of an absence

can be so emotionally devastating.

~Bill Jenkins, in What to Do When the Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss (3rd Edition)

www.willsworld.com

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers

Friday's Faith - Passively Being Changed? ~by Tommy Prince

Friday's Faith

Passively Being Changed?

~by Tommy Prince

"He said that those who have endured some misfortune will always be set apart but that it is just that misfortune which is their gift and which is their strength."

~Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses

Change happens when you are powerless. Going into surgery, there was not a thing I could do for myself. The optimal thing for me to do was to do nothing. The whole control I had was to relax my anxiety through deep breathing exercises. And then I put my hands and my life into the physician's hands. Being powerless and helpless, and then yielding to the surgeon was the catalyst for change.

Now in recovery, I have much more power. Being in compliance post-surgery however, is still a yielding because I am restricted in how much weight I can lift, in the type of exercise I can do, and in the kind of food I can eat. All these activities must be adhered to for the healing --that I cannot see-- to go on. Again, yielding to the physician's orders is my doing my part to facilitate healing.

The overwhelming sense of helplessness (which is part of the definition of trauma) in our Child-Loss experience is also the thing that is going to save me, and that is my yielding to the healing Spirit of God...

Picture, thanks to Heartlight.org

Thursday's Therapy - Why Going to a Grief Counselor May Not Help… Part One

Thursday's Therapy

Why Going to a Grief Counselor May Not Help…

Part One

Oh. My. We may have figured out why going to a GRIEF COUNSELOR does not help.

I was reminded last night as I read the study that I summarized for you last night, that our professionals in the helping field (right now, I'm just talking about the psychological professionals like psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, counselors, etc.) have a LONG WAY TO GO to even "approach" being anywhere near helpful for us. I will delve more into their biases next week that could really cost you emotionally if you go into therapy not KNOWING where the counselor's weak points, and potentially hurtful biases are in regard to CHILD-LOSS-GRIEF-AND-TRAUMA.

Several biases were exposed within the synopsis of the research article that once again SHOCKED me as these particular biases were coming from some of the folks in the field that, OF ALL PEOPLE, should be "in the know" about child-loss-grief-and-trauma if they are doing research on grief, and/or they have been put in a position to make diagnostic decisions about this particular subject for our psychological manual (Called "The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual V," often referred to as "The DSM V") coming out sometime soon (within the next two years or so) in regards to the best diagnosis for people struggling with some of the severe dynamics that come with the loss of a child, as well as setting some protocols for the best treatment strategies for folks like us who may come into counseling to grapple with some of our many complications for our grief and trauma. But before we can get into some of these weaknesses you may find in the helping field, I want to cover a few basics for you to think about BEFORE you decide to go into a counselor's office.

#1) Our Child-Loss Grief and Trauma is a WHOLE DIFFERENT ANIMAL than any other grief. Most people in the helping field do not realize this yet. So, I know, my grief over my precious 97-year-old mother, though our parting from one another in this world is quite painful, is manageable, and does not become the debilitating kind of grief that losing my 19-year-old daughter has entailed.

#2) What you don't know is that MANY and MOST therapists and counselors will have the same unrealistic expectations for your recovery that your own friends and family have for you. You know how devastating that has been, coming from friends and family; imagine how it could be even more devastating coming from a professional whom you are paying TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING, TO BE UP ON THE LATEST UNDERSTANDINGS IN THE FIELD OF HOW TO HELP SOMEONE WITH CHILD-LOSS GRIEF AND TRAUMA, AND YET THEY ARE NOT.

#3) Hippocrates had it right for us professionals in the helping field, the first motto should be:

FIRST, DO NO HARM.

#4) If you want to go into therapy to deal with certain aspects of your child-loss grief and trauma, do some searching for the best therapist you can find. Typically, the more "seasoned" they are, the better therapists they are. (Most mistakes are made in our first ten years out of graduate school, so try to find therapists or life coaches who have at least 15 years experience in the field.)

