It was an invasion and goes beyond my heart, mind and body. It stormed into my very Soul and took over without warning. People keep trying to tell me how to deal with it. How to get rid of it. How to get over it. AS IF IT CAN BE CURED.
These are not the regular basic germs that intrude upon your life by creating havoc within your body and immune system. These are much worse. There are no drugs, no antibiotics to fight it. The Battle to take over began without warning. There was no time to prepare. There is no Proven way to escape or illiminate the devastation left behind. I have been damaged and Will Never be the whole. Yet, my outward appearance lends no clue to this fact. My life continues each day despite the War within.
This invasion is a Stranger, an unwelcome guest... It Is Grief! A Grief I was forced into (by) the death of my Son. A death by suicide. A death chosen by him. No warnings Just the words "your Son is Dead. He killed himself." (by hanging)
I hear so many good intentions of how to "get over it" or "not think about it" If Only they Understood. I do not sit in a darkened room and dwell on my loss. I try so hard not to think about his last moments, what he thought, how he did it, etc. I can Understand how unhealthy those thoughts are. How easily they take over and distract you from life. I understand and try to be so thankful for the ----27 yrs of his life and the memories that go with those years. I Want to move past the Loss and remember his life and his love. I try to focus on my daughter and family who are living. But Despite my best intentions,the invasion is always there. It Erupts when least expected. It battles the positive, and the good and the Healing. It thrusts its ugly being into my thoughts, which momentarily takes my breath away each time. I Challenge the Grief everyday by making it through each day. I attempt to continue and bring My "Life" back. I understand that I have been changed and I accept that fact. I know that the person I Will Become will be better and stronger individual. But This Grief greedily Seeks out my new self and batters at my Very Soul. It wants me...all of me. And I Refuse to Surrender.
by EA Gay