Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Wednesday's Woe - Missing the Uniqueness of My Baby...

Wednesday's Woe

Missing the Uniqueness of My Baby...

Merry Katherine's Birthday. We went to her grave site today...

I actually woke up happy this morning, and even had good dreams for a change... I was rejoicing that we had Merry Katherine 24 years ago, and how sweet that was to have our baby girl.

But as the day wore on, I had some unfortunate "Non Child-Loss Grief War civilian" downloads dumped in my lap to deal with that came seemingly out of left field - totally unexpected, that stirred me up to the most agitated state I've been in for quite a while... Finally by mid-afternoon, I told Tommy,

"I've got to go to her graveside for awhile."

Since it had been a long time since we had been, I gathered up cleaning tools and fresh silk flowers to take for her to have a clean marker with new pink birthday roses. East Tennessee is like my home state of Georgia in that it has Red Clay, and so at the graveyard, the red clay backs up onto the granite marker, filling in the engraved letters with mud which later dries out into red dirt so that you can barely read the information on our baby's grave. So I took about five old toothbrushes, a large brush, a large roll of paper towels, and the computer air cleaner, "Dust Remover - Compressed-Gas Duster" I think 3M calls it, and put them all in a plastic bag. Thankfully, Tommy decided to go with me. :)

When we got there and walked up to her grave stone, I pulled the cleaners and brushes out of the plastic bag and slid the plastic bag under me to sit down on instead of on the dirty ground, and I set out scrubbing and cleaning her grave stone while Tommy cleaned the mud and old flowers out of the vase. I told Tommy,

"This feels so good to get the agitation out and be doing something constructive for her."

While I was working, a peace came over me that amazingly settled the agitation. Tommy began straightening out his mother's grave site, and his uncle's, whose plots are across from, and next to, her site.

A woman down the way at the end of the row from us was tending a grave marker as well. I waved and she waved back. Later, she walked over and surprised me when she saw which grave marker I was working on and remarked,

"Oh! I know her! Are you her mother?"

She then told us she works at Central Baptist-Bearden Church, and that she knew Merry Katherine from there. (This is where Merry Katherine and her brothers chose to go to the wonderful youth department there when they were all in high school.)

Her name was Faye. She continued ~

"Your daughter was always smiling. She was always happy and full of spunk."

And as I pulled my hair out of my eyes, she lit up and said,

"And she looks just like you. You both are beautiful!"

Tommy laughed and said, "Yes, thank goodness she took after her mother."

And Faye laughed and then said, "Well I bet she had your personality."

I said, "She has his personality to a tee."

We had a sweet and encouraging conversation with Faye who had lost her husband sixteen years ago. It was such an edifying time to meet someone who knew our baby ~ and knew her sweet and fun personality like we did. Faye then left.

I knelt down and patted Merry Katherine's body by patting the ground over her body, and talked to her, crying. It was so good to commune with her and let the tears fall onto the grass over her. Again, a soothing peace fell over me as Merry Katherine reminded me,

"I'm okay Mommy. I'm here." (meaning up here in spirit...)

Later, after we got home, Tommy and I began talking about the agitating issues I had faced earlier in the day, and Tommy remarked,

"If Merry Katherine had been here she would have said things in such a way that would have transformed that situation for you."

We both cried. . .

I miss my baby and all the critically important roles she played in our lives. I miss my baby girl, and yet I am so thankful for the 19 years I got to have with her...

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