Thursday's Therapy - "The Manner of Death is Homicide" ~Rebecca Carney

~ A father's grief

Thursday's Therapy

"The Manner of Death is Homicide"

~Rebecca Carney

The Manner of Death is Homicide

Posted on July 22, 2012 by Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective

Homicide. The coroner for the Colorado massacre, Dr. Michael Doberson, said, “The manner of death is homicide.”

People out for a fun evening of entertainment are the victims of homicide. Random killing. Homicide. So senseless. Heartbreaking.

As we, as a nation, grapple with the concept of a monster who lived in our midst and meticulously planned the death of others and as we grieve for those who lost their lives or had loved ones die in the massacre in Colorado on Friday, I think it’s important to remember something. There are grieving people behind the media circus. There are family units behind the photos of the victims. Their lives will never be the same.

Each of those people represent a family unit – and extended family and friends – who have lost a child, a brother, a friend, a classmate, a spouse. Their lives have forever been changed by the actions of another. These families have a long road ahead of them, one no one would walk by choice. Each of them, as individual people and family units, needs all of the love, caring, and support that those around them can possibly give. It’s my heart’s prayer that each of them is surrounded with love, care and support for as long as he or she needs it.

They are going to need it.

As huge as this cumulative tragedy is for the Colorado communities and our nation as a whole, this loss touches the lives of those family members in a very personal, individual way – ways which are unique to each of them. Each of those victims listed in the media reports represents a family and individuals who are grieving a horrendous loss. Each of those families has to go through the process of burying their loved one – purchasing a grave site and a casket, choosing clothes for their loved one to wear, planning a funeral or memorial service.

