Thursday, May 9, 2013

Thursday's Therapy - Complex Grief, Depression, or Bereavement? ~David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC







Thursday's Therapy

Complex Grief, Depression, or Bereavement?

~David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC







Is it Complex Grief, Depression, or Bereavement?

Posted on April 22, 2012

~David Joel Miller,
Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor




Just what is Complex Grief, compound grief and why have people been asking about them recently?

Complex grief is also called complicated grief, traumatic grief, prolonged grief, chronic grief or extreme grief.

The Idea behind Compound grief and its many other labels is that while most everyone experiences grief at some point in their life, sometimes that grief becomes debilitating and people with these issues need help. The questions become, is this a mental illness and how should people with severe grief issues be helped.

One thing therapy shouldn’t do is turn everyone into a mental patient and start requiring treatment for all. In professional lingo this is called pathologizing clients. There is plenty to do helping people who genuinely need help so we don’t need to enlarge the number of disorders just to keep counselors busy.

Grief is a normal part of life. People we love die. The loss of a close family member should make you sad. When does this move from a normal part of life to a disorder requiring treatment. And who should pay for this? Insurance companies may cover necessary treatment but they will draw the line if normal human emotions become the subject of treatment. The more diseases we create the more health care will cost. Besides if someone really has extreme impairment as a result of bereavement that becomes Major Depression and gets treated right? Not exactly. 

Currently grief is excluded from the DSM-4 criteria for depression. The reasoning for this was that if everyone is likely to experience this sooner or later then it is not a mental illness. Just how much the death of a family member is expected to affect us is mostly a result of culture. Some cultures (mourn) for a year or more. The widow or widower wears black and is granted time to grieve their loss.

In western society we limit grief to 60 days. Many other acute life events are limited to 30 days. After that you are supposed to get back to work and living. Since the DSM guide to mental illnesses is published by the American Psychiatric Association it reflects American and western values. That may not be appropriate for people of other cultures regardless of where they live.   

Currently the loss of a close person is included in the DSM as V62.82 Bereavement. V codes normally are not covered by most insurance plans. At least two factions are working to change this.  

Those who are working on the new DSM-5 report that Complex grief is a disorder proposed by groups outside the APA which is being considered. Additionally people within the APA have suggested removing the exclusion for grief from the definition of Major Depressive Disorder. That would result in more people who have severe symptoms as a result of grief getting treatment under the Depression code. I suspect that in practice most clinicians after a while go ahead and give the diagnosis of depression, grief or no, after the client has had problems for a while.


But there is another problem with all this increasing of treatment for grieving people. A specialty is growing up of practitioners who say they specialize in “grief counseling.” The research has not been kind to some of those “Grief counselors.” Some grief counseling seems to do more harm than good. 

Personally I am all for helping people who need help but the idea that we might evolve a sub specialty of counselors who are doing harm not good worries me. Complex grief is not the only area where we have a risk of doing more harm than good. 

Some of the treatments for PTSD and other trauma counseling have the potential to make the victim relive the experience… rather than allowing them to heal. The repeated exposure to the trauma may retraumatize the client and (make) them worse.


Not everyone who experiences the loss of a loved one has symptoms we might call complex grief. People with a past history of Major Depression are more likely to become depressed again if someone close to them dies. So is this a new disorder “complex grief” or is this a reemergence of Major Depression? Add a second stressor like financial problems, divorce, alcoholism or addiction and the loss of a loved one is more likely to affect peoples functioning.

People with multiple losses are more at risk and so are people who have a loss in early life and then experience a loss again. If you lose a parent as a child, are you more likely to feel sad when someone else dies in your life? Does that make the second loss a mental illness?

Men and women differ in they way they show grief, so do people of different cultures. We would want to avoid creating a mental illness that only one sex or culture gets diagnosed with. But then we already have several that are more likely to be given to (women) than men.  Does that mean that there is a difference in the mental health of one sex or the other or only that we are defining the emotions of women and ways they express them as a mental illness.

Professionals don’t all agree on this.

So what do I think will happen? Wish my crystal ball was clearer. My guess is that we will not add complex grief as a new disorder. The APA looks poised to soften the criteria for Major Depression and let some people who are suffering from depression as a result of a traumatic loss get more help.

