Tuesday's Trust - New Clarity...!

Tuesday's Trust

New Clarity...!

After writing the post for you last night about my baby girl's first "visit" from Heaven, I was reminded of the clarity of that moment, that moment when I saw the peace on my baby's face, and saw her smile that beamed, from one who could only know such peace and happiness after death if she was indeed in Heaven with our God...

The clarity of that moment, realizing that my baby girl is indeed in Heaven, which I know she is, and my other two children, my sons, are going to Heaven, and my husband Tommy and I are going to Heaven, then nothing sweeter could soothe this mother's broken heart. And nothing else could give greater clarity and meaning to my life.

So last night, in the reminder of that sweet clarity, I sought out the very Scripture I quoted for you, Hebrews 12:1, and read from there through the end of Hebrews, through chapter 13, and was reminded of the clarity I have had several times since Merry Katherine's death…

And suddenly, my mind became so clear, I had a breakthrough on some of my formerly cloudy thinking that I want to share with you tonight…

First, a little bit of history...

Since Merry Katherine's death, my heart and soul, though absolutely devastated over my child's death, have been comforted by my Heavenly Father. He has faithfully come to my side when friends, family, and church people have seemingly run the other way.

We have been through the pit of hell in many ways. Our extremely strong marriage that continued to stay solid through the first two years of our raw grief, then began to go through crazy upheaval over the next two years, though our love for one another never wavered. There was one particular point in time that my husband and I hit tilt at exactly the same time, feeling a mental and emotional break of abject desperation. In fact, around that same time, another precious grieving mother whom I had met through Twitter (of all places!) a couple of years after Merry Katherine's death, was so precious to walk with me through that hell and help me hold on to sanity. (She lost her 16-year-old baby girl just two weeks before I lost my 19-year-old baby girl, so our grief process has paralleled in time, giving us a glimpse into the pattern of child-loss grief and how it takes down the grieving mothers, the grieving fathers, and even the grieving spouses of otherwise extremely tight relationships, so we recognized it was the devastation of grief with which we actually were tangling….) With her holding onto me, my husband and I made a major breakthrough in our angst and pain, and God did one of His parting of the Red Sea miracles to help us turn our course that was headed straight downward completely around.

Then after cortisol had been coursing through our bodies over those second two years after our great loss, we had to face the physical damage of grief, which for me, was an accident-proneness that comes with the brain-fog of grief, by experiencing three non-sensical accidents in which I broke at least five bones, when I had never broken a bone, ever before in my life. And then, after Tommy's cortisol coursing through his system for those two years, it left him developing high blood pressure, and then finding out he had cancer, for which he has now had major surgery, and must continue to watch it's course over the years! In the meantime, I lost both of my parents, and Tommy lost his only surviving parent (after losing his mother at his young age of 14). All of this turmoil has left us depleted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And yet God has never once left our side.

Which brings us to now...

A few weeks ago, a mother called me to help her son. Her call came when my stamina seemed to be at an all-time low. I couldn't see him at the time, so I called a number of Christian therapists in the area to see if they could possibly help. I was shocked to discover I am one of the few in town who have this particular specialty, and the others who do were completely booked up. The mother did find someone to see, but she called back a few days ago saying that the therapist didn't work out, again asking if I could help...

Upon writing last night's post and re-reading the scriptures in Hebrews 12 and 13, I was given new clarity to see that God will give me the help I need to help this precious child.

It is a relief to find this clarity as I was questioning how a broken vessel could pour out His water, forgetting...

this is THE WAY OF LIFE here, broken vessels, held by the Master, despite hurt and pain, pouring out His love on others as we completely lean on Him...

And He promises,

"Never will I leave you,

Never will I forsake you."

He has carried us through the last five years, the hardest five years of our lives...

I trust He will faithfully carry us, and help us to help others, until we walk with Him one day through all eternity!

