You don't know
what you're made of.
Broken things have been on my mind as the year lurches to an end, because so much broke and broke down this year in my life, and in the lives of the people I love. Lives broke, hearts broke, health broke, minds broke. On the first Sunday of Advent our preacher, Veronica, said that this is life’s nature, that lives and hearts get broken, those of people we love, those of people we’ll never meet.
She said the world sometimes feels like the waiting room of the emergency ward, and that we, who are more or less OK for now, need to take the tenderest possible care of the more wounded people in the waiting room, until the healer comes.
Amidst our Child-Loss Grief and Trauma, when you think about it, we have been assaulted emotionally, physically, and spiritually! We never really "heal" from Child-Loss Grief and Trauma, but we're always in recovery. We can be in a process of healing, but healing will not completely happen this side of Heaven.
"The case of a parent losing a child is very special because the most deep-seated protective and nurturant emotions are brutalized. Because this “injury” is so severe to such primitive emotional processes, the grieving parent is likely to feel and express the pain associated with it for the rest of his or her life."
We become so thankful for our fellow Child-Loss Grievers… who ofttimes become more like family to us than family…
it could hurt so deep.
Feels like a living nightmare
holding onto my mind as I weep.
The pain is so gut wrenching,
will it ever be dismissed?
I lay awake thinking of everything
I could have done,
I feel so tired
This week, I seemed to have spent many nights doing this, "lying awake thinking of everything I could have done." I remember even ruminating to Tommy about this (and ruining his good night's sleep!) around 3:00 a.m. one night this week… Other people just cannot imagine the traumatizing effects of going through losing our child… But we Child-Loss Grievers simply have to walk through it, and over time learn to manage the severe pain.
Child loss leaves us feeling hollow, empty, and wounded. We're left feeling so "breakable" following the loss of a child. Any word of encouragement, any extra hug, a listening ear, or the mention of our child means SO much to us! So many times people ask, "What can I do to help?" Just care. And, continue to care. Don't forget us. Please, don't forget us because every day without our child is a struggle.
To me, this is a most precious promise from God. For although we are in pain, although we may weep, although we grieve, we are reassured that joy will return, we will be happy again, we will smile again… joy will return.