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Thursday's Therapy
Why Going to a Grief Counselor May Not Help…
Part Two
Today's post is referring to some of the statements made by Dr. M. Katherine Shear (M.D., Marion E. Kenworthy Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University School College of Physicians and Surgeons, New York City, New York) in the article referred to last week called, "Loss of a Baby Linked to Increased Mortality in Parents."
Dr. Shear states that "Complicated Grief" is being considered for inclusion in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition.
Okay, I guess that is good in that psychiatrists and psychologists are recognizing that grief can become complicated, so it will help the world get beyond the "Get Over It" mentality, over time anyway (this could take decades if not a lifetime, for old patterns of thought die hard). The downside is that they are now "pathologizing" the normal process of "Child-Loss Grief," as Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., whom I greatly respect, declares that All Child-Loss Grief IS Complicated Grief (although she calls it Complicated Mourning), so the NORM for Child-Loss Grief is, by its very nature, extremely complicated. Just the Trauma alone makes Child-Loss Grief extremely complicated because of the uniquely bonded relationship between a parent and child.
(Now what I am about to say makes me so angry, that I am screaming. As my hubby said, I had to clear me out a place to throw a good fit! So bear with me. I am just SO angry at those who call themselves helping professionals when they are so CLUELESS about what Child-Loss Grief entails FOR ALL OF US CHILD-LOSS GRIEVERS.)
These are Dr. Shear's words,
"Some people who experience the loss of a loved one get 'stuck in acute grief' and fail to come to terms with their loss," said Dr. Shear. She cited "a study of parents who had lost a child in the pediatric intensive care unit that found that 18 months after the death — a period well beyond the time we think parents would take to make peace with their loss — 60% of parents reported experiencing complicated grief."
(italics, mine)
STUCK in acute grief???
18 MONTHS AFTER THE DEATH IS "A PERIOD WELL BEYOND THE TIME WE THINK PARENTS WOULD TAKE TO MAKE PEACE WITH THEIR LOSS"???
THEN SHE NOTES THAT AT LEAST "60% of parents reported experiencing complicated grief after 18 months of their child's death."
WELL, CAN THE PROFESSIONALS NOT HEAR WHAT IS THE NORM FOR ALL OF US CHILD-LOSS GRIEVERS THEN? I SAY IT IS, IN ACTUALITY, 100% OF CHILD-LOSS GRIEVERS THAT HAVE COMPLICATED GRIEF AFTER 18 MONTHS, BUT EVEN IF SHE FOUND ONLY 60%, CAN SHE NOT TELL THAT THAT IS THE MAJORITY OF US???? BUT NO, SHE THINKS WE SHOULD BE "DONE" BY THEN!!! LISTEN TO YOUR OWN RESEARCH STATISTICS WOMAN!!!
Their whole premise is flawed. If they (the helping professionals) are expecting us to be "over" child-loss grief within 18 months, how can the helping profession do us any good??? They are no better than the lay people in our environments who expect us to be "DONE" already!
In fact, they can do MORE DAMAGE --- THEY DO SECONDARY HARM* (see distinction below of The First Injury vs. The Second Injury) TO US, WHICH RESEARCHERS SAY CAN HURT WORSE THAN OUR PRIMARY HARM OF LOSING OUR CHILD --(As Tommy characterizes it, it's like stomping on a broken leg) -- BECAUSE WE MAKE OURSELVES VULNERABLE TO SOMEONE WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TRUST -- THEY ARE THE PROFESSIONALS WHO SHOULD KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING IF THEY TAKE ON OUR CASE, BUT THEY DON'T!!!
WITH UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS LIKE THESE, THEY ARE GOING TO BE PILING ON TO OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WHO WANT IT TO BE DONE, OVER, KAPUT, ENDED ALREADY, SILENCED, SHUT UP, GET OVER IT! AND TO HAVE A PROFESSIONAL PILE ON CAN BE EXTREMELY HURTFUL BECAUSE THEN WHERE DO WE GO??? WE ARE ALREADY SECOND-GUESSING OURSELVES, AND YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE!
AS HIPPOCRATES SAID TO THE MEDICAL PROFESSION CENTURIES AGO, FIRST DO NO HARM! IF YOU AS A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL ADD TO OUR HARM, THIS IS TOTALLY INEXCUSABLE AS IT GOES AGAINST THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH EVERY HEALTH-CARE GIVER SWEARS BY. YOU SHOULD NEVER MAKE OUR LOSS WORSE; IT IS ABSOLUTELY UNFORGIVABLE TO STOMP ON ONE WHO, ADMITTEDLY BY YOU, IS AT THEIR ALL-TIME LOWEST PERIOD OF THEIR LIFE.
*The First Injury, the loss of our child, has bowled us over.
The Second Injury is a loss piled on our already Huge Loss.
Is it possibly the loss that becomes"The Straw that Breaks the Camel's Back"?Sometimes. The current grief research finds it IS often harder to grapple with than our original loss and trauma. . .
Dr. Shear's philosophical bias is getting in the way of her seeing the truth! And SHE is one of the TOPS in the psychological profession's opinion! SHE is the one trying to get "Complicated Grief" into the DSM 5, and yet SHE doesn't even recognize COMPLICATED GRIEF IS THE NORM FOR A CHILD-LOSS PARENT, THE NORM, NOT A SICK SPECIMEN, IT IS NORMAL FOR US TO HAVE COMPLICATED GRIEF. IF YOU TREAT IT AS ABNORMAL for Child-Loss Grievers, NOW YOU ARE PATHOLOGIZING 100% OF US GRIEVERS. WE ARE NOT PATHOLOGICAL. WE ARE NORMAL.
BUT YES, THIS GRIEF IS A BEAR, AND WE SHOULD EXPECT IT TO BE A BEAR TO DEAL WITH. BUT IF YOU, THE SO-CALLED PROFESSIONAL SAY IT SHOULDN'T BE A BEAR, THEN YOU ARE TRYING TO TREAT CANCER WITH COLD-MEDICINE, AND YOU WILL DO US ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD!
All indications are showing these health-care professionals the earth is round, but they are still insisting that it is flat.
...To be continued...
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