Saturday's Sayings - Though Seasons May Change... My Love Never Will

Saturday's Sayings

Though Seasons May Change... 

My Love Never Will

Yes, we know our child is gone. But, we still wait for the door to fly open hoping our child will be there. We rush to pick up the phone thinking we'll hear our child's voice. We think we see the face of our child in a crowd. We honestly believe we feel our baby still kicking in our stomach. No, we haven't gone crazy! Please understand that the shock of losing a child causes such trauma that it often takes months (or years) for us to absorb the fact that we will never, ever hear, see, or touch our child again. The pain of child loss is unimaginable! Allow us to talk, cry, and grieve. Share some of our pain with us, but please don't look at us strangely and label us as crazy!

~Silent Grief - Child Loss Support

~~~~~

Grief doesn't come with a stopwatch...

but it does come with little windows of serenity.

~Here 4 U Grief and Loss

~~~~~

What to do when a friend is grieving

No one grieves the same way, and there are many ways to deal with grief or help a grieving friend, experts in the Jackson area say. 

Families and friends should focus on comforting and spending time with loved ones who might have lost someone recently. More than anything, providing companionship is important, they say. 

What grief isn't

There are many misconceptions about the grieving process and how to get through it, says Beverly Wilson, a Jackson counselor who owns Grief Matters, LLC, and volunteers with other grief support services in the area. 

Grieving is not a mental illness and suffering from it does not make someone “crazy,” she says — though many people feel that way. 

“Grief is a normal reaction to an abnormal event,” she says. 

Making sure friends or loved ones know that going through a grieving process is a normal part of loss is important, she says. The general population tends to think the grieving process will end after a specific amount of time and that after several months, grief about a loss should have passed.

“The thing many people don’t understand about grief is that it lasts an awful lot longer than we think,” Wilson says. 

Two months after someone loses a loved one, they could still be in shock because of the loss, she says. Around three months after a death, people usually begin to fall into “the black hole” of grief. 

“The most difficult part is between three and six months,” Wilson says. After a year, most people have gotten past the impact of the situation, although some feel a real loss two years after someone has died. 

“It’s normal to feel lost in time, disorganized, disoriented and confused,” says Patrice Cox, bereavement coordinator at Allegiance Health.

People often feel lost in space, numb or in shock, she says.

How to help

One of the most important parts of helping a friend who has suffered a loss is simply to be there for them, Wilson says. 

Saying things such as “I know how you feel” are not usually helpful; instead, offering to go to the grocery store or run errands for them is good gesture. 

“It’s better to make a suggestion where you see a need,” she says.

The best way to help a friend who is grieving is by providing companionship, Cox says.

“That is partially why support groups work,” she says. “People provided companionship for one another.”

This doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to plan extravagant activities for a grieving friend. It could just mean spending a day with someone in their home and helping them with everyday activities, they say. 

Many people want to know how to best help a child who might have experienced a loss, Wilson says. An honest, simple approach that doesn't shy away from the truth is suggested. 

“Most times people think children should be protected from death and funerals,” she says.

In fact, if children don’t know the truth about what’s going on, their imaginations can invent far more frightening ideas. They also might be afraid no one will explain to them what’s going on, she says. 

“As long as you prepare them for what they will see, think, hear and feel, they can handle anything,” Wilson says. “It’s a very physical experience for children because they can’t think abstractly until the age of 9.”

Halloween is over, but the holiday season is about to come into full swing. For those mourning a child, a brother or sister, or a grandchild, this is a very difficult time. How do you plan to handle the season?

~Grieving Mothers 

When the holidays near

For the bereaved parent, we have other holiday concerns that far outweigh what size turkey or ham should be buy. One of our main concerns following child loss is, "What do we do with the empty chair?" Only a parent who has lost a child would understand the intensity and pain surrounding this question. Child loss hurts so, so much! 

~Silent Grief - Child Loss Support

In order to help avoid provoking unnecessary grief during the holiday season, Wilson says she suggests people send out cards around Thanksgiving explaining the loss of a loved one in the past year. This could help Christmas card senders who aren't often in touch avoid sending cards that inadvertently ask about someone who has died. 

Attending candlelight remembrance services during the holiday season also can help those who are grieving feel like their loved one has a special place in the season, Wilson says.

“(It can) take away that guilty feeling,” she says.

Families should understand that someone might feel sad about a loss more than usual during the season.

“The holidays are particularly hard because they have a whole lot of emotional expectation,” she says. “It’s hard for families to know that the bereaved person is not going to feel happy.”

~Grieving Mothers

~~~~~

Thanksgiving is approaching, and for families who have experienced child loss this is an extremely difficult holiday. Bereaved parents/families have tons of emotional upheavals during this particular holiday. One of the "unspeakables" of bereaved parents is that we are not always thankful for all things -- child loss has brought so much pain into our lives that we now live in a different world, and we see life through eyes of pain. Others expect us to jump right into this festive, thankful mood when in fact sometimes we want to hide in a closet and forget this day ever existed!

Silent Grief - Child Loss Support



~~~~

"Please say to me, that you are sorry for my loss,
not the loss of my child...
we are merely waiting for a reunion."

~Elizabeth Keets



~~~~~

Time does not heal the pain of child loss. Time simply puts distance between our initial shock and pain and where we are now. Time adds fear to the bereaved parent's life -- fear that we will forget our child's voice, forget our child's smell, forget the details of our child's face.........forget what it felt like to hold our child. No, time does not heal the pain of child loss. Our healing will come when we see our child again in heaven, and so we cling tightly to that hope as we pass through the long, dark valley of time.

~Silent Grief - Child Loss Support

In my mind...

all roads lead

to our reunion...



~~~~~

You don't get over it,

You just get through it.

You don't get by it, 

because you can't get around it.

It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different.

Everyday... Grief puts on a new face.

~Wendy Feireisen

~~~~

I have this to say about grief. In my experience you don’t get over it. You incorporate it into the very fabric of your life. Your experience of grief will inform your attitudes, your decisions and your relationships for the rest of your life. You will be changed. If you can address your grief and work through it in a positive and meaningful way, you will be a more compassionate, forgiving and understanding person than you might have been. You will also incorporate and carry forward all the finest qualities, joys and memories of your loved ones. They will live on in your compassion, your actions and the telling of their stories.

~Arleen Webster Simmonds

~~~~~

Dear Lord,

You are aware of the struggle

I am going through.

You know the desire of my heart

to be healed.

I ask now for Your healing touch.

I know that You are able to heal me.

Lord I know there are many things

that are sent to try us in this life.

Please shine Your healing light

down on me

and lift the gloom and despair that 

I am feeling.

Allow me to be filled with Your love.

Through You all things 

are possible.

Amen.

~Grieving Mothers

Pictures and Quotes - Thank you to many grieving mothers: Barbara Kerrer of Grieving Mothers, Jill Compton, Arleen Webster Simmonds, Clara Hinton of "Silent Grief," and Elizabeth Keets