For more, see

http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/

~thanks to Grieving Mother, Rebecca Carney

~COPYRIGHT

© Rebecca R. Carney and Grief: One Woman's Perspective (onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com), 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Rebecca R. Carney and Grief: One Woman's Perspective (onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com), with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

~~~~~

Wednesday's Woe - Complicating the Simple?

Wednesday's Woe

Complicating the Simple?

In learning anything, it seems the typical challenge is to assess the complex and attempt to make it simple. Take for example, learning the internet. How many of us were overwhelmed at the prospect of understanding such a massive and complicated concept? But when facing the complex, we learn that if we can break what is otherwise complex down into its simpler components, we can begin to have some learning success.

What then are we Child-Loss parents faced with, but the very opposite? Our struggles predominantly seem to be dealing rather with the complexity of the simple things in life! How do you grapple with that?!

Going through the many phases of the Anniversary Syndrome over the past two weeks, it seemed to exhaust us and slow down our ability to bounce back through life's normal, simple demands. A simple party for our grand-daughter, who turned one-year-old on a day in between Merry Katherine's death date and her funeral date, then became a rather complex issue. We knew we couldn't do a large party with both sets of grandparent families; we don't do crowds as there are just too many dynamics that can overwhelm our already overwhelmed systems. So we thought we were wisely suggesting that we wait till the end of that week after the usual festivities were done, and our little family could have a more private party. Sounds good in theory, but after the work week was over and the day was approaching, we each began to realize we still were not up to it. So, we had to cancel the festivities! What should be a simple thing had catapulted into a very complex one emotionally.

Getting a good night's sleep now seems to be complicated, and getting regular exercise that was once fairly simple, has now become complicated. Things we didn't give a second thought to before, now have to be dealt with on a different level. The simple task of cleaning out a bedroom becomes complex because of what time of year it is for us. Going to a store to buy a gift should be simple, but no, it too became complicated.

We've found that the danger is not so much in the complication, as it is in accepting ourselves for where we are and allowing ourselves to let down others' expectations. The danger then is in doing a number on ourselves instead of being kind to ourselves ~ recognizing that even the simple tasks can become a big issue when our systems are so overwhelmed. We worked hard to support one another to pace ourselves through those hard days until we could find our "new normal."

One of my sons asked me what I thought happened that wouldn't allow us to have a festive party. I looked at him in shock and asked him, "Are you kidding?! Are you wanting a rational response for an irrational situation? I don't have one to give! We don't totally understand it ourselves."

Usually the complex things in life take a lot of energy and effort as we need to figure out a strategy to tackle them, and then work the strategy. But typically if we can break those complex tasks down to make them simple ones helps us to function better. But what do we do when we are continually dealing with the complex so that when the simple things come along, there is just nothing left in us to tackle them? We sort of understand it, but how can anyone else around us "get it"? Typically they don't, and we just have to be tolerant and patient with our broken selves.









Picture - Challenger Sudoku puzzle, thanks to Google Images

Tuesday's Trust - Searching for Meaning in Death: The Limits of Psychology to Fully Plumb the Depths

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

~1 Corinthians 1:21-31

Tuesday's Trust

Searching for Meaning in Death:

The Limits of Psychology to Fully Plumb the Depths

If man is the more normal, healthy and happy, the more he can . . . successfully . . . repress, displace, deny, rationalize, dramatize himself and deceive others, then it follows that the suffering of the neurotic comes . . . from painful truth . . . Spiritually the neurotic has been long since where psychoanalysis wants to bring him without being able to, namely at the point of seeing through the deception of the world of sense, the falsity of reality. He suffers, not from all the pathological mechanisms which are psychically necessary for living and wholesome but in the refusal of these mechanisms  is just what robs him of the illusions important for living . . . [He] is much nearer to the actual truth psychologically than the others and it is just that from which he suffers. 

~Otto Rank, as quoted from The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker

Becker continues:

At a point of departure let us first sum up everything that neurosis covers. . . . Neurosis has three interdependent aspects.

1. In the first place it refers to people who are having trouble living with the truth of existence; it is universal in this sense because everybody has some trouble living with the truth of life and pays some vital ransom to that truth.

2. In the second place, neurosis is private because each person fashions his own peculiar stylistic reaction to life.

3. Finally, beyond both of these is perhaps the unique gift of Rank's work: that neurosis is also historical to a large extent, because all the traditional ideologies that disguised and absorbed it have fallen away and modern ideologies are just too thin to contain it.

This is where I love theologian, Marva Dawn's mission, to restore the overall wise and well-educated ideology to the Christian faith that is the most accurate and comprehensive as possible to God's Word. She fears we have lost the discipline to study Scripture enough to have a better understanding of God's ways. 

Such ideology should be able to explain the seemingly incongruent features as, for instance, in my words not hers, God's allowing such a destructive force as death to continue to be wreaked upon His beloved children, especially what we are facing…having to watch, in our own lifetime, the destruction of our own beloved child, which seems one of the cruelest of the curses of our fallen world. We are all, to some degree or other, as child-loss-grievers, suffering the consequences of the "ear-tickling" messages preached from the pulpit which then get shattered upon the simple act of watching our own child's death.

Then … Becker provides us with a brilliant conclusion for modern psychotherapeutic solutions, when we are looking to psychology to do TOO much for our life's dilemma:

So we have modern man: increasingly slumping onto analysts' couches, making pilgrimages to psychological guru-centers and joining therapy groups, and filling larger and larger numbers of mental hospital beds.

(There is a place for psychotherapy. As a psychotherapist, I work diligently to help people overcome being "stuck" in their lives. Good psychotherapy can help us to understand our lives from a different vantage point, and then attain better coping strategies for our day-to-day living. But psychology alone, in and of itself, holds only a part of the greater reality with which we all must contend. 

Psychotherapeutic solutions fall short of dealing with a fallen world, cursed by the presence of sin and evil in our world. We need more than a coping strategy for daily dealing with the horrific reality that each of us, not excepting any one person from its clutches, that death is going to befall each one of us. And for parents, we have the enormous challenge of facing the reality that death even is going to overtake each of our beloved children at some time or other ~ we just hope it won't be while we are alive to see it!)

