Friday's Faith - A Christmas Letter to God ~Joe Mudd

Friday's Faith

A Christmas Letter to God

~by Joe Mudd

Dear God,

I hope this letter finds you well. How are things in heaven? I hope all is going well. I guess they’d have to be pretty good, or they wouldn’t call it heaven would they?

Down here on earth they say you are all knowing and all powerful. That you never screw up. In fact they say you’re infallible, because, well you’re God and all that.

But there’s another thing they say a lot down here, “There’s a first time for everything.”

I think you’ve made your first screw up. I mean, can we talk?

It’s about this grieving parent gig you’ve set up for us.

I’ve been trying real hard for better than six months now, but I have to tell you God, this just isn’t working out. I’m just not cut out for this line of work. And I don’t think Debbie is either.

You know how she is about Christmas. Heck, you’ve seen her through the years. You know how she always turns on the Christmas tree lights every night. It’s part of her daily routine during the Christmas season.

Well I don’t have to tell you God, but we put the tree up at Thanksgiving; while Sarah was here. And the lights were turned on that couple of days she was with us. But now that Sarah is back in Texas, do you know that Debbie hasn’t plugged in the lights once? You know that just isn’t like her at all.

And I’ve been trying to use the tools you gave me to handle this job. Sarah, that incredible, beautiful daughter you sent us, is really into positive psychology. She sent me a book called Strengths Quest that included a big test that let me discover my five core strengths. It kind of unlocks the way you made my brain function so I can use it better.

According to the test results my core strengths are Learner, Intellection, Belief, Achiever and Analytical.

Well I’ve been trying hard to learn the ropes here. I’ve got this big pile of books. One’s about grief. Others about life after death. I have to tell you God, that Learner strength has sure cost me a lot of money in books and courses down through my lifetime. But anyway, I’ve been trying to learn all about this grieving parent thing.

And that Intellection strength – you know the one that says I like to think about stuff and work on problems? Well I’ve really kicked that into high gear. I don’t think about much of anything else but this grieving parent job and Richard. It’s like I have this 24/7 Grief TV cable channel wired directly into my head. It plays all the time. I try to turn the sound down sometime so I can think about something else, you know like the job I get paid to do or talking to someone, but I can’t ever seem to turn it off. It’s always there in the background.

And the Analytical thing is really a pain. When it kicks in, it just keeps coming up with all these “why didn’t you do this” and “you should have done that” kind of thoughts. Going back over all the things I should have done to keep this from happening to Richard. And that doesn’t seem very helpful. I mean, it’s too damn late now, you know? I just try to not let Analytical join in much.

And Achiever is just lost. That part of my brain is looking for a goal, somewhere to aim all this mental and emotional effort. But what am I aiming for? Happiness? That went away with Richard. Can’t ever get that back. There only appears to be a hollow shell of happiness available to us now. And Achiever doesn’t find that a very exciting target to shoot for.

And the Belief strength. It’s taken a beating here. First there is that core value of family. We just lost a big chunk of the family. I still love the parts that are left, that’s certain. But I feel like a big part of my soul is gone now.

And of course at the top of the Belief thing is you.

But I have to be honest with you here God, I was pretty pissed at you when you took Richard away. I’ve been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and all. I mean I know I’m just a lowly person and don’t know your master plan. And I do believe you have one and everything happens in this world for a reason – your reason. But can’t you give a bit of a clue? I mean how hard is it to send an angel down to explain this to us?

That Clarence guy from It’s a Wonderful Life, I liked him. Send him down. Or better yet, you’ve got Farrah Fawcett up there now. I mean, she was an Angel down here on earth, so she’d be a natural. Send her down to explain. I’d like talking to her.

Or send Richard back to talk to us about it. I’ve read in some of the books I mentioned above, that when people leave the earth and move to the spirit world, they can come back and visit. I’ve read lot’s of accounts of it. But I haven’t heard a word from our son. What’s with that?

Anyway, I think it is very obvious that we just aren’t cut out for this grieving parent thing.

I know it’s hard to admit a mistake. But really, what were you thinkng?

But the good news is you’re God. You can fix it!

So just send Richard back. No harm no foul. You don’t even have to reimburse us for the funeral expenses.

You could really help me out of a jam if you could get this done for Christmas. It would make a great gift for Debbie and I’ve just not been able to think much about what to get her for Christmas. Don’t seem to have the emotional energy to shop for gifts this year.

So with that I’ll close this letter. Merry Christmas.