Picture, thanks to FotoSearch.com

Monday's Mourning Ministry - I Believe ~Diamond Rio

Monday's Mourning Ministry

I Believe

~Diamond Rio

For our children who are God's children who have gone on to Heaven, they have gone from death to Life and are now a part of that Great Cloud of Witnesses talked about in Hebrews 12:1. Yesterday, I stumbled upon this song by a group with whom I was unfamiliar, and was so touched by the message of their song.

It seems when I "commune" with my baby, there are no "blockages." It is as if we truly can commune from spirit to spirit. I did not go out seeking this communion. It is more like it was a gift from my Heavenly Father to help my grief process, for He calls us to live by faith, to "see" without seeing:

At the deepest pit of my grief about four months into my grief, I was experiencing paroxysms of grief, not knowing if I was going to be able to recover from such deep grief when suddenly, I experienced an internal "vision" of my baby girl's face smiling at me, as if to remind me she is not dead, she is alive, and she is right "here" with me!!!

Glimpsing her smile of such peace and well-being that stood as such contrast to my drastic desperation as I "heard" Merry Katherine commune something along the lines of, "It's okay Mommy. I'm Here!" (Here being Heaven, and yet available to me), my grief just seemed to melt into an inner peace that "All is okay. All is really okay!"

Since that occurrence, such an experience has happened many times, each time instantly bringing a renewed peace to by grief-torn soul. This song is about the closest I have come to hearing such a sweet communion described...

I Believe

~Diamond Rio

Every now and then,

soft as breath upon my skin,

I feel you come back again,

And it's like you haven't been

gone a moment from my side,

Like the tears were never cried,

Like the hands of time were holding you and me.

And with all my heart I'm sure,

we're closer than we ever were

I don't have to hear or see,

I've got all the proof I need,

There are more than angels watching over me,

I believe,

Oh I believe.

Now, when you die, your Life goes on

It doesn't end here when you're gone

Every soul is filled with light,

It never ends here, if I'm right

Our love can even reach across eternity

I believe,

Oh I believe

Forever you're a part of me

Forever in the heart of me

I would hold you even longer, if I can

Oh the people who don't see the most,

say that I believe in ghosts

If that makes me crazy, then I am

'Cause I believe,

Oh I believe:

There are more than angels watching over me,

I believe,

Oh I believe.

Every now and then,

soft as breath upon my skin,

I feel you come back again ~

And I believe.

*****

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

~Hebrews 12:1

http://youtu.be/5vCjzJTw0ag

Saturday's Sayings - What Friends and Family Don't Know to Tell You... Unless They Too Have Lost a Child

Saturday's Sayings

What Friends and Family Don't Know to Tell You...

Unless They Too Have Lost a Child

Grieving is neither an illness

nor a pathological condition,

but rather a highly personal

and normal response

to life-changing events,

a natural process

that can lead to healing

and personal growth.

The transition through this difficult time

is the courageous journey.

~Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang in Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook

*****

"There are three needs of the griever:

To find the words for the loss,

to say the words aloud and

to know that their words have been heard."

~Victoria Alexander

*****

"Deposits of unfinished grief reside in more American hearts than I ever imagined. Until these pockets are opened and their contents aired openly, they block unimagined amounts of human growth and potential. They can give rise to bizarre and unexplained behavior which causes untold internal stress."

~Robert Kavanaugh

*****

"Grieving is a journey that teaches us how to love in a new way now that our loved one is no longer with us. Consciously remembering those who have died is the key that opens the hearts, that allows us to love them in new ways."

~Tom Attig, The Heart of Grief

*****

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches.

If suffering alone taught,

all the world would be wise,

since everyone suffers.

To suffering must be added

• mourning,
• understanding,
• patience,
• love,
• openness and
• the willingness to remain vulnerable.

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

*****

Grief still has to be worked through.

It is like walking through water.

Sometimes there are little waves lapping about my feet.

Sometimes there is an enormous breaker that knocks me down.

Sometimes there is a sudden and fierce squall.

But I know that many waters cannot quench love,

neither can the floods drown it.

We are not good about admitting grief, we Americans.