In my writing for grieving parents, I am ever aware that the "too-brilliant" readers may declare in their own heads that I grow "soft" in my "otherwise" logical thinking when I "wax spiritual" regarding my process of learning to "accept" my child's death by the comfort of recognizing she is now in Heaven with her (and my) loving God. This judgmental bias against the Christian is understandable on a simple level: who of us has not been disgusted with a cheap plot solution like the "deus ex machina" which my dictionary describes as "an unexpected power or event saving a seemingly hopeless situation, esp. as a contrived plot device in a play or novel"? It goes on to explain that this phrase is the Latin translation of the Greek phrase, "theos ek mēkhanēs," 'god from the machinery.' In Greek theater, actors representing gods were suspended above the stage, the denouement of the play being brought about by their intervention.)  

This is where I think Scripture so wisely reminds us, God hides His incredible truths from the so-called "wise" and gives it, instead, to the humble, simple, trusting soul.

If we do not have an "educated" spiritual ideology that faces where death falls in the overall scheme of things based staunchly on GOD'S plan---not ours, then when we lose a beloved child to death within our own lifetime, we risk a decimation of all that we held sacred…a pillar of which included our holding dear the protection of our child's life from any harm, but especially from any irreparable harm (such as, God forbid, our child's death).  

Douay-Rheims Bible
Carefully study to present thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly handling the Word of truth.

~2 Timothy 2:15

You, however, know all about my teaching, my way of life, my purpose, faith, patience, love, endurance, persecutions, sufferings—what kinds of things happened to me in Antioch, Iconium and Lystra, the persecutions I endured. Yet the Lord rescued me from all of them. In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil men and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

~Paul speaking to Timothy, in 2 Timothy 3:10-17, NIV

~Ernest Becker - Winner of the Pulitzer prize in 1974 and the culmination of a life's work, The Denial of Death is Ernest Becker's brilliant and impassioned answer to the "why" of human existence. In bold contrast to the predominant Freudian school of thought, Becker tackles the problem of the vital lie -- man's refusal to acknowledge his own mortality. In doing so, he sheds new light on the nature of humanity and issues a call to life and its living that still resonates more than twenty years after its writing.

~Otto Rank, as quoted from The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker, p. 176, chapter 9: "The Present Outcome of Psychoananlysis"

~Otto Rank (April 22, 1884 – October 31, 1939) was an Austrian psychoanalyst, writer, and teacher. Born in Vienna as Otto Rosenfeld, he was one of Sigmund Freud's closest colleagues for 20 years, a prolific writer on psychoanalytic themes, an editor of the two most important analytic journals, managing director of Freud's publishing house and a creative theorist and therapist. In 1926, Otto Rank left Vienna for Paris. For the remaining 14 years of his life, Rank had a successful career as a lecturer, writer and therapist in France and the U.S. (Lieberman & Kramer, 2012).

~Marva Dawn (Ph.D., University of Notre Dame) has authored many books, including Reaching Out without Dumbing Down; Talking the Walk:  Letting Christian Language Live Again; Powers, Weakness, and the Tabernacling of God (a personal favorite of mine); and A Royal "Waste" of Time: The Splendor of Worshipping God and Being Church for the World. She is currently a teaching fellow in spiritual theology at Regent College in Vancouver, British Columbia.

Marva J. Dawn serves the global Church as a theologian, author, musician, and educator under Christians Equipped for Ministry and as Teaching Fellow in Spiritual Theology at Regent College in Vancouver, British Columbia. A scholar with four master's degrees and a Ph.D. in Christian Ethics and the Scriptures from the University of Notre Dame, Dr. Dawn has taught for clergy and worship conferences and at seminaries throughout the world.

Monday's Mourning Ministry - I Can Only Imagine ~MercyMe

Monday's Mourning Ministry

I Can Only Imagine

~MercyMe

with the London Symphony Orchestra

I Can Only Imagine

~MercyMe

with the London Symphony Orchestra

I can only imagine what it will be like

When I walk by Your side

I can only imagine what my eyes will see

When Your face is before me

I can only imagine

Yeah

Surrounded by Your glory

What will my heart feel?

Will I dance for You Jesus?

Or in awe of You be still?

Will I stand in Your presence

Or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing, Hallelujah?

Will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes

And I find myself standing in the sun

I can only imagine when all I will do

Is forever, forever worship You

I can only imagine, yeah

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory

What will my heart feel?

Will I dance for You Jesus?

Or in awe of You be still?

Will I stand in Your presence

Or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing, Hallelujah?

Will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory

What will my heart feel?

Will I dance for You Jesus?

Or in awe of You be still?

Will I stand in Your presence

Or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing, Hallelujah?

Will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine, yeah

I can only imagine

I can only imagine, yeah

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

When all I would do

Is forever, forever worship You

I can only imagine

Video: http://youtu.be/K_OB7d-B1Vw

Saturday's Sayings - Yes, I'm Still Grieving...

Saturday's Sayings

Yes, I'm Still Grieving...

How to help those who are grieving, whether it was months ago, a year ago or years ago.

Grief has no clear beginning or end. It is a journey that will ebb and flow for the rest of our lives. We never get over the death of someone we love. We somehow find a way to live with it. It is important to let the bereaved know that they are allowed to grieve for as long as needed. Till that time comes. Where they are able to remember the one that has died, without feeling pain.

“Sympathy is two hearts tugging at one load.”

TRY NOT TO…

Just as there is no right or wrong way to grieve there is no right or wrong way to support. There are however some things which should be avoided in saying, as these can be hurtful and minimize their loss.

Try not to say you know how they feel. No two griefs will be the same and each grief is as unique as the relationship they shared with the person they have lost.

Don’t tell them they have to be strong. It is in the depths of grief that we are at our most vulnerable.

Don’t tell them they need to get on with life. Life as they knew it is not the same and they will need to learn how to live their life without the person who has died. This takes time.

Don’t say they had a good life, they are at peace now or you are lucky to have had them for so long. No one feels lucky to lose someone they love.

Don’t say it is God's way, the natural order of things or nature’s way. Logical explanations are cold comfort when you are grieving.

It is not comforting to remind the bereaved that at least they had a chance to say goodbye to the deceased. We never want to say goodbye to those we love.

Be mindful when telling the bereaved they are coping well. They may appear to be coping but it does not mean they have stopped hurting and are done grieving.

Do not compare their grief to others or make suggestions that someone else’s loss was greater. This will only make the bereaved feel their loss is not a significant one and that they do not have the right to grieve.

Don’t tell them they are grieving the wrong way or make suggestions about how they should be dealing with their grief.

Just be there, with a hug, a comforting hand or an open ear. Invite them over often even if they say no. Invite them on special occasions where their loss is so completely overwhelming. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, etc.

“Sometimes there are no perfect words. Only thoughtful silences that whisper softly of caring.”

Pass this along to someone who is grieving, or to guide someone whose friend/family member is grieving. Remember the stronger the relationship, the harder the grief is. If there are multiple losses in a short period of time, the more painful the grief. Most importantly don’t expect them to “be the same” as they were before the loss, they will never be the same. 

~ Donna Weber

~via Death of a Loved One: Quotes, Poems, and Resources

