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My Christmas of 2008
- Two Years Since She's Been Gone...
(The Grief Process Amidst Holiday Pain)
Two days before Christmas . . . why am I so
blue? It’s not th’ massive shopping; I've barely
stepped in a store. So why’s my heart stopping;
why is my heart heavy as lead, like my
husband’s fifty-pound dumbbells are sitting
down on it? I don’t know; I must figure
it out. The festivities are coming
soon; it’s not a time to sit around and
pout. Let me see if I can trace it back . . . .
...I think it started when I was pond’ring
sending my Christmas cards to other moms
and dads who have lost their children, too. There!
That’s it! My heart—already pulverized—
began to bleed some more: other parents
without their kids, going into Christmas
Day, a day full of memories of each
child at their happiest, jolly, bouncing
self, full of their childlike glee—now each is
gone! No wonder my lights are not yet on my
Christmas tree! My husband brought up boxes,
full of Christmas cheer; the first box that we
opened, what did we find? The stocking that
read—in Mommy’s needlepoint—“Merry Katherine,”
daintily edged with lacy white bric-a-brac;
it effectively gave our hearts a smack!
How do you put up decorations when
Your heart is feeling dead? My heart takes up
all my time, just trying to resuscitate
it. Christmas cards come rolling in, intact
with intact fam’ly pictures; (do they not
know our pain? Our picture’s not intact; it
has a giant hole where a giant heart
sat with her mischievous smile.) Each card’s a
reminder, it’s not a happy time. So,
my cards go out, no picture included,
to other parents lost in the hubbub
of the season...paying the dearest cost.
When I write their notes, my heart gets a little
heavier with each one. . . .
Now I am reminded, our Heav’nly Father
lost His Son so all of us could celebrate—
Our hearts are healed in Him; He knows our pain.
Out of love, He paved the way so we won’t
be long apart. Our family will be intact
again, joined with a merry heart, and now
He reminds me, my Merry Katherine will
have one of her merriest Christmases
ever, in Heav’n without a care, and really
it won’t be that long until we all are
There! Meanwhile, we have work to do to lead
others There. So Merry Christmas, Merry Katherine!
With all our many blessings—each family
member’s soul is intact!—I feel like a
millionaire! God, Your Son came down for us,
lived a life of suff’ring so each one in
our fam'ly could wear His family ring!
So, please cheer my heart to spread Your love 'round—
so all those “intact” fam'lies can know Your
love too, so they still will be “intact” fam'lies
when we all go Home to live with You!
3 comments:
Thank you for your honesty. My favorite time of year can be the source of so much for others, but that is what proves its goodness. Christmas reminds us of good times or sometimes the good times we miss or never were.
Father, surround this broken heart and those around her with angels delivering messages of good tidings.
I know Christmas has too be an especially hard time for you and your husband, Angie. That must be a time that hurts the most when you feel the pain of her lose and the memories come flooding in. Her very name of Joy being Merry at such a holy time of the year as we celebrate Jesus' birth. May you have the peace that passes all understanding and know that someday--heaven awaits His children. The Father loves us so much; how glorious that will be when there are no more tears----just the Joy of the Lord & sweet Merry togetherness. Love, Pearl
Thank you for commenting McProdigal and Pearl!
I appreciate your thoughts,condolences, and prayers. Holidays can indeed be so very hard and conflicting when most of the community around us is celebrating and we are so very sad...because of the "absence of her presence"!
Our broken hearts are poured out before our dear God, and He lovingly meets us in our pain. He is so faithful to console, and He allows us to have a sense of Merry Katherine's soul-presence that is so very precious. How we long to be with her, and then she is there reminding me, "Mommy, I'm right here!" You would not believe how many times that sweet voice speaking in my spirit to me has dispelled a tremendous amount of her mommy's immediate agony! God is so good to allow me to know, indeed, she "lives even though she died"! (John 11:25b "He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies.")
Thank you again for your comments, your sweet hearts, and your ministry to so many hurting people around you, including me.
May God bless you and hold you close,
Angie
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