Friday, December 3, 2010

Friday's Faith - Does Child-Loss Grief Make Me An Alien?

Friday's Faith

Does Child-Loss Grief Make Me An Alien?

After going through a Thanksgiving of peace as it was designed around our child-loss grieving needs, not around the expectations of others, my heart is nurtured, and for that I'm so thankful! But there is a heightened awareness of how much I do not "fit in" to the world around me.

One family member took it upon her naughty self to write a rebuking email, heavy-laden with guilt, manipulation and sentimentalism. As if I didn't already have enough of a load on my troubled heart, you felt the need to pile on to a heart-broken bereaved mother?!

Such message from a person one otherwise would expect to be kind, compassionate, and caring adds to the disillusionment of this griever. It also underlines, accentuates, and aggravates the new realizations of how "odd" I am, of how I don't "fit in," of how I feel like I have been dropped onto a foreign planet where no previously-known earthly citizen understands, nor can communicate with this grieving alien.

It is a harrowing experience, like I am living in an Alfred Hitchcock unsolvable mystery --trapped on a planet where no one speaks my language, and expects behaviors from me that I can no longer produce to accommodate the canned-holiday-expectations of decorum. And such unconformity is treated as being right up there with the "unpardonable sins" such as blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, as family-get-togethers on man-made holidays are treated as holy as God Himself, barring any exceptions to the rule without threats of disbarring, or banishment from the tribe, if not even incurring the wrath of God Himself.

It is not so much the disappointment of the heaviness of Child-Loss Grief itself I grapple with as I am at a fairly peaceful place in Grief, that "It is what it is" - and that I must do what I need to do to cope with it.
But it IS a very heavy load, and others must simply
"Deal with it or you won't be dealing with me!"

It is more that I struggle with this weird sense of isolation from 99% of the earth's population who don't "get it" when it comes to my severe grief and continued broken heart EVEN though I do bask in God's love and comfort!

Many do not seem to think the two of those are compatible: If I have the latter (God's love and comfort), the first (Severe Grief and a Broken Heart) should not exist at all.
...So now, they feel a need to punish me...

So, I do what comes true to my heart, I turn to my Living Lord who has Living words for me and my troubled spirit.

Does Child-Loss Grief Make Me an Alien?

Here, I do not belong: I'm a citizen of Heaven...

Here, I do not fit in ~ the only "fit" I have here is th' one I've thrown...

Here, make me yeast for this world's leaven,

Here, prepare my soul to bow at Your Throne.

Here, Your child-loss griever is an alien!

Here, use Grief to sanctify (me to be) Heaven's citizen!

To which God assures me,

"I will create a City on that Shore:

Sounds of weeping, crying will be no more!

You will be a people blessed by the Lord;

My chosen ones will long enjoy (My) reward.

None will be harmed or destroyed in that City;

Your work (will) not (be) in vain, nor your children doomed t' pity.

Wait on Me, trust that My work will be done

In you, your work, and in your little one.

"Trust in Me in going through this desert,

Rest in me in this long winter's drought,

For soon you will find your sure treasure,

For here, My ways are past finding out!

"Faith is hope's blessed assurance,

The lack of sight's sure certainty.

Here, you must suffer endurance

of temporary misery,

awaiting Grief's alchemy

w'th paradoxical results achieved

accomplished by My mystery!

"Before you call, I will answer,

While you're still speaking, I will hear,

For you, My child, I have ransomed!

To you, I will ever draw near."

My Lord, though here, I may be an alien,

That is what You've called us to be,

For our citizenship IS in Heaven,

For we were designed to live there with Thee!

Give me grace for Grief's journey,

Knowing I walk through it with You,

Should others around me not understand me,

What's that to me if I'm ever accompanied by Thee?!

{based on Isaiah 65, and Hebrews 11}


Poem: Does Child-Loss Grief Make Me an Alien? - Angie Bennett Prince - 12/2/10



Anonymous said...

Thank you again (and again and again). Now I feel less crazy/alien, if for a minute. Again you penned the mass struggle I have going on. I ended up going on Thanksgiving; what a torturous morning before I left, I felt more able to after I posted "Thanksgiving Anguish" on a board. (If you like/below):

I'll Smile For YOU

I'll smile
I'll smile
I'll fake it today
Because that's all you'll want, Yay! Yay! Yay!

I'll fake it
I'll force it
I'll try not to Crack
Or your rejection is all I will get!

To my head and my heart
Just one more whack!

Did you ever love me in reality?
Or am I just supposed to act like your "Happy Holiday" fantasy?


Denise in said...

Angie - Wow... I've only recently found your blog, but upon reading this entry I know I'll be returning. My 10 year old son passed away in Mar 2009. I've been surrounded mostly by understanding people, but for some reason I keep having to explain "why" I don't want to do certain things. And your analogy to feeling like an alien on this world are words ripped right from my mouth. You've managed to speak my mind & my heart without ever knowing me, and yet, I suppose, a mother's grief is somewhat universal.

I can't go anywhere in this small town without running into people who know enough about our story to feel sorry, but not enough to really know WHAT we went through. There was the acquaintance mother that thought standing in the middle of the grocery store & grilling me about my "other dead son" was appropriate just two weeks after Montie died. (he had a brother who died in my womb at 20 weeks) A church member stood after church in Fellowship Hall and repeated over & over how she can't understand how we get up every morning, wondered how we can return to church where our son is buried, how hard it all must be, and I haven't gone back since. The family member that continues to try to push her children on me in hopes they will "heal" my ache. Seriously?!?!?!?!? Sigh... I'm God's child & so always try to show caring & mercy toward what I know is just ignorance. In their own way they try to help but are just inept unfortunately. And yet, it is maddening at the same time.

Oy vey.... I feel like I could go on and on & you would know just what I'm meaning. This is so unusual! I look forward to getting to know you better, in hopes I'm able to offer support to you as well or to at least offer prayer.

Blessings.... Denise

Traci Eccles said...

Thank you Angie! Once again, your post has brought light (and relief) into my life too. I truly believe that God takes the hand of each child-loss parent, and directs us to the healing. For me, blogging...and reading the blogs of other parents who understand this grief has been that healing. Recently, however, when I went in to see my physician about renewal of my anti-depressants prescribed right after the loss of my daughter, she expressed strong concern over the fact that I had not received any counseling since the accident. I begrudgingly agreed to the referral. I then selected a random female counseler from my health provider list, and attended my first session this week. What an awesome "praise God moment" when she shared with me that she had lost her son in a car accident seven years ago! To talk face to face with someone who really KNOWS this grief is exactly what I needed. After the hour session was up (it was her last appointment of the day), we continued talking for an additional hour. God has blessed me through this healing process...thank you for being a part of that blessing!

Post a Comment