~~~~~

~~~~~

Since my Grief journey, I have noticed...

The ones who know the least have the most to say!

~~~~~

~~~~~

He Gathers Every Teardrop

Regardless of the circumstance,

Regardless of the (fear),

Regardless of the pain we bear,

Regardless of the tear,

Our God is ever in control,

Performing as He should,

And He has promised in His Word

To work things for our good.

But as a loving Father would,

He sometimes lets us cry

To cleanse the hurt out of our heart,

To wash it from our eye.

Yet gently He gathers the tears

Within His hands to stay

Until He turns them into pearls

And gives them back someday.

~Glenda Fulton Davis

~via Angels on Loan

~~~~~

Feathers for Muma

Hello baby, can you hear me?

I so want to talk to you,

I'm walking under my favourite tree,

Baby, give me a sign, if you do.

A little white feather just floated by,

It must be a sign from you,

Oh baby, I think I'm going to cry,

Baby boy, you heard me, it's true.

I'm holding my feather, my sweet,

My baby, my treasure, my own,

To know you hear me, is a treat,

It stops me from feeling alone.

I walk in my place full of peace,

I can talk to you now in my head,

It gives me such a release,

To deal with the fact you are dead.

Dead, such a hard word to say,

Asleep is a much nicer word,

I think of you now in this way,

No better word, have I heard.

My folks say, "Why are you crying?"

"It happened two months ago now."

Well folks, I'm so sorry, I'm trying,

But my heart is broken, and how.

So baby, under these trees I walk,

Here no-one can hear my pain,

And baby I am free just to talk,

And feel close to you again.

I treasure the feathers you send me,

Plucked from your wings, so far above,

And drifting right down through the trees,

To remind me, of your sweet love.

I guess, I should go home soon,

My heart is now full of peace,

Tonight when I look at the moon,

I'll smile, blow a kiss, feel released.

My pain, I know it will fade one day,

And I'll be able to laugh once more,

And that feather, in my jewel box will stay,

To hold when my heart's feeling sore.

I thank God above, that He gave me,

A child for a while, just to hold,

And know that one day I will be,

Walking with you on streets of gold.

~via Angels on Loan

~~~~~

~via Angels on Loan

~~~~~

The Mention Of My Child's Name


The mention of my child's name

... may bring tears to my eyes,

but it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend,

let me hear the beautiful music of her name.

It soothes my broken heart

And sings to my soul.

