Tuesday's Trust - Can We Still Trust Our Judgment… Six Years Later?

Tuesday's Trust

Can We Still Trust Our Judgment… Six Years Later?

It is hard to put words on this dynamic of our grieving life ~ it is almost indescribable because it is difficult even to define it to ourselves. We are still working out our "ability/inability to function" amidst our traumatic grief. We have to work hard at keeping our lives "simplified" as we cannot do "complicated" anymore. For lack of better words, we cannot do "Toxic," "Stupid," "Idiot," or "Needless Drama." As I said to Tommy last night,

"Trauma Mamas" need to stay away from "Drama Mamas"!

It's as though we still are discovering/trying to define the different parameters for that which we can and cannot handle emotionally.

Almost automatically, we will think, "Oh yeah, sure, I can do that!" Then we step back and think, "Oh yeah! I can't do that anymore ~ I forgot!" What we can and cannot do is still a learning/discovery process as we tend to think we can so do much more than we really can these days. The trust in others, and even in ourselves, is not there. Even trusting our own judgment is a little shaky ~ Who are we, and what can we really do now?

It is almost like stepping back and examining the ruins, and saying, "Okay, what is salvageable, and what must be thrown away? And with the equipment and accoutrements that are left, what can we feasibly do now?"

For instance, what I do know right now is that...

I cannot explain to a grieving mother why I cannot talk to her right now.

I cannot explain to the executors of my parents' wills why I cannot come by and negotiate the pick-up of the furniture that's graciously been given to me.

I cannot explain to my children why I cannot do extended-family get togethers.

All I know is... I can't. 

And for now, just knowing that 'I can't,' is in itself quite an accomplishment!

And yet, I can still help clients deal with their own toxic issues and relationships. (Explain that!)

Picture, thanks to Grieving Mothers

Piano picture, via "Detroit ruins"