I also expect to see more peer and self-help groups with or without professional assistance.

So what do you think? 

Is complex different than normal grief? 
Should it be a separate diagnosed mental illness or is it a normal human emotion?



~~~



This post was featured in “Best of Blog – May 2012” 

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and co-occurring disorders see the "about the author page." about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog there is also a Facebook authors page, in its infancy, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. Thanks to all who read this blog.


~~~


This post came out over a year ago. We know now that this writer's prediction did not prevail. He had said, "My guess is that we will not add complex grief as a new disorder." To the contrary, this very month, May, 2013, the new DSM comes out, the "DSM V," and it does indeed add "Complicated Grief" as a "disorder."  

Tommy and I, both trained in counseling psychology, and both grieving parents, are concerned with this added "diagnosis" as we know ~as child-loss parents- that what is being termed "Complicated Grief," and added as a diagnostic "disorder," is, in fact, the NORM for Child-Loss Grief and Trauma.  

Life-long grief is to be expected and adapted to, and should therefore not be coined as a "disorder," adding to the further pathologizing of Child-Loss Grievers that this culture already tends to do when we are struggling with our very normal grief...


~~~













Pictures, thanks to ~The Compassionate Friends of Atlanta Siblings Group  


Article from CounselorsSoapbox.com
http://counselorssoapbox.com/2012/04/22/is-it-complex-grief-depression-or-bereavement/


Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Wednesday's Woe - The Temporariness of Grief's Reprieve… ~Tommy and Angie Prince






Wednesday's Woe

The Temporariness of Grief's Reprieve…

~Tommy and Angie Prince







It has been 6 3/4 years… What is any different in our grief over the loss of our beloved nineteen-year-old daughter?


~Wings of Hope-Living Forward



Not much really. Yes, we can function a little better. And yet, we are forever different.

And we do have breaks away from the heaviness of our grief, but there will never be any such thing as any end to our grief!


We can catch temporary breaks away from our grief, like Angie and I do when we keep our grand-daughter Ellie. But… the next day, you can count on it; the grief will come back with a vengeance. Our tears will start flowing before we even realize the particulars of what our grief is about… 




~Wings of Hope-Living Forward



Early on in our grief, when we found we had at least enough attention-span to watch a movie, we would experience a momentary break away from grief once the movie started, but as soon as the music came on signaling the end of the movie, we both would start weeping. We could not face going back into a reality where our child was not…





~Wings of Hope-Living Forward



The difference between now and then? 



~Out of the Ashes 



The reprieves can be a little longer now…





~grieving mothers ~Sharon Lee Hoover and ~Jill Compton



but still they are just temporary reprieves from our life-long grief ...










Graphic of swing, thanks to ~Angels at My Door

Monday, May 6, 2013

Tuesday's Trust - "See How Much He Loved Him… " - Tears are the "Yes" of a Broken Heart







Tuesday's Trust

"See How Much He Loved Him… "

Tears are the "Yes" of a Broken Heart







From the book of John, chapter 11…


32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet and said, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 

34 “Where have you laid him?” He asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.




35 Jesus wept.

36 Then the Jews said, 

“See how He loved him!”








"Though we encounter it as suffering, grief is in fact an affirmation. The indifferent do not grieve, the uncommitted do not grieve, the loveless do not grieve. We mourn only the loss of what we have loved and what we have valued, and in this way mourning darkly refreshes our knowledge of the causes of our loves and the reasons for our values. Our sorrow restores us to the splendors of our connectedness to people and to principles. It is the yes of a broken heart. In our bereavement we discover how much was ruptured by death, and also how much was not ruptured. These tears lead directly to introspection."  

~Leon Wieseltier, The New Republic’s literary editor











Artwork, thanks to ~Far Side of the Rainbow
Picture of Jesus crying, thanks to GoodSalt.com

Sunday, May 5, 2013

International Bereaved Mothers Day - May 5, 2013







International Bereaved Mothers Day

May 5, 2013









I will tell you a story
about a mother...
how her voice trembles
when she speaks his name
how her heart aches
just to hear his voice
how the tears gather in her soul
whenever she wears her mask
and how her love burns bright
with a fire she can't tame

I will tell you a story of my heart

~TeriAnn Sargent
Jarred's mum


~~~



Be aware that this will be a long and difficult journey. . .
Just when things begin to look better, the calendar slaps 
you with another reminder of your loss.
Sometimes the pain will be deeper five years after the loss.
As the Chinese proverb says: "We can't stop the birds from
flying over our heads, but we can stop them from
nesting in our hair."
Don't shut yourself down from the pain.
The feelings you bury will not go away;
They will hide below the surface for years to come,
but sooner or later, they will erupt without warning,
in ways that can affect your physical
and mental health.
Grief itself is not a feeling;
It is a process that can take a lifetime,
a slow journey towards acceptance and peace.