~Author Unknown

~thanks to Grieving Mother, Leslie Nelson Martin

~~~~~

Letter to Heaven

I write to you, in heaven
I'm not sure where I should start
The tear stained words I send to you
are from my broken heart

You taught the world true kindness
and you were always there for me
you taught the world happiness
and that laughter was the key

My letter is far too short
I'm struggling, thats the truth
the world it seems so painful
and empty without you

I call upon your loved ones
and each person signs their name
for these many tearful people
the world won't feel the same

We seal the letter with a kiss
and send it on its way
then out of the blue, We hear your voice
here are the words you want to say

(PAUSE FOR A SECOND)

My loved ones, I have heard you
before your pen began to write
my soul is with you every day
and through the dark of night

Although I am in heaven
It doesn't mean that I am gone
Take a look around and see
my spirit still lives on

When the stars shine at night
my heart is what you see
and when you dream, gentle dreams
your heart is here with me

Don't worry if your heart feels hurt
with my help, the pain will ease
don't worry if you need to cry
i'll help to dry your tears

Please celebrate the life we shared
to your memories, I belong
and talk about the good times
it makes my soul burn strong

If for now you don't believe
I'll still keep you safe from harm
until the day we meet again
and I take you in my arms

Rachel Loveday April 2010

Pictures, quotes, and poems, thanks to "Treasured Sisters," "Angels on Loan," "Grieving Mothers," and "Death of a Loved One."
Thank you to all grieving parents' for your contributions, as your writings help to comfort our grief!

Friday's Faith - The "Quickening": From Birth to Re-Birth

Friday's Faith

The "Quickening": 

From Birth to Re-Birth

"Full with child," she's told ~ so hard to believe

There's a speck of life inside this mother-to-be!

The words are there; the tests reveal

Truths for her she can't yet feel.

The ultrasound soon sends a sound

Of a beating heart such truth to resound.

But then one day comes the "quickening":

She feels for herself life hearkening...

Each movement inside proves there's life,

Creating a bond till faith becomes sight!

And so with you, my life-filled child,

I'm told you are not dead, but fully alive!

I cannot see; I groan from within,

But over time, comes the "quickening":

When Life I'm told that's surely there

Is felt from within before it's to appear.

You hearken to my beating heart,

"I'm Here Mommy; we're just apart!"

The tears come---it's hard to believe,

But such joyous news, I gladly receive.

I speak to you, I feel you near;

Life's quickening begins before you appear!

As Wonderful as your life-on-earth here,

How much more joyous Then~
When in Heaven you'll fully appear!

So my child I'll await, 

Though you're still sight unseen...

For Heaven's Gate

To open and reveal: Life's completed quickening...
When tears of Joy then shall reign
And you're in your Mommy's arms again!
I'll patiently wait through Death's Dark Night
Until that Great Day when my Faith becomes Sight!

 




Picture, thanks to "Grieving Mothers"
Poem - The "Quickening": From Birth to Re-Birth - Angie Bennett Prince - 8/10/2012

Wednesday's Woe/Thursday's Therapy - Will I Ever Get 8 Hours of Sleep Again in This Lifetime?

Our grandbaby girl as a newborn...sleeping "like a baby"...

Wednesday's Woe/Thursday's Therapy

Will I Ever Get 8 Hours of Sleep Again in This Lifetime?

Why is it that insomnia comes with Child-Loss Grief? Our bodies are exhausted. Our minds are exhausted. Our souls are spent with the daily struggle. So why is it that we cannot seem to get a good night's sleep? We know the healthy habits to do. We practice those things. But Child-Loss is bigger than we are.

Losing a child changes you in ways most people can never understand. It scars your psyche with an ineffaceable wreckage. It strains your soul with abominable confusion, leaving you questioning the very faith that once provided stabilization to your being. It shadows your heart with a disconsolate burden that never leaves; it may be temporarily distracted or even momentarily forgotten but the deep sadness always hovers just under the surface, waiting to resurrect when you least expect it. It impacts every facet of your life with a shroud of grief that forever darkens the atmosphere of your world. Like Chinese handcuffs, it grabs you and will not let you go, until you submit to its forces and let go your resistance; then you will be released, if only for a few moments...

As one of our child-loss cohorts stated when trying to clarify to a friend who is a civilian to our Child-Loss Grief War after he overheard that the friend had chastised Tommy as to why Tommy and I weren't "getting over" our loss: 

"Sometimes your mouth overrides your brain (leaving out the expletives he included)! You don't understand child-loss, and you never will. I lost my child. You need to understand that although I am not hurting as much as I once did, still, I am always hurting, and I always will." 

So how does this constant trauma affect our sleep? As one Child-Loss mother says,

When Tommy's blood-pressure shot up high recently, his doctor surprisingly said to him, "Oh, your shoulder is hurt! When the body is compromised in some way, the blood pressure will shoot up." I guess a similar principle is at work in our poor grief-stricken bodies.

Our hearts are broken, so at some level, our body must know there's a crisis it needs to be attending. There's not enough peace inside for our bodies to allow us the calm for a good night's sleep.

Pictures: Our grandbaby, mine; Sleep graphic, thanks to "Help Stop Abuse on Women"

Tuesday's Trust - Yet Another Parent's Child-Loss Tragedy

Coach Andy Reid lost his oldest son Garrett on Sunday, August 5th

Tuesday's Trust

Yet Another Parent's Child-Loss Tragedy

Six years ago today (written on August 6), we buried our precious 19-year-old daughter. A task a parent never has in mind in their wildest dreams for his/her child. Today I read about other parents called to the same unbearable task. Under somewhat different circumstances maybe, but same task. Each time I hear of it, another set of parents called to the same task, it breaks my heart all over again, a million times deeper than the angst I felt for parents before because now, I have lived it. And I know what's ahead for them: Deeper pain than they could ever imagine...

Tommy and I were impressed that the writer of the following article regarding Coach Andy Reid's loss of his son Garrett, Ashley Fox seems to really "get it" in regard to the devastation that comes with a parent's Child-Loss...

