Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Wednesday's Woe - Welcome to the Roller Coaster of Grief!



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Wednesday's Woe
Welcome to the
Roller Coaster of Grief


My "dream" awakened me this morning. In my dream, I was back in college yet working full-time. It seemed work was squeezing out time needed for school, so I was asking my older sister how to navigate through both at the same time. I ended my questioning with, "I guess I wasn't anticipating that Daddy would die..."

(This isn't how my college experience played out in real life, thank goodness.)

I awakened from my very vivid dream and pondered the meaning of it since it seemed very significant. I was relieved to recall I did complete my undergraduate degree and got a master's as well.

So what was this dream all about?


I realized, in actuality, college represented my current career, and working represented my grief over my daughter whom I had not anticipated dying. For it seems I am so steeped in walking through my grief over her, that my work is pretty much getting squeezed out by my grief.

It is quite a dilemma, for our bills keep rolling in, for ~ grief, or no grief ~ my bills don't seem to care.


When I sat up from my intense dream, I was incredibly dizzy which is quite unusual for me. I pushed through the dizziness to begin the gargantuan task of cleaning out my bathroom (which has been barely touched for four years) until I had to stop and eat breakfast and try to regain my equilibrium. Tommy kindly patted my head and massaged my aching shoulders. My dizziness began to subside.

Then together, we meditated through a new trauma CD I recently had ordered --

"A Guided Meditation for Healing Trauma (PTSD)" by Belleruth Naparstek.

It was a very meaningful experience for me. Naparstek took us on a guided imagery meditation that was quite touching both spiritually and emotionally as it included (for me) seeing Merry Katherine participating in helping me (from Heaven) with my grief.

Naparstek directed us only to observe any PTSD symptoms we may be feeling during the meditation time, but then just let them "wash out to sea." I was able to do so! And on top of this being a meaningful experience, I noticed my dizziness had totally subsided!


...But by this afternoon, I end up writing this poem where I am the one being washed out to sea! ...Welcome to the Roller Coaster of Grief!



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Swept Out to Sea


Father, I cannot go this all alone...
My grief grows heavier day by day;
Sometimes its straps cut down to the bone,
Slicing into me amidst work or play...


Please come and lift my heavy load for me ~
Help me to bear it as it bears on me,
Weighting me down, pulling me out to sea,
Left to survive...though flailing I be...


You've left me here ~ now, how do I live,
My energies depleted, riv'n within ~
How do I work, to others comfort give,
Grappling with death dumped from Satan's Den?


Cut from life's moorings, I'm swept out to sea...

Lost in grief's tempest, my tears fill the sea.
Blinded by death's darkness, my way I can't see.

God who splits seas asunder,

Please rescue me,

Still grief's waves to a whisper,

Hush the waves of my sea,

I cannot navigate my child-loss grief,

Except by Thee!


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(See Psalm 107)












Roller Coaster Picture: http://bit.ly/aSKatI and http://bit.ly/bPEeYU

Roller Coaster to Sea: http://bit.ly/9aJE0e

Poem - Swept Out to Sea - Angie Bennett Prince - 11/9/10

Swept Out to Sea: http://bit.ly/98jvZL


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2 comments:

Traci Eccles said...

Thank you for the post and the beautiful poem. I have been following your blog for about 6 months, and I cannot express how helpful it is for me. My only child...my life...my light, was killed in a car accident on November 8th of last year. Your blog has given me a better description of my own grief than I could have expressed. Your insights have helped me to feel ok in my own skin. God has blessed us both through our beautiful angels.

Angie Prince said...

Traci,

I am so so sorry that you lost your only child, your precious Brittney just a year ago. She is such a beautiful, lively girl, and I know you must miss her terribly. I am so touched that our blog has been helpful to you amidst your deep grief. Sometimes grief renders us almost speechless, so if our words can help you to express some of your pain, that is so rewarding to hear.

Yes I agree with you, God has blessed you and me both so much with our precious girls, and how comforting that even at this moment, He now holds our baby girls in His arms, ever surrounding them with His presence. May our loving Lord hold you so close during your deep grief. I will keep you in my prayers, especially as you enter this often difficult second year of your grief.

Much love to you,

Angie

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