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Wednesday's Woe
Looking for the Dead Among the Living
~Tommy Prince
"Oh yeah, I forget I'm not the person I used to be. Oh yeah, I forget that I'll never be the same!"
Driving along yesterday, I realized there's always that invisible river of grief that always flows underneath the surface of my consciousness…
Putting together several good days in a row of feeling good, it's like it fools my system into thinking, "I can still run and jump as high as I used to! I'm feeling pretty good today." This level of denial of my true reality told on me when I was out running errands amidst my "sense-of-well-being" stupor…
I was approaching a traffic light at an intersection, when I looked directly across the intersection and saw a little red truck just like Merry Katherine's and my first thought was,
"Oh yeah, there she is!!!"
(Six years now, and that terrible reality that she's gone still does not fully register in my being.)
That was my immediate response of delight, which just as quickly crushed me in the opposite direction as my hopes were dashed. My system seems to keep looking for the dead among the living…
At the sepulchre when Mary was seeking our Lord's body, the angel confronted her by saying, "Why do you look for the living among the dead?"
In contrast, I always seem to be looking for the dead among the living.
My own system betrayed me, and once again I was crushed. It seems I've got to live in this somewhat dissociated state to somehow tolerate the pain of her being gone. But then a trigger arises to startle me back into my reality and I realize, "Oh no! What am I living?! She's really not here, and I won't be 'running into her' ever again!!!"
That reality of my nineteen year old child really being gone is just too stark for a mind and heart to fully take it in…
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~Journey of the Survivor (From Grief to Survival)
Graphics, thanks to
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~Journey of the Survivor (From Grief to Survival)
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