Reawakening the Presence of Her Absence
~by Tommy Prince
I haven't had one of these dreams in a long time, but occasionally I will dream Merry Katherine is here and alive, and I have a craving in my dream to hug her and hold onto her and never let her go. And then I wake up to the nightmare of the truth that she's gone. Then I'm an emotional wreck for several days. It's like -- "This is a bad joke!"
It's a yearning for her that's still there that comes out occasionally in my dreams.
Lately, similar things are happening when my little grandaughter ("Ellie," now 7 1/2 months old) comes over to stay awhile. While she's here, I'm having a wonderful time. With her presence here, my blood pressure even drops! I'm just wowed by her.
It isn't until she's gone that I realize how I go into a form of withdrawal. I find that I cry every time Ellie leaves, but I know the tears are not about Ellie; they're because I miss Merry Katherine.
In looking back on the time I have with Ellie when she's here, I realize that I open myself up emotionally such that it taps into a craving that's in me that is reserved only for Merry Katherine.
After Ellie leaves, I feel similar to the way I do when I wake up from one of those dreams. Because I'm confused. My system is confused. My spirit is confused. My soul is confused...
I'm opened up emotionally. I'm bonded.
Ellie is getting loved on by a part of me that got to love on Merry Katherine and terribly misses Merry Katherine.
It awakens that painful absence of Merry Katherine so that her absence is even more pronounced.
When Ellie's gone, I realize I had a wonderful time with Ellie. But another part of me is terribly sad, feeling,
"I had her (Merry Katherine) right here. Now I don't.
"Ellie will be back... Merry Katherine won't!"
I really miss my baby girl.
Picture, thanks to Grieving Mother, Jill Compton