~Wings of Hope


~~~



Do You Need Me?
I Am There . . .


You cannot see Me, yet I am the Light you see by.
You cannot hear Me yet I speak through your voice.
You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.

I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.
I am at work, though you do not understand My works.
I am not strange visions. I am not mysteries.

Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you 
know Me
as I am, and then but as a feeling and a faith.

Yet I am there. Yet I hear. Yet I answer.
When you need Me, I am there.
Even in your fears, I am there.
Even in your pain, I am there.


~Author Unknown


~~~



"Be still and know that I am God! 
I will be honored by every nation. 
I will be honored throughout the world."

~Psalm 46:10



~~~







Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 
the Father of mercies 
and God of all comfort; 
who comforts us in all our affliction…

~2 Corinthians 1:3-4









Monday's Mourning Ministry - Holes in the Floor of Heaven ~Steve Wariner







Monday's Mourning Ministry

Holes in the Floor of Heaven

~Steve Wariner









Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

~Steve Wariner




One day shy of 8 years old, (my) Grandma passed away,
I was a broken hearted little boy, blowin' out that birthday cake.
How I cried when the sky let go, with a cold and lonesome rain,
Momma smiled, said, "Don't be sad child, Grandma's watchin' you today!"

[Chorus]
'Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven and her tears are pourin' down
That's how you know she's watchin', wishing she could be here now.
And sometimes if you're lonely, just remember she can see,
There's holes in the floor of heaven, and she's watchin' over you and me.

Seasons come and seasons go, nothing stays the same.
I grew up, fell in love, met a girl who took my name.
Year by year, we made a life in this sleepy little town.
I thought we'd grow old together ~ Lord I sure do miss her now!

But there's holes in the floor of heaven, and her tears are pourin' down.
That's how I know she's watchin', wishing she could be here now.
And sometimes when I'm lonely, I remember she can see,
There's holes in the floor of heaven, and she's watchin' over you and me.

Well my little girl is 23, I walk her down the aisle,
It's a shame her mom can't be here now, to see her lovely smile.
They throw the rice, I catch her eye,
As the rain starts comin' down.
She takes my hand says, "Daddy don't be sad, 'cause I know Momma is watchin' now!
And there's holes in the floor of heaven, and her tears are pourin' down,
thats how you know she's watchin', wishin' she could be here now."
And sometimes when I'm lonely, I remember she can see,
Yes, there's holes in the floor of heaven, and she's watchin' over you and me.

Watchin' over you and me
Watchin' over you and me
Watchin' over you and me
















Picture, thanks to ~Your Inner Sparkle, and ~Out of the Ashes
Grief Video: http://youtu.be/gPGmzyH2nI4

Friday, May 3, 2013

Saturday's Sayings - "What Other Answer Would Suffice?"






Saturday's Sayings 

"What Other Answer Would Suffice?"











~Safehaven For Widowed




“For in grief nothing 'stays put.' One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? 

"But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? 

"How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, 'I never realized my loss till this moment?' The same leg is cut off time after time.” 





~~~~~





~Safehaven For Widowed



“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process. 

"It needs not a map but a history...” 





~~~~~





~Safehaven For Widowed



“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. 

"At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” 





~~~~~





~Safehaven For Widowed




“If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her.  

