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Tuesday's Trust
Can We Trust Ourselves Amidst Child-Loss Grief?
The Walking Wounded of Grief's Guerilla Warfare
(A note to God and to my child)
I cannot seem to trust myself;
(Should You put me on a shelf?)
My Heart is now a war zone,
Insisting being on the throne,
For if I make a plan today,
Emotional Bombs have their say.
If my Mind won't stop and listen,
My Body plays out Heart's mission,
Stopping me dead in my tracks
With sudden guerilla attacks.
And yet, why should I be surprised?
Since you died, Tear gas fills my skies.
Why are people surprised
At my implosion?
When you died, I survived
A nuclear explosion...
"Yeah, we'll go to that funeral."
What were we thinking?
"Yeah, we can go around our family."
We have gone back and forth on that decision. Our bodies have not yet been able to do that. Well, we tried it once and were greatly burned...
"Yeah, I can make it down the hall without turning on any lights."
Problem is, I turned one door too soon and felt myself flying down our basement stairs, four broken bones later...
We are not the same as we were.
And we don't even know who we are.
Nor do we even know what we are capable of doing now.
Our hearts, minds, souls, bodies, and spirits are all on overload. PTSD often has a hay-day, taking on a life of its own within our bodies. Our rock-solid relationship has been challenged, shaken-up, tried, in ways we would have never thought possible.
Who are we now? And who will we become?
*****
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones You have crushed rejoice.
~Psalm 51:8
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
~Psalm 51:17
But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.
~Psalm 52:8
Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.
Picture - Thanks to FotoSearch
Poem - The Walking Wounded of Grief's Guerilla Warfare - Angie Bennett Prince - 5/16/11
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