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Tuesday's Trust
New Clarity...!
After writing the post for you last night about my baby girl's first "visit" from Heaven, I was reminded of the clarity of that moment, that moment when I saw the peace on my baby's face, and saw her smile that beamed, from one who could only know such peace and happiness after death if she was indeed in Heaven with our God...
The clarity of that moment, realizing that my baby girl is indeed in Heaven, which I know she is, and my other two children, my sons, are going to Heaven, and my husband Tommy and I are going to Heaven, then nothing sweeter could soothe this mother's broken heart. And nothing else could give greater clarity and meaning to my life.
So last night, in the reminder of that sweet clarity, I sought out the very Scripture I quoted for you, Hebrews 12:1, and read from there through the end of Hebrews, through chapter 13, and was reminded of the clarity I have had several times since Merry Katherine's death…
And suddenly, my mind became so clear, I had a breakthrough on some of my formerly cloudy thinking that I want to share with you tonight…
First, a little bit of history...
Since Merry Katherine's death, my heart and soul, though absolutely devastated over my child's death, have been comforted by my Heavenly Father. He has faithfully come to my side when friends, family, and church people have seemingly run the other way.
We have been through the pit of hell in many ways. Our extremely strong marriage that continued to stay solid through the first two years of our raw grief, then began to go through crazy upheaval over the next two years, though our love for one another never wavered. There was one particular point in time that my husband and I hit tilt at exactly the same time, feeling a mental and emotional break of abject desperation. In fact, around that same time, another precious grieving mother whom I had met through Twitter (of all places!) a couple of years after Merry Katherine's death, was so precious to walk with me through that hell and help me hold on to sanity. (She lost her 16-year-old baby girl just two weeks before I lost my 19-year-old baby girl, so our grief process has paralleled in time, giving us a glimpse into the pattern of child-loss grief and how it takes down the grieving mothers, the grieving fathers, and even the grieving spouses of otherwise extremely tight relationships, so we recognized it was the devastation of grief with which we actually were tangling….) With her holding onto me, my husband and I made a major breakthrough in our angst and pain, and God did one of His parting of the Red Sea miracles to help us turn our course that was headed straight downward completely around.
Then after cortisol had been coursing through our bodies over those second two years after our great loss, we had to face the physical damage of grief, which for me, was an accident-proneness that comes with the brain-fog of grief, by experiencing three non-sensical accidents in which I broke at least five bones, when I had never broken a bone, ever before in my life. And then, after Tommy's cortisol coursing through his system for those two years, it left him developing high blood pressure, and then finding out he had cancer, for which he has now had major surgery, and must continue to watch it's course over the years! In the meantime, I lost both of my parents, and Tommy lost his only surviving parent (after losing his mother at his young age of 14). All of this turmoil has left us depleted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And yet God has never once left our side.
Which brings us to now...
A few weeks ago, a mother called me to help her son. Her call came when my stamina seemed to be at an all-time low. I couldn't see him at the time, so I called a number of Christian therapists in the area to see if they could possibly help. I was shocked to discover I am one of the few in town who have this particular specialty, and the others who do were completely booked up. The mother did find someone to see, but she called back a few days ago saying that the therapist didn't work out, again asking if I could help...
Upon writing last night's post and re-reading the scriptures in Hebrews 12 and 13, I was given new clarity to see that God will give me the help I need to help this precious child.
It is a relief to find this clarity as I was questioning how a broken vessel could pour out His water, forgetting...
this is THE WAY OF LIFE here, broken vessels, held by the Master, despite hurt and pain, pouring out His love on others as we completely lean on Him...
And He promises,
"Never will I leave you,
Never will I forsake you."
He has carried us through the last five years, the hardest five years of our lives...
I trust He will faithfully carry us, and help us to help others, until we walk with Him one day through all eternity!
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