~~~~~

COMMENTARY

Reid Faces Most Difficult Challenge

Eagles coach, family undoubtedly are fiercely shaken by death of son Garrett

Originally Published: August 6, 2012

By Ashley Fox | ESPN.com

Eagles React To Garrett Reid's Death

Michael Vick and Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie react to the death of Garrett Reid, the oldest son of head coach Andy Reid.

How's your family? It is a question I ask Andy Reid every time I see him. Friday was no different. For the past two years, the answer has been the same.

"They're good," Reid said, shaking my hand. "How are your kids?"

"Getting bigger," I said.

"That's what they're supposed to do," Reid said.

That is what they're supposed to do. Children are supposed to grow, get bigger, go to college, get married and have children of their own. That is the hope. They aren't supposed to die before their parents do.

AP Photo/Chris Post

Eagles players kneel in prayer at Sunday's practice after learning about the tragic death of Garrett Reid.

A parent is never supposed to bury a child. It is a life-changer. One minute, your world is good. The next, you have an unfathomable void, a never-ending ache and a sadness that won't go away and doesn't really ease with time.

That is what Andy Reid and his wife Tammy are facing now that their oldest son, Garrett, has passed away. Garrett was found dead Sunday morning in a dorm room at Lehigh University, where the Philadelphia Eagles are holding their training camp. He was 29 years old.

Andy Reid was so proud to have Garrett, his oldest son, at camp. He was proud of his older sons, Garrett and Britt. Each had served jail time for drug-related offenses and completed drug rehabilitation programs. Each seemingly had moved on. Britt is now married and working as a graduate assistant for the Temple University football program. Garrett was working for the Eagles as an assistant to the strength and conditioning staff. A third son, Spencer, is a running back at Temple, about to enter his redshirt freshman season. The Reids also have two daughters, Crosby and Drew Ann.

Now Garrett is dead. It is unspeakably sad, for Andy and Tammy, for their four other children and for the Philadelphia Eagles organization.

To bury a child is the cruelest part of being a parent, no matter the circumstances. Garrett was Reid's first child. Father and son were close. They had been through hell together. For 10 years, Reid had dealt with his son's addiction, and for nearly two years Reid had visited Garrett in prison. He went to drug rehab with his son. He was a rock, a constant presence, a loving father and a disciplinarian. Garrett's journey was ongoing. He was living at home, trying to make it.

Now hell is starting anew.

Three days ago, I sat with Reid at Lehigh for almost an hour. He dismissed the notion that this season, his 14th in Philadelphia, would be any bigger than the previous 13. He was talkative and funny, relaxed and at ease. He said he likes his team, particularly his quarterback, and joked that he is growing a long mustache because the hair on his head is thinning, another reminder that time continues to march along.

Mike and Mike in the Morning

ESPN reporter John Barr talks about the atmosphere at the Eagles' training camp following the death of Andy Reid's son. 