It is embarrassing.

We turn away, afraid that it might happen to us.

But it is part of life, and it has to be gone through.

~Madeleine L'Engle, in Two-Part Invention: The Story of a Marriage

*****

The heart of grief,

its most difficult challenge,

is not "letting go" of those who have died

but instead making the transition

from loving in presence

to loving in separation.

~Thomas Attig, in The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love

*****

I am a parent twice bereaved.

In one thirteen-month period

I lost my oldest son to suicide and

my youngest son to leukemia.

Grief has taught me many things about

the fragility of life

and the finality of death.

To lose that which means the most to us

is a lesson in helplessness and humility and survival.

After being stripped of any illusions

of control I might have harbored,

I had to decide what questions were still worth asking.

I quickly realized that the most obvious ones --

Why my sons? Why me? --

were as pointless as they were inevitable.

Any appeal to fairness was absurd.

I was led by my fellow sufferers,

those I loved and those who had also

endured irredeemable losses,

to find reasons to go on.

Like all who mourn

I learned an abiding hatred for the word "closure,"

with its comforting implications

that grief is a time-limited process

from which we will all recover.

The idea that I could reach a point

when I would no longer miss my child

was obscene to me and I dismissed it.

I had to accept the reality that I would

never be the same person,

that some part of my heart, perhaps the best part,

had been cut out and buried with my sons.

What was left?

Now there was a question worth contemplating.

~Gordon Livingston, M.D.,

in Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart:

Thirty True Things You Need to Know

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers

Several of the quotes are thanks to GriefHelp.com

Friday's Faith - Who Are My Brothers and Sisters?

Friday's Faith

Who Are My Brothers and Sisters?

~Angie and Tommy Prince

In this new dimension into which we have been thrown since our Child-Loss Grief, we ask ourselves, "Who is our family now?!"

Like the little bird that went around asking,

"Are you my mother? Are you my mother?"

in the famous children's book, perhaps we too are going around asking,

"Who is my family now? Are you my family? Are you my family? Are you my brother? Are you my sister?"

When I see what my family-of-origin's brothers and sisters are like nowadays, I find I have almost nothing in common with them but genetics and a relationship in common with my wonderful mother and father. Other than that, we seem to have few similarities. We are in the middle of sorting out my mother's will, and it seems my siblings have become foreigners to me, or perhaps a better analogy should be they have become pirates, in search of the "treasure" with anybody else coming near being treated as mincemeat, as perhaps they may get some of the treasure...

Having lost my child, what do I have in common with that?! I know where my "treasure" lies! It lies in relationships with my Lord and with my children, one being already in Heaven, and with others who understand such loss.

And so who are my new siblings; who is my new family? Ones who can relate to me about what is truly important...

Jesus' mother and brothers thought the Living Lord had lost His mind (!) when it was lunch time and He had not eaten, but rather, was choosing to teach the crowd gathered around Him in someone's house, so they went to the house where He was teaching to call Him home to eat. Someone came to Jesus to tell Him his mother and brothers were waiting for Him outside. Jesus looked around the room and asked,

"Who are My mother and My brothers? Whoever does God's will is My brother and sister and mother."

~See Mark 3:20-35

"Family Tree," by Norman Rockwell

"Freedom from Want", March 6, 1943 ~Norman Rockwell:

http://www.best-norman-rockwell-art.com/norman-rockwell-saturday-evening-post-article-1943-03-06-freedom-from-want.html

"Family Tree", October 24,1959 ~Norman Rockwell:

http://cache2.artprintimages.com/p/SML/52/5271/ORPZG00Z/art-print/norman-rockwell-family-tree-october-24-1959.jpg

Thursday's Therapy - You Must Go Down Before You Can Go Up

Thursday's Therapy

You Must Go Down Before You Can Go Up!

