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Wednesday's Woe
Weeping and Gnashing
~Tommy Prince
Scripture's description of Hell...
"They will throw them into the fiery furnace,
where there will be
weeping and gnashing of teeth."
~Matthew 13:42
We survived Thanksgiving by being extremely low-key. Literally shutting all the doors, closing the curtains, and turning off all the phones. But, for a Child-Loss Griever, what happens when you have peace and quiet? Keep everybody away... and the grief surfaces. I didn't know how much until my nightmare yesterday morning…
Hope for our daughter…
Emotionally, we were forever expending energy, trying to help her. Angie and I spent all our emotional, and much of our physical energy, trying to save her from herself...
“Last forever!' Who hasn't prayed that prayer? You were lucky to get it in the first place. The present is a freely given canvas. That it is constantly being ripped apart and washed downstream goes without saying.”
The Nightmare that Never Goes Away…
I awakened yesterday morning from a nightmare. When I awakened from my nightmare, I didn't experience the typical response of, "Thank goodness that was a dream and not real life!" Usually my nightmares would consist of the typical,
"I'm on a trip somewhere but I can never seem to find my destination; I am lost."
Or,
"I've got an exam coming up in a college class, but I haven't even studied for it."
…so that, when I wake up, I can breathe a sigh of relief:
"O, that was just a dream!"
But no. This time, I awakened, as I have over these past 6 years after her death, from a nightmare about her, to an internal scream of,
"O Hell No!!!"
And emotionally, I am a mess.
In my nightmare, she had been in some form of treatment, and was home on a pass, but a woman was here with her saying, "She's got to go back---there's a technicality not attended to, so she has to go back 'to fill out a form.'" I was furious.
What A Cruel Joke:
"She's here, but you can't have her."
I wake up, as I said, to my internal screams of
"O Hell No!
"Having to live without her is a living nightmare!"
It seems I've always got a simmering growl underneath the surface. I feel a constant tension in my jaw. Weeping and gnashing are going on all the time inside me at an unconscious level.
Yes, I will go through the motions of life during my day, but…
My clumsiness tells on me…
High blood pressure tells on me…
Tension in my jaw tells on me…
Nightmares tell on me...
It's like at some deep level there is always weeping and gnashing going on in my heart and soul.
Perhaps this is really "the new normal" for Child-Loss Grievers, better defined as
"The New Hell-on-Earth Normal"!
Everything in me, for some unexplainable reason, is trying to keep her alive and keep her home, but it's not working.
My Life's Call: Keep my child alive.
Mission: Failed.
Pictures - Top, Dark Sky, thanks to Grieving Mother, Nancy Tuz
Below, Climbing the Heavens, thanks to Grieving Mother, Darlene Thomas
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