Friday's Faith - In the Process of Forgiving...

Friday's Faith

In the Process of Forgiving...

Remembering back to a couple of posts about my frustrations with some of the people in Merry Katherine's life, I know that I promised you a follow up. I wanted to let you know where I am in that forgiveness process...

But first, here are the excerpts in which I first talked about my dilemma about the people in her life who I felt might have been an influence for the good -- if they hadn't been so full of themselves... (I frustratingly called them the "'so-called' Christians who thought they had no problems.")

From

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 23, 2010

Wednesday's Woe - Weighted Down By the If-Only's...

(Excerpt)

...Make her change her friends?

At the time, I could understand her choice of friends - they certainly didn't seem to be out-and-out criminals: They were risk-takers like her; they were physically-active, vivacious, fun people!

The people I had thought were "nice" people turned out to be stuck-up twits, in love with their own self-righteousness. She could smell that pretension miles away (and if that's who they really were, I'm glad for her discernment). And now, after her dabbling into m.a.r.i.j.u.a.n.a? They would certainly think they were "better" than her...

I can just hear a little self-righteous, pompous twit, with a hidden sin like say, an addictive eating disorder (i.e., NONE of us is perfect!), justifying herself to herself:

Marijuana?! Why, that's unacceptable! But my hidden eating disorder... No one knows, so it doesn't count. I can still hang with the self-righteous. I might even have a chance of being a LEADER of the self-righteous since I don't have a shadow-side to speak of...

...justifies the addicted, eating-disordered Pharisee to herself...

If that's who they really were...unloving Pharisees (Or was this the rationalization of a child already headed toward addictive, "stinking" thinking?),

I wouldn't have wanted to be friends with them either...

So really, we couldn't win...

Real kids with real problems OR "so-called" Christians who thought they had no problems (i.e., Pharisees who'd say,"Lord, thank you that I am not like that despicable sinner over there...") —

Even Jesus was disgusted with the latter and sought out the former.

He made it clear that living by the "letter of the law" within our own power is deadly. Legalism kills... (It certainly does, spiritually-speaking, which, in my opinion, is THE most important aspect of our lives, more important to our Savior than earthly life itself...)

And yet, it was a No-Win situation.

She was repulsed by the

unloving-folks-who-"called"-themselves-Christians, but-who-detested-the-very-people-she-cared-about, her "Jesus-on-the-street."

And yet, her choice to hang out with this other kind of friend was what ultimately...killed her...

From

FRIDAY, JULY 9, 2010

Friday's Faith - "Princess of Quite-A-Lot" Prays...

(Excerpt)

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

(even those little "twit" Pharisees that I wrote about on a recent Wednesday's Woe? I'll write more on that later...)

*****

Okay, here is the "later"...

In the Process of Forgiving...

If you were to ask me,

Of the people who were in Merry Katherine's life during her teenage years,

With whom are you more angry...

The Drugged One who stole her life...

Or the Unloving Evangelical Pharisees who tormented her soul?

I'm afraid to say...but right now...

I am more angry with...

The Unloving Evangelical Pharisees,

for if they had any glance of God,

THEY should have known better!

Instead, they were so full of themselves,

there was no room for God to shine through...

Aaagh! And if she needed to find friends,

they sure wouldn't be the ones she would pick...

So right now...in my mind...

the Self-Righteous, Unloving Evangelical Pharisees

They are the biggest twits out there.

And I am furious. furious. furious.

And yet God, You revealed Yourself

to her anyway. (I cry with gratitude as I write this!)

And she knew You.

She loved You. You embraced her.

So why can't I let it go?

Help me to forgive. And then,

Will I ever forget?

But then, even our Lord was f.u.r.i.o.u.s.

at the moneychangers in His Father's

temple who were selling their own

wares for their own gain instead

of lifting eyes up to the

Living Lord, the Only God who could save His people...

Even HE was angry

And for good reason...

I will pray for the Pharisees:

Lord, please save them from themselves,

and stop them from their selfish pride.