#5) Find out specifically if the therapist has been trained in the latest interventions for Child-Loss Grief and Trauma. Some of the premier grief and trauma specialists are Dr. Bessel A. van der Kolk, Dr. John Briere, Peter Levine, Dr. Richard Scaer, Dr. Douglas Bremner, Dr. Therese A. Rando, among others, so investigate to see if your therapist has been trained by any of these professionals in the latest findings in the current field regarding Child-Loss Grief and Trauma.

#6) Use your discernment as you talk with the therapist to find out if s/he is really hearing what YOUR reality is, and if you can, try to get a feel as to what his/her expectations are for a griever, particularly a child-loss griever, to be "healthy." If they seem to think they have some quick fixes for you, RUN! If they seem to think there is a certain TIME-TABLE for healthy grief to be resolved, RUN! If they seem to be glib (a little too slick, like the work you are about to undergo will almost be painless, RUN! These people are not in touch with your hellatious reality.

#7) YOU are the best authority over your understanding of your own Child-Loss-Grief-and-Trauma. If the person does not seem to be tuning in to what you are grappling with on a day-to-day basis, and seems rather to think he already understands what your reality must be, RUN! Keep looking for that person who allows YOU to teach THEM what you are grappling with.

Now that we've got some basic concerns listed, I ask permission that I may do a little ranting to underline my concerns for us child-loss grievers…

RULE # 1, UNO, ONE, for me as a therapist seeing ANY new client is to ALWAYS keep in mind that I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS CLIENT IS DEALING WITH. I have to always be a good listener, actively listening to the reality of the person sitting across from me. I CANNOT PRESUME to know what this person is dealing with. I MUST CLIMB INTO THEIR WORLD TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY ARE GRAPPLING WITH -- which, believe me, is a VERY painful thing to do if you care about people (and you certainly want your therapist to care about people if you are planning to make yourself vulnerable to them -- which is the only way good therapy can be done -- but the therapist must EARN your trust so that you will know it is safe to share the very painful things of your life.)

And I am finding out that in my very own profession (I am a master's level psychotherapist, so I am referring to the psychological profession), we have MANY therapists who are unwilling to FEEL THE HARSH REALITY OF ANOTHER PERSON'S PAIN. IT HURTS! A good therapist HAS TO climb into the unknown, get our hands dirty --or in our case, get our hearts dirty -- to learn the painful agony of the person sitting in front of us for psychotherapy. But MANY PSYCHOTHERAPISTS DO NOT WANT TO HURT.

For a psychotherapist to expect you to come into THEIR world, to fit into THEIR agenda for you without the PSYCHOTHERAPIST first learning first-hand the real hell in which you are living is a set-up for disaster.

If the therapist does not really "get" your reality, it will be too easy for the psychotherapist to bark out some simple formulas for you (that will not work) that fit into their preconceived notions of what a griever grapples with, and so the psychotherapist will lay out a beautifully concocted plan that she fully believes will help, leaving her feeling brilliant, but you feeling like you are coming away empty-handed at the very least. Worse, you could leave feeling shamed and hurt, and even piled-on by a therapist, on top of all the friends, and family that already misunderstand your deep grief and trauma!

It would be like going to a doctor who may hear some of the symptoms for cancer, but had rather not think you've got something that bad, so he decides to treat you for the common cold instead because the doctor doesn't want to have to deal with the ugliness and angst of cancer's reality, so he MINIMIZES your reality and treats you for what HE is more comfortable treating you for, totally disregarding any symptoms and facts that he would rather not hear because then he wouldn't be so smart and in control, and able to just bark out his simple little formulas and feel brilliant in doing so.

As an example in my field, I had a supervisor whom I had chosen out of all the local psychologists to be my supervisor because she had a good reputation with my professional peers as being a very good therapist, warm and sensitive, and not arrogant like so many therapists seem to be. But even with this wonderful woman, I was horrified one day when the following happened ~ and remember now, this was one of the best therapists I could find!

I work with a great number of people who had extremely painful childhoods, many who experienced childhood incest by their very own father or mother. So I was sharing a particular case with my supervisor (at the time, I was obligated under the law to review my cases before a supervisor for further expertise to be gleaned) about how I was working with this particular incest case. My supervisor looked at me QUITE SHOCKED, and said,

"You mean when someone tells you they have been sexually abused, you actually work with them about this problem?"

