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Monday's Mourning Ministry
Alone in My Grief, and Yet... Not Alone
Surrounded by God the Love of Friends...Makes All the Difference!
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Before the Morning
~Josh Wilson
On Merry Katherine's birthday, I was amazed at the sweet and warm impact on Tommy and me of the responses of so many Facebook friends. Today, one, two, even three days later, I am exhausted and thankful, yet when I want to go and thank everyone, the words disappear. They flow down into a little puddle of nothingness at the base of my heart. When I lean over to draw out of the pool, all I come up with is a terrible ache in my heart that insists it has no words, but it would very much like to cry.
Where is my baby? Where is my lively one? Where is my shopping partner, that picks out the very same things I love? Where is that refreshing original mind that expresses a thought of clarity that describes to a tee, but goes beyond into a characterization that stops you in your tracks and makes sense of the world in a way I hadn't thought of before. " So like her daddy. Both sometimes so real, it makes you want to cringe, and yet such a relief when you're dying for someone to please cut through all the B.S.
I am so grateful to my friends who "get it," I can't even begin to tell you, but I'd like to try...
To read birthday wishes sent straight to my baby's heart says you welcome her, and you know she exists (even though the rest of the world, many of whom know her better as they experienced this multi-faceted, bigger-than-life child, now don't seem to "know" her or acknowledge her at all), and she matters. Yes, my child ~ and yours ~ matter.
When you described scenes of her holding me tight, it took me back, and I could actually feel what it was like with her arms around me...
When you described birthday parties in Heaven, I could see the party and revel in it.
When you reminded me I will be with her again to hold her, I could see myself there with her, and know "now" is only a dream, while "being with her for an eternity" --though not presently seen-- is the true reality I can climb into.
"The Lord hears our cries and saves our tears" paints the picture of the beautiful reality of the tenderness of God toward us, and the preciousness of who we are to Him, that He would actually save our tears, those tears the rest of the world seems to see as despicable and weak, and signals that we aren't doing the "job" they've assigned for us to do ~ to get over "it" and "move on," as if "it" were not our vital, beautiful loving child, but was just a piece of refuse picked up off the dirty street and held onto like some great "find" by some crazed person who doesn't have a lick of sense...
"Only His peace that passes understanding sustains us," says you "get it" ~ this experiencing a child's death is a feat none could bear alone, but there is available to us the Loving One's love and comfort that alone can give us the peace we thought was unattainable. And it is a reminder that He is there and His love is there for the taking.
"I hope you are surrounded by her love and warm memories," you write, and immediately I feel surrounded by her, and so grateful that you know how important that is!
"She is a precious Teen Angel and I am sure having an amazing Birthday!" from one of her friend's mothers who KNOWS my baby, and recognizes the reality of where she is now and who she still is and what she is doing right now ~ the REALITY that's real, but that cannot be seen by the human eye, yet true anyway. But she knows it's true like I know it's true, and she stepped out of her comfort zone to acknowledge that for me and for Merry Katherine.
"Thinking of y'all today!" ~ says, This day is special, and we have not forgotten; we're with you in spirit even though not in flesh, but our hearts are with you.
"Sending cyber hugs to" me and Tommy, acknowledging that very special "happiness and fulfillment" she brought to our lives, and then a direct "Happy Birthday Merry Katherine!" acknowledging you know she's real, so real you are sending a wish straight to her heart.
"My thoughts and prayers are with you...your sweet baby...." Each acknowledgment of her validates her sweetness and the reality of her existence to me; thoughts and prayers say you're with me in heart, and you know, really KNOW how hard it is for us to be apart from one another.
"Thinking of you and Merry Katherine today and always" says ~I'm with you, and I will continue to be with you!~ Wow!
"I can just see Merry and (ER) meeting at her party up in Heaven and talking about how their mom's are on the same facebook group!" ~helps me then... I can SEE them talking, and am so glad they KNOW we're united in spirit down here as we're grieving being away from them...who are now together.
"For now Jesus holds them, until we meet face to face." ~ instantly reminds me ~She IS being loved, and held, and nurtured / She IS important / She IS being cared for, (not something that was just thrown out with the day's trash as the civilian's "move on" approach would suggest! And she is in community with our other precious children, embraced in our Lord's arms.
"Like when you come through an airport and in the crowd you see your loved one peeking through" ~ brings tears as I SEE her watching for me expectantly.
"My candle will be lit here in California" ~ you are doing a physical action acknowledging what is spiritually sent my way. Very touching.
"I hope you feel her arms holding you tight" ~ I do now that you paint the beautiful picture for me.
"May you feel her presence all around you" ~ reminds me how much through the day her presence was right here beside me... enabling me to reflect back on each instance....
"One day, we will all have the BIGGEST birthday party ever in Heaven!" ~ sweetly reminds me, ~It's coming and you have that to look forward to.
"My prayers are with you." ~ says, I'm not alone in this pain.
"I'm remembering Merry with you and sending up "Happy Birthday" wishes to your beautiful daughter." ~ another tangible wish being sent to my baby, and your taking time to remember her AND send her wishes validates a here-and-now "friendship" wish being sent to my precious living daughter!
"May your treasured memories of Merry bring a smile to your face everyday, and allow you sweet dreams of her each night. I wish you peace." ~What a beautiful blessing of peace that conjures up the times today (on her birthday), I had already "felt" those very things, and knowing you are sending me a blessing that such sweet feelings continue to go with me.
Another "Happy Birthday to your sweet baby girl." ~ incredible pictures in my heart, seeing my new friends not only loving me, but actively sending love and acknowledgement to my little one.
"And blessings to her namesake." ~ Wow, already a blessing being sent to another precious one hidden from our eyes now, but who is very real, and yet without being seen, is being acknowledged as real, and is being blessed!
And finally "What a beautiful day you had, even in the midst of the sadness. I know God was with you." ~ And Indeed, HE WAS with me, and how sweet to know that you KNOW that too!
❤Much love and appreciation to you all for taking time to "be with" me on that very special day... :0) ❤
Before the Morning
Josh Wilson
Do you wonder why you have to,
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe, there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Some day, some how,
You'll see, you'll see
Chorus:
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,
Can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on, you got to wait for the light
Press on, you just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,
It's just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going,
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer.
and hold on,
'Cause there's good who love God,
But life is not a snapshot,
It might take a little time,
But you'll see the bigger picture
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'Cause the pain you've been feeling,
Can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on, you got to wait for the light
Press on, you just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah
Once you feel the weight of glory,
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory,
All your pain will fade to memory
Memory, memory, yeah
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
That you still got a reason to sing,
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
That you still go a reason to sing,
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
Come on, you got to wait for the light
Press on, just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain you've been feeling,
It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh, the pain you've been feeling,
It's just the dark before the morning
Before the morning, yeah, yeah
Before the morning
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