Show them Yourself, and surely they will

throw their selfish pride down at the foot of Your cross,

and fall to their knees,

and beg You for forgiveness...

Forgive us all Lord.

No matter the form of our sin,

"We ALL like sheep have gone astray,

each of us has turned to his own way,

and the Lord has laid on Him

the i.n.i.q.u.i.t.y if us all." ~Isaiah 53:6

He forgave...even a sinner like me.

The least I can do is forgive those

who sin against me...

and against my baby...

who would remind me

She was a sinner too, in need of Your grace,

And You showered it so freely on her.

Thank You God for Your love.

May You pour Your love through me.

Thank You that You shower

Your love, Your grace, Your forgiveness

on me even now.

Although as a group, the Pharisees repulse me,

when I think of the precious individuals

who are so blinded by their own magnificence,

I can pray, "Father, forgive them, for they

know not what they do."

Image: http://www.biblical-art.com/artwork.asp?id_artwork=31746&showmode=Full

Thursday's Therapy - 25 Major Reactions Socially After Your Child's Traumatic Death ~Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., Complicated Mourning - Part Six

Thursday's Therapy

25 Major Reactions Socially After Your Child's Traumatic Death

~Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., Complicated Mourning

Part Six

What are Some of the Major Reactions we might Expect After the Traumatic Distress of our Child-Loss?

Over these several weeks, we are walking through many of the myriad ways that Child-Loss grief and mourning may be impacting you. As we have said before, since we are multi-dimensional people, grief and trauma will impact us multi-dimensionally! As you probably have observed by now, grief is not the one-dimensional creature we thought it was before we began going through child-loss. Unfortunately, those around you still think your grief should be one-dimensional and therefore fairly easily worked through. So when the expectations around you begin to feel "crazy-making" to you, perhaps you can pull out these lists to remind yourself why this grief is so complicated and therefore so long-term!

Several Dimensions of our Child-Loss Grief:

• Psychological
• Cognitive/Mental
• Behavioral
• Social
• Physical
• Spiritual

Since each of these Dimensions of our Grief entails myriad symptoms, we are addressing one dimension of Child-Loss Grief each week. Today, we look at the Social Dimension of Child-Loss Grief due to our coping with both Trauma and Loss.

25 Major Social Reactions You May Have After Your Child's Traumatic Death:

The first 15 of these are from Dr. Rando, 2011 (In print).

The last 10 of these reactions are from observations made by Tommy and me as we grieve:

Dr. Therese Rando's 15 Major Social Reactions of Child-Loss Grief

1. Lack of interest in other people due to preoccupation with one's beloved child and the loss
2. Lack of interest in usual social activities
3. Social withdrawal from others, Distancing from others
4. Decreased interest for relationships
5. Being critical of others
6. Manifestations of anger with others
7. Loss of or changes in usual patterns of social interaction
8. Feeling alienated from others
9. Feeling detached from others
10. Feeling estranged from others
11. Jealousy of others without loss
12. Clinginess and Dependency on others in some grievers, (More Independence needed by other grievers)
13. Avoidance of being alone in some, (Increased need for Alone time in others)
14. Decreased motivation, energy, direction for relationships
15. Increased manifestations of irritation with others

~Rando, 2011 (In Print)

(Parenthetical notes in numbers 12, 13 mine)

The Princes' 10 Additional Major Social Reactions of Child-Loss Grief:

1. Hypervigilance toward potential threat from other people
2. Feeling less understood by others in regard to the depths and demands of child-loss grief, Feeling like an outcast, or like we're walking through a parallel universe to those civilians who live outside our Child-Loss-Grief "War"
3. Heightened awareness of toxicity of persons in order to discern which relationships are now safe
4. Increased desire for relationships with other child-loss grievers
5. Increased fear of hurting others due to our own awareness of how others' insensitivities have hurt us
6. Increased or Decreased compassion toward others depending on the unique inclinations of each griever
7. Increased desire to hear, read, or learn about the particular grief reactions of other child-loss grievers
8. Seeking new relationships from a broader audience than one's family, church or community by searching for like-minded people via the internet or other avenues
9. Not comfortable being in large crowds
10. Feeling that being around other child-loss grievers is where one can be more real during deep grief: As one child-loss grieving mother said to me,

"When I go to work, that is not reality; when I am around other child-loss grievers, THAT is reality!"