In working with a client this week, I became aware again of this new dimension into which you and I have been called to live. This client, too, has experienced great loss, loss of a child, loss of a step-child, loss of a spouse, and in this current economy, a now greatly diminished form of his business. He was saying that it is hard to remain positive with potential clients because he is ever aware of his depressing circumstances when he is attempting to make the sale of how wonderful his business and his services can be for this potential client. I am sure this is a common theme for many of us. I know I have struggled off and on for five years with a similar perspective. But I was struck with the current dissonance of my life and his...

I go down into Death's Valley everyday, facing my great loss, feeling it, grieving through it, and receiving comfort anew.

I became aware that my client was, in a sense, refusing to "go down" into this depressing Valley. I pointed out to him that THIS is where the cleansing comes!

BECAUSE I am willing to ever face my loss, I can then have respites from it in which I feel quite WHOLE, quite ALIVE, quite OPTIMISTIC, quite FUN even; it is like, for awhile, the slate is wiped clean, and I can "see" a perspective that is "far and wide" and freeing! He became encouraged and decided to go by the gravesite of his family he just loss and cry his eyes out! It's like the old saying,

In order to heal, you have to feel...

It occurs to me how outrageous it is for these superficial, simple-minded folk (even family, friends, and church people) who often accost us grievers, to dictate that we need to "get over it" when the way to navigate through this pathway onto which we have been called is quite opposite to their dictate:

We have to FACE our hell in order to MOVE BEYOND it, even if our moving beyond it is for just moments at a time.

If we do not face our hell, it is ever sitting in our hearts anyway, just waiting to jump out and catch us off guard!

HOW DARE THESE NOVICES TRY TO DICTATE THE COURSE OF THE PATHWAY OF THE BEREAVED WHEN THEY HAVE NEVER TRAVELED ONE STEP INTO THE LAND OF OUR BEREAVEMENT.

IT IS MINDLESS PSYCHOBABBLE TO SAY TO US, "YOU JUST NEED TO MOVE ON!

And guess what, there is an added component to this new dimension into which we have been thrown. We begin to see what we HAVE, while we notice others are spending their lives away trying to get what they DON'T HAVE with mindless abandon, never content, never happy, but ever grasping for the next rung to their "upwardly-mobile" life that is really not leading them "UPWARD" at all.

Yet, we child-loss grievers are all experiencing what Christ essentially said,

"For the wheat to reproduce new life, first it must die."

With our child's death, we are all "dying" every day.

In our dying, we are learning what is important and what is NOT, and therefore learning to drop the "what is NOT" so that we can focus on the important.

We have learned that everyday we must "GO DOWN" into our deep grief before we can "GO UP" into feeling comfort and relief.

Tommy and I were reading this week about the renowned author, Philip Yancey, one of our favorite authors who examines Christianity from a fresh and candid view. (Yancey wrote such wonderful books as Where is God When it Hurts, Disappointment with God, Pain: The Gift Nobody Wants, Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference, and What Good is God?)

Yancey was interviewed by Gary Moon in the magazine, "Conversations," which is put out by the graduate school of which we are both an alum. Yancey recognized as a young journalist that,

"after a life-threatening tragedy, 'the church made it worse' with confusing and contradictory counsel: God is punishing you; No, it's Satan; No, it's God but out of love not punishment, for you've been specially selected to demonstrate faith."

So Yancey began researching libraries, experts, and the Bible for the real answers to facing such tragedies in life.

Yancey recently had a near-fatal car crash which, similar to our experiences, threw him effectively into a new "dimension" of life in which we are graced with discerning what is now really important in life. While "strapped to a back board uncertain whether (he) would live through the day, (he) came up with only three questions worthy of (his) attention at such a time:

• Whom do I love?
• What have I done with my life? and
• Am I ready for whatever is next?

Yancey says, "I've been married some 41 years, and the four years we've shared together since the accident have been more intentional and more rewarding than most of the others."

Yancey, like us, is discovering the reality of this new dimension into which we have been thrown:

As Christ said,

"To save your life, you must lose it."

Or as we say tonight,

"You must go Down before you can go Up."

Picture, thanks to PhotoBucket.com