Sincerely, Joe

~by JOE MUDD on DECEMBER 15, 2009

Thursday's Therapy - Blessed Thanksgiving! Balancing "The Grief You Have and The Gift You Had"…

Thursday's Therapy

Blessed Thanksgiving!

The Grief and The Gift

When your child dies, the immensity of still being alive strikes at your core. Your focus shifts back and forth between

the grief you have and the gift you had.

~Writer and Grieving-Father, Linton Weeks

We are so thankful that we were blessed to have nineteen wonderful years with our precious daughter who entered this world in an adventurous streak with never a dull moment left behind. She has changed us in so many beautiful ways that will last us for an eternity. She challenged us in ways that forced us to stretch higher and grow deeper. She encouraged us with wisdom that was beyond her years. And she demonstrated a love for others and a servant's heart before those she loved that both ministered to our parent-hearts and stirred these hearts to take greater risks for love.

Our Grief and Trauma over the loss of our precious Merry Katherine have been an absolute bear for us to grapple with over these past five years. Even as trained psychotherapists, we have been blown away by the toll that such loss takes on a child-loss parent's life. We can attest that very few professionals in the helping field are up-to-speed in helping you with your child-loss grief and trauma in their therapist's office because WE ARE trained therapists, and we are still learning by leaps and bounds what is called for in this arduous journey of grief and we know that we have tons more to learn still.

But we are so thankful for all that we are learning about how the mind, body, emotions, soul, and spirit bear up under the grief and trauma of Child-Loss. We are learning "as fast as we can" what we can do for ourselves to facilitate our own healing amidst our painful journey. As counselors and coaches, we also wanted to share the gift of our child by sharing-as-we-learn about some of these healthy ways to grieve our child with other child-loss parents who, like us, also are devastated by the excruciating loss of their own child.

Tommy and I would love for you to share with us and our blog readers some of the ways in which you have been able, in the words of writer and grieving father Linton Weeks, "to grieve your child and gift our world" by "creating meaning from mourning" in your precious child's memory. Please feel free to write a comment to share with us!

What are some ways you are "creating meaning from mourning" in your deep child-loss grief?

We join together with you this Thanksgiving Day in counting our blessings...

which includes celebrating the life of our precious child even as we continue to grieve her...

Thanksgiving graphic, thanks to http://www.profilebrand.com/graphics/

Quote, via writer and grieving father Linton Weeks in his N.P.R. article, "Deep Grief: Creating Meaning from Mourning"

Wednesday's Woe - The Branch, The Vine, and The Vinedresser Amidst Child-Loss Grief…

Wednesday's Woe

The Branch, The Vine, and The Vinedresser

Amidst Child-Loss Grief…

From here? It looks like Satan ate her alive ~

From There? You assure my baby girl does thrive!

From here? My body is worn down and weak ~

From There? You say I'm blessed when I can grieve!

From here? I see my work is compromised ~

From There? Grief ensures my work be improvised!

From here? Grief's changed me; I wonder who I am ~

From There? You assure me, "You are My little lamb!"

If I am Yours, then I will rest in Thee…

"You are Mine. By faith receive new eyes to see...

On earth, what looks to be 'forsaken,'

In Heaven is new sculpting undertaken:

In winter, though the branch looks like it's dead,

In spring, the flower raises up her head!

"Though this life with death feels full of Woe,

Entrust the Faithful Vinedresser

That with each deadly stressor,

Your life and love for Him, He'll ever deftly hallow...

"Life here on earth is not the end,

Let Him mold you to become more and more like Me, your Suffering Friend,

Who never leaves your side, but ever suffers with you to the End."

Picture, thanks to cutcaster.com

Tuesday's Trust - Thankful Amidst Death's Darkness… - 10 Things for Which We Are Thankful Amidst Child-Loss

Tuesday's Trust

Thankful Amidst Death's Darkness…

10 Things for Which We Are Thankful Amidst Child-Loss

• We are thankful that injuries and illnesses developed from our Post-Traumatic Stress of Child-Loss Grief and Trauma are ones that could be resolved, cured, or repaired.

• We are thankful we now know what is important in life, for Child-Loss can bring great clarity of mind, soul, and spirit.

• We are thankful we do not have to be around toxic family or friends anymore, and we can have peace and quiet when we need it.

• We are thankful we've been given "a pass" in regard to what is culturally expected of us, like… not going out shopping for the holidays, not having to make all the rounds for the holiday get-togethers, but rather, being able to have our own values and priorities played out on the very sacred meaning of our holidays.