~a fellow grieving mother

~Tommy and Angie Prince

Image from http://www.fotosearch.com/BDX364/bxp125338/

Content excerpts from July 9 and 10, 2010 Lectures by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D. in Chattanooga, Tennessee, Also to be published in 2011

Wednesday's Woe - Grief Screams, "Release the Hounds!"

Wednesday's Woe

Grief Screams,

"Release the Hounds!"

If Child-Loss Grief isn't hard enough

With tears and heart's anguish doubling you over,

Add to that loss, unresolved Childhood stuff,

Like heart's painful sediment layered over

By years of life's experiences,

Like settled, sedentary rock~Covert Hurt~

Tucked so far under, one hardly flinches

As what-you-wish-were covers what-you-wish-weren't.

But deep hurt like molten rock stirs grief's pot

With childhood angst you'd thought was now gone,

Till Vesuvius of Hurt you'd thought was not

Spews out with angst, with its gutteral moan,

Making what was already debilitating

Cope with agonizing lava infiltrating...

As one loss surfaces, another bounds...

It's as if your body screams, "Release the Hounds!"

Poem - Grief Screams, "Release the Hounds!" - Angie Bennett Prince - 8/24/10

"Now that the double doors have been thrown wide open with your Child-Loss Grief, Childhood Pain spots a weakness in the surface through which it can gush, screaming, "Me, too; Me, too!"

~Tommy Prince

It seems all our pain ~every bit of it, now screams for relief...

Image: Thank you to Steve Nash Photography found at

http://www.greyhound-data.com/greyhound/958584/514/Greyhound_Agassis_Ace-big.jpg

Poem - Grief Screams, "Release the Hounds" - Angie Bennett Prince 8/24/10

Tuesday's Trust - Never Letting Go...

Tuesday's Trust

Never Letting Go...

These were helpful readings as I read today from our Knoxville Compassionate Friends newsletter sent to us this month:

What I Need

A lot of time!

A little space,

A kind of quiet

Resting place,

Are what I need

At times like these

A special spot

Where I can

Grieve.

~Beth Pinion, TCF/Andalusia, AL

***

An important way to cope with grief

is having an outlet, be it interpersonal, be it artistic,

that will allow you to not have to contain your grief,

but will give you an opportunity to express it,

to externalize it to some degree. ~

~R, Benyamin Cirlin,

Grief Counselor

***

Comes the Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the strength of an adult, not the grief of a child, and learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure ...

that you are really strong

and you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn ...

with every goodbye you learn.

~Dani Rohr

TCF/Ventura, CA

*****

After reading "Comes the Dawn," I wrote the following poem:

Never Letting Go...

Holding a hand, you never want to let go,

But bodies die, and they must go.

But what I have learned with my child's death

Is that Life doesn't end with her last breath...

Though she had to leave, and my heart has a hole,

She comes back, for there's still Life in her soul!

And to my Baby Girl, I say...

Though I held your hand, there were no guarantees,

And though I held you near, I couldn't chain your soul,

Though I kissed you and said, "I don't want you to go!"

Kisses aren't contracts, so I had to let go...

And though your life was taken two days later,

God didn't lose~He didn't let your soul die!

So you still come by

every now and then to visit me

And then I hear you say so familiarly...

"Don't worry Mommy...Always and forever, I'll see ya later, Alligator!"

So I choke back my tears and say,

"After awhile Crocodile..."

And then my heart warms as I see you smile.

~Poem - Never Letting Go... - Angie Bennett Prince, 8/23/10

Knoxville Chapter Compassionate Friends Newsletter, excerpts from August, 2010 edition

Poem - Never Letting Go - Angie Bennett Prince - 8/23/10