Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Wednesday's Woe - Welcome to the Roller Coaster of Grief!

Wednesday's Woe
Welcome to the
Roller Coaster of Grief

My "dream" awakened me this morning. In my dream, I was back in college yet working full-time. It seemed work was squeezing out time needed for school, so I was asking my older sister how to navigate through both at the same time. I ended my questioning with, "I guess I wasn't anticipating that Daddy would die..."

(This isn't how my college experience played out in real life, thank goodness.)

I awakened from my very vivid dream and pondered the meaning of it since it seemed very significant. I was relieved to recall I did complete my undergraduate degree and got a master's as well.

So what was this dream all about?

I realized, in actuality, college represented my current career, and working represented my grief over my daughter whom I had not anticipated dying. For it seems I am so steeped in walking through my grief over her, that my work is pretty much getting squeezed out by my grief.

It is quite a dilemma, for our bills keep rolling in, for ~ grief, or no grief ~ my bills don't seem to care.

When I sat up from my intense dream, I was incredibly dizzy which is quite unusual for me. I pushed through the dizziness to begin the gargantuan task of cleaning out my bathroom (which has been barely touched for four years) until I had to stop and eat breakfast and try to regain my equilibrium. Tommy kindly patted my head and massaged my aching shoulders. My dizziness began to subside.

Then together, we meditated through a new trauma CD I recently had ordered --

"A Guided Meditation for Healing Trauma (PTSD)" by Belleruth Naparstek.

It was a very meaningful experience for me. Naparstek took us on a guided imagery meditation that was quite touching both spiritually and emotionally as it included (for me) seeing Merry Katherine participating in helping me (from Heaven) with my grief.

Naparstek directed us only to observe any PTSD symptoms we may be feeling during the meditation time, but then just let them "wash out to sea." I was able to do so! And on top of this being a meaningful experience, I noticed my dizziness had totally subsided!

...But by this afternoon, I end up writing this poem where I am the one being washed out to sea! ...Welcome to the Roller Coaster of Grief!

Swept Out to Sea

Father, I cannot go this all alone...
My grief grows heavier day by day;
Sometimes its straps cut down to the bone,
Slicing into me amidst work or play...

Please come and lift my heavy load for me ~
Help me to bear it as it bears on me,
Weighting me down, pulling me out to sea,
Left to survive...though flailing I be...

You've left me here ~ now, how do I live,
My energies depleted, riv'n within ~
How do I work, to others comfort give,
Grappling with death dumped from Satan's Den?

Cut from life's moorings, I'm swept out to sea...

Lost in grief's tempest, my tears fill the sea.
Blinded by death's darkness, my way I can't see.

God who splits seas asunder,

Please rescue me,

Still grief's waves to a whisper,

Hush the waves of my sea,

I cannot navigate my child-loss grief,

Except by Thee!

Psalm 107:

Oh give thanks to the Lordfor he is good,
    for his steadfast love endures forever!

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
    whom he has redeemed from trouble[a]

and gathered in from the lands,
    from the east and from the west,
    from the north and from the south.
Some wandered in desert wastes,
    finding no way to a city to dwell in;
hungry and thirsty,
    their soul fainted within them.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.

He led them by a straight way
    till they reached a city to dwell in.

Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
    for his wondrous works to the children of man!

For he satisfies the longing soul,
    and the hungry soul he fills with good things.
10 Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death,
    prisoners in affliction and in irons,
11 for they had rebelled against the words of God,
    and spurned the counsel of the Most High.
12 So he bowed their hearts down with hard labor;
    they fell down, with none to help.
13 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.

14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
    and burst their bonds apart.
15 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
    for his wondrous works to the children of man!
16 For he shatters the doors of bronze
    and cuts in two the bars of iron.
17 Some were fools through their sinful ways,
    and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;
18 they loathed any kind of food,
    and they drew near to the gates of death.
19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.

20 He sent out his word and healed them,
    and delivered them from their destruction.

21 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
    for his wondrous works to the children of man!

22 And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
    and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!
23 Some went down to the sea in ships,
    doing business on the great waters;
24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,
    his wondrous works in the deep.
25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
    which lifted up the waves of the sea.
26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
    their courage melted away in their evil plight;
27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men
    and were at their wits' end.[b]
28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.

29 He made the storm be still,
    and the waves of the sea were hushed.

30 Then they were glad that the waters[c] were quiet,
    and he brought them to their desired haven.

31 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
    for his wondrous works to the children of man!

32 Let them extol him in the congregation of the people,
    and praise him in the assembly of the elders.
33 He turns rivers into a desert,
    springs of water into thirsty ground,
34 a fruitful land into a salty waste,
    because of the evil of its inhabitants.
35 He turns a desert into pools of water,
    a parched land into springs of water.
36 And there he lets the hungry dwell,
    and they establish a city to live in;
37 they sow fields and plant vineyards
    and get a fruitful yield.
38 By his blessing they multiply greatly,
    and he does not let their livestock diminish.
39 When they are diminished and brought low
    through oppression, evil, and sorrow,

40 he pours contempt on princes
    and makes them wander in trackless wastes;
41 but he raises up the needy out of affliction
    and makes their families like flocks.

42 The upright see it and are glad,
    and all wickedness shuts its mouth.

43 Whoever is wise, let him attend to these things;
    let them consider the steadfast love of the Lord.

Poem - Swept Out to Sea - Angie Bennett Prince - 11/9/10

May God bless,


Free pictures:

Roller Coaster Picture 1:

Roller Coaster Picture 2:

Roller Coaster Picture 3:



Traci Eccles said...

Thank you for the post and the beautiful poem. I have been following your blog for about 6 months, and I cannot express how helpful it is for me. My only child...my life...my light, was killed in a car accident on November 8th of last year. Your blog has given me a better description of my own grief than I could have expressed. Your insights have helped me to feel ok in my own skin. God has blessed us both through our beautiful angels.

Angie Prince said...


I am so so sorry that you lost your only child, your precious Brittney just a year ago. She is such a beautiful, lively girl, and I know you must miss her terribly. I am so touched that our blog has been helpful to you amidst your deep grief. Sometimes grief renders us almost speechless, so if our words can help you to express some of your pain, that is so rewarding to hear.

Yes I agree with you, God has blessed you and me both so much with our precious girls, and how comforting that even at this moment, He now holds our baby girls in His arms, ever surrounding them with His presence. May our loving Lord hold you so close during your deep grief. I will keep you in my prayers, especially as you enter this often difficult second year of your grief.

Much love to you,


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