Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Wednesday's Woe - Today, something is missing. ~Benjamin Allen

Wednesday's Woe

Today, something is missing.

~Benjamin Allen

Today, something is missing.

What I miss is this, not that. I miss what is missing now. I miss what would have been. I miss mornings. This morning. And I wonder what mornings would be like if they were still here. 

No matter the day, something is always missing. I go through life with a part of me missing. They are gone, but so am I. Their Afterlife left me in Afterloss. 

Afterloss is neither here nor there. Some days it feels like a state of limbo. My feet feel the earth, but my heart can’t feel my feet. The heart lacks location. It encircles memory, skips past the present and swirls in an ethereal future. 

My heart belongs to another. My heart is here, but where is here? I touch a relic from the past and I am there, but lamentably still here. Someone mentions a future event, but I can’t get my head around tomorrow. I can’t go there because I’m not all here. 

I have wandered my Afterloss for many years watching the tides, the ebb and flow of time and location. I feel the seasons of sorrow not in the earth’s rotation, but the rotation of my heart. I orbit the anniversaries of their deaths and feel the wind of their births breathe through me. 

I locate in the ebb and flow of time. There is no epicenter to moment. A clock, a wristwatch, an hourglass have no meaning in my Afterloss. I look at the world around me from a different time zone within me. There is no linear motion in my Afterloss and memory locates where memory stops. 

When I enter my tears I do not know where they locate either. Do I cry for what I can no longer hold, what I do not hold now, or what I will never hold again? The cascading presence of tears have their own watercourse way. They go where they go and I must go with them. 

And underlying all this something is missing. Something is always missing. It is not just a part of me that is missing. I am missing them. I am missing us. I am missing this, not that. 

Our lives are beyond location, but still located within each other. Wherever I go, I take them with me. Whether I am walking the woods or stuck in traffic, they are with me. They are reflected in all reflections. There is nowhere where they are not everywhere. I feel them more within me than around me, but I feel both, furthering my confusion of where does presence locate. 

And where do I locate? For not only are they with me, I am with them. My Afterloss is intricately intertwined with their Afterlife. Borders and boundaries blur. That part of me that went with them when they died still resides within the “us” that lives in both worlds. 

I am not all here. That is why this world feels so ethereal. I am living in the transcendence of loss in a life that is neither here nor there. Just as they are present within me I am present in them. How do I assimilate life when there is no fixed location or time? How do I hold such deep love when there is nothing to hold on to?

The day-to-day “chores” are such a chore. They weigh me down in gravity that chains me to a world that demands what I cannot give. I cannot give this world all of me because all of me is not all here. I pay the bills, work, play, converse, laugh and perform all the duties required, but I do so with something missing, with so much missing. 

There are days I feel like a shell of who I am. The outer part of me does what needs to get done, but I am not in the same location. I am not going through the motions. Motion is going through me. The “me” that is left.

On days like today I know it is only in stillness where I will be able to align with motion. It takes a lot of intentionality to integrate all of them, all of us into all of me. I have come to a place of peace without expectation that I will not locate in one place or that time will follow a clock. The sands of my hourglass will fall in whatever direction and/or speed it chooses. 

I choose to simply accept this is one of those days where my Afterloss may not neatly fit the world around me. What’s more important to me is my Afterloss fits the world within me rather than my sorrow fit in a world I no longer fit. 

For on this kind of day when I keenly experience the missing parts of me, it is an indication that I am on a quest, the pursuit of healing. This is the kind of day I follow the night sky of my Afterloss. Today, I will move gently into what is missing and carry into this moment what is left. 

I do not force my sorrow. When I accept my sorrow it guides me to those places I’ve been looking for all along. It guides me to the deepest parts of me, to them, to us. 
When something is missing, that just means there is something to be found. 

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