"But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.” 





~~~~~





~Hers to Treasure



“...My idea of God is a not divine idea. It has to be shattered from time to time. He shatters it Himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence?..” 



“Reality the iconoclast once more. Heaven will solve our problems, but not, I think, by showing us subtle reconciliations between all our apparently contradictory notions. The notions will all be knocked from under our feet. We shall see that there never was any problem.” 



“If my house has collapsed at one blow, that is because it was a house of cards. The faith which 'took these things into account' was not faith but imagination.” 



“I know now, Lord, why You utter no answer. You are Yourself the answer. Before Your face questions die away.  
"What other answer would suffice?” 











Pictures, thanks to ~Grieving Mother Dani, ~ Safehaven For Widowed and ~ Hers To Treasure 
C.S. Lewis Quotes, thanks to goodreads.com

Friday's Faith - "A Long Bitter Prayer that Was Answered Finally"





Friday's Faith

"A Long Bitter Prayer 
that Was Answered Finally"








“These people who can see right through you never quite do you justice, because they never give you credit for the effort you're making to be better than you actually are, which is difficult and well meant and deserving of some little notice.” 






"(People) make you doubt yourself, which, depending on cases, can be a severe distraction and a waste of time. This is a thing I wish I had understood much earlier than I did. Just to reflect on it makes me a little irritated. Irritation is a form of anger, I recognize that. 

......."One great benefit of a religious vocation is that it helps you concentrate. It gives you a good basic sense of what is being asked of you and also what you might as well ignore. If I have any wisdom to offer, this is a fair part of it."

~Marilynne Robinson, Gilead








“But I believe also the rewards of obedience are great, because at the root of real honor is always a sense of the sacredness of the person who is the object...

"When you love someone to the degree you love her, you see her as God sees her, and that is an instruction in the nature of God and humankind and of Being itself.” 







"I don't know what to say except that the worst misfortune isn't only misfortune---and even as I write those words, I have that infant Rebecca in my mind, the way she looked while I held her, which I seem to remember, because every single time I have christened a baby I have thought of her again. The feeling of a baby's brow against the palm of your hand---how I have loved this life... I laid my hand on her just to bless her, and I could feel her pulse, her warmth, the damp of her hair. The Lord said, 'Their angels in Heaven always see the face of my Father in Heaven' (Matthew 18:11).... Many people have found comfort in that verse."

~Marilynne Robinson, Gilead







......."I don't think it was resentment I felt then. It was some sort of loyalty to my own life, as if I wanted to say, I have a wife, too, I have a child, too. It was as if the price of having them was losing them, and I couldn't bear the implication that even that price could be too high."

~Marilynne Robinson, Gilead








“They say an infant can't see when it is as young as your sister was, but she opened her eyes, and she looked at me. She was such a little bit of a thing. But while I was holding her, she opened her eyes. I know she didn't really study my face. Memory can make a thing seem to have been much more than it was. But I know she did look right into my eyes. That is something. And I'm glad I knew it at the time, because now, in my present situation, now that I am about to leave this world, I realize there is nothing more astonishing than a human face... 
"You feel your obligation to a child when you have seen it and held it. Any human face is a claim on you, because you can't help but understand the singularity of it, the courage and loneliness of it. But this is truest of the face of an infant. I consider that to be one kind of vision, as mystical as any.” 







"As you read this, I hope you will understand that when I speak of the long night that preceded these days of my happiness, I do not remember grief and loneliness so much as I do peace and comfort---grief, but never without comfort; loneliness, but never without peace. Almost never."

~Marilynne Robinson, Gilead







 "I pulled down old John Donne, who has in fact meant a lot to me all these years. 'One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally, / And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.' There are some very fine lines in Donne. I hope you will read him, if you have not read him yet."

~Marilynne Robinson, Gilead








“I'd never have believed I'd see a wife of mine doting on a child of mine. It still amazes me every time I think of it. I'm writing this in part to tell you that if you ever wonder what you've done in your life, and everyone does wonder sooner or later, you have been God's grace to me, a miracle, something more than a miracle. You may not remember me very well at all, and it may seem to you to be no great thing to have been the good child of an old man in a shabby little town you will no doubt leave behind. If only I had the words to tell you.” 







“If we can (be) divinely fed with a morsel and divinely blessed with a touch, then the terrible pleasure we find in a particular face can certainly instruct us in the nature of the very grandest love.” 






“It has seemed to me sometimes as though the Lord breathes on this poor gray ember of Creation and it turns to radiance - for a moment or a year or the span of a life. And then it sinks back into itself again, and to look at it no one would know it had anything to do with fire, or light .... 
Wherever you turn your eyes the world can shine like transfiguration. You don't have to bring a thing to it except a little willingness to see. Only, who could have the courage to see it? .... 
Theologians talk about a prevenient grace that precedes grace itself and allows us to accept it. I think there must also be a prevenient courage that allows us to be brave - that is, to acknowledge that there is more beauty than our eyes can bear, that precious things have been put into our hands and to do nothing to honor them is to do great harm.” 







..............Time, like an ever-rolling stream,
..............Bears all its sons away;
..............They fly forgotten, as a dream
..............Dies at the opening day.


"Good ole Isaac Watts. I've thought about that verse often. I have always wondered what relationship this present reality bears to an ultimate reality.


..............A thousand ages in Thy sight
