Monday, April 11, 2011

Tuesday's Trust - Amidst Complexity, Trust the Simple

Tuesday's Trust

Amidst Complexity

Trust the Simple

In Complicated Child-Loss Grief, LIFE is forced to be simple.

We CANNOT do complicated. We cannot do confusing. We cannot do unnecessary conflict.

We CAN do situations that are healing. helpful. loving. merciful. pure. soothing.

We CANNOT do toxic. deceitful. unkind. hateful. even ignorant.

Child-Loss Grief is very complex; in many ways, it is not simple.

The simpletons that want our Child-Loss Grief to be over are overbearingly simplistic; they want our grief to be simplistic. It is not; they need to DEAL with their ignorance and leave well enough alone. To those ignorant people who want to tell us how grief is done, it would be very helpful to us for you to KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW. You have NO WAY of knowing what CHILD-LOSS GRIEF ENTAILS. You may think you do, but you do not. You cannot, unless you have been through it.

Because Child-Loss Grief is complex, we often have to think ahead as to how we can best keep life as simple as possible. There is too much going on in our hearts, minds, souls, and spirits to have life situations become needlessly complicated. Stimuli needs to be minimized; we have enough stimuli swirling around inside us.

Simple is key. If we are going out the door, when is the best time to go? When do the crowds thin out? Who are the people we can be around, or the ones we cannot afford to be around? What situations will probably be fairly manageable, and which ones will not? If an event is an important one to attend, how can we keep it as centered, safe, and protected as possible? If we cannot ensure a fair amount of emotional safety, we may have to decide we will not attend after all.

Sometimes getting to "simple" is going to take a long time. If we have a trial ahead of us, there is much time needed simply to prepare for it. Our focus has to be narrowed on what is called for in order for us to carry out our part in it. We may have assignments from attorneys, policemen, or the district attorney. We may want to be present when the Grand Jury meets. Oftentimes there is Media to manage, interviews to give. We may be called upon to give an impact statement in court. We have to summons up the strength needed for all the myriad roles we must play in the interest of our child's justice.

Even before trials are prepared for, we have to find out what happened to our child. We may be interviewing policemen, both face-to-face and by phone, sometimes traveling out of state to talk to the professionals who interacted with our child's particular situation upon death. Policemen. Firemen. Coroners. Medical Examiners. Any attending Doctors, Nurses, or other Hospital Staff. Witnesses. Towing Service workmen. Ambulance drivers. Paramedics. Private Investigators hired if desired or when needed information is not forthcoming. Attorneys may need to be consulted. Other interviews may be desired. With Perpetrators, Surviving Victims, Friends: Those who had been with your child shortly before his or her demise. You may not be able to get all your information at once. Little pieces of information may trickle down over time, each time re-traumatizing you. There may be mis-information that can be equally if not more traumatizing. There may be gaping holes in the story, many unanswered questions. There may be toxicology reports that take months and months before you will get answers. There may be pictures to view, or a body to view. All of these traumatizing to the parents, or family who is assisting. Even traumatizing to the lawyers or professionals helping you, or who tried to help your child. And then there is the Autopsy Report...

Also, there may be insurance demands to which we have to attend. Records to copy. Reports to gather. A learning curve to climb. Even our own insurance companies can refuse to pay what they rightfully should pay. Professional relationships that have been helpful in the past with insurance agents may now become adversarial. There may be interviews to tackle with the unwilling-to-comply insurance company's hawks, some of whom can be downright toxic (on purpose). Lawyers to retain. Calls to make to keep the professionals fired up on our behalf. We need guidance, wisdom and support. And good professional advice from those in the know.

These are just a few of the complications upon which we are called to tackle, at the very times we are at our weakest. We need to be able to focus at the very times our brains have been traumatized and will not cooperate. We really need to be able to hold onto one another within our families, even when we may be at odds about the particulars within any given situation. We need to have family support, community support, and support from other child-loss grievers who have "been there."

And above all, for peace amidst the complexities of grief, we need to keep life simple...


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