{Hear podcast by clicking on "podcast" in midpage of online article as found listed below my signature at the end of today's post.}

Two years ago, Reid was reflective and hopeful. Finally, his sons were on a straighter path, but it was a path Reid knew would be pocked with potential problems. Speaking to me in 2010 for the first time about the road he had traveled, Reid said he hoped the time between relapses with Garrett would grow longer, and that when he did relapse, he hoped it wouldn't kill him.

That was reality. That was the truth. There was rock bottom, and then there was hope. The Reids straddled that reality every day. They hoped for the best and feared the worst.

For nearly two years every Thursday night, Reid visited his sons in prison. For Garrett, Reid went to three facilities in the Philadelphia area. The prison guards said Reid was cordial, polite, open and amenable. Reid told me he tried to be accessible so his sons wouldn't face more problems. Being the incarcerated son of the Eagles' head coach was hard enough. Reid didn't want to add to it.

And he didn't. Once Britt and Garrett were out of one prison, Reid left a box of Eagles hats in the prison lobby, as thanks. He was grateful. He understood. The warden had Reid's cell phone number. Reid picked up whenever he called.

With Garrett, unlike Britt, the road to recovery was always rocky. He was an addict. There was no way around it. We don't yet know how he died, whether it was natural causes or something else, but we know how he lived.

On Friday, Reid told me his sons were doing well, but there was the sense that he was always worried. A heroin addiction is an addiction for life. It grabs you, rips at your insides, pulls at a family and scares you.

Money can't erase that or ease the pain Reid is feeling now. With a demanding job that requires time and energy, Reid wasn't around every day to usher his kids through their teenage years and beyond. That was his wife's responsibility. In 2010, Reid talked about how hard it was on his wife, how a lawyer told them parents of a drug-addicted child rarely stay together, how he had to let her vent and grieve, and how he had to send flowers. Lots of flowers.

Now, no matter what caused Garrett Reid to die, there will be flowers and tears and regret. There will be a funeral Tuesday and a sadness over a life lost too young. No one would blame Reid for walking away from football, for saying enough is enough. Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie on Sunday said Reid will be back later this week, to grab hold of his team and make another run at a Super Bowl, one that many think could be Reid's last in Philadelphia.

It doesn't really matter now. What matters is that a family is grieving. A good man lost his son. It is tragic, and so, so sad. Reid will have to find it within himself to go on.