I was stopped in my tracks. I said,

"Yes! What do you do?" And she said,

"Oh, if they bring sexual abuse up, I change the subject, hoping we can talk about something else!"

And she was serious. It was the first time that I realized all therapists are not the same. And unfortunately, over the years, I am finding out that that particular attitude is not at all unusual among the profession. It hurts (like hell, literally, because you as a therapist are going down into your client's hell with them, so that you can companion them through the hell and out again into healing). So, it literally hurts like hell to hear of the worst betrayal known to mankind. But MANY therapists will not allow themselves to feel that kind of pain, so they will not work with the client's real issues!

Now, think about that a minute. Sexual child abuse is the worst betrayal known to mankind. Well Child-Loss Grief and Trauma is THE WORST GRIEF KNOWN TO MANKIND! So, how many therapists do you think are going to be willing to go down into our hellatious reality with us? Too many of them do not want to hurt, and they WILL NOT get their hands dirty climbing down into our pain so that they could feel some of it with us, and then help us find our way into healing.

So when it comes to Child-Loss, we grievers all talk often about how cruel it is when our own beloved friends and family do not really want to love us IN our pain -- they would rather we jump OUT of our painful reality and into their peachy-keen, happy reality, and THEN love us. Well, we know that doesn't work. Either climb into our reality and love us, or admit your weaknesses and bow out because you will be NO HELP trying to pull me OUT of my reality so YOU will feel better.

Well, the same goes for therapists. BE VERY CAREFUL that you find a very good therapist, counselor, or life coach who is willing to hear how bad it REALLY is for you, and who won't try to snatch you OUT of it (so that they won't have to hurt with you), and then expect you to deal with life on THEIR terms.

Loving therapy is amazing, but as amazing as good therapy can be, therapy can be equally AWFUL if the therapist just piles on with the rest of the world with their Get-over-it-quick schemes.

Wednesday's Woe - Child-Loss Grief: As Bad as We Thought it Was… It's Worse than We Thought

A new study has found that mothers who experience a stillbirth or lose a child in the first year of life are more than 4 times more likely to die or become widowed in the following decade than moms who don’t experience this type of bereavement.

Wednesday's Woe

Child-Loss Grief:

As Bad as We Thought it Was…

It's Worse than We Thought

Today, Tommy's sister (a nurse practitioner who is also a child-loss parent, having lost her newborn infant twenty-eight years ago) sent him a recent article from Medscape (dated September 22, 2011) entitled, Loss of a Baby Linked to Increased Mortality in Parents, regarding a new study published online September 1, 2011 in the British Medical Journal of Supportive and Palliative Care about child-loss bereavement being linked to increased mortality! We want to share its findings with you.

Researchers knew from former research that bereavement indeed could affect immune and cardiac functioning. Lead author Mairi Harper, Ph.D. and research fellow at University of York, United Kingdom, and her colleagues decided to research further to see whether this was true for parents who had lost a very young child.

Their study specifically looked at those parents who lost a stillborn or a newborn baby within its first year of life. They found that the mortality rate was significantly higher for bereaved parents than for non-bereaved parents of thriving babies born in the same year. Dr. Harper said,

"The outcome of mortality and death was up to 5 times higher in the bereaved parent group than the non-bereaved group."

Dr. Harper admitted such a large difference came as a "bit of a shock."

The 2-part study was the first of its kind to directly compare parents who had lost a child in the first year of life to parents who gave birth during the same period but whose child lived.

"The analysis showed that fathers of babies who died faced just as high risk for death as the mothers. The level of mortality was the same for both (sexes of the bereaved parents)," Dr. Harper said.

Dr. Harper also found upon further analysis of her study,

"A stillbirth is just as devastating as losing a child who lives for a short time. There was no difference at all in outcomes for (the bereaved) parents in those two groups."

She further concluded in her analysis of their study,

"Cause of death, whether illness or accident, also didn’t make a difference (in the mortality rate outcome of the bereaved parents)."

Picture, thanks to GrievingMothers

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/750262?