..............Are like an evening gone ...


"No doubt that is true. Our dream of life will end as dreams end, abruptly and completely, when the sun rises, when the light comes. And we will think, All that fear and grief were about nothing. But that cannot be true. I can't believe we will forget our sorrows altogether. That would mean forgetting that we had lived, humanly speaking. Sorrow seems to me to be a great substance of human life. For example, at this very moment I feel a kind of loving grief for you as you read this...."

~Marilynne Robinson, Gilead







“I am grateful for all those dark years, even though in retrospect they seem like a long, bitter prayer that was answered finally.” 















Picture, thanks to ~ Safehaven For Widowed
Quotes, thanks to goodreads.com from ~Marilynne Robinson, Gilead


Thursday, May 2, 2013

Thursday's Therapy - "Good Grief" ~The New York Times





Thursday's Therapy

"Good Grief"




Just a reminder, there is a flip side to the opinion shared by the psychologist from last week's Thursday's Therapy, so we wanted to share this vantage point this week so that you can decide where your thoughts more closely align...



Opinion

OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR
The New York Times
Good Grief
By ALLEN FRANCES
Published: August 14, 2010

Coronado, Calif.


Cyprian Koscielniak

A startling suggestion is buried in the fine print describing proposed changes for the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders — perhaps better known as the D.S.M. 5, the book that will set the new boundary between mental disorder and normality. If this suggestion is adopted, many people who experience completely normal grief could be mislabeled as having a psychiatric problem.

Suppose your spouse or child died two weeks ago and now you feel sad, take less interest and pleasure in things, have little appetite or energy, can’t sleep well and don’t feel like going to work. In the proposal for the D.S.M. 5, your condition would be diagnosed as a major depressive disorder.

This would be a wholesale medicalization of normal emotion, and it would result in the overdiagnosis and overtreatment of people who would do just fine if left alone to grieve with family and friends, as people always have. It is also a safe bet that the drug companies would quickly and greedily pounce on the opportunity to mount a marketing blitz targeted to the bereaved and a campaign to “teach” physicians how to treat mourning with a magic pill.
It is not that psychiatrists are in bed with the drug companies, as is often alleged. The proposed change actually grows out of the best of intentions. Researchers point out that, during bereavement, some people develop an enduring case of major depression, and clinicians hope that by identifying such cases early they could reduce the burdens of illness with treatment.

This approach could help those grievers who have severe and potentially dangerous symptoms — for example, delusional guilt over things done to or not done for the deceased, suicidal desires to join the lost loved one, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, restless agitation, drastic weight loss or a complete inability to function. When things get this bad, the need for a quick diagnosis and immediate treatment is obvious. But people with such symptoms are rare, and their condition can be diagnosed using the criteria for major depression provided in the current manual, the D.S.M. IV.

What is proposed for the D.S.M. 5 is a radical expansion of the boundary for mental illness that would cause psychiatry to intrude in the realm of normal grief. Why is this such a bad idea? First, it would give mentally healthy people the ominous-sounding diagnosis of a major depressive disorder, which in turn could make it harder for them to get a job or health insurance.

Then there would be the expense and the potentially harmful side effects of unnecessary medical treatment. Because almost everyone recovers from grief, given time and support, this treatment would undoubtedly have the highest placebo response rate in medical history. After recovering while taking a useless pill, people would assume it was the drug that made them better and would be reluctant to stop taking it. Consequently, many normal grievers would stay on a useless medication for the long haul, even though it would likely cause them more harm than good.

The bereaved would also lose the benefits that accrue from letting grief take its natural course. What might these be? No one can say exactly. But grieving is an unavoidable part of life — the necessary price we all pay for having the ability to love other people. Our lives consist of a series of attachments and inevitable losses, and evolution has given us the emotional tools to handle both.

In this we are not unique. Chimpanzees, elephants and other mammals have their own ways of mourning. Humans have developed complicated and culturally determined grieving rituals that no doubt date from at least as far back as the Neanderthal burial pits that were consecrated tens of thousands of years ago. It is essential, not unhealthy, for us to grieve when confronted by the death of someone we love.

Turning bereavement into major depression would substitute a shallow, Johnny-come-lately medical ritual for the sacred mourning rites that have survived for millenniums. To slap on a diagnosis and prescribe a pill would be to reduce the dignity of the life lost and the broken heart left behind. Psychiatry should instead tread lightly and only when it is on solid footing.

There is still time to keep the suggested change from entering the D.S.M. 5, which will not be published until May 2013. The task force preparing the new manual could adopt a more cautious and modest estimation of the reach of psychiatry and its appropriate grasp.

For the few bereaved who are severely impaired or at risk of suicide, doctors can already apply the diagnosis of major depression. But don’t change the rules for everyone else. Let us experience the grief we need to feel without being called sick.

Allen Frances, an emeritus professor and former chairman of psychiatry at Duke University, was the chairman of the task force that created the fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.









Article: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/15/opinion/15frances.html?_r=1&emc=tnt&tntemail1=y

Wednesday's Woe - "Snapped Shut to Grace"






Wednesday's Woe

"Snapped Shut to Grace"


~Ann Voskamp








“Losses do that. One life-loss can infect the whole of a life. Like a rash that wears through our days, our sight becomes peppered with black voids. Now everywhere we look, we only see all that isn’t: holes, lack, deficiency.” 

~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts


~~~




For decades, a life, I continue to flail and strive and come up so seemingly … empty. I haven't lived up to my christening.

Maybe in those first few years my life slowly opened, curled like cupped hands, a receptacle open to the gifts God gives. But of those years, I have no memories. They say memory jolts awake with trauma's electricity. That would be the year I turned four. The year when blood pooled and my sister died and I, all of us, snapped shut to grace.


Standing at the side porch window, watching my parents' stunned bending, I wonder if my mother had held me in those natal moments of naming like she held my sister in death.

In November light, I see my mother and father sitting on the back porch step rocking her swaddled body in their arms. I press my face to the kitchen window, the cold glass, and watch them, watch their lips move, not with sleep prayers, but with pleas for waking, whole and miraculous. It does not come. The police do. They fill out reports. Blood seeps through that blanket bound. I see that too, even now.

Memory's surge burns deep.

That staining of her blood scorches me, but less than the blister of seeing her uncovered, lying there. She had only toddled into the farm lane, wandering after a cat, and I can see the delivery truck driver sitting at the kitchen table, his head in his hands, and I remember how he sobbed that he had never seen her. But I still see her, and I cannot forget. Her body, fragile and small, crushed by a truck's load in our farmyard, blood soaking into the thirsty, track-beaten earth. That's the moment the cosmos shifted, shattering any cupping of hands. …


~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are








Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Tuesday's Trust - Hold Onto Your Love for Your Child...







Tuesday's Trust

Hold Onto Your Love for Your Child...







Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

~1 Corinthians 13:13, NLT




What things last Forever? Faith, Hope, and Love, but "the greatest of these is Love…"


Hold onto your love for each of your children, no matter where they are! Don't let anyone put your love for your child who is now deceased down. God values our love more than anything; after all, He even proclaims He IS love! 


God implanted that love for our child in our hearts, and there is Nothing wrong with it, no matter how many people get uncomfortable with it, and want you to shut it down… 


Love lasts forever, and will go with you to greet your child. 


Let YOUR LOVE grow as much as it will, for it is the One thing that you can take with you into Heaven and it will never leave you, nor will it ever leave your child! 


Three things last forever---Faith, Hope, and Love---but the greatest of these is Love...









 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 

~1 Corinthians 13:8 NLT











Pictures, thanks to ~Hers To Treasure and ~Followers of Christ
Scriptures, NLT = New Living Translation