How's your family? For the Reids, the answer will never be the same.

~~~~~

Coach Tony Dungy's oldest son James, died in 2005

Here is another coach who had to encounter the same tragedy as Coach Reid, in losing his son.

Colt's Coach Tony Dungy Speech

Submitted by: PeaceOfMind

Author: This Inspires ME

Dungy Makes Super Bowl Stop to Speak at Athletes in Action Breakfast

They were there for breakfast, and they were there to

cheer New York Jets running back Curtis Martin.

And it was Martin who received the Athletes in Action Bart Starr Award

Saturday morning, but the hundreds who gathered in fourth-floor ballroom

At the Marriott Renaissance in Detroit, Mich., on the morning before Super

Bowl XL were clearly touched by the featured speaker.

That speaker was Colts Head Coach Tony Dungy.

Two hours into the breakfast, emcee Brent Jones introduced Dungy, who

was welcomed with a lengthy standing ovation. Dungy thanked the crowd,

shared an anecdote about Martin, then told the crowd he was going to speak

for about 15 minutes.

"It's great to be here," Dungy told the crowd, then adding with a laugh,

"I just wish I wasn't here in this capacity so many times of being just

that close to being in the game and just being an invited speaker.

"My goal is to have our team here one day and have a couple of tables

with all of our guys here. Because we have a special group of young men, a

great group of Christian guys. It'd be wonderful to have them here so you

could see their hearts and what they're all about.

"It hasn't quite happened yet, but we're still hoping one day it will."

He told them he was going to talk about lessons he had learned from his

three sons. The crowd fell silent. Then Dungy spoke.

And although this was a breakfast - and although at many such events

speakers speak over the clinking of glasses and murmurs from

semi-interested listeners - for most of the 15 minutes the room was

silent except for Dungy's voice.

He spoke of his middle son, Eric, who he said shares his competitiveness

and who is focused on sports "to where it's almost a problem." He spoke

of his youngest son, Jordan, who has a rare congenital condition which

causes him not to feel pain.

"He feels things, but he doesn't get the sensation of pain," Dungy said.

The lessons learned from Jordan, Tony Dungy said, are many.

"That sounds like it's good at the beginning, but I promise you it's

not," Dungy said. "We've learned a lot about pain in the last five years

we've had Jordan. We've learned some hurts are really necessary for kids.

Pain is necessary for kids to find out the difference between what's good

and what's harmful."

Jordan, Dungy said, loves cookies.

"Cookies are good," Dungy said, "but in Jordan's mind, if they're good

out on the plate, they're even better in the oven. He will go right in the

oven when my wife's not looking, reach in, take the rack out, take the pan

out, burn his hands and eat the cookies and burn his tongue and never feel

it. He doesn't know that's bad for him."

"Jordan," Dungy said, "has no fear of anything, so we constantly have to

watch him."

The lesson learned, Dungy said, is simple.

"You get the question all the time, 'Why does the Lord allow pain in

your life? Why do bad things happen to good people? If God is a God of love,

why does he allow these hurtful things to happen?''' Dungy said. "We've

learned that a lot of times because of that pain, that little temporary

pain, you learn what's harmful. You learn to fear the right things.

"Pain sometimes lets us know we have a condition that needs to be

healed. Pain inside sometimes lets us know that spiritually we're not quite

right and we need to be healed and that God will send that healing agent

right to the spot.

"Sometimes, pain is the only way that will turn us as kids back to the

Father."

Finally, he spoke of James.

James Dungy, Tony Dungy's oldest son, died three days before Christmas.

As he did while delivering James' eulogy in December, Dungy on Saturday

spoke of him eloquently and steadily, speaking of lessons learned and of the

positives taken from experience.

"It was tough, and it was very, very painful, but as painful as it was,

there were some good things that came out of it," Dungy said.

Dungy spoke at the funeral of regretting not hugging James the last time

he saw him, on Thanksgiving of last year.

"I met a guy the next day after the funeral," Dungy said. "He said, 'I

was there. I heard you talking. I took off work today. I called my son. I

told him I was taking him to the movies. We're going to spend some time and

go to dinner.' That was a real, real blessing to me."

Dungy said he has gotten many letters since James' death relaying

similar messages.

"People heard what I said and said, 'Hey, you brought me a little closer

to my son,' or, 'You brought me a little closer to my daughter,'" Dungy

said.

"That is a tremendous blessing."

Dungy also said some of James' organs were donated through donors

programs.

"We got a letter back two weeks ago that two people had received his

corneas, and now they can see," Dungy said. "That's been a tremendous

blessing."

Dungy also said he received a letter from a girl from the family's

church in Tampa. She had known James for many years, Dungy said. She went to

the funeral because she knew James.

"When I saw what happened at funeral, and your family and the

celebration and how it was handled, that was the first time I realized there

had to be a God," Dungy said the girl wrote. "I accepted Christ into my life

and my life's been different since that day."

Added Dungy, "That was an awesome blessing, so all of those things kind

of made me realize what God's love is all about."

Dungy also said he was asked often how he was able to return to the

Colts so quickly after James' death. James died on December 22, and Dungy

returned to the team one week later. Dungy said the answer was simple.

"People asked me, 'How did you recover so quickly?"'' Dungy said. "I'm

not totally recovered. I don't know that I ever will be. It's still very,

very painful, but I was able to come back because of something one of my

good Christian friends said to me after the funeral.

"He said, 'You know James accepted Christ into his heart, so you know

he's in heaven, right?' I said, 'Right, I know that.' He said, 'So, with all

you know about heaven, if you had the power to bring him back now, would

you?" When I thought about it, I said, 'No, I wouldn't. I would not want

him back with what I know about heaven."

"That's what helped me through the grieving process. Because of Christ's

spirit in me, I had that confidence that James is there, at peace with

the Lord, and I have the peace of mind in the midst of something that's

very, very painful.

"That's my prayer today, that everyone in this room would know the same

thing."

~~~~~

Tony Dungy's Super Bowl Breakfast ~ 2006

What Coach Dungy learned from his son James, who was almost 19 years old when he took his own life

Coach Reid article: http://espn.go.com/nfl/trainingcamp12/story/_/id/8239047/andy-reid-family-face-most-difficult-emotional-challenge-tragic-death-oldest-son-garrett

Coach Tony Dungy's Athletes in Action Speech: http://www.scrapbook.com/poems/doc/16441/38.html

Tony Dungy's Super Bowl Breakfast, 2006 part of speech on youtube: http://youtu.be/K3PUPCR7NFA