• We are thankful that when we see grief taking a toll on either one of us or our children, in whatever of its unique manifestations, that we recognize it, acknowledge it, and lovingly support one another in our unique grief processes.

• We are thankful for the kindnesses of those family, friends, and neighbors who do "get it" in regard to our grief, and show us their love in small, yet meaningful ways.

• We are thankful for many new bonds we have formed with grieving parents, whether in person or on the internet. We are thankful for the people who come to read our blog every day, and for the feedback we have received from some, sharing their responsiveness to our words borne out of our pain.

• We are thankful for the love we have for one another that has sustained us through this tumultuous grief journey.

• We are thankful for the love of God that has been a constant source of encouragement, comfort, and understanding in this travel through the Dark Night when the very next step in front of us cannot be seen nor fathomed.

• We are thankful that we know our baby girl is in Heaven, in the care of our Loving Lord, and that we will indeed be with her again Some Day.

Picture, thanks to http://www.123rf.com/photo_the_sun-shining-through-a-large-tree-and-down-upon-water.html

Monday's Mourning Ministry - First You Cry ~Percy Sledge - {And New Verses We Added!}

Monday's Mourning Ministry

First You Cry

~Percy Sledge

{And New Verses We Added!}

Here is the classic Percy Sledge singing, First You Cry. It's a great song in and of itself, but it inspired Tommy and met to add a few verses at the end. So, enjoy, but "First, you cry"!

First You Cry

~Percy Sledge

{And New Verses We Added!}

It don't come cheaply when they look like that

So hard to keep when they move so fast

Soon you'll find it's all for the best

Put the past behind and the hurt to rest

But first you cry, then you sigh

Somebody lied and you can't run and hide

Don't be so sad; It ain't so bad

Oh you'll get by

But first you cry

Candy Mountains, Streets of Gold

O the promises, how they just turn cold

Till the sun will shine there'll be warmer days

You'll be feeling fine You just walk away

But first you cry, then you sigh

Somebody lied and you can't run and hide

Don't be so sad; It ain't so bad

Oh you'll get by

But first you cry

Don't look back There's nothing to gain

There's no happiness without a little rain

But first you cry, then you sigh

Somebody lied and you can't run and hide

Don't be so sad; It ain't so bad

Oh you'll get by

But first you cry

First you cry, then you sigh

Somebody lied and you can't run and hide

Don't be so sad; It ain't so bad

Oh you'll get by

But first you cry

First you cry, then you sigh

Somebody lied and you can't run and hide

Don't be so sad; It ain't so bad

Oh you'll get by

But first you cry

*****

And then, Tommy and I added some verses...

Substitute these each time Percy sings his chorus:

First you fuss, then you cuss

Our baby died, and we tried to comply

But it hurts so bad, our hearts are too sad

We try to get by,

But first we cry

Our bodies ache, and then they break

Our baby died, our hearts can't comply

'Cause it hurts too bad, we go from sad to mad

As we try to get by

But first we cry

Our soul's confused, it's been abused

Our baby died, though we tried and we tried

So now what do we do; we've got a messed up view

We just try to get by

But first we cry

We learn to lean, after we scream

Our baby died, we can't comply though we've tried

God knows it hurts too bad, and we're just too sad

So He helps us get by

But first we cry

http://youtu.be/oCMdjgaTLDs

Saturday's Sayings - Sorrow~A Gift? Focusing on What Matters Most

Saturday's Sayings

Sorrow ~ A Gift?

Focusing on What Matters Most

Sorrow, a gift? This counter-intuitive perspective is nicely elucidated by the psychotherapist and former Catholic monk Thomas Moore:

"Sorrow removes your attention from the active life and focuses it on the things that matter most. When you are going through a period of extreme loss or pain, you reflect on the people who mean the most to you instead of on personal success; and the deep design of your life, instead of distracting gadgets and entertainments. You may be more open to the beauty of your world as a relief from distress. Beauty is always present, but ordinarily you may not notice it because of your priorities or your absorption in other things."

~Thomas Moore

*****

In contrast, it is very rare, though not unheard of, that severely depressed individuals consider their depression per se a "gift." Some, however, have found spiritual meaning or sources of creativity in their depression. Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychologist who suffers from bipolar disorder, has observed that,

"Artistic expression can be the beneficiary of either visionary and ecstatic or, painful, frightening, and melancholic experiences. Even more important, however, it can derive great strength from the struggle to come to terms with such emotional extremes and from the attempt to derive from them some redemptive value."

~Kay Redfield Jamison, M.D.

*****

PROTECT YOU

Facing ones own fears are hard
If I face the fears of my loss I might
Lose control, I am afraid to lose control
Afraid I will have to feel pain
Rather than feeling nothing at all
It is easier to feel nothing, but the war
Rages on inside me trying to force my fears
The guilt that consumes my soul
Of that fateful day I wonder if it
Will ever go away..
Giving me the chance to go on.
To go on with my life in a positive and happy way
To smile from with in my heart and soul
And not just from my lips
I often hear the words echo in my head
Mom it was not your fault
But I am your mother I say I was to keep
You SAFE, to PROTECT you.
I could NOT do this, I could NOT SAVE YOUR LIFE
THAT DAY.
I kissed your wounds when you fell down
You got better, I held you when you were
Sad, you became happy.
I nursed you when you were sick, again you
Got better.
But I could not protect you that day.
I could not heal your wounds then.
I could not, no matter how hard I wanted to
Save your life that day, you died!
So the war of guilt, sorrow and pain
Rage with in my heart and soul
As your mother I tried to protect you
Keep you always safe, I always succeeded
Until that day.
So this war inside of me rages on and I wonder
Will it ever stop or ever go away??

~by Grieving Mother, Valene Valich Lafuenti,

shared with you by Valene's gracious consent

*****

I Will No Longer

Please share this, one more parent giving up is NOT OK! put it on your wall!

Things I will no longer do:

I will no longer hide my pain, even when you want me too.

I will no longer smile & pretend nothing is bothering me just to make you more comfortable.

I will no longer pretend like my son never existed, because you don't think I should be "back to normal."

I will no longer be who I was before so please don't expect it, this is my new normal.

I will no longer hide the tears because you don't understand.

I will no longer dishonor my son/daughter by never saying their name.

I will no longer apologize for my tears.

I will never "get over this."

Things I will do:

I will get through this with love & care from those around me.

I will always have a part of me missing.

I will get stronger & I will honor my child by keeping him alive in my heart.

I will forgive you when you say stupid, & hurtful things I will realize that it is your ignorance of the pain.

I will be here if God forbid this pain ever visits you & I will never ask that you hide your pain, your loss, your grief.

I will honor my child's memory by living through this, in spite of people who think I am being melodramatic, self seeking, depressing to be around.

I have known Moms who could not handle the pain of loss & took their own lives, I ask that you realize that this pain needs to be acknowledged by me & those who love me & I refuse to allow you to take away what helps me deal with this & helps me to wake up every day for the rest of my life without my child.

Because by not sharing my pain & not acknowledging the hole in my life means it didn't matter & that hole matters to me & it should matter to you.

I understand you have no idea what I feel and will not hate you but I also will not accept that your feelings are more important than my going on.

If you don't like that I cry, that I am different than before & you cower or roll your eyes when I need to say my child's name then I will also understand that you are no longer a big part of my life,

When your child has a birthday party 5 years from now & I don't show I will expect you to excuse me & acknowledge my right to hurt & instead of being selfish & offended I expect you to love me any way & if you can't then please move on because this is who I am now my son will always be in my heart & on my mind.

I understand that you think "that is all I think about" but before he was gone I was like you, thinking he will always be here, I had more important things to do. Sure there were times I didn't hug him before he left the house, or times on the phone I missed saying I love you just like you do now, but I have also realized when I lost my child all of those opportunities are gone, so while you go ahead with your life with your children remember you could never just forget they existed so I will not either.

My life, my child, means more to me than your selfish feelings so I will not pretend that you care about me while you avoid my sons memory or my pain they are always in my heart.

Please all you Moms/Dads share this on your wall change whatever needs to be changed to make it yours, I refuse to believe other Moms & Dads will die because they have no support!

~By: Lynn Burnett Colicci

(provided by Jill Compton, grieving mother)

*****

Cherished Friends! God must have known there would be times We'd need a word of cheer, Someone to praise a triumph Or brush away a tear. He must have known we'd need to share The joy of "little things" In order to appreciate The happiness life brings. I think He knew our troubled hearts Would sometimes throb with pain, At trials and misfortunes, Or goals we can't attain. He knew we'd need the comfort Of an understanding heart To give us strength and courage To make a fresh, new start. He knew we'd need companionship, Unselfish... lasting... true, And so God answered the heart's great need With cherished friends... like you! By: Anytime You Need a Friend

Contributed by Kathy Coy-Hawley

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers