Thursday, October 25, 2012

Thursday's Thursday - Is Grief an Illness?







Thursday's Thursday

Is Grief an Illness?






HealthDay News
Is Grief an Illness? The Debate Heats Up

Psychiatric experts torn on whether bereavement should be included in new diagnostic manual.
By Alan Mozes, HealthDay Reporter


THURSDAY, Feb. 16, 2012 (HealthDay News) — The loss of a loved one can trigger deep emotional turmoil, but is the grief that follows a normal part of being human or is it a form of mental illness in need of diagnosis and treatment?

That's the gist of a "major debate" now unfolding in the world of psychiatry, as the American Psychiatric Association (APA) prepares to issue the fifth edition of its seminal reference guide to mental disease, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

The issue: For the first time, the manual — a touchstone for mental health professionals across the United States — may not exclude the concept of " bereavement" from the constellation of behaviors and experiences that it deems worthy of consideration when clinicians set out to diagnose a major depressive disorder.

What does this mean? That feelings or outbursts accompanying the passing of a family member or close friend — such as crying, insomnia, fatigue, confusion and profound sadness — may now be viewed as a treatable illness rather than as a normal reaction to life's most shattering moments.

Needless to say, not everyone agrees with this shift in thinking.

"To me, grief is a normal condition, not to be tagged with a diagnostic code and to be treated," stressed Dr. T. Byram Karasu, chairman of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and psychiatrist-in-chief at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City. "Everyone loses someone in their lives at some point. So, this would be classifying everyone at some point. No one would be immune to this."

"And that does not make sense, because grief is a normal and very healthy behavior," 


said Karasu, who also chairs the APA's National Task Force on the treatment of depression. 

"One has to feel joy as well as pain and depression, otherwise life is not worth living. And one should not interrupt the grieving by medication or psychotherapy. You have to feel the loss, and only by feeling the loss and recovering from it will the person become a better person. Interrupted grief will remain unfinished business."

Karasu's stance is in line with those expressed by the editorial board of the British medical journal The Lancet, which lays out its opposition to the new clinical approach in its Feb. 18 issue.

"Grief is not an illness," 

the journal's editors argue, noting that a diagnostic change in the APA's forthcoming manual would empower clinicians to interpret any post-loss despair that endures beyond a two-week window as a troubling sign of sickness rather than a standard sign of coping.

The Lancet team suggests that, instead, an intense but normal bout of grief can last six months to a year, depending on the very individualized nature of the particular relationship that has been severed by death. 

{Or as we Child-Loss Grievers know, our grief will normally last a life-time!}


"Medicalising grief, so that treatment is legitimized routinely with antidepressants, for example, is not only dangerously simplistic, but also flawed," the authors noted.

They acknowledged, however, that sometimes grief can morph into something much more complicated, longer lasting and "pathological." In such instances, true clinical depression may ensue along the lines of a so-called "prolonged grief disorder," a potentially new designation now under consideration by the World Health Organization. And such patients, the board agreed, might stand to benefit from some form of mental health intervention.

The concern over exactly when normal grief becomes a condition that perhaps requires treatment is what's driving the notion of inclusion in the DSM, said University of California, San Diego, psychiatry professor Dr. Sidney Zisook.

"It is well recognized that the death of a loved one, just like any other serious stressor, [such as the] loss of a job, diagnosis of a fatal illness, divorce can trigger a clinical depression,” he said. "The ensuing depressive syndromes are no less severe or debilitating when brought on by bereavement as they are after any other life event or, indeed, when the depression seems to occur out of the blue." {Well, now, that concept is debatable! Child-Loss Grief does feel quite severe and debilitating, but it does allow us breathers between the grief-bursts which clinical depression is not as likely to do.}

"Acknowledging that bereavement can be a severe stressor that may trigger a clinical depression in a vulnerable person does not medicalize or pathologize grief," he suggested. "Rather, it prevents clinical depression from being overlooked or ignored, and facilitates the possibility of appropriate treatment."

"This acknowledgment," Zisook cautioned, "does not mean that we think acute grief should end in days, weeks or even months. For some, it may last for years, {or in Child-Loss Grief, a life-time,} whether or not there is also a clinical depression. But, acknowledging that clinical depression may also be present in some bereaved individuals may go a long way towards helping those individuals get on with their lives."

For University of Michigan Medical School psychiatry professor Dr. Randolph M. Nesse, the debate boils down to a tug-of-war between basic common sense on the one hand and science's search for diagnostic consistency on the other.

"Everyone knows that grief is something that happens to everybody," he noted. "And just because an emotion feels bad doesn't mean it's wrong or unhealthy. Most often it's a common-sense response to a real problem."

"So, my take is that it would be senseless to eliminate the grief exclusion [from the DSM]," said Nesse, who is also a professor of psychology at UM's College of Literature, Science and the Arts. "But, because it can be so damn hard to figure out when an emotion is normal or not normal without really knowing what is going on in a person's life, there are undeniable advantages to having a neat, clean, simple check-box kind of classification system for diagnosing depression. It makes it easier. So, you include grief as a box to tick, whether or not there is a real problem to be diagnosed."

"But that is what is so troubling," 

he added. 

"Because when someone gets a diagnosis of depression it then encourages giving that person treatment. And the getting of that treatment then pushes the person being treated into believing they do indeed have a problem that needs treatment to begin with. And that can be very unhelpful in many, many cases in which grief is really a normal and healthy response to a life event."

{Add to that, that many times, so-called Grief "Treatment" has been known to do more harm than good under psychotherapists who do not understand the multi-dimensional, long-term, and enduring aspects of Child-Loss Grief!}


Last Updated: 02/17/2012


Highlights, mine, and {Comments, mine}



~~~~~~~~~~



Moral of the Story when Grieving your Child:





{Also, pictures/graphics, mine}








Pictures/Graphics, thanks to ~ihaveaspecialangel My Special Angel: For Loved Ones Lost, and Grieving Mother, Jill Compton
Article: http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/0217/is-grief-an-illness-the-debate-heats-up.aspx?xid=tw_heartdiseases_20120222_grief


Wednesday's Woe - What happens when you tell? ~Angie and Tommy Prince









Wednesday's Woe

What happens when you tell?

~Angie and Tommy Prince





What happens when you tell that your child has died? Does telling it get any easier? 

You make yourself vulnerable to the person who could really undo you. Or, you take the risk of making yourself vulnerable, then find you immediately become speechless to say what happened… 

I even find myself steering the questions away from family so that these kind of questions won't come up: 

How many children do you have? 

Or… Do you have any kids? 

Or… Where are your kids these days? 


I was at a party during the first few months of my grief (yes, I was still in shock, or I couldn't even have attended the party) due to a girlfriend of my daughter's being thrown a party by her family before she left to enter the marines. Someone I hardly knew asked, "How old are your kids?" I was not prepared for this question, so instinctively, I just immediately rattled off, "19, 21, and 23." Then she asked, "Where are they all now?" I had to think and rethink very quickly as I didn't want to say "Two in college, one in Heaven," to shock the poor woman to death at a festive party, so I just rattled off, "Oh, they're all away at college." (All of this had been true just a few months before, after all…)  She nosed her way in even further as I was beginning to realize she had heard, and she knew, but she was wanting to hear me say, "I have a child who died…" Number one, I didn't know this woman that well, and number two, I wasn't ready to deliver that heavy news at a party, so I just brushed her off, "Oh, they're scattered all over!" 

She must have really been surprised then when her husband (who knows me really well) walked up and began telling me how much trouble they were having with one of their sons, and I said to him, "I understand how painful that is," then assured him, "but at least you still have him with you!"


I long to tell, but I do think twice to myself: 

Do you really want to risk everything right here, right now? 

And does this person really want to know, or will what I say just depress them when all they wanted was a little small talk? 

Our lives have descended way below "small talk," all the way down into "death talk." Who is ready to have their lives shocked by our painful truths, especially when our own families can't even talk about or handle our pain. And yet… that is where we live... 










Picture, thanks to Grieving Mother, Jill Compton

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Tuesday's Trust - Who Can You Trust?





~via Grieving Mother, Jill Compton


Tuesday's Trust 

Who Can You Trust?





Who knew a world-wide-web would be conducive to one-on-one intimacy? About a year into my grief, I heard Elizabeth Edwards say that the key to her surviving the loss of her child was her online friends; and I remember thinking to myself, 

"Here this woman's husband is running for the presidency of the United States and she couldn't find any friends around her to support her in her grief????"

Little did I know, it doesn't matter how many friends and family you have around you, none but the child-loss grievers will have a clue how to help you, (at least after the first week, maybe even up to the first month, and possibly for the first year). Now I find that I too am like Elizabeth Edwards:

I have more of a sense of these sisters-of-the-heart who have lost a child being my "family" than my own sisters and family and friends who just don't "get it." I should say, they do not, cannot, and will not "get it," and therefore they are no longer safe people for me.

Sisters, family, and friends want me back as I "was," and I cannot deliver! As much as I would love to, I cannot return to a world-as-it-once-was as that world did not have to deal with my Having Lost My Baby!!! Acceptance of the unacceptable now has to be a part of my healing, and that makes all the difference in the world in my life now.




~via "Silly Stupid Statuses & Stuff 24/7"


So, I find myself, too, like Elizabeth Edwards, seeking refuge through the internet to have my daily devastating pain touched by other grieving mothers who know, r-e-a-l-l-y  k-n-o-w, the depths of my pain.

It seems I can trust interacting with other grieving mothers via the internet more than I can anywhere else. 



~via Grieving Mother, Jill Compton


Even going to Compassionate Friends meetings, it seems I cannot manage my traumatization level as well, being up-close-and-personal to everyone-in-the-room's pain once-a-month as I can navigating through what I can and can't handle on any given day on the internet. My grief seems to need daily comfort but also a wide variety of support. Any one group of people may not be where I am in my grief, but it seems on the internet, I can safely run across that specific comfort that I may need at the time. If I need affirmations, I know where to go. If I need music to help penetrate the depths of my pain, I know where to go. If I need interpersonal connection, I know where to find it. If I cannot handle the depths of someone else's pain on any given day, I know I can go back on another day and reach out to them, and they to me.




The rain falls merciless from the sky, 
is it because my angel cries?
The thunder echoes my broken heart,
wishing my baby (were) in my arms.
The flood of grief is sometimes (too) deep,
my faith in peace is hard to keep.
The darkness (envelops) my soul,
without her I am not whole.
Clouds surround me everyday,
keeping the light from the sun away. 
I need the warmth on my skin, 
to feel human again.

~Vandy Gibson

~via "Grieving Mothers"



Reaching out via the internet seems to minimize the risk of secondary trauma. I seek refuge there because it is safe whereas reaching out to family or friends, wittingly or unwittingly, they often slip and say a caustic word that sends me plummeting and bringing further injury to my heart and our relationship.

There is no complete healing this side of Heaven, but there is a learning to navigate through my pain by attaining the proper support I need on any given day as I work through the many dimensions of my grief.

Who knew you could be the most intimate on such a "public highway" as the internet to touch the depths of one's pain?!




~via Grieving Father, Tom Zuba








Sunday, October 21, 2012

Monday's Mourning Ministry - Goodnight Sweetheart ~Bing Crosby






Monday's Mourning Ministry

Goodnight Sweetheart

~Bing Crosby






I dedicate today's song, "Goodnight Sweetheart" in loving sympathy over the loss of Pamela Palmer Mutino's daughter, Maria…

I am currently reading about precious Maria in Pamela's book, 
-S-W-I-S-H- Maria in the Mourning. In her book, Pamela tells about having a heart-wrenching premonition as she sleepily awakened to hear Bing Crosby's otherwise endearing song, "Goodnight Sweetheart" in what, ultimately as it turned out, was just days before her 23-year-old daughter died… At the time, she could not sort out what her horrendous premonition was trying to tell her...

As I listened to Bing's song a couple of times, I found I was weeping right along with Pamela for both of our beautiful daughters…

(For a sense of what the book ~and its unusual title~ is about, there are some excerpts from reviews of Pamela's book at the bottom of this post.) Thank you Pamela for sharing your recent comment with us, enabling us to mourn right along with you for your precious child, along with our own...






Goodnight Sweetheart

~Bing Crosby



Goodnight sweetheart, 
'til we meet tomorrow 
Goodnight sweetheart, 
sleep will banish sorrow 
Tears and parting may make us forlorn 
But with the Dawn a new Day is born 

So I'll say goodnight sweetheart, 
though I'm not beside you 
Goodnight sweetheart, 
still my love will guide you 

Dreams enfold you 
and in each one I'll hold you 
Goodnight sweetheart, 
Goodnight 

The day is over and it's cares and woes 
In peaceful sweet repose, will fade and die 
A dreamy dreamland beckons you and me 
How happy life would be if we could dream forever 

Whistling Interlude...

[spoken]: 
So I'll say goodnight sweetheart 
even though I'm not, I'm not always right beside you 
I'll still say goodnight, goodnight sweetheart 
I want you to know that my love, 
My love will always guide you 

And dreams enfold you, 
In each one I'll hold you 
Goodnight sweetheart, 
Goodnight...








~~~~~



Excerpts (found on Amazon) from three reviews of

-S-W-I-S-H- Maria in the Mourning, by Pamela Palmer Mutino:




"One minute a mother is relishing the swishing sound of a wedding dress in anticipation of her daughter's wedding. Almost the next minute, it seems, she is mourning the death of that same daughter to horrific addiction and overdose of heroin. It's enough to make her imagine that (an) ornament-less, six-foot Christmas tree is the perfect size of a heroin dealer which she attacks with unmitigated rage...."

~Viviane Crystal, Vine Voice


~~~


"A talented writer, Mutino is also a (playwright), and as she tells in her book, she had no intention of ever writing anything. But she knew at some point her writing was her way of working through her personal tragedy. The best way to do justice to such a beautiful and emotional story is to end with Mutino's words.

"'I only knew that there was a story in me that was going to haunt me until it was in print. I did not want pity for my suffering. I wanted Maria's beautiful spirit to live on in such a way that others would connect to their own truths, when it came to loving, losing, living, dying and moving on.' -Pamela Palmer Mutino, Swish: Maria in the Mourning"

~Neil and Tracy, www.bookroomreviews.com 


~~~


"I saw the play first and just had to have the book. Pam Mutino's writing style touches the heart in such a profound way. This is such a beautiful tribute to her daughter. A child remains a part of you forever whether she is with you still in this life or not. I recommend this book to anyone who loves, but that is sometimes all we can do.

~C. Westerman

~~~~~















Video: http://youtu.be/i9FIgfH0kLY

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Saturday's Sayings - "Things Never Get Back to the Way They Were..."






"There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child;
Things never get back to the way they were."

~President Dwight D. Eisenhower



Saturday's Sayings

"Things Never Get Back 

to The Way They Were..."








A mother NEVER gets over losing her child.

It doesn't matter how long it's been,
how old her child was when they died,
or the reason they were taken away,

GRIEF does not ever expire.

Never tell a mother whose child DIED
to move on, get over it, or "be happy"
that their child is in Heaven now.
You are "sick" of hearing about it?

She has to live with it EVERY single day.


~iamamothertoanangel



~~~~~





Your absence has gone through me 
Like thread through a needle. 
Everything I do is stitched with its color.


~W. T. Merwin, "Separation"



~~~~~






Rules for Dealing With The Bereaved Parent


If they have other children do not tell them to be grateful for them. They are, but they would have liked to have kept them all.

Do not tell them they can have more children. Some can't and those that do, are not replacing one human being with another.

Do not tell a parent who lost a child before birth, at least you did not get to know them. We knew them and loved them their whole life.

Do not tell them to get over it. They are never getting over it. How long would it take you to stop missing your child? How long would it take you to forget your child?

Do lend your ear and shoulder.

Do talk to them about their child. It may bring tears to their eyes, 
But it will warm their hearts that someone else is thinking about their child.

Do call them on their child's birthday or anniversary of their death.
No matter how long ago it was these days are always hard for them.


~via bornstill



~~~~~





Note to Self:

I am doing 
the best I can
with what I have
in this moment
And that is all I can expect 
of anyone, including me!



~~~~~





Lord,
I can't say it in words...
Can you please just listen through my heart.



~~~~~





We feel like screaming, pulling our hair out, punching our pillow, or throwing dishes against the wall. Sometimes we're too weak to cry, so we make muffled sounds that don't even seem human. Other times we walk around like a zombie that hasn't slept for weeks on end. No, we're not crazy. We are a parent whose child has died, and we have lost all sense of purpose and no longer do we know how to live life. Don't pull away from us like we're a freak in a circus. Please stand by our side and simply be there. God knows, we just need somebody to stick by our side through this horrible thing called child loss.

~Silent Grief - Child Loss Support, September 28



~~~~~





"It's OK if you don't know
how much more you can handle.
It's fine if you don't know 
what to do next,
Eventually, you'll let go
of how things should be
and start to see possibilities
based on reality.
It's YOUR life ~
Grasp the steering wheel
and force yourself to pay attention
to where you're going.

~Wendy Keller



~~~~~





Remember Me


Remember me with smiles not tears,
for all the joy through all the years.
Recall the closeness that was ours,
A love as "sweet" as fragrant flowers.

Don't dwell on thoughts that cause you pain.
We'll see each other once again.
I am at peace...try to believe,
It was my time...I had to leave.

But "what a view" I have from here,
I see your face, I feel you near.
I follow you throughout the day.
You're not alone along the way.

And when God calls you... you will be,
Right by my side...right here with me.
Till then, I'll wait by Heaven's door,
We'll be united... evermore!


~via Grieving Mother, Jill Compton

~~~~~





REPLY TO "A LETTER FROM HEAVEN"


I received your Letter from Heaven. It made the teardrops fall.
But knowing you're with God above, Sweet memories, I will recall.
I know that you are with me, For I feel your presence near,
And if I listen closely, Your voice I then can hear.
I know you're watching o'er me, As you promised you would do,
And when I feel so saddened, It's your letter that sees me through.
When I lay in bed at night, The day's chores put to flight,
I truly feel your presence, Like a warm and glowing light.
I've tried to help others, Who are in sorrow and in pain.
And now I am contented, My day was not in vain.
I'll lend a hand When someone is feeling low,
I'll pray for them and be here, 'Till on their way they go.
And when it' time for me to go, To join you in heaven high,
My wings I shall spread wide To my home up in the sky.



~~~~~





I've been called many things in my life, but the one thing I've been called that affects me the most is Mommy.

~B.J. Karrer, 2012 of "Grieving Mothers"













Important Notice: Free Webinar with Grieving Father, Dennis L. Apple!






Important Notice: TCF's Free Webinar with 

Author and Grieving Father, Dennis L. Apple!










From

You can now reserve your seat for TCF's next webinar, "A Father's Grief" coming up soon -

  this Tuesday, October 23 from 8-9 pm EST (5-6 PST)

This FREE webinar will explore the mind and emotions of a grieving father and the dynamics involved as he tries to comfort the mother and siblings of the child who died. 

Go to http://tinyurl.com/TCFWebinars for link to register. 

Presenter: Dennis Apple, grieving father
(author of life after the death of my son: what i'm learning)


A Father's Grief: As grieving fathers, we feel a strong responsibility to protect and provide for our families after the death of a child. This webinar will explore the mind and emotions of a grieving father and the dynamics involved as he tries to comfort the mother and siblings of the child who died. 



Space is limited.
Reserve your Webinar Seat Now at:



~~~~~



So interesting, today I "stumbled upon" this graphic of "A Dad Hurts Too" and wondered when I might get to use it in my blog; then later in the evening I "stumbled upon" this announcement by TCF I've held onto for a while, inviting us grieving parents to a free webinar with Dennis Apple. I began to realize, all of a sudden: these "stumblings" were probably not so "coincidental" after all! October 23rd is not far away! So glad I could let you all know of this wonderful opportunity before it could be too late! (Tommy and I have bought Dennis's book but have not yet read it ~ but we have heard great things about it.)






A Dad Hurts Too

~Author Unknown


People don't always see the tears a dad cries.
His heart is broken too when his child dies.
He tries to hold it together and be strong.
Even though his world's gone wrong.
He holds his wife as her tears fall,
Comforts her through it all.
He goes through his day doing what he's supposed to do.
But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.
So when he's alone he lets out his pain.
And his tears come like falling rain.
His world has crashed in around him.
And a world that was once bright has gone dim.
But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers.
He searches for answers but none are to be found.
He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.
He smiles through his tears.
He struggles and holds his fears.
But what you see on the outside is not always real.
Men don't always show how they really feel.
So I'd like to ask a favor of you:
The next time you see a mother hurting over the loss of her child,
Please remember... a Dad hurts too.









Friday, October 19, 2012

Friday's Faith - Grief's Cry




Friday's Faith

Grief's Cry





When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of You,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.
Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then GOD promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God's prayer.

Psalm 42:8
~The Message



We need language to tell us who we are, how we feel, what we're capable of---to explain the pains and glory of our existence.

~Maya Angelou




Grief's Cry


Agitated, irritable, striking out it seems,
Feeling~inside~I'm falling apart at the seams.

Angry at anyone, and yet really at no one,
Aggravated most of all: today, my anger won.

What is this angst about, and how did it come on?
At one point, my heart so content, but then it, my grief did own:

"You cannot live out normal days;
For now, you're groped by Grief's daft daze."

Hopeless my daunting mood to break,
I lie down merely hours before Daybreak;

Too wound-up to sleep, I lie here wide awake,
Fearful I am attending, for "normal life," a wake…

(Alack, alas, keep loved ones away, I pray,
Unless by insidious meanness, them, I start to prey.)

Dear God in Heaven, please break through,
My heart, so peeved, my life, it threw.

I don't want any beloved ones to see
How DARK life is in the depths of Grief's Stark Sea.

Hold my heart, whisper words of love down;
Hide me gently underneath Your feathers' gentle down,

(For only Love can melt this hardened shell of mine)
And fill it full of Treasures from God's Infinite Love's Own Mine,

Treasures that include Your deep, and sweet, abiding peace
That gently reassembles, in my heart, each broken piece,

Once split apart by Death's own crushing grate,
Until I can be rewoven by Your Own Soothing Love so Great!

Cleanse my heart, and break it, then make it completely new
By my Loving Savior God that I once (and ever) knew.



Poem - Grief's Cry - Angie Bennett Prince - 10/18/2012 3:30 - 4:30 a.m.





In response to my poem above, my husband's therapeutic and kind response to me, knowing our post-Child-Loss state:

We are still learning how our lives now function: (I am still learning) whether I can deal with certain things or not; I am still discovering what I can and cannot deal with amidst Child-Loss Grief.

~Tommy Prince














Pictures, thanks to Grieving Mother - Jill Compton, and "Wings of Hope-Living Forward" via Jill Compton

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Thursday's Therapy - 7 Things Child-Loss Grievers Need ~by Grieving Mother, Maureen Hunter







Thursday's Therapy

7 Things Child-Loss Grievers Need

~by Grieving Mother, Maureen Hunter




In the following article, grieving mother Maureen Hunter shares what she perceives as 7 needs of the Child-Loss Griever. They are briefly summarized below and further elucidated in her article following. On Maureen's blog at http://esdeer.com, Maureen graciously provides an e-mail sign-up subscription for those who want to regularly receive her writings, which typically are written weekly. 



7 Things Child-Loss Grievers Need:

  • We so desperately need someone to accept us for who we are as we grieve.
  • When our shoulders are deadened with the weight and burdens of our pain and anguish, oh how comforting it would be to be held and reassured that yes we are strong enough to do this.
  • Whilst there is no one who can understand absolutely what we are going through, we reach out in the hope that someone will understand, if not totally at least a little.
  • To know we’re not crazy after all because we were beginning to think with some certainty that we probably were.
  • An understanding deep in our hearts that our loved ones are safe, protected and ok.
  • The reassurance to know that we never have to let them go, that they will stay connected to us for the remainder of our lives.
  • That somehow, somewhere and with some people they will never be forgotten.



The Needs of Those Who Grieve

by MAUREEN HUNTER on SEPTEMBER 27, 2012


Grieving is an ongoing process of adjusting and adapting to our loss. Over time our needs as those who grieve will change depending on where we are in our grieving and what’s happening in our hearts and in our life.

If we were to write down our needs, they might be different for each one of us, but there are some needs that I believe are common to many who grieve.


When our hearts are broken beyond belief:

We so desperately need someone to accept us for who we are as we grieve. To not judge us, not tell us what to do, not look at us funny because it’s been “too long” but to love us in all our brokenness. A safe place beckons us where we can vent, where we can cry, where we can talk about our anxieties, our fears, our triumphs, our bad days and our better days.  We need to know we can be ourselves and there is someone who will listen with caring and compassion.
When our shoulders are deadened with the weight and burdens of our pain and anguish, oh how comforting it would be to be held and reassured that yes we are strong  enough to do this. Yes we will get through, because it sure does feel at times as if we are far from strong. We can feel so very vulnerable.

Whilst there is no one who can understand absolutely what we are going through, we reach out in the hope that someone will understand, if not totally at least a little. Someone who will get it and have some idea of the depths of what we feel and the devastating impact it is having on our life.
To know we’re not crazy after all because we were beginning to think with some certainty that we probably were. To feel the relief of seeing, reading or hearing someone else express what we have been afraid to; almost makes us want to cry. We are "normal" after all.

An understanding deep in our hearts that our loved ones are safe, protected and ok. That they continue to know of us and to believe in us. That they know of our anguish, that they know we are trying so very hard to live without them. But more importantly that they know of our great love for them. A love that grows stronger each and every day.

The reassurance to know that we never have to let them go, that they will stay connected to us for the remainder of our lives. Even if we go on to form new relationships, move to different places and heal the most broken parts of ourselves to find a new and different life, a part of them will always be with us.

That somehow, somewhere and with some people they will never be forgotten. Their lives will have meant something and their light will shine forever in the words that are spoken, the memories that are shared and the lives that are touched.


I have enjoyed the benefits of Maureen's e-mails myself, and I thank her for her words here, and for her regular contributions on behalf of us fellow grievers!










Picture via "Grieving Mothers," and contributed by grieving mother, Jill Compton

Article: http://esdeer.com/the-needs-of-those-who-grieve/


Wednesday's Woe - Stabbing Set Backs ~Tommy Prince






Wednesday's Woe

Stabbing Set Backs


~Tommy Prince





In my attempts at reaching a level of being a "functional griever" (since we Child-Loss Grievers know there really is no such thing as a full recovery from our grief) in trying to deal with this severe grief and trauma over the loss of my baby girl, it's almost impossible in the midst of being constantly stabbed and pricked in my heart in my own home ~ walking by a bookshelf, and seeing a picture of Jody, one of her best guy-friends, with Merry Katherine at a church retreat,  and BAM! ~ it just stabs me in the heart! Or I'll see a possession of hers, like her favorite earrings in her bedroom, and immediately I'll feel the stab in my heart ~ Then seeing a picture of her on the refrigerator ~even though it's there every day for me to see ~ sometimes catches me off guard and stabs my heart. 


All of these events take me back to the days of normalcy, when she was right here with us ~ live and in person, in all the dimensions of her delightful personality...









With this journey we're on of trying to walk forward, little by little, I do seem to stumble along. Yet, it seems I keep getting set back with these stabbings that just stop me in my tracks. What am I to do? 


It would be even worse for me to remove from the house any and all reminders of my daughter. 
She will always be very much a part of my life, whether here or in Heaven! 


Adding to the pain, anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays go beyond stabbings, to hammer blows that impede the progress further, and some of these are just around the corner...















Pictures, thanks to "Grieving Mothers"

Monday, October 15, 2012

Tuesday's Trust - "We're All Just... Walking Each Other Home"





Tuesday's Trust 

"We're All Just...

Walking Each Other Home"







Poem inspired by the sentiment above:


"We're all just…
walking each other Home."



Alone on this earth, we're walking a while...
We meet each other amidst our traumas laid bare,
Soon grieving together along many a mile,
Sharing our tears, extending our care.

Many around us can't handle our pain...
Losing a child? They can't fathom the loss:
Can't we move on? What does crying gain?
We soon realize only we bear Grief's unbearable cross.

Why should they understand our hearts have dropped out?
So we turn to one another, and risk reaching out…
Met with compassion, understanding and love,
Along with our Companion who attends from Above,

We still shed our tears, we find comfort there,
Until we rejoin our child when we meet Jesus in the air.
God knows our pain; He too lost a Child;
He knows such loss, on earth can't be reconciled…

So He sends special ones nearby to render His love
As He holds our babies, safely nurtured Above:
We share in our talking, each cried out moan,
While "we're all just walking… each other Home."











Picture ~contributed by Tom Zuba via New Mexico Lightworkers
Poem - "We're All Just Walking Each Other Home" - Angie Bennett Prince - 10/15/2012

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Monday's Mourning Ministry - When Something is Wrong with My Baby ~Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt







Monday's Mourning Ministry

When Something is Wrong with My Baby 

~Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt




Do people really wonder why we grieve so hard for our child? Don't they know . . . When something is wrong with my baby . . . Something is wrong with me?!







When Something is Wrong with My Baby

~Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt

(Written by Isaac Hayes / David Porter)
(slightly revised for grieving parents, by me)



When something is wrong with my baby,
Something is wrong is me.
If I know that she's worried
I know I'd feel the same misery...

We've been through so much together
We stand as one ~
That's what makes it better.
When something is wrong with my baby,
Something is wrong with me...

Just what she means to me now,
Oh you just, you just wouldn't understand
People can say that she's no good
But ooh she's my (baby) and I know I'm her (mom/dad) ~

And if he's got a problem
Whoa-oah I know I got to help him solve 'em
When something is wrong with my baby,
Something is wrong with me...

When something is wrong with my baby,
Something is wrong with my baby...
When something is wrong with my baby...

Something is wrong with me!










Video: http://youtu.be